Give Me a Reason (19 page)

“There wasn’t much to do, really. It’s all garbage except for
that lot,” Toni said, pointing to the chair. Inhaling deeply the aroma of
pepperoni and cheese rapidly filling the room, she said, “Pizza smells good.”

“Yes, it does,” Laura said, glancing around at what was left
of Toni’s belongings. “I was going to suggest we eat in here, but if you’d be
more comfortable in the kitchen, that works for me.”

Looking around, Toni shrugged. “In here’s fine.”

Surprised that Toni didn’t want to distance herself from the
boxes and bags that held Thornbridge memories, Laura said, “You’re really okay
with this, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Getting rid of your stuff.”

“Yeah, I think I am, but it means I’ll need to go shopping
again, and I’m not very comfortable with that.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Laura said, putting the pizza
box on the coffee table. “I’ll just grab some plates and napkins. Do you want
some wine or are you still nursing that beer?”

Picking up the bottle, Toni quickly chugged it down. “What
beer?”

***

“What are those?” Laura asked, pointing at a small pile of
old clothes neatly folded on a chair.

“I figured since we’ll be cleaning and painting, I’d keep a
few things around so I don’t ruin my newer clothes, not that I have a lot of
those to ruin.”

“Just to let you know, I had candles burning all day and
everything’s gone in there. All that’s left is the bed, dresser and
nightstand.”

“You didn’t have to get rid of the linens.”

“Sure I did. That room is going to be yours for as long as
you want it, so whatever memories you have while you stay here, I want to be
good ones. Besides, I always hated that damned duvet.”

“Oh, now I get it. You’re using me as an excuse to
redecorate!” Toni said, playing her mock outrage to the hilt.

“I’m thinking more along the lines of cheap labor.”

“Oi!”

Giggling, Laura relaxed into the sofa, pulling her legs under
her as she sipped her wine and gazed at the woman smiling back at her. “You
have a nice smile.”

Toni blushed slightly as she settled into the other corner of
the sofa. “So do you.”

“I’m sorry about pushing you so hard yesterday. I really
didn’t mean to upset you.”

“What? Are you saying that you don’t like women ripping their
clothes off in front of you?”

“Well, I have to admit that was definitely a first.”

“For me, too,” Toni whispered. “And I’m sorry you had to see
them.”

“They’re just scars, Toni, and you have nothing to be sorry
for.”

Feeling the slightest quiver of emotion beginning to start,
Toni blurted, “So, what’s the plan? For the room, I mean.”

“I thought we’d get up early and clean, and then go out and
pick up some paint.”

“I haven’t painted a room in forever. I’m not sure I remember
how.”

“Well, it’s your room, so if you fuck it up, just remember
you’re the one who has to live with it,” Laura said, her eyes squinting with
amusement.

Letting out a laugh, Toni said, “And as far as decorating
goes, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“That’s simple. What’s your favorite color?”

“Black.”

“Do you want to live in a cave?”

“Not particularly.”

“Then pick another.”

Thinking for a second, Toni said, “Blue.”

“There you go.”

“Doesn’t it matter to you that I could go pick out the most
atrocious blue there is? I mean, after all, this is your house.”

“Paint’s cheap enough, and besides, I don’t think you’ll do
that.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Just a feeling.”

Their eyes met, and for a second, Toni got lost in the ones
looking back at her. “Thank you for not asking any more questions tonight.”

“We’ve got all the time in the world to talk, and I know that
when you’re ready, you will.”

“May be a long wait,” Toni said quietly as she closed her
eyes and rested her head on the sofa.

“You as tired as you look?”

“Must be the wine.”

“How about I fix us some tea and then let you get some sleep.
You can use my bed if you’d like. I can use the couch,” Laura said as she got
to her feet.

“No, I’ll be fine here,” Toni said, patting the sofa.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“That light in the corner has a low bulb so if you’d like to
leave it on, feel free.”

“Thanks, I might just do that.”

“Oh, and if you need something to read, those books on the
desk match a few of yours that I boxed up.”

“You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?”

“I’m just trying to make you as comfortable as possible. I
know you don’t like change.”

“You’re right, I don’t, and I can’t promise you I won’t wig
out again,” Toni said quietly.

“Well, if you do, I put the paper bags in the pantry.”

“Now you tell me.”

Chapter Eighteen

The low wattage of a tiny bulb across the room provided just
enough light to see the shapes and shadows in the lounge as Toni lay awake,
telling herself that it was possible. Minutes ticked by as she thought about
colors and patterns, new clothes and pristine books…and about spending the
entire day with Laura.

They had spent afternoons over coffee and evenings over quiet
dinners, enjoying light conversations about safe subjects like the weather,
literature and work, and at first, that had been enough for Toni, but that was
changing. Ever so slowly, that was changing. Nerves had given way to a soft smile
and a Scottish lilt, anxieties squelched by a woman who needed no reason and
offered words of encouragement with nothing expected in return. But Toni wanted
to give back, and she had no idea why.

Her closest friend in the world hadn’t been able to extract
information about the hellish years at Thornbridge, but with Laura, Toni felt
compelled as if somehow this woman, this
stranger
would make things better...and she had. Speaking of the horrors of starvation
had eased Toni’s nervous stomach and now more than one portion could be
consumed before fear took hold. Not always, but it was a start.

Toni had been content in her life before Laura, complacent to
a point of hermitage, and it had suited her. She hadn’t wanted to know. She
hadn’t needed to discuss, and nothing and no one had held her interest. Krista
was all she had needed, her lifeline to the world, but suddenly the world was
getting bigger. Toni was becoming curious, intrigued by a woman with green eyes
and auburn hair, and she found herself thinking about that woman…a lot.

Around Laura’s home were framed photographs of friends and
family, and Toni wondered if those people knew just how special Laura MacLeod
was. Could they see past her beauty and brilliant emerald eyes? Had they
discovered how her smile seemed to take away fear, or how a lighthearted
comment could cause a grin to appear where tears had just traveled? Did they
have a clue?

Lying in the darkness, Toni’s thoughts moved to what tomorrow
would bring, and a nervous excitement took hold. She wanted to do this. She
wanted to spend the day with Laura, doing normal things and suddenly the idea
of congested sidewalks and crowded shops didn’t cause her heart to race. She
wanted to purchase blues like they were going out of style. She wanted new silks
against her skin, and new styles and smells. She
could
do this, and she went to sleep dreaming of things blue, of things new, and of
things Laura.

***

“Feeling better?”

“I
feel
like a bloody fool,”
Toni growled as she opened her eyes.

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“No? You think customers always run out of paint stores in a
panic?”

“I don’t know. Some of those colors were beyond hideous.”

Toni couldn’t help but chuckle, and then shaking her head,
she said, “How do you do that? How do you manage to make me laugh after I just
acted like a total nutcase?”

“Toni, you asked to leave the store, and I brought you out
here. I doubt anyone noticed, and if they did, so what?”

“Easy for you to say. You weren’t the one with a sack over
your face a minute ago.”

Smiling, Laura folded the bag, returned it to her purse and
pulled out the paint cards she had stuffed inside a few minutes earlier.
Handing them to Toni, she said, “Why don’t you take a look at these and pick
out a color you like. I’ll go back and get it, and then we can either go home
or go find some bedding. Your choice.”

Glancing at the strips, Toni said, “You really want to go
through that again? Department stores are much larger than the one we were just
in and my legs are longer than yours. You might not be able to catch me if I
take off running. I might not stop until I reach the Thames.”

“Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“It’s a habit.”

“Break it.”

“I’m trying.”

“Good, now pick out a color.”

Fanning out the cards, Toni perused the blues and finally
pointed to one. “I like this. It kind of reminds me of blueberries.”

“Blueberries?”

“Yeah, the color on the outside. The light hazy one.”

Looking one more time at the small swatch, Laura said, “You
know, you’re right, and I like it. Are you still planning on painting the trim
white?”

“Yeah, something bright to offset this.”

“All right,” Laura said as she took the card. “You going to
be okay out here while I do this?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll just lock the doors and take a kip.”

Laughing as she climbed out of the car, Laura said, “I have
no intention of being
that
long.”

***

Intentions were just that. Goals that you set for yourself to
complete a task in a timely manner or an orderly fashion, and while Toni’s
objective had been to go shopping that day, their first stop had almost become
their last.

By the time they reached the paint store, Toni was nervous
and not in a good way. Finally finding the courage to climb out of the car, she
stayed by Laura’s side and cautiously followed her into the store. It smelled
of paint and thinners, and with only a few customers roaming the aisles, she
strolled with Laura to a wall covered in paint chips, displaying hundreds, if
not thousands of colors. Moving to the rows of blues, they began scanning the
selections.

“See anything you like?” Laura said as she looked over her
shoulder, feeling like Toni was more a parrot than a person at that particular
moment.

“There're so many. I don’t know where to begin.”

“I always find it easiest if you just eliminate those you
can’t stand and then go from there.”

“Okay,” Toni said as she stepped around Laura to get closer
to the display. Running her finger down the cards, she stopped every so often
to remove one while leaving others behind. In a few minutes, she held a fan of
blue in her hand.

“Are we doing the trim in the same color?”

“No, I was thinking white. Why?”

“Well, if you’re going with white trim, you might want to
stick to darker blues, so there’s a contrast.”

“Good point,” Toni said, returning several strips to their
holders.

“Can I help you two ladies with anything?”

When Laura heard the masculine tone, she quickly glanced at
Toni and frowned. Toni’s posture had turned rigid and worry lines were now
creasing her forehead.

Turning to the store clerk, Laura grinned politely. “No,
we’re fine. Thank you. We’ll call you if we need you.”

“Okay, love, but if you need anything, anything at all, the
name’s Fred and I’ll be right over there,” he said, casually putting his hand
on Toni’s shoulder for a second before walking away.

Waiting until the clerk walked away, Laura whispered, “You
still with me?”

Swallowing hard, Toni shook her head. “Barely,” she said,
handing Laura the paint cards. “But I think I’d best get out of here before I
make a scene.”

***

Sitting alone in the car, Toni had a decision to make.
Crawling back into her shell and disappearing was tempting, but no longer easy.
Her appetite for life was returning, and the zest was sweet. The flavor was
erasing the foulness that had tainted her for so long, and the message it was
sending was clear.
Feed me life. Try again. You can
do this.

Opening her eyes, she saw a familiar face smiling in her
direction, and shoving her anxieties aside, Toni climbed out of the car.

“Least I can do is to carry those,” she said, taking the cans
from Laura’s hand.

“So what did you decide?” Laura asked, opening the boot and
dumping the supplies inside.

“I don’t think sleeping on a bare mattress is an option, is
it?”

“No, it’s not.”

Letting out a long breath, Toni shut the boot. “Well, I guess
that means you’d better make sure you keep that paper sack handy.”

“It’s right in here,” Laura said, patting her handbag.

***

It was one of the largest stores in the area, the bedding
department alone covering almost an entire floor. Riding the escalator up,
Laura kept her eye on Toni, and Toni kept hers on the customers milling about.

When they reached the second floor, even though Toni didn’t
say a word, Laura could sense her relief. The aisles were spacious, eliminating
the possibility of a stranger’s accidental touch, and the racks of shelving
were low enough for even Laura to see over. Noticing that the customers nearest
them seemed intent on their purchases, paying little if any attention to the
two women standing just off the escalator, Laura tugged on Toni’s sleeve, and
slowly they began to shop. Less than an hour later, they rode back down, their
hands filled with bags containing sheets, drapes, pillows, and one
scrumptiously soft quilt.

Their plans had included shopping for clothes, but the stores
were getting busy, and Laura knew Toni was on edge. After dropping their
packages into the boot of the car, Laura gave Toni the option on whether to go
home or continue.

Between the clothes she had purchased with Krista and those
she had kept of the old, Toni knew she’d have enough to make it through a week
without having to do laundry, so she almost asked to go home...almost.
Remembering the dire straits of the few undergarments she had remaining and
knowing that the socks inside her trainers were filled with holes, she sighed.
“Could we get lunch first?” she asked quietly. “Build up my strength, so to
speak.”

“That’s a great idea. I’m starving,” Laura said, looking up
at a signpost to get her bearings. “You know, there’s a small bistro up the
street. I’ve never been there before, but I’ve heard the food is good. We could
walk if you’d like, unless you prefer we drive?”

“How far is it?”

“If we walk? Less than ten minutes.”

As much as Toni would have preferred to drive, seeing Laura’s
smile made it impossible for Toni to suggest it. “Okay. Let’s go.”

“You sure?”

“No, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Yes?”

“That’s what they say.”

“I hope they’re right.”

***

The tiny bell over the door chimed as they walked inside, and
spotting a table in the corner, they went over and sat down. Scanning the menu,
by the time the waitress appeared, Laura wasted no time in placing their order.
A few minutes later, two rather large salads were placed on the table.

Leisurely crunching away, Laura asked, “Can I make an
observation?”

“Is there any way of stopping you?”

“You could always…what did you call it, wig out?”

“No, I’m not in the mood,” Toni said, popping an olive into
her mouth.

“Good to know. Actually, it’s not really an observation. It’s
more a question.”

“Okay.”

“I watched you today, and you seemed much more comfortable
when we were buying the linens than when we were picking out paint. I noticed
there were no men around in the bedding department, so I’m thinking it has
something to do with the fact that you probably trust women more than
men…because you’re a lesbian, I mean.”

Stopping mid-chew, Toni stared back at Laura. “How did you—”

“Kris told me ages ago.”

Pursing her lips, Toni took a moment to ponder Laura’s
question. “So along the same lines, you’re saying that you trust men more than
women because you’re heterosexual?”

As soon as the last word slipped from Toni’s lips, Laura felt
her cheeks redden. Hanging her head, she raised her eyes to meet Toni’s. “Is
that your way of politely telling me that I just asked a really stupid
question?”

“What do you think?”

“I think I just asked a really stupid question.”

“I’d have to agree.”

“Should I change the subject?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether you want to continue down the road of stupid or
not.”

Smiling, Laura snatched the check from the table. “Why don’t
I take care of this, and we can get out of here?”

Watching as Laura scampered away from the table with cheeks
still ablaze, Toni grinned. “Nice out.”

***

The sun had been replaced by the moon when Laura finally
awoke from her nap. Nestled in the corner of the sofa under a tartan throw, she
tried to decide if getting up was really necessary. The light coming from the
kitchen enabled her to see the bags still piled on the floor, put there a few
hours earlier by two women, one of whom was exhausted from shopping, and the
other, from stress.

By the time they returned to the store, the afternoon
shopping rush had begun, and they barely had enough time for Toni to find some
jeans, T-shirts and undergarments before her anxieties kicked in. Although they
managed to get through the check-out line without issue, after trekking through
the crowded store and down the busy sidewalk, Toni was gasping for air. In a
cold sweat, she sat in the passenger seat of Laura’s car, listening as Laura
calmly soothed her fears with words of encouragement until finally, she could
breathe again. Closing her eyes to the world, she reclined her seat and
listened to the sounds of the traffic as Laura drove her home.

It took three trips to the car to bring their purchases
inside, and after agreeing they could both use a short rest, Laura prepared
some tea, and they collapsed on the sofa together. Sitting in opposite corners,
they sipped their tea quietly, and before the liquid had a chance to cool, they
had both fallen asleep.

As Laura lay in the dimly lit lounge, she noticed a scent
hanging in the air, and sniffing again, she glanced over at Toni’s door. Seeing
light streaming out from underneath it, she tossed aside the throw and went to
investigate the smell of fresh paint. Slowly opening the bedroom door, she
squeezed her eyes shut to block out the brightness of the stark naked bulbs
from the overhead light, and when she finally opened them again, she saw Toni
rolling paint on the wall, her old red T-shirt now marred by streaks of blue.