Finding Cassie Crazy (27 page)

Dear Em
Let's have another training session to talk about all your issues.
Love
Charlie
PS You said that your Auntie June is a ‘garrulous' person who hardly says a word. I don't see how that works. I didn't know what ‘garrulous' meant so I asked my mum, and she said it means a person who talks a lot. Like you in your letters.

Dear Charlie
Okay, now, listen here, Charlie. There is no need for you to correct my language. I notice that this is getting to be a habit, and I think it is very strange that ‘garrulous' means talkative. To me, the word ‘garrulous' has a nervy, shaky feeling, matching Auntie June to a T.

But that is as it may be, and I am going to tell you a story that I learned in German today. Frau McAllister even showed us a video of it happening so we know it is a true story. Well,
what happened was, a former President of the United States went to Berlin, Germany, and he shouted at the crowd: ‘
Ich bin ein Berliner!!
' Now, for some reason that I cannot fathom he was trying to say ‘I am a resident of Berlin!!' (He wasn't.) But, for some reason that I also cannot fathom he was actually saying: ‘I am a doughnut!!'

Now, I believe that Frau McAllister was showing us the video to teach us a little lesson about how you can make a fool of yourself when you speak German.

HOWEVER, I will tell you the lesson that I took from the story.

It is this: after the President shouted ‘I am a doughnut!!', well, the crowd CHEERED.

They SHOUTED AND CHEERED. Did they just become quiet and embarrassed on his behalf? Did they laugh and scorn him? Did they say, ‘PS Mr President, you have that word wrong?' No. I don't think so.

Because they knew what he meant.

And the thing is, Charlie, you know what I mean when I get mixed up and, more important,
I
know what I mean.

So shut up.

It is so cold today that I cannot put this pen down. It is frozen to my fingers.

Love
Emily
PS Will we continue with the program? Yes, I hope so. I would like to do Gazing into the Girl's Eyes next. When can we do that?

Dear Em
Don't you think that at some point somebody told the President about his doughnut mistake? Maybe the next time he was eating a cinnamon doughnut, someone said, ‘Hey Mr President, how does that Berliner taste, eh?'

Because if nobody told him he might have kept coming back year after year saying this same thing and in the end they would have stopped cheering.

I dropped by your school yesterday arvo, just in case I might bump into you and get to practise Saying Hello to a Girl I Met by Chance. Anyhow, it was earlier than normal as we got out of sport on account of the rain. I didn't see you, but I did hear the bell ringing for the end of the Ashbury school day, followed by a lot of announcements from your school PA system.

And when I heard
one
particular announcement, well, VASHOOM (that's the sound of my amazing memory). VASHOOM went my amazing memory.

You recall that chick who called my school about a gas explosion last term, and I made a total arse of myself by ringing the alarm and everything? And then missed out on the car show of my dreams? You recall that I could hear an announcement in the background of that prank call, which I took note of, and which I took to be as follows:

Would all [something something] who are [something] on the inside of the Balkans, please be devout immediately [something]
and the lives of others.

Well, I'm standing outside your school and I hear the following over your PA system there:

Would all those students who are climbing on the inside of the balconies please get out of there immediately. You are endangering your own lives
and the lives of others
.

VASHOOM, as I said, goes my memory and hyperlinks the two announcements.

The chick was calling from your school, Emily. I know it. And for some reason, which I cannot fathom, the kids at your school are regularly climbing on the inside of the balconies.

But the question is: why would someone at your school want to make a prank call to my school?

Maybe YOU could help track down the evil witch who made this phone call, just as I (tried to) track down the evil Matthew Dunlop to help you? Interested?

Catch you
Charlie

Hey Em
I haven't heard from you for a couple of days. Is everything okay? I was at your school again yesterday afternoon, hanging out, but maybe you're tired of the training course? Maybe you're avoiding me? I swear I will not hang out at your school gates any more if you don't want me to. It's f/n freezing anyway.

I will spend my time at home instead, kicking the pebble around.

Catch ya
Charlie

Dear Charlie
Well, Lyd and I have had a secret meeting to talk about the revenge on Paul Wilson. It went on for several hours and the
ap-chotte
of it was that:

Also, Charlie, listen, I would be very happy to help you track down the girl who made the prank call about the gas explosion. You know what, now I think about it, it was almost certainly Bindy Mackenzie. She is that type. I will be really mean to her for you, and you will forget all about it and get on with your life. Okay? Great

Best wishes
Emily

Dear Emily
I know you don't want to be corrected, but I swear to God you mean ‘upshot', don't you? Not
ap-chotte?
It is not always necessary to translate things into another language you know.

Are you sure you want me to go after Christina? Lately I've kind of thought I might just give up on that. Plus, didn't you and I need to Gaze into Each Other's Eyes first? How will I know how to gaze at Christina? And my pebble kicking? Disaster.

Love
Charlie
PS What makes you think it was Bindy Mackenzie who made the prank call? It sounds like you just kind of generally hate her, the reason being that she made a mistake about the trumpet playing of ‘Matthew Dunlop'. Is it really Bindy's fault she made a mistake? Maybe she just wanted to be friendly with Cassie?

Dear Charlie
Can you stop lecturing me please? Thanks. It's really morally resplendent. And besides, it is as if you don't want me to be ME.

Plus, Charlie, you get a lot of things wrong.

Eg: you say that the only reason I don't like Bindy is that she made a mistake. But no! There are plenty of reasons not to like Bindy: she has a very high-pitched voice, for one. And today, furthermore, she has a pimple under her nose and she doesn't seem to know about it. Or at least she hasn't squeezed
it, even though it is like a tomato seed, and therefore I get the impression that she doesn't know about it.

Second eg: you say that ‘it is not necessary to translate things into another language'. Well, BLEEP (as in the sound of an incorrect answer). It is ALWAYS NECESSARY TO TRANSLATE THINGS.

And I know this because just last night, Lyd and I were at Cass's place, and Cass's mother was on her treadmill there. She was running along on her treadmill, yet standing still, as is the nature of the treadmill, and she had many little rivulets of sweat on her face and her neckline.

Cass's mother is freckled and large-bosomed, and her name is Patricia. Therefore, I will now call her Patricia for this story.

Anyhow, Lyd, Cass and I were just watching TV, with the background thud-thud-thud of Patricia's feet on her treadmill. Then this ad came on, which maybe you have seen, in which a man in a suit comes home and his wife leans out of the kitchen and says, ‘Just making you a
divine
Diamante Dinner, darling,' and the husband says, ‘You can make
me
dinner
any
day, my Diamante darling.'