Fifteen Going on Grown Up (24 page)

By the time midnight approached everyone was hot but happy. With the help of Hally’s and Corrinne’s parents, Clia’s parents handed out glasses of champagne to all but the younger children, who were given lemonade as the countdown to the new year began. The music was turned off and the television turned on and everyone stood close to their respective families as they listened to Big Ben chime in the new year. On the stroke of midnight, glasses were raised and kisses passed around. Wes gave Hally a lingering kiss which set her pulse racing and her heart swell with love. Then there were chants of ‘Happy New Year’ and everyone joining hands to sing Auld Lang Syne.

It was nearly two in the morning when Hally and her family finally said their goodnights, or goodmornings as dad merrily put it and made their way home. Wes had hugged and kissed her before he left with Gregg and Rhys and promised to call her later in the day. At home Hally gave her parents each a kiss and planted one on top of Nathan’s sleepy head, and made her way to her room. She pulled off her clothes and climbed into bed feeling tired but happy. It had been a wonderful evening, dancing and snuggling with Wes, laughing and dancing with Corrinne and Clia, and watching her two friends so very happily cuddling and dancing with their boyfriends. It was a good start to the new year.

Hally was being rocked, then she was being tapped and then she was falling. Falling away from a dream full of bursting champagne bottles, a huge room with high ceilings and crammed with people she didn’t know. Quite suddenly she realised she was awake, mum leaning over her gently shaking her shoulder.

“Mum… what?”

She knew she didn’t have to say any more. She had gone to sleep with her lamp on and in the soft light it cast she saw the look of fear and misery on her mum’s face.

“We have to get over to your Gran’s.”

It was said without panic or rush and Hally knew from what Mildred had explained to them that they had some but not a lot of time.

“Ok, I’ll get dressed, is Nathan up yet?”

“Your dad has gone to get him. Baby you do understand what this means don’t you?”

Mum asked in a voice full of emotion. Pulling off the duvet and climbing out of bed, Hally nodded. She grabbed her bra, jeans, jumper and socks and began dressing hurriedly as she replied.

“I know what this means. Mildred told me that she would know when Gran was close to… to…you know…”

She just couldn’t bring herself to say the word ‘dying’

“She said she would let us know so we could all be… with… her.”

Hally knew if she continued she would burst into tears and she didn’t want to do that, not yet, for now she wanted to be strong for her mum, because although mum was holding it together at the moment, Hally knew she was very fragile and it would not take much for her shell to crack.

The family gathered in the kitchen wrapped in warm outdoor clothing to face the cold outside. Hally was surprised to find she had only been in bed for an hour and a half. Nathan looked sleepy and was somewhat grumpy, but dad had done his best to explain to him why he had to get out of his nice cosy bed, and although it didn’t do much for his mood he understood enough to behave. They set out in the snow and ice treading precariously along frozen pavements. Most of the neighbourhoods they passed through were quiet and dark, but here and there they saw signs that the New Year celebrations were still in full swing. At times they passed other people, some staggering and slipping, and were greeted with ‘Happy new year’. With false smiles they responded in the same way and soon they arrived at Gran and Granddads.

The house was warm and quiet with soft lighting in the room where Gran lay on her recliner. Mildred was leaning over her as they entered gently sponging her face and one hand with warm water. Granddad sat at her side holding her other hand gently stroking her delicate fingers.

“She’s holding on.”

He told them in a flat voice.

“But now you’re all here, I think it won’t be long before she lets go.”

Again his voice was lacking emotion and Hally knew he was struggling to maintain his composure and her heart went out to him. She knelt by his side and placed her hand over his, both holding Gran’s hand gently. Mildred finished bathing Gran and stepped away so that mum, dad and Nathan could sit at her other side. Nathan leaned into his father, his eyes drooping with tiredness.

“Daddy can I go sleep?”

He asked with a wide yawn. Mum looked at her little boy and smiled as dad replied.

“Go and lay on the sofa little one.”

He told him in a soft voice.

“What if Granny dies when I’m asleep?”

He said innocently but with obvious concern. Mum choked back a little sob and took her child’s hand and led him to the sofa. Mildred as ever aware of the situation was ready with a fleece blanket.

“Natty sweetheart, have a little rest, it will be alright.”

Mum told him as she laid him down and tucked the blanket around him. As his eyes began to close he said in a small voice.

“Is Granny gonna go to heaven?”

Stroking his hair away from his brow mum smiled and felt her heart shudder in her breast.

“My angel, I really do think your Gran will go to heaven and from there she will watch over you all of the time.”

Mum had never practised any religion but at that moment she desperately wanted to believe that her mother was going to a safe and pain-free place, and if that was heaven then so be it. Hally still sat with Granddad but could hear her mum’s loving voice speaking to Nathan. Her words brought to Hally’s mind the picture on her wall. Her Gran would be one of those angels watching over all of them.

As dawn approached the family took turns sitting on either side of Gran, holding and stroking her hands. Mildred kept a supply of hot drinks coming for them all in between tending Gran. Although Gran was essentially motionless, Mildred made sure the covers on the recliner were neat and smooth. She ensured the little bowl of water and glycerine was always fresh that was used to moisten Gran’s lips. She prepared some food for them all and sent them into the kitchen, except Granddad and Nathan who was still asleep, because she wanted Gran to have some privacy and dignity whilst she administered pain relief that she had to give by suppository. All of these tasks were completed without fuss and with the utmost gentleness and consideration for all involved.

At nine twenty, Hally was sitting on one side of her Gran and her mum was on the other side. Nathan was awake and dad was supervising his breakfast. Granddad and Mildred were sitting on the sofa sipping coffee. Hally felt a tiny movement in her hand and quickly relayed this to the others. Mildred was on her feet like a cat and mum called dad and Nathan in from the kitchen. Hally stood to allow Granddad to take her place, Granddad taking Gran’s hand in his own. Dad stood near the bottom of the recliner one arm round Nathan, the other holding his hand. Standing close to mum, Mildred pressed her fingers to Gran’s wrist and checked her fob watch as she monitored her pulse.

Hally stood watching her Grandmother’s face, feeling that everything had been suspended in time, that no one was breathing. Then she saw Gran’s eyelids open, her eyes two beautiful orbs, deep blue and clear as crystal. She felt Gran look at all of them, complete clarity and understanding in her eyes, a silent farewell to her family that she loved and cherished so much, and who in turn loved and cherished her too. Then a soft white cloud gently moved across the blueness and as in slow motion her eyelids began to close and then her chest rose once more and then stilled.

At first there was silence, Hally’s vision blurred as tears began to fall down her cheeks, then she heard the soft crying of her mum and Granddad. Mum came to Granddad then the whole family wrapped themselves around each other trying desperately to comfort one another in their grief. For some time they all stayed just like that holding onto each other and holding each other up. Quietly and gently behind them Nurse Mildred continued with her job. Hally heard her soft voice speaking to someone and then there was again just the sound of the family’s sobs.

Over the next few hours things were a blur for Hally. She had called Wes and before she could even begin to tell him what had happened she was sobbing uncontrollably into the phone.

“Hally babe I’ll be straight over.”

He told her. At first she didn’t even realise he had disconnected. Shortly after her phone chirped and she saw the call was coming from Corrinne.

“Hals, do you want me to come over?”

She asked. Before Hally could respond her text alert went off and mumbling “Just a sec” to Corrinne quickly checked the message.

tried to call got busy signal wes called do you want me to come over

“It’s Clia, she just asked me the same.”

Hally told Corrinne. She felt completely detached from everything and couldn’t even grasp the simplicity of her friends’ question.

“So, shall we?”

Corrinne asked carefully.

“Shall you what?”

Hally replied.

“Come over Hals.”

“Oh, yes, oh please, I really don’t know what to do.”

Sobbing uncontrollably again she didn’t hear Corrinne tell her she would call Clia and they would both come over, and again was still holding her phone to her ear even though her friend had disconnected.

Later in the day Hally sat in her own home with Wes and her two best friends. Wes had taken charge and called Corrinne and Clia and asked them to meet them at Hally’s instead of coming to Gran’s. He explained to them that Hally’s mum thought it might be too difficult for Hally to cope with the arrangements that had to be made.

So now, she had talked herself out about Gran, going over and over her last hours with her. Wes sat with his arm around her and Corrinne and Clia snuggled close on her other side. Mum and dad were still at her grandparents house as there was a lot to help Granddad with. When Wes arrived he first gave his full attention to Hally, then hugged the other members of the family. Nurse Mildred then took him through to the lounge to see Gran who looked just as though she were sleeping. Mum then told Hally to go home as she thought it might be too stressful for her to be there when the doctor came out to confirm the death and for Gran to then be moved to the funeral home. Without argument Hally agreed and offered to take Nathan, but mum told her Nathan was now upstairs sleeping. Hally was surprised at herself that she hadn’t even noticed Nathan was no longer in the kitchen.

“It’s ok baby, even though we expected this it’s still a shock to you.”

Mum told her, her voice choked with emotion. So, almost numb with pain and anguish, Hally hugged and kissed her mum, dad, Granddad and even Nurse Mildred and allowed Wes to wrap her in her coat and his arms and take her home. Now she sat huddled afraid she would never feel happy again.

The next few days were stressful for the entire family. Hally helped as much as she could especially with Nathan and she had Corrinne and Clia with her most of the time to help too. Wes divided his time between her and work and all this at least gave Hally a little respite from her feelings. However there were times, even when she had company that she simply couldn’t concentrate on anything. She often found herself drifting away into her own world in the middle of a conversation, or when she was eating, or watching television, or anytime really.

There were brief moments when her mind would almost forget and she would talk to her friends about normal things. She would laugh and share jokes, then suddenly her grief would come flooding back in and she would feel guilty for those tiny moments of happiness. Watching her mum cope was hard, watching her go about her normal daily routines with Nathan, the home, with her, all which she dealt with in her usual efficient way, yet with a sadness so deep, it was almost solid. Dad was a rock to them all and Hally watched him give his wife so much love and care without smothering her, she watched him play with Nathan and she soaked up the attention, love and comfort he gave to her. Together, they all supported Granddad. He had chosen to stay at his own home even though mum desperately wanted him to stay with them.

“No love. I need to be here where she was. This was our home for all our married life. I have to carry on though God only knows how I’m going to do that. But, somehow, I will. She wanted me to continue living, not to grieve for ever, although I will, but you know how strong she was…well… she…made me promise…to…look after you.”

Granddad told mum, his voice cracking, after she had tried for the tenth time to get him to come and stay with them. Mum wrapped her arms around her father and together they sobbed and tried to give comfort to each other. Hally felt her heart breaking at this sight and took herself out into the still snow covered garden to shed more tears of her own. She felt alone and empty but didn’t want to invade their grief with her own. She knew this was irrational, that they would give her love and comfort too, but she just felt they needed to have that moment to themselves.

As the days passed and the new term grew closer, Hally felt the loss of her Gran in so many different ways. At times she would simply sit in her room looking at the angels on the wall and remember growing up with her Gran nearby. Other times she would cry silently into her pillow, or sob loudly into Wes’ shoulder, or the girls’ arms. She would wander around the house as though sleep walking, not always remembering why she went into that room, or what she wanted out of the fridge. One time she found herself holding a full cup of tea that was stone cold and completely untouched. She wasn’t even sure exactly when she had made it. Sometimes she would crave company only to find herself wanting to be alone the minute someone came close, then desperately seeking solace in a hug from a family member, Wes or her friends. She was so mixed up she felt as though she had been thrown into a giant blender.