Finding Cassie Crazy (23 page)

I said, ‘Yeah, I liked your letters, too.'

He nodded a bit and then started again, ‘And that story about how you and Lyd and Em—I mean, Lyd and Em, I feel like they're
my
best friends, Cass—they're the coolest. That story about how you guys cut class to go to the movies? And your teacher ? Ms Spew? Or what was it? Ms Chunder?'

‘Ms Ralph.'

‘Ms
Ralph
!' he laughed loudly. ‘Ms Ralph! She was waiting for you there in the classroom, with the pizza and the chocolate crumble or whatever it was, and you guys were at
the
movies
and then you felt
guilty
and you baked a cake for her!! I
loved
that story.'

So now I'm thinking he's going a bit far. Like my letters weren't
that
good.

I shook my head and bits of rain splattered around, and then I shivered and said, ‘So, should we go somewhere a bit warmer? You want to have a coffee or something?'

‘And Claire, the counsellor? She wears colours that are too bright for her, Cass! And you want to put your
hand
in the air, don't you, Cass? You want to put your hand in the air. You feel like you're drowning, eh? You kind of are drowning in this rain, huh? You want to put your hand in the air right now? Go ahead. I won't laugh.'

So then I knew something was wrong. But I thought I could fix it. I said, ‘What are you doing exactly?' and tried to make my voice sound kind of cool/tough.

‘Well, Cass, I guess I'm just trying to share with you what it's like getting to know you. I guess I'm just trying to give you a little hint of exactly how much I want to be talking to the biggest nerd on earth. You understand, Cass, how I tried to stop you writing in the beginning? But you just kept going, so I had to try a different strategy. You put yourself in my shoes, maybe, and think about getting letters from a girl who wears glasses with a patch over one eye?'

I just whispered, ‘That was in first grade.'

But he was looking right into my eyes, and went on: ‘A girl who plays the piano and she squeezes a squash ball, and recommends that I do the same so I can play the friggin
trombone.
'

And then I just stared at him, and he laughed and said, ‘Sorry. Trumpet. I play the trumpet, don't I?'

I felt stupid with the shock.

I also have to say I was scared out of my mind. Seeing as you want to know what I'm afraid of, Lyd.

Then he put his hand in his pocket and took out a piece of paper and said, ‘And you know how much I want to read a letter that your
mother
wrote to your
father
all about what you were like when you were a
baby
,' then he held up this letter that I'd sent him for some reason, back when I first wrote to him, and he ripped up the paper into little pieces, saying, ‘This is how interested I am in
that
.'

Then he finished up by leaning in close and saying, ‘I've got a girlfriend at my own school, thanks. Besides which, I'd prefer to have a cockroach crawling around in my ear than to hear one more word in your snooty, patronising, private school voice.
Now
do you get it?'

Then he stepped away, put this manic smile back on his face and said in the friendly voice again, ‘Hey, Cass! You're getting wet in the rain there! Here, take my umbrella!'

Then he closed his umbrella, put it down at my feet and walked away.

So that's what happened.

That was fun, writing that down.

Monday

Hey Seb
Stand up straight and pay attention because you are about to receive the most important challenge of your life.

You ready to hear what it is?

Find Matthew Dunlop.

You know how we thought Matthew Dunlop was a figment of Cassie's imagination? Well, wake up and smell the coffee grounds and lavender stalks which my mother just put down the insinkerator. (It's breakfast time.)

He exists and he goes to your school, and he was
using a false name.

(Slap your forehead and say, ‘
Of course!'
Go on.)

Em and I found Cass in the reserve behind our school on Thursday night, sitting there in the rain, crying her eyes out. Because, guess what, this guy thought it would be funny to do the Pen Pal Project in the following way: use a fake name, act as if he likes Cass, set up a meeting and then tell Cass he hates her.

Yeah, it's pretty funny isn't it. Why didn't we all think of doing something like that? Because seriously, I can't think of anything more hilarious than leading on a girl and then TEARING HER TO SHREDS.

It is
so so funny.

You want to know the two things I hate most in the whole world? (a) people who are liars, and (b) people who treat my friends badly.

I hope you'll help us find out who he is. He is the excrement of a maggot that lives with other maggots in the excrement of a sheep. So he should be fairly recognisable.

Em and I have given ourselves two weeks to find him. I think you understand the importance of this challenge.

Thanks
Lydia

Charlie!
I will cut to the chase, which is: there IS such a person as Matthew Dunlop but Matthew Dunlop is not who that person is.

Lyd and I feel stupid because we never even thought of the possibility. Instead, we thought that Cass was crazy and this is because we see too many movies.

Cass didn't want to tell us the details, but Lyd did this excellent thing where she made us write out our secret fears, with the plan being that we read each others' fears in ten years.
However,
when she was just about to ceremonially staple these fears into the back of her Note-book, you know what she did? She looked up and declared: ‘At this point,
one
of us can
volunteer
to have the others read her assignment.'

Cass just handed hers over, like she knew that was what she was supposed to do. Or maybe it was what she really wanted to do. I'm not sure.

So Lyd and I read it, and it was about Matthew Dunlop and, I tell you, it made my blood freeze over. He acted like Cass's friend and then was totally emotionally vicious. I do not know why anyone would do this. To a girl whose dad died last year in particular.

Therefore, we are going to find out who Matthew Dunlop is so he can be eviscerated.

I'm hoping that you might be able to help with this search. As you know, whoever he is, he must be in your English class. So therefore, perhaps you could do the following: arrange a line-up for us.

You will know what a line-up is from watching
Law and Order
or possibly from your own criminal past, which you have not yet disclosed to me.

In any case, will you please gather the boys from your class and ask them to walk past the front gates of our school in an orderly procession? I will, in turn, arrange to have Cass stand in the shadows and say: ‘That's him! That is the boy who was cruel to me!'

So, I will now close, looking forward to your response.

Emily

Tuesday

Hey Lyd
That's one screwed-up guy, whoever he is.

Where do we meet to discuss strategy? Name a time and place.

Ciao, bella
Seb

Dear Emily
I'm sorry that someone from this school was mean to your friend. Maybe it's something to bring up with your English teacher? Because I've gotta say, I always thought the
penfriends-with-Ashbury idea was a catastrophe waiting to happen.

Similar to giving my sister Jessica lessons on how to ride a motorbike. What did Kevin think was going to happen? But that's just incidental.

I'm happy to help, but I don't think I can get the guys in my English class to walk past your school gate in a procession. To be honest, Em, you seem smarter in real life than you do in your letters.

No offence.

Anyhow, what if I sent you last year's form photo?

Catch ya
Charlie
PS I know you're busy finding Matthew Dunlop, but do you have a free moment to continue training me to be hot? I don't think one Date with a Girl was enough.

Dear Charlie
I know! I thought the same thing! About the catatonic nature of the Pen Pal Program? A disaster waiting to happen? Me too! I was going to organise a protest at the beginning but then I thought better of it. But still, it was only under duress and I really thought:
THIS WILL NEVER WORK! THEY ARE CRIMINALS AT THAT SCHOOL!

Okay, that's a good idea if you send us the form photo. Please hurry up and send it. Also, why don't you take some Polaroids of your English class, to narrow it down? Although, ‘Matthew Dunlop' might notice you taking photos and he might think we are on to him, and that would be
a shame. We need to cook on the element of surprise.

Okay, we can do a bit of training of you, so you can win Christina's heart; we can do that on the side.

And to begin, I would like to see how you Say Hello to a Girl Who You Meet by Chance.

I am thinking that you might just lean against the front gates of our school tomorrow afternoon and I'll be walking through the gates, let's say around 4.30 if that's enough time for you, and we will spot each other
as if by chance
, and you will say, ‘Hi Emily, how are you?' Or something more lively than that.

Great.

But don't tell me whether you plan to come: it must be a great unknown.

Love
Emily

Dear Seb
I was thinking I'd send you some samples of Matthew's letters, so you could compare the handwriting to the guys in your English class. But Cass says he typed all the letters.

She also said a strange thing. She wants to write to Matthew again. I said, ‘Kid, let me take your temperature.' But she explained that while he was being mean to her in the reserve she just stood there and took it, so he got the last word.

She said she wants the last word. Which I understand. And which also makes me think of a strategy.

Let's say Cass writes to him, and let's say he reads the letter, and let's say the letter has some kind of strong perfume
on it, so strong that the person reading the letter is likely to get the scent onto his hands, and let's say—

I think you see where I'm going with this!

Do you?

If I tell you when Cass sends her letter, can you watch out for a guy in your English class who smells like freesias?

Thanks
Lyd

Wednesday

Dear Lyd
Okay, I will sniff out the scoundrel for you. But I don't know what freesias smell like.

You'll have to spray the perfume onto yourself then swing by the Blue Danish some time and find me sitting at a corner table, where I will lean forward and breathe deeply of your neck and your wrists.