Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (46 page)

The foundations of Buddhism rest upon what they call
the
Three Jewels
:
Buddha
, the
Dharma
(the teachings), and
the
Sangha
(the community).  The ethical teachings of Buddhism
include what are called the
Five Precepts,
which are not
commandments
,
per se, but a voluntary training regimen.  They consist of the following:

1.
     
Refraining
from taking life and practicing non-violence.

2.
     
Refraining
from committing theft.

3.
     
Refraining
from sensual misconduct.

4.
     
Refraining
from lying.

5.
     
Refraining
from drugs and alcohol.

Those who wish to further embrace Buddhism learn the
Eight Precepts, which adds three more precepts to the original five, and
transforms the third into a precept of
celibacy
. The three additional
precepts are:

1.
     
Refraining
from eating, except from sunrise to noon.

2.
     
Refraining
from dancing, playing music, wearing jewelry or cosmetics, or attending
performances.

3.
     
Refraining
from using high or luxurious seats and beds.

Buddhists also learn about the concepts of
Samsara
and
Karma
.  Samsara is the cycle of birth and death, which is
affected by our attitudes about pleasure, pain, and suffering.  Karma
refers to the actions performed by a person, which may bring about a
consequence or result, either in this life, or in subsequent lives.  While
both
positive
and
negative
types of karma exist, they are an
impersonal kind of energy which has nothing to do with personal salvation or
forgiveness.

Two of the more well-known forms of Buddhism to
westerners are Zen Buddhism, and Tantric Buddhism (which has become popularized
in America through books and seminars on so-called
“tantric” sex
). 
Zen Buddhism is focused primarily on the search for direct spiritual
breakthroughs to universal truths through meditation, unsolvable riddles called
koans
, and the art of
shikantaza (“just sitting”)
. 

Tantric Buddhism involves harnessing one’s psycho-physical
energy through rituals, visualizations, physical exercises, and various forms
of meditation.  Some practitioners of tantric Buddhism perform
sexual
yoga
as part of their training regimen.  With the exception of this
practice of
sexual yoga
, there is actually very little in Buddhist
literature or teachings about sexuality in general.

The Buddhist admonition against “sensual misconduct”
can be interpreted in a variety of ways, including the strictest possible
interpretation, which would be that
any sensual conduct at all
may be
considered misconduct. If that were truly the case, then there would seem to be
little point in discussing which
specific
BDSM activities are in harmony
with Buddhism.  If we assume, however, that sensuality in general is not
necessarily a bad thing, then we can attempt to interpret at least a few of the
Eight Precepts from within a BDSM context.  A case could certainly be made
that Precept One, which teaches non-violence, effectively rules out most
activities related to sadomasochism, bondage, and impact play.  Precept
Four, which encourages
truth-telling
, could easily be interpreted as a
prohibition on
role playing
.  Precept Seven might make it difficult
to observe a scene at any BDSM event or gathering, since that would be
considered “attending a performance.”  Precept Eight would likely
discourage the use of highly customized BDSM equipment and furniture.  It
would seem to the casual observer that the basic tenets of Buddhism do
not
mesh well with some of the most commonly practiced
BDSM activities
.  
But what might Buddhism have to say about the D/s relationship dynamic?

Remember, Domination/submission –
at least as
we’ve defined it in these pages
– refers to the
relationship dynamic
between two or more individuals.  It is what is in their
heads and
hearts
; it governs how they relate to one another.  It is
not
necessarily about
whips and chains
.  Given
that
definition
of D/s, we can be relatively certain that there would be little in the Eight
Precepts of Buddhism that would be inconsistent with being involved in a
loving, non-violent D/s relationship.

Hinduism is the world’s third largest religion,
after Christianity and Islam, and is sometimes referred to as the world’s oldest
living religion.  It is the predominant religion of India which, in the 13
^th
century, was also known as
Hindustan.
  The authoritative texts of
the Hindu religion are written in Sanskrit, and are usually divided into two
categories of what we might consider scripture:  revealed  truths
(called
sruti)
and remembered truths
(referred to as smitri)
.  
Hinduism shares many precepts with Buddhism, including the notions of
karma
and
dharma,
and a belief in reincarnation.  Aside from certain
similarities to Buddhism, there are also great differences between the two
religious traditions.  Hinduism can be exceedingly difficult to pigeonhole
as a religion, since the faith has no codified declaration of beliefs that are
universally held by all adherents of Hinduism.

As a result of this lack of a codified and unifying
belief system, Hinduism allows its followers the absolute freedom to believe
and worship as they please.  Therefore,
almost by definition
, a
member of the Hindu faith
cannot commit heresy or blasphemy.
  Even
apostasy
is practically impossible, since there are at least two schools of Hinduism (
Samkhya
and
Mimamsa
) that embrace
atheism!

Classical Hindu teachings often refer to the four
objectives of life as being
dharma
(ethics),
artha
(prosperity),
Kāma
(sensuality), and
Moksha
(freedom).  This designation of
sensuality
as one of the
fundamental objectives of life
is a major departure from
what we saw in the Buddhist tradition.  While some Hindu monks are
expected to renounce most forms of sensual pleasure in order to practice
celibacy, the great majority of Hindus are free to revel in their
sexuality.  Ancient Hindu texts dating to 1500 BC discuss issues such as
the sexual duties of husbands and wives, the sexual education of young people,
polygamy, polyandry, and polygyny.  In the second century, the Hindu
religion gave the world its first textbook on sexuality and virtuous living,
the
Kama Sutra.

The Kama Sutra, contrary to popular belief in
western culture, was far more than just an ancient Hindu
sex manual.
 
It was, in fact, a compendium of texts that encouraged adherents to live
righteously and to enjoy life.  Another western misconception about the
Kama Sutra is that it teaches the principles of tantric sex.  In reality,
tantric sexual yoga is a practice of
Buddhism
, not Hinduism,
at
all. 
The Kama Sutra does, however, devote a great deal of attention
to practices that would
today
be considered
typical BDSM activities
. 
There are, for example, sections of the Kama Sutra devoted to biting and the
marking of one’s lover with your teeth.  Other sections detail various
techniques for teasing, slapping, and over 60 other sexual activities and
positions. 

On the other hand, the Kama Sutra also cautions
against ignoring the potential perils of unrestrained sensuality, saying, “Just
as a horse in full gallop, blinded by the energy of his own speed, pays no
attention to any post or hole or ditch on the path, so two lovers, blinded by
passion, in the friction of sexual battle, are caught up in their fierce energy
and pay no attention to danger.”

Despite the lack of any formally codified belief
system that is universal to
all
Hindus (or perhaps, precisely
because
of it) we can confidently say that there are no prohibitions in the Hindu
religion against either BDSM practices, or D/s relationships.

Paganism is simultaneously one of the world’s oldest
and
newest religions.  For thousands of years, the term was used
derogatorily
in reference to
any
religion that wasn’t one of the “big three”
Abrahamic
religions; Judaism, Christianity or Islam.  In more recent times, the name
Pagan
was used
self-referentially
in America for the very first
time in 1964, and gained popularity in the 1970s as part of the counter-culture
movement which readily embraced this new age, non-institutionalized expression
of personal spirituality and communion with nature.

Today, contemporary Pagans comprise just 0.2% of
Americans who express a religious preference, or roughly 1 in every 500 people,
yet they seem to represent a disproportionately higher percentage of those in
the D/s and BDSM lifestyles.  That linkage may well be rooted in the
counter-culture character of contemporary Paganism which flaunts social
conventions and celebrates, rather than represses, the natural carnality of
man. 

Modern Paganism is an
umbrella term
that
covers a wide range of religious beliefs and practices drawn from many cultures
and traditions, spanning several millennia.  There is no single
organization, doctrine or sacred text that is recognized by
all
Pagans
as being authoritative or binding.  Paganism includes a host of diverse
belief systems, to include Wicca, Witchcraft, Druidism, Shamanism, Animism,
Nature Worship, and the Goddess Movement.

Pagans rarely engage in theology, and generally
prefer a holistic, nature-based
personal spiritualism
that is often
expressed
singularly
, rather than in doctrine or as part of a
congregation.  What might appear to
outsiders
as a hodge-podge of diverse
religious beliefs and practices when viewed in the
aggregate
, superbly
serves
each individual Pagan
as a unique and practical expression of his
or her own personal spirituality.  Even so, there are some common themes
that can be found in most expressions of Paganism which typically include
reverence for the sanctity of nature, rejection of traditional values and
institutional religion, celebration of diversity, and the philosophy of
“doing
what thou wilt, but harming no one.”

Perhaps it is this
“do what thou wilt”
ethic
that serves as the subtle connection between the Pagan belief system and the
D/s and BDSM lifestyles.  Their practice of
personal spirituality
and focusing upon the sanctity of
nature
and the way things
are
,
as opposed to moralizing on how they
should be
, allows for a freer
expression of the D/s dynamic and fetish-related sexuality.  It would be
reasonable to expect to find a higher incidence of
Primals
among Pagans
in the lifestyle as a consequence of their reverence for
nature and instinct.
 
On the other hand, one should
not
expect many followers of the Pagan
goddess
movement
to be lining up to become
Gorean kajirae. 
But then
again,
who knows? 
A Pagan
doeth what he wilt.

The Christian religion is based on the life and
teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, who lived two thousand years ago in Israel, and
who later became known to his followers as the
Christ
, which means
the
Messiah
.   Christians believe that Jesus was conceived the Son of
God and born of a virgin for the primary purpose of atoning for the sins of the
world.  At the end of his mortal ministry, Jesus was crucified by the
Romans and his body placed in a tomb, where Christians believe he was
resurrected and appeared again to his followers before ascending to Heaven to
reign with God the Father.

Worldwide, there are 2.2 billion Christians, with
the three largest sects being comprised of Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox,
and Protestants.  In the United States, those who self-identify as
Christians account for 76% of the population. 
Self-identification,
for
the purposes of this book, shall be the standard by which we categorize a
person or sect as
Christian.

This is an
important distinction
which must
be acknowledged before embarking on any discussion which involves the
contentious topics of sex and religion.  If we
do not
do so
,
we run the risk of allowing those with an agenda to tailor their definition of
Christians and Christianity to fit their own preconceptions and biases. 
You may not realize it, but that is
exactly
what is occurring when
someone says,
“You can’t be a Christian if you’re into BDSM.” 
A
Christian’s response to that, and to similarly wrong-headed statements, should
be,
“You
don’t get to define who is, or isn’t a Christian,
especially
in
my
case.  If
I say
I’m a Christian, then
by-golly
,
I’m a Christian.
”

The five largest Christian denominations in the
United States are:

1.
     
The
Catholic Church, with 68.2 million members

2.
     
The
Southern Baptist Convention, with 16.2 million members

3.
     
The
United Methodist Church, with 7.7 million members

4.
     
The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with 6.2 million members

5.
     
The
Church of God in Christ, with 5.5 million members

Among these and the many other Christian
denominations and sects in the United States, one can find a wide variety of
doctrines and creeds, some of which are distinctive enough to seriously push
the boundaries of what it is to be a Christian.  The doctrinal
commonalities, however, usually far outweigh the differences.  While we
could probably write an entire
book
on this subject
(and perhaps
will, someday),
we’re going to focus
now
on three
pillars of
Christian doctrine, as they may pertain to D/s relationships and the BDSM lifestyle: 
the Ten Commandments, the Bible, and the words of Jesus Christ, himself.

The Ten Commandments

The Ten Commandments, sometimes referred to as the
Decalog
,
actually appear
twice
in both the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, making their
debut first in
Exodus
, and then being restated in
Deuteronomy
. 
On the
off-chance
that it’s been a while since you brushed-up on your
Ten Commandments and don’t have a Bible readily available, here they are:

1. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the
   land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.   You shall have no
   other gods before me.
   
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any
   likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth
   beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  You shall not bow
   down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God,
   visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the
   fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to
   thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
   
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in
   vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.
   
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Six
   days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a
   Sabbath to the Lord your God.  On it you shall not do any work,
   you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female
   servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. 
   For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that
   is in them, and rested on the seventh day.  Therefore the
   Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
   
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may
   be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
   
6. You shall not murder.
   
7. You shall not commit adultery.
   
8. You shall not steal.
   
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
   
10. You
    shall not covert your neighbor’s house, or his wife, or his male servant,
    or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your
    neighbors.
    

At first blush
,
it’s hard to see
anything
in the Ten Commandments that could be
interpreted as forbidding a D/s relationship or BDSM lifestyle.  Even if
there were, the Commandments are unclear on such things as the penalties for
breaking them.  Some might be tempted to conclude from the first
commandment that God isn’t too keen on the institution of
slavery
, but
then again, Egypt’s enslavement of the Jews in the time of Moses was
hardly
safe, sane, or consensual.
 

The admonition to “have no other gods before me”
could
conceivably be problematic for any submissive in a D/s relationship with a
Lesser
God
or
Pharoanic Lord
as her Dominant.  Luckily, she does have
a convenient
loophole
.  All she has to do is appraise her
Dom
as being slightly lower in stature than the God of Abraham and Isaac.  Of
course, getting her Dominant to
agree
with that appraisal is another
matter,
entirely
.

The second and third commandments, which forbid the
worship of graven images and taking the Lord’s name in vain, are more or less
irrelevant to the D/s and BDSM lifestyles.  The fourth commandment,
however, could become an issue if you’re in the habit of engaging in BDSM
activities on the Sabbath day.  Interestingly, not all Christians observe
the Sabbath on
Sunday
, so perhaps you have a little wiggle-room to work
with, here.  That is, assuming that
wiggling
is allowed on the
Sabbath. 

Honoring Mom and Dad shouldn’t have to be
antithetical to living a BDSM lifestyle.  If your parents don’t agree with
your lifestyle choices, perhaps the best way you can honor them is by not
rubbing their faces in it.  That way, you’re
also
helping
them
avoid breaking the sixth commandment by
killing
you
. 

The seventh commandment, which forbids adultery, is
often cited by opponents of the BDSM lifestyle as being relevant to the
discussion.  The
problem
with that argument, however, is that it is
based entirely on the commonly held misconception that BDSM equates to
promiscuous sex that occurs outside of committed relationships.  Not only
is it entirely
possible
to engage in BDSM
without sex
, it’s
relatively
common.
In fact,
many
BDSM events and facilities do not allow sex on
the premises
at all.
 

I do realize this is a difficult thing for some
people to wrap their heads around, and I hope you are able to grasp what it is
that I’m trying to say here.  BDSM and sex really do
go great together.
 
All
I’m
saying is,
they don’t have to
.  Think: sex and
television.  You can have sex without television, and you can certainly
watch television without sex.  Sometimes, you can even do
both (gasp!)
at the same time.
  So, is watching television during sex inherently a
good thing or a bad thing?  It probably depends on who you’re doing it
with, what you’re watching, and
why.
 

Watching a little
porn
to spice things up
during sex
could
turn out to be
great
for your
relationship.  Watching
SpongeBob Squarepants reruns,
perhaps less
so.  Regardless, if turns out to be a
bad
thing, it is hardly the
television’s
fault.  The bottom line, as far as the seventh commandment is concerned,
is simply this:  If you’re predisposed to commit
adultery
, the
presence
(or absence)
of BDSM in your life probably
isn’t
going
to change that.

The last three commandments are easy.  Don’t
lie, cheat or covet.  Frankly, if you are having problems with any of
those
,
you have bigger problems than the challenges of living a BDSM lifestyle, and
should probably be reading a completely
different
kind of book – perhaps
something like,
“How Not to Be a Complete Jerk.”

Were you at all surprised to learn just how
lifestyle-friendly
the Ten Commandments could be?  Believe it not, we’ve somehow managed to
wade through the entire Ten Commandments without encountering a
single
potential deal-breaker for someone who might be considering the BDSM
lifestyle!  I don’t know about
you
, but I really do think that’s
kind of
cool
.

What the Bible Says About D/s

As we stated earlier, many of the harmful
misconceptions about the lifestyle commonly held by those outside the BDSM
culture can be traced to equating BDSM with sex.  Unfortunately, the
scriptures are usually about as
clear as mud
on the subject of
sex,
and
much
less
so on any activities which might be associated with
BDSM.  This is primarily a consequence of the many ways the world and the
meanings of key words and phrases have evolved in the course of two thousand
years.  Take, for example, how the following biblical terms and doctrines
have changed over time:

·
        
Early Christians
interpreted
fornication
to mean
adultery, incest, and bestiality
. 
Today, it is generally understood to mean
any
sex outside of marriage,
to include premarital sex.

·
        
The New Testament
(Matt 5:32) taught that anyone who married a divorced woman was committing
adultery
. 
Today, adultery is interpreted to mean
sex outside of marriage
.

·
        
Sex
before
marriage was widely tolerated, if not accepted, throughout much of Christianity
until the Anglican Church made it taboo in 1753.

·
        
Most of the
biblical passages that are today interpreted as references to
masturbation
are actually references to
coitus interuptus,
or the practice of pulling
out of a woman’s vagina before ejaculation.

Given these and other examples of linguistic and doctrinal
evolution, it’s easy to see how the various Christian sects and denominations
would be forced to develop their
own
ideas on what is and isn’t
acceptable, as far as
sexuality
is concerned.  A casual student of
the Bible who might be looking for specific guidance on how to apply biblical
principles to twenty-first century sexuality would have a daunting task ahead,
indeed.  The good news is, the focus of our examination isn’t so much
sexuality
as it is about viewing
Domination/submission
through the prism of
Christianity,
and that -
surprisingly
- isn’t as difficult as you might think.

The Bible is literally
chock-full
of advice
on things like how to submit to God or to your husband, how to treat your slave
or wife, and how to respect and obey those who have rule over you.  In
fact, viewing the scriptures as a collection of
similitudes and parables
which can serve as templates for healthy D/s relationships can prove to be very
useful indeed!
 
For example, consider the advice that the apostle
Paul gave in his letter of instruction to the members of the church in Ephesus,
when he wrote:

Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the
Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to
another in the fear of God.  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even
as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their
own husbands in every thing.  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the church, and gave himself for it. 

(Ephesians 5: 20-25)

It is fascinating that Paul admonishes the saints in
Ephesus to “submit yourselves one to another,” and goes on to encourage wives
to submit to their husbands as they would to the Lord.  He even plainly
states that the church should be viewed as a similitude for the relationship
dynamic between a husband and wife.  He ends this passage by reminding us
that the gift of submission should always be reciprocated with love and
sacrifice.