Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (48 page)

“This
is a pleasant surprise, Archie. I would not have believed it.  That of
course is the advantage of being a pessimist; a pessimist gets nothing but
pleasant surprises, an optimist nothing but unpleasant.”

-
- Rex Stout

I am utterly convinced that there are just three
kinds of people in the world: optimists, pessimists, and realists.  The
optimist sees the glass as
half full. 
The pessimist sees the glass
as
half empty
.  A realist sees the glass as
twice as large as it
needs to be
.  Which are
you?

If you’re seriously considering entering into a D/s
relationship or adopting a BDSM lifestyle, it would be wise to
realistically
contemplate
all
of the potential issues, and
not
just consider
the
rainbows and unicorns
perspective.  It can be incredibly
easy
to leap headlong into a new relationship or scenario without having a full
appreciation of the potential pitfalls which might lie ahead.  I
know.
 I’ve
done
it.  I’ve done it more times than I care to admit.  In
those instances, would I have been receptive to an offer of some friendly
advice on the potential for problems ahead? 
Probably not.
  So
then, what makes me think you’ll take anything I say in this chapter any more
seriously than
I
would have, when I was in your shoes? 

Only this:
I’m hoping that you’re a lot smarter
than I was.
 

There are a
lot
of things that can go wrong
in
any
relationship.  You don’t need
me
to tell you
that.  You most likely have a collection of relationship horror stories of
your
own
that would
curl my toes,
and most of them probably have
nothing to do with D/s-related issues.  Relationships,
in general
,
can be complicated, messy things.  Adding
any
new variable to the
mix tends to make it even
more
so.  When those variables just
happen to exist on the fringes of acceptable societal norms, as do D/s, BDSM
and polyamory, it gets
infinitely
more complicated.

Honestly, not everyone
wants
to ponder all
the things that could possibly go wrong in a complex relationship. 
Humorist Dave Barry noted that one of the major differences between men and
women is their affinity for understanding complicated relationships, saying,
“Your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line kind of thought process
that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of
human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to
cover a given driveway.”  Even so,
neither
sex likes to contemplate
a relationship that is complicated to the extreme of being
unworkable. 
Some might say that to do so makes one a
pessimist
in outlook. 
I would beg to differ. 

Considering
the pitfalls is not quite the same thing as
expecting
them.  One
educates
himself and
prepares
for a possibility
not
because he
expects
it to happen or
hopes for it
, but to be better able to
recognize
it as it approaches, and perhaps even prevent it from having a disastrous
impact.  A person living in Florida learns something about hurricanes,
not
because he is a
pessimist
, but because it is a
perfectly rational
thing to do
for anyone choosing to live on a penis-shaped peninsula which
is bounded by sadistic seas and regularly flogged by killer storms.

Make no mistake, the topics we’re about to discuss
in the following pages are
possibilities
, not necessarily
probabilities
. 
My goal is
not
to sway you from your natural world-view and disposition,
whether you are habitually an optimist
or
pessimist.  My goal is to
assist you in
reducing the chances
of a negative outcome by educating
yourself, recognizing the tell-tale signs of an impending train wreck, and
knowing how to respond to some of the challenges you
could
encounter. 
Hoping and expecting
things to always work out for the
best is fine, but when it comes to relationships, we should always be cognizant
of our ability to
influence the outcome
. 
Hope
is not a
viable
strategy
.

A final note, before we dive headlong into this
tumultuous sea of negativity.  You’re going to find plenty of
generalizations and anecdotal examples based on my observations and experiences
from 35 years in the lifestyle and in a variety of D/s relationships. 
Before anyone becomes incensed and offended, let me just say that I
know
that not all Dominants and submissives are
typical
.  I understand
that
my
perspective on what is typical may differ from
your
idea
of what is typical.  I’m aware that many of
my
experiences may have
been an anomaly.  I
get
it.  I really
do
. 

Every day,
someone
asks me,
“What makes
you an expert on BDSM relationships?”
  I usually respond thusly: 
“Frankly, I
don’t
consider myself an expert on this subject, any more
than someone who has been married for thirty-five years is an expert on
marriage
. 
I do, however, think I may have some insights for those who may be seeking
answers to some tough questions about the kinds of relationships that I’ve
spent my entire adult life in.”  That’s my
diplomatic
response.  A somewhat harsher alternative might be:

Possible insights ahead. 
Use ‘em
, or
lose
‘em.
 It matters not to me.  I get paid
either way.

Unclear on the Concept

The first possible pitfall we’re going to talk about
is probably the most
prevalent
, both in and outside the D/s
lifestyle.  It is not,
by any means
, a problem that is unique to
the chronically clueless.  It often occurs when and where you
least
expect it
, and with people that you’d never, ever in a million years,
suspect as sufferers.  It is what we will call
“being unclear on the
concept.”

Take, for example, the commonly confused terms, D/s
and BDSM.  D/s, or Domination/submission, is
not
synonymous with
BDSM, despite what many would have you believe.  D/s is an expression of
how
people relate
to one another as Dominants and submissives.  It is
about
who they are, and how they love.
 It has very little to do
with whether or not they
act
upon those feelings.  It is, in many
ways, analogous to
gender identity
or
sexual attraction
.  We
are not defined as much by our reproductive organs, as we are by
how we feel
about them.
We aren’t classified as gay, straight or bisexual by whom we’ve
had sex with, but by
how we feel about it. 

D/s is what happens
between our ears,
at
least inasmuch as it is an expression of our innate dominant or submissive
character traits
as they pertain to the relationship dynamic
.  But
there’s also an awful lot that can happen between our ears that
isn’t
necessarily
D/s-related, even if it
is
thoroughly infused with bondage, discipline,
sadism and masochism, the components of BDSM.  The attraction, pleasure
and satisfaction that a person derives from his or her BDSM activities
certainly
occurs as much in our brains as it does in our bodies, but that doesn’t
necessarily
have much to do with a
relationship dynamic. 
In other words, if
you’re heavily into BDSM
impact-play
, then
any
competently
delivered spanking from a trusted play partner is probably going to be
considered a
good one
,
whether or not your play partner loves you.
 That’s
because it isn’t about the
relationship
, it’s all about the
activity
and
the sensations. 

There are, of course, those who are lucky enough to
have
both
- a BDSM play partner
and
a loving D/s
relationship
- all neatly wrapped up in a single person.  Wouldn’t it be great if
everyone
could have that?  Shouldn’t this
“perfect balance”
of D/s and BDSM
be the goal of just about everyone in the lifestyle?  The answer, in a
word, is
no.
  There are plenty of people who want the
relationship
without the whips and chains.  There are still others who are all about
the whips and chains, but have no real interest in the trappings of a D/s
relationship dynamic.  And yes, there are those who not only want
both,
but they honestly
cannot conceive of one without the other.
 

It should come as no great surprise to
anyone
that it is exceedingly difficult for a member of
one
of these groups to
understand and empathize with someone from one of the others.  It’s almost
as if someone who cares only about
love
, to the exclusion of sex, were
trying to understand what motivates a friend who cares only about
sex
,
and not a bit about
love.
 As difficult as that would be, imagine
further what might be the result if suddenly, those two individuals
found themselves
in a relationship with each other?
 You might be tempted to laugh off
the possibility, since it’s hard to imagine how someone who
doesn’t want
love
would seek out a
relationship
, right?  Frankly, it happens
all the time
in this lifestyle. 

Every day, thousands of submissives and slaves who
are
not
emotionally involved in any significant way with them are
collared
by their Dominants.  Often, Dominants will offer and submissives
accept these collars without any thought whatsoever to what their new partner
hopes or expects to gain from the arrangement, or whether they share any
commonalities
at all.
  One may be seeking D/s, while the other
simply wants BDSM.  One may want
love
, the other,
sex
. 
Both
may be accustomed to calling the shots in a relationship, even if
one of them
thinks
he or she is a submissive.  In short, they are
unclear
on the concepts of D/s and BDSM. 

There are sometimes those even in the BDSM lifestyle
who confuse being a
“top”
with being a Dominant, or being a
“bottom”
with being a submissive.  These terms are
not
interchangeable. 
Acting in the
role
of a top doesn’t make you a
Dominant
any more
than standing in the kitchen makes you a
cook. 
Similarly, the fact
that you enjoy being on the receiving end of a lot of BDSM play doesn’t
necessarily make you a submissive, either. 
Topping and bottoming are
activities,
not core character traits.  Anyone who thinks,
“I like
to be spanked, therefore I must be a submissive,”
is unclear on the
concept.

Incredibly, there never seems to be a shortage of
people who are unclear on the concepts of sadism and masochism.  I have
seen countless examples of dysfunctional D/s relationships that failed for the
simple reason that, apparently,
someone didn’t understand what it means to
be a sadist. 
For the record, a
sadist
is a person who
enjoys
inflicting pain and suffering upon you.
For the most part, the more you
protest,
the more he’s going to like it
.  Complaining about how
mean or insensitive your sadistic Dominant is being towards you is a little like
complaining that
sugar is sweet
, or that
fire is hot
.  If
pain and suffering
isn’t
what you want, if you’re
not
a masochist
yourself,
here’s a novel idea: 
Don’t get involved with a
sadist.
 You’d be
amazed
at the number of people I have known
who claimed that they “
didn’t like pain”
, yet were collared to
hard-core
sadists. 
There’s really only one way imaginable that such a thing
could possibly be a good idea, and that would be
in the mind of someone who
was unclear on the concept.

Masochists are similarly misunderstood, more often
than you might think and occasionally, in unexpected ways.  Perhaps it
would be a good idea to restate now, for the sake of clarity, exactly what it
means to be a masochist.  A masochist is someone who
enjoys being
beaten, sexually humiliated, bound, tortured, or otherwise made to suffer.
 Most
masochists do not enjoy pain outside of a BDSM context, but there are some who
do.
 
If there
were
such a thing as the
Prime Directive of Masochism
,
it would have to be, “If you don’t like being beaten, humiliated, bound,
tortured or made to suffer, then please
don’t claim to be a masochist.”
 
 
To
most
of us, this would seem like
common sense
. 
Apparently, common sense
isn’t
quite as common as it used to be.  For
whatever reason, it has become
popular
among many teens and young adults
to
claim
to be masochists, when they are obviously
unclear on the
concept.

True masochists
are quite often misunderstood by their own partners, who may not be able to
wrap their heads around what a masochist
wants and needs
out of a
relationship.  If you’re someone who is intimately involved with a true
masochist, and yet can’t bring yourself to
actually hurt that person
,
you’re like the guy wearing a red uniform on a Star Trek away-mission:
expendable.