Finding Peace (Finding Series, Book 3) (8 page)

“What story?” Luke couldn’t help but ask as he followed Dane towards the back of the building.

“There’s a rumor going around that Gray was having an affair with the actor who’s going to be starring in the movies based on his books. The guy’s supposedly straight and engaged to his very pregnant girlfriend so the press is having a field day.”

Gray’s reluctance to go to the ER had much greater meaning now. But Luke knew for a fact that it wasn’t a scandalous relationship Gray was trying to hide.

Dane led him into a small room full of medical supplies and grabbed an empty box from underneath the counter which he gave to Luke to hold so he could start loading it up.

“What are his symptoms?” Dane asked as he worked.

“Dry skin, sunken eyes, he’s easily confused. Chapped lips, rapid pulse.”

Dane nodded. “And you’ve done this before?”

“Yeah. My unit didn’t always have a medic on hand so things kind of fell to me.”

Dane’s eyes flipped up to his. “I want you to text me every hour until he’s out of the woods and if there’s no improvement by” – Dane glanced at his watch – “three, promise you’ll take him to the ER and call me so I can meet you there.” The man’s tone left little room for argument. Not that Luke would have argued anyway – Dane clearly cared about Gray.

“How do you know him?” Luke asked Dane, though a part of him was nervous about learning the answer.

“I’ve been a fan of his books for a while but we met a couple of months ago at the bookstore in town.”

“So you two weren’t-”

“No,” Dane said quickly, sparing Luke a brief glance. “Just friends…though maybe not even that,” Dane said sadly.

“What do you mean?”

Dane shrugged. “Jax and I were having some problems then…well, I was having the problems and Jax was just trying to figure me out,” he said with a self-deprecating chuckle.

“Did Gray come between you or something?”

“No…God, no,” Dane said quickly. “Jax was the only one I wanted. Gray actually helped me figure that out. He told me to fight for what I wanted and never let go because life was too short for anything else.”

A sick feeling went through Luke. God, had Gray known even then how sick he was? Had he been facing his disease by himself the whole time?

“Good advice, right?” Dane said softly and Luke realized the man had stopped loading the box and was staring at him thoughtfully. The words he wasn’t saying rang loud and clear.

“Gray and I are just friends,” Luke murmured.

Dane’s eyes went from his to the box in his hand. “I’d buy that if I didn’t see how scared you are for him,” he said as he motioned to the box.

He supposed the easiest way to set Dane straight would be to tell him he wasn’t interested in men but he couldn’t force the words past his lips. He still wasn’t interested in men…he was only interested in one man. The proof of that was standing right in front of him. Dane was a good looking guy, kind-hearted, sweet. And though Luke’s encounter with Jax the other night had been brief, he hadn’t missed how stunning the man was and that his build was similar to Gray’s. But he didn’t feel even a hint of attraction towards either man. Whatever was going on with him, it was unique to Gray and only Gray.

Luke was saved from having to come up with an adequate response when the bell went off indicating someone had entered the building. A loud voice called out, “Dane, you here?”

“Back here,” Dane responded.

Luke saw Jax stiffen on seeing him when he entered the small supply room but he didn’t hesitate to lean down and kiss Dane in greeting. “Where’s Emma?” he asked as his hooded gaze glanced at Luke who’d automatically taken a few steps back to give the lovers some space.

“In the house with Mrs. Greene.”

“Where’s Gray?” was the next question out of Jax’s mouth and Luke didn’t miss the tension in the big man’s frame as he looked at the supplies in the box.

“Tell you in a sec,” Dane said softly and then his hand was stroking over Jax’s arm as if to ease the man. And damn if it didn’t just work because Jax immediately dropped his arms and laced his fingers through Dane’s. The sight did something to Luke’s insides that temporarily pushed away the stress of being in such close proximity to the lawman who was in full uniform and the knowledge that all the guy had to do was ask Luke for ID and he was screwed.

“Luke,” Dane said gently and Luke finally tore his gaze from Jax’s long enough to look at the vet. “I could come back to Gray’s place with you and help out,” he offered.

“Dane, I’m sorry…” Luke began to say but then shook his head. How could he tell the man that it would need to be Gray’s decision if and how much he would say about his condition?

But Dane saved him by saying, “Remember to text me and ask him to call me when he’s feeling better. And if you need anything, anything at all…”

Luke quickly nodded. “I’ll call. And I’ll make sure he calls you. Thank you,” he added as he began backing towards the door. Jax’s eyes narrowed again but he remained silent. Once Luke was out of sight, he hurried towards the front of the clinic. He heard lowered voices behind him but a quick glance over his shoulder showed that Jax wasn’t following him. Still, he didn’t manage a deep breath until he was actually in the truck and had pulled the gun from its hiding place and tucked it into his pants. Unfortunately, his relief was short-lived because after that, his only thought was to get to back Gray.

***

He finally felt warm, so it had to be a dream. Gray would have chuckled at the absurdity of it all if he’d been awake. He’d fallen pretty far to be so excited about something as simple as not feeling the endless, bone deep chill that had consumed him since the first time a nurse had stuck the needle in his arm that would deliver the poison that would have to slowly kill him in order to save him. What he wouldn’t give for the good old days of dreaming about being buried balls deep in a hot guy with a tight ass. Hell, he’d even take the more standard - albeit fucked up - dream where he was standing on the sidelines of his own life watching everything he’d worked for come to fruition and wishing he could somehow undo it all.

No, warm was good. He’d take warm. It was that thought that had him snuggling farther under the covers but then he felt the tell-tale sting of the needle in his arm and he sat upright.

“No,” he whispered as his gaze focused on the needle buried deep in his vein.

“Gray-”

“Not enough time,” he muttered as he reached to yank the offending thing out of his body. He was finally feeling almost human.

“Gray, don’t,” he heard a stern voice order and then his hands were being gripped in a strong hold.

“Luke,” he said as the final fog of sleep lifted. “I’m supposed to have a week in between treatments,” he said desperately.

“It’s just fluids, Gray,” Luke said as he settled his weight onto the bed next to Gray.

Gray glanced up at the IV dangling from an eyelet attached to the wall. It was then that he realized he wasn’t even in the hospital. He looked back down at the needle in his forearm. “What…who did this?”

“I did,” Luke said quietly. “You were dangerously dehydrated. It was either this or the hospital.”

The warmth that was spreading through Gray’s body was nothing compared to the heat around his wrists and he glanced down to see that Luke was still holding his hands.

“Don’t try to pull it out, okay?” Luke said and when Gray nodded, Luke released him. “How do you feel?”

“Good,” Gray responded. And he did. Besides feeling warm, he didn’t feel like he’d gone ten rounds with a heavyweight boxer and the endless nausea was actually non-existent for once. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Almost sixteen hours,” Luke answered.

“How did you do this?” Gray asked as he motioned to the IV.

Luke’s eyes shifted away from him for a moment before finally meeting his and holding him with an intense, almost heated look. “I asked Dane for the IV supplies.”

All the warmth Gray was feeling disappeared and his throat closed up with despair. “No,” he whispered.

Luke’s hand came up to palm his cheek so that he had no choice but to look at Luke. “Gray, I had no choice.”

“I didn’t want him to know…I didn’t want any of them to know.”

“I just told Dane you were sick – I didn’t give him details. But he’s a smart guy…”

The rough skin against Gray’s cheek felt good and Gray wished like hell he could lean into it, even if just for a moment. Or better yet, wrap his arms around Luke’s neck and bury his face against the man’s strong body where nothing could touch him anymore.

“Gray, I had no choice,” Luke whispered again and it was the desperate tone that had Gray forcing himself to nod.

“I’m sorry, it’s okay,” he finally said and he realized it was true. “I trust Dane – he won’t say anything.”

“He said the press were trying to find you to ask you about some story.”

Shit, that was something Gray had absolutely no interest in discussing with Luke because then he’d have to admit to a mess of crap he was trying to forget. And luckily, his body was cooperating with him and he didn’t have to lie when he said, “Luke, I’ve really got to take a piss.”

Luke chuckled and the sound washed over Gray’s whole body like a caress. Luke glanced up at the nearly empty IV bag and said, “Okay, let me take this out.” His expert fingers made quick work of removing the needle from his arm and covering the area with a Band-Aid. Gray quickly climbed to his feet and was grateful for the hand that wrapped around his elbow to steady him until he got his bearings.

“Take it slow,” Luke murmured.

“Really not going to be able to do that,” Gray gritted out which earned him another laugh from Luke. God, the guy’s voice, touch and that fucking laugh were turning him inside out.

Luke helped him to the bathroom but blessedly didn’t follow him inside. When he was done, Luke was waiting for him. “You up to trying to eat something?”

The thought of food instantly brought back the dreaded metallic taste but it wasn’t as strong as it had been the day before so he nodded. He managed to make it to the kitchen on his own two feet but stopped when he took in the sight of the doorless cabinets. “Wow,” he said.

“Yeah, that,” Luke mumbled. “Been trying to keep busy,” was all he said. “Sit,” he ordered gently and Gray turned to go to the table. As soon as he sat, things started appearing in front of him. Various glasses and bottles full of liquid, a banana, a peach, some crackers and what looked like a container of pudding.

“So I did some research while you were sleeping and I think there’s a couple things we can try that might not taste as bad to you,” Luke began. “Instead of plain water, you can add some citrus flavor – the acid will help balance out the metallic taste.” Luke pushed a couple of glasses forward.

Caught off guard, Gray could only stare at the first glass.

“Gray…”

The way Luke whispered his name had a knot of something drawing tight deep inside of Gray’s gut but he managed to take a sip of the first glass. The awful taste was there but it wasn’t as pronounced. He tried the others. The last one actually tasted decent and he ended up taking several long swallows that had Luke smiling widely.

“Good?” Luke asked excitedly.

Gray was so overwhelmed by how light the man’s expression looked that he could only nod.

“So for food, they say soft, mild tasting fruits are good…”

Gray only heard half of what Luke was saying because it was finally hitting him what this man had done for him. Not only had he taken the time to research the foods and drinks that would be easier on Gray’s body, he’d also gone to Dane looking for the help that Gray had no idea he’d even needed. The implications were stunning. Luke hadn’t just risked his own safety by leaving the cabin, he’d gone to the home of a police officer who could have easily detained him and discovered who he was.

“Why did you do this?” Gray heard himself ask.

At the interruption, Luke looked at him like it was a ridiculous question. “Because you needed it.”

Gray couldn’t manage to say anything after that and it was all he could do not to lean in and brush his lips over Luke’s so he forced himself to start trying the different foods Luke had laid out. Most of them didn’t taste like metal but they didn’t taste like anything else either because all Gray could focus on was Luke’s soul shattering statement.

Because you needed it.

Chapter Six

“I didn’t even know this was here,” Gray murmured.

“You never explored the property?” Luke asked as he double-checked to make sure the blanket was still covering Gray as much as possible. Although the temperature was well above freezing, he knew Gray’s body couldn’t afford to lose too much body heat. He checked his watch so he’d be able to keep track of the time.

“No.”

“How come?”

“Too preoccupied I guess.”

“You knew you were sick when you came out here?” Luke ventured.

Gray nodded. “I got the diagnosis a couple of months ago. I’d felt something one morning in the shower but I kept putting off a visit to my doctor.” Gray’s laugh sounded ugly. “I was such a fool…I actually thought nothing could touch me. I thought I’d climbed so high that nothing could take me down. And then the doctor throws out the C word and the first thing I did was call him a quack. Then he tells me he needs to cut both my balls off. I told him to fuck off and then I went looking for a real doctor. Only the second one told me the same exact thing. I thought for sure the third one would be the charm.”

Gray fell silent as he shifted on the log. Ripley was uncharacteristically solemn and lay at Gray’s feet instead of playing in the creek like she usually did. “We should go inside,” Luke said softly.

“Just a few more minutes,” Gray whispered, his eyes settled on some far off point in the darkness.

“Did you have the surgery?”

A nod and then Gray’s eyes dropped to the ground. “Neutered just like a dog,” he croaked.

“Gray-”

“I was paranoid that the news would get out so I came out here for radiation treatments. I’d bought this place sight unseen a few years ago as a place I could come to get some writing done. My lawyer set it up so I could buy it using a land trust – that way it wouldn’t be as easy for people to find out it was mine. And I figured Dare was small enough that the chances anyone would recognize me were slim to none.”

“Why all the secrecy?”

“My career really took off a couple years ago when my book hit the bestseller list. I wasn’t a household name or anything but then Hollywood started knocking on my door. After that, everything just snowballed. I signed a contract for my first three books in the series to be made into movies – the deal was worth millions and suddenly I went from being a nobody who spent fifteen hours a day in front of his computer to a guy rubbing elbows with celebrities on the red carpet. Talk shows, magazine articles…it was surreal. It was my dream come true.”

Gray drew the blanket tighter around his body but before Luke could insist they go inside, he continued. “I took advantage of it – all of it. I had stylists telling me how to dress, publicists who told me what to say and how to say it so I could sell my brand. A personal trainer, chef, you name it. And everybody and their brother wanted to be my friend. But the best part was the men -  it was like God had handed me a fucking buffet.

“I loved it, you know? The attention. Guys who wouldn’t have given me the time of day before all of a sudden wanted me. But I knew it wasn’t me that they wanted, not really. Didn’t stop me from taking what they were offering, though.”

Hearing about Gray’s active sexual history caused jealousy to burn through every cell in Luke’s body but he managed to keep his agitation to himself and was actually proud when his voice sounded steady as he said, “It doesn’t make you a bad person, Gray.”

“What does it make me?” Gray asked. “I didn’t give a shit that the men I was with were married or closeted or believed that we would have some kind of relationship going forward. I used them.”

“So what, you think this is the universe’s way of punishing you?”

Gray dashed at his eyes. “It’s what I thought at first. I didn’t have any other explanation for what was happening and I needed a fucking reason,” Gray said vehemently. “But when the doctor told me the cancer had spread…” Gray shook his head slowly.

“That’s when your doctor said you needed chemo?”

Gray nodded. “The radiation hadn’t been that bad so I figured the chemo wouldn’t be either.”

“Didn’t they tell you what to expect?”

“Yeah, they did. I just chose to believe I was going to be the exception. People have been telling me my whole life that I wasn’t going to be anything…to accept my limitations and settle. I figured cancer would just be one more thing I had to say ‘Fuck off’ to. The nausea, the hair,” - Gray ran his hand over his scalp – “none of it was going to apply to me.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“Who?” Gray said with another one of his harsh laughs. “My parents who hate me almost as much as they hate each other? The half-brother I’m not on speaking terms with? My so called management team?”

“Friends then?” Luke said. “Dane, Jax.”

“Jax hates my guts and Dane…Dane’s had enough of his own shit to deal with. He’s finally in a good place.”

“Dane was really worried about you, Gray. And the fact that he gave me the supplies I needed…he risked a lot by doing that. That cop – Jax – he could have stopped me at any point to look at my ID or ask me questions but he didn’t.”

Gray didn’t answer him but Luke could tell he was mulling over Luke’s words. “How come you don’t want people to know what you’re going through?”

“In the beginning I didn’t want to deal with the stigma of it, you know? I mean, testicular cancer – the treatment is pretty obvious. Sure, a lot of people would have been supportive but they would have looked at me differently – like I was half a man. And I didn’t want to deal with the questions. But then when I found out it was in my liver, I was terrified that the public would expect me to be some kind of role model or something.”

“Why does that scare you?” Luke asked.

“People need their role models to be strong and accepting and know all the right things to say. I’m scared shitless and all I want to do is yell at the top of my lungs that I don’t want to die.”

When Gray’s voice cracked, Luke put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him to his chest. There were no harsh sobs this time but Luke could feel moisture seeping through his shirt where Gray’s head was pressed up against his heart and Gray’s fingers were biting into his sides.

Luke wished he could find the right words to say, but everything that entered his mind seemed trite and as much as he wanted to tell Gray he’d be okay, it was a promise he just couldn’t make. So instead, he just placed his free hand over the back of Gray’s neck and held him so that the other man would know that he wasn’t alone anymore.

***

Gray swallowed hard just before knocking on the door. He wasn’t surprised when it opened within seconds since he’d asked Dane if it was okay if he came over. But it wasn’t Dane who answered.

Jax was holding Emma in his arms but anything he might have been about to say died a quick death and he just stared at Gray in horror. It sucked to have to stand there as Jax tried to register what he was seeing but Gray knew it was a lot to take in – there were times when he no longer recognized himself in the mirror. While the cotton cap he’d bought from the specialized cancer shop at the hospital earlier in the week covered most of his head, there was no way to hide his missing eyebrows. Add in his pale skin and weight loss and he knew he was barely recognizable.

“Gray,” Jax managed to whisper and then he was stepping back to let Gray enter.

“Hey,” Gray said as he stepped inside. “Thanks for letting me come over so early.”

“Yeah…it’s no problem,” Jax said and Gray would have enjoyed how flustered the man was if he hadn’t seen the dreaded pity in his eyes too. Luckily, Emma chose that moment to extend her arms towards him.

“Can I?” Gray asked.

“Of course,” Jax quickly said and handed the baby over. Emma wriggled in his arms as her chubby hands began patting his face and Gray couldn’t help but smile. She reached up and began playing with the cap and Gray figured it was as good a time as any to bite the bullet so he pulled the cap off his head and handed it to her.

The sound of something breaking had Gray jerking his gaze to the right. In the doorway leading to the kitchen stood Dane with a very unbalanced tray in his hands. There were two cups still on it as well as what Gray could only assume were containers for sugar and cream. A third cup lay in pieces at Dane’s feet. Gray was about to say something when Jax darted to Dane’s side and rescued the tray before the rest of the contents hit the floor.

“Gray,” Dane whispered just before he put his hand over his mouth. Then he was surging forward and dragging Gray into his arms.

“I’m okay, Dane,” he whispered against Dane’s ear as he heard a strangled cry leave Dane’s lips. Luke had been right – how had Gray not seen that these men cared about him?

Dane nodded against him and then said, “Why don’t you take Emma into the living room? I’m just going to help Jax clean up,” Dane managed to get out. Gray suspected the man also needed a moment to get himself together because Dane quickly turned away from him and wiped at his face.

Gray carried Emma into the living room and sat in one of the arm chairs and balanced the little girl on his lap. He used the cap to play peek a boo with her and couldn’t help but smile when she giggled every time he did it. Several minutes passed before her fathers joined them. Jax was carrying the tray and Dane was right behind him with the coffee pot. Neither man made a move to take the baby from him as they settled down on the couch. The sight of Jax lacing his fingers through Dane’s left such a longing in Gray’s soul that he actually had to tear his eyes away. How many times had he been sitting next to Luke in the last week and wished he could touch him like that? Whether they were watching TV or sitting on their log by the creek, Gray always found himself wanting just a little more than just the quiet strength that Luke exuded.

“So yeah, I have cancer,” Gray finally said since neither man seemed capable of speech. “God, that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud,” he said softly as he bounced Emma on his knee.

Dane managed to recover first. “How long?”

“I was diagnosed a couple of months ago. Testicular cancer,” he added. “It’s spread but my doctors are hopeful that chemo will do the trick.”

“What can we do, Gray?” Jax asked. The question came as a surprise since he’d expected to get the third degree about not telling them sooner.

“I’m good right now, but I’ll let you know.” He shifted his gaze to Dane. “Thank you for what you did. Luke told me what you risked...I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten.”

“I’m glad he was there,” Dane said. “Dehydration can get really bad, really fast.”

Gray nodded. He had no doubt that Luke had likely saved his life because he’d been too out of it to realize the danger he’d been in.

“Do you need any more saline?” Dane asked.

“No, I don’t think so. I had a treatment a couple of days ago and the fluids helped me get back on my feet pretty quickly. Luke also found some foods and drinks that I can tolerate. I have one more treatment next week and I think he said you gave him enough to get me through that.”

“Do you need a ride to your treatment?” Jax asked.

Gray shook his head. “Luke is taking me.” It was something he and Luke had argued about especially since Luke had insisted on accompanying him into the hospital for the actual treatment. Even with the private room and limited staff treating him, Gray had still been on edge the entire time that someone would recognize Luke. Not that there’d be any reason that they would since Gray had been monitoring the headlines and hadn’t seen any stories about a man fitting Luke’s description. He’d been tempted on more than one occasion to do an Internet search on Luke’s name and Fort Benning where Luke was stationed to see what came up but it had been a line he just didn’t want to cross. He trusted Luke and wanted the man to trust him.

Gray shifted his eyes to Jax and said, “I owe you an apology.”

Jax was caught off guard by the statement.

“I never meant to come between you and Dane,” he said softly.

“Gray-” Dane began to say but he saw Jax tighten his hold on Dane’s hand and Dane fell silent.

“We’re good, Gray. Jealousy wasn’t a great color on me.”

He knew Jax was letting him off easy considering how he’d goaded the man on more than one occasion so he just nodded.

“So Luke is still staying with you?” Jax ventured, his unasked question clear as day.

“Just till he gets back on his feet. He’s kind of starting over,” Gray hedged. It was as close to the truth as he was going to be able to get. “We’re not…we’re not what I made you believe we were a couple of weeks ago. We’re just friends.”

He saw Dane and Jax look at each other briefly. “Gray, what I saw the other day when he came here wasn’t just about friendship,” Dane said.

Gray’s heart seized up but he quickly dismissed the wayward emotion. “He’s straight, Dane. He’s just a really good guy, that’s all.”

Dane looked like he wanted to say something else but Gray didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with arguing over something that just wasn’t going to happen. Even if by some miracle Luke’s interest in him did straddle the line between friendship and something else, what the hell did Gray have to offer? He was a shell of a man with an uncertain future. And that didn’t even factor in the reality of Luke’s situation.