Drunk With Blood (31 page)

with biblical numbers and estimates

1
. The Flood of Noah: All Flesh Died That Moved Upon the Earth

Estimate: 20 million

2.
Abraham’s war to rescue Lot

Estimate: 1000

3
. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

Estimate: 2000

4
. Remember Lot’s Wife (Forget Jesus)

1

5.
Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)

1

6
. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord killed him too)

1

7.
God’s seven year, world-wide famine

Estimate: 70,000

8.
The Seventh Plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die

Estimate: 300,000

9.
The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt

Estimate: 500,000

10.
The Lord took off their chariot wheels

At least 600

Estimate: 5000

11.
The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

Estimate: 1000

12
. Who is on the Lord’s side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other

3000

13.
The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

Estimate: 1000

14.
God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”

2

15.
A blasphemer is stoned to death

1

16.
When the people complained, God burned them to death

Estimate: 100

17.
While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

Estimate: 10,000

18.
Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

10

19.
A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day

1

20.
The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

At least 3

Estimate: 9

21
. God burns 250 people to death for burning incense

250

22.
God killed 14,700 people for complaining about God’s killings

14,700

23.
The Massacre of the Aradites

Estimate: 3000

24
. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

Estimate: 100

25.
A killing to end God’s killing

24,002

26
. The Midianite Massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

Many more than 6

Estimate: 200,000

27
. God slowly killed the Israelite army

Estimate: 500,000

28.
God the giant killer

Estimate: 5000

29.
God hardens King Sihon’s heart so that all his people can be killed

Many more than 1

Estimate: 5000

30.
Og and all the men, women, and children in 60 cities

More than 1

Estimate: 60,000

31.
The Jericho massacre

Estimate: 1000

32.
Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

At least 1

Estimate: 5

33.
The Ai massacre

12,000

34.
God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

Estimate: 5000

35.
Five kings killed and hung on trees

Many more than 5

Estimate: 10,000

36.
Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded

Many more than 7

Estimate: 7,000

37.
The genocide of twenty Kingdoms

Many more than 2

Estimate: 20,000

38.
The Anakim: Some more giant killing

Estimate: 5000

39.
The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

10,000

40.
The Jerusalem massacre

Estimate: 1000

41.
Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

Estimate: 5,000

42.
The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim

1

Estimate: 1000

43.
Ehud delivers a message from God

1

44.
God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

10,000

45.
Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad

600

46.
Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

Estimate: 1000

47.
Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull

1

48.
The Lord set every man’s sword against his fellow

120,000

49.
A city is massacred and 1000 people burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

More than 1001

Estimate: 2,000

50.
The Ammonite massacre

Estimate: 20,000

51.
Jephthah’s Daughter

1

52.
42,000 killed for failing the “shibboleth” test

42,000

53.
The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes

30

54.
The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

1000

55.
Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

3,000

56.
A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting concubine body part messages)

65,100

57.
The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

Estimate: 4,000

58.
God kills Eli’s sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

34,002

59.
God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

Estimate: 3,000

60.
50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

50,070

61.
The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines

Estimate: 1000

62.
Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)

Estimate: 1000

63.
Jonathan’s very first slaughter (not counting the one before)

20

64.
God forces the Philistines to kill each other

Estimate: 1000

65.
The Amalekite genocide

Estimate: 10,000

66.
Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord

1

67.
In the Valley of Elah: Goliath

1

68.
David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins

200

69.
The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines

Estimate: 10,000

70.
God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

1

71.
David commits random acts of genocide (as a mercenary for the Philistines)

Estimate: 60,000

72.
David spends the day killing Amalekites

Estimate: 1000

73.
God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites

More than 4

Estimate: 100

74.
David killed the messenger

1

75.
David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

2

76.
God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

Estimate: 2,000

77.
God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

1

78.
David killed two thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

Estimate: 667

79.
The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

More than 65,850

Estimate: 66,850

80.
David killed every male in Edom

More than 15,000

Estimate: 65,000

81.
Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

Estimate: 1000

82.
God slowly kills a baby

1

83.
Famine and human sacrifice

Many more than 7

Estimate: 3,000

84.
David’s mighty men and their amazing killings

More than 1403

Estimate: 3,400

85.
God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

More than 70,000

Estimate: 200,000

86.
Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered

2

87.
A tale of two prophets

1

88.
Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child

1

89.
Jeroboam’s family

Estimate: 10

90.
Baasha’s family and friends

Estimate: 20

91.
Zimri burns to death

1

92.
The Drought of Elijah

Estimate: 3,000

93.
Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest

At least 450

Possibly 850 (450 was used as the estimate)

94.
The first God assisted slaughter of the Syrians

Estimate: 10,000

95.
God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills

100,000

96.
God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them

27,000

97.
God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet

1

98.
God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

1

99.
God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

102

100.
God killed king Ahaziah for asking the wrong God

1

101.
God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

42

102.
The Lord delivered the Moabites

Estimate: 5,000

103.
A skeptic is trampled to death

1

104.
God’s seven year famine

Estimate: 7,000

105.
Jehoram of Israel

1

106.
Jezebel

1

107.
Ahab’s sons: Seventy heads in two heaps

70

108.
Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests

Estimate: 20

109
. Jehu killed Ahaziah’s family

42

110.
Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family

Estimate: 20

111.
Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all

Estimate: 1000

112.
The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

2

113.
God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough

Estimate: 10

114.
An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

185,000

115.
God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

1

116.
Josiah killed all the priests of the high places