Give Me a Reason (20 page)

“What are you doing?”

Turning toward the sleepy voice, Toni said, “I’m fairly
certain it’s called painting.”

“What time is it?”

“A bit after nine, I think.”

“Nine? What the hell are you doing painting at nine o’clock
at night?”

“I woke up a few hours ago and thought...why not.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Um...because you were sleeping.”

“You know what I mean. I could have helped.”

“You were exhausted.”

“So were you.”

“True, but I woke up feeling fine, and since I can’t put away
any of my clothes until this room is done, I broke open the cans.”

“Did you eat anything?”

“Not yet, but we have that pizza from last night. I thought
I’d just heat it up.”

“I’ll do it,” Laura said. “Beer or wine?”

“Beer would be good. Thanks.”

Trotting up the stairs, Laura changed her clothes, splashed
some water on her face and headed back down. Turning on the oven, she slid the
leftover pizza inside, grabbed two beers from the fridge and went back to
Toni’s room. “What can I do to help?” she asked, stepping inside.

“How about handing me that beer?” Toni said with a grin as
she put down the roller.

As she gave Toni the bottle, Laura looked around the room.
“Wow! This looks great.”

“Thanks. I figure I can finish the walls tonight and then do
the trim and the bathroom tomorrow.”

“We didn’t buy any paint for the bathroom.”

“I know, so we’ll have to go back out. I mean, if that’s
okay?”

“It’s fine, Toni,” Laura said, a smile spreading across her
face.

Noticing Laura’s expression, Toni asked, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re smiling like a bloody fool. Now come on, out with
it.”

“It just seems to me that you’re enjoying redecorating my
house.”

The grin faded from Toni’s face. “I’m sorry. I overstepped my
bounds.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I shouldn’t have started anything without first talking to
you.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Laura said, rolling her eyes. “Toni, we
both agreed that this was
your
room.
Remember?”

“Yeah, but—”

“And you’re giving me something to help cover bills and food,
aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, but—”

“So, that means you can do what you want in here.”

“It’s still your house.”

“Look, let’s make a deal, shall we? This is your space, and
in it you can do whatever you’d like. My bedroom is my space, and the same
thing goes. The lounge and kitchen are community areas, shared by both, so if
you want to read a book or cook a meal, feel free, and if I want to watch the
telly or burn a meal, I can. And if either of us wants to bring a
guest
home, the other will make herself scarce.
Agreed?”

“I don’t see that happening.”

“What? You don’t think I can pull?” Laura said, placing her
hands on her hips.

“I wasn’t talking about you.”

“Toni, trust me, there’ll come a time when you’ll want a
woman’s company again and when you do, I’ll sequester myself in my room, and
you won’t even know I’m here.”

“That part of my life is over, Laura,” Toni said flatly. “And
I know this arrangement won’t last forever, so when I start getting underfoot,
let me know, and I’ll ask Krista to find me another place to live.”

“That’s a bit cynical, don’t you think?”

Toni shrugged. “It’s just the way it is, and speaking of the
way it is, you do know that you’re burning the pizza, don’t you?”

Sniffing the air, Laura’s eyes widened. “Shit!” she said,
running out of the room.

Toni picked up the roller and turned back to the task at
hand, covering old paint with new and trying not to think about a life she’d
never have.

Chapter Nineteen

“I’ve missed you.”

“Really? I thought you’d like not having to babysit me
anymore.”

“I never
ever
considered it
babysitting, and you know it.”

“I know,” Toni said. “Speaking of babysitting, why aren’t you
at home taking care of Robin?”

“You couldn’t have possibly forgotten how whiny she gets when
she has a cold,” Krista said with a titter. “Besides, she told me to come over.
She knows how much I love your lasagna.”

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d remember how to make it, but
it didn’t turn out half bad,” Toni said, pushing away her plate. “Remind me
later and I’ll pack up some for you to take to her.”

“She’ll love you forever.”

As Toni began to clear the table, Krista pulled the cork from
the Chianti and refilled their glasses. Putting the bottle aside, she asked,
“So, where’s
your
other half?”

“Sorry?”

“Laura. You know, the woman you live with.”

“I rent a room from her, Krista. It’s not quite the same
thing.”

“Okay, fine, but where is she?”

“She had a date.”

“Oh yeah? Anyone I know?”

“You and Laura travel in the same circles, do you?”

Her face splitting into a grin, Krista said, “No, I guess we
don’t. But come on, who is he?”

“Well, if you must know, his name is Phillip Hoult, and he’s
a doctor.”

“A doctor? Laura’s okay, isn’t she?”

“Yes, she’s fine. A few weeks ago, one of the residents at
Calloway twisted her ankle and Laura drove her to the walk-in clinic.
Apparently, Hoult splits his time between there and the hospital, and they got
to talking. One thing led to the other...blah, blah, blah.”

“Is it serious?”

“I have absolutely no idea,” Toni said, shutting the
refrigerator. “She seems happy.”

“And how about you? Are you happy?”

“I’m getting there,” Toni said, starting the coffeemaker.
“I’ve got my own room and my books. That’s all I need.”

Before Krista could speak, her mobile rang, and excusing
herself, she disappeared into the lounge.

After tidying the kitchen, Toni placed a hefty portion of
lasagna on a plate, and she was just finishing wrapping it in foil when Kris
came back into the room.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut our night short.”

“Is Robin okay?”

“Yeah, but she feels absolutely awful and is requesting soup,
so I’m going to hit the market and head home. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Toni said, handing her the plate. “Take
this with you. There’s enough for both of you if you decide you want to share
it.”

Krista leaned over and kissed Toni on the cheek. “I’ll make
it up to you. I promise.”

“No worries, Krista. Go take care of Robin.”

***

It had been two weeks since Toni’s bedroom had been
redecorated, but when she went in and flicked on the light, she smiled as if
she’d never seen it before. Laura was right. The
new
had helped. Gone was the smell of musty books that had reminded her of an
apartment she couldn’t return to, and clothes long past their prime had been
replaced by ones crisp, their colors still true and vivid. Eyeing the small
pile of books neatly arranged on the dresser, Toni almost didn’t want to
disturb their newness. Although her recently purchased collection had yet to
grow beyond a dozen, their covers were glossy and unscratched, and their pages
had yet to curl from use.

Deciding that it didn’t matter which she chose because she
knew what each contained, Toni picked up the one on top of the stack and
returned to the lounge where her coffee was waiting. Taking a sip, she sat down
and propped her legs on the coffee table, but before she could open the book,
she heard the front door open.

“It’s me,” Laura shouted.

“You’re home early. Something wrong?” Toni asked when Laura
appeared in the doorway.

“No, Phillip got called back to the hospital, so he put me in
a taxi, and here I am,” Laura said, slipping out of her high heels. “Where’s
Kris?”

“Robin called and requested soup to help fend off her cold,
so she left a few minutes ago. You just missed her.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. There wouldn’t be any lasagna left,
would there?”

“Half a tray,” Toni said, placing her book on the end table.
“It’s still on the stove cooling down. Why don’t you go change, and I’ll fix
you a plate?”

“Thanks.” Grabbing her shoes, Laura ran up the stairs. “Be
right back.”

A few minutes later, wearing track pants and an oversized
jersey, Laura came into the kitchen. “Is there any wine open?”

Toni pointed at the glass on the counter filled with Chianti.
“I already poured you some, but I wasn’t sure whether you wanted to eat in here
or in the other room.”

“Lounge works for me,” Laura said, taking her wine and food
and disappearing through the doorway.

Tickled by Laura’s apparent need for sustenance, Toni poured
herself what remained of the Chianti and headed back to the lounge. Sitting
down, she tried her best to hide her amusement as she watched Laura devour her
dinner.

Noticing a glint of humor in Toni’s eyes, Laura asked,
“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Do I have tomato sauce on my face?”

“I doubt that it was quick enough to escape your mouth.”

Laughing, Laura put her plate to the side. “Sorry. I didn’t
have lunch.”

“I thought I was the only one with an eating disorder.”

“I’ve noticed you’re doing a bit better with that.”

“All depends on the day.”

“Why?”

“It’s a hard habit to break. I’m a trained dog, Laura. I was
taught to ration my food in preparation for days when there wouldn’t be any.
So, some days I manage to eat my lunch, and others, I can barely finish half of
it.”

“But at dinner, you’re fine.”

“That’s because I know you’re watching me,” Toni said with a
grin. “Honestly, I’m doing better than I was. Habits just take time to break.
And speaking of time, you seem to be spending a lot of time with your new
boyfriend. How’s that going?”

“It’s still early on, but it seems to be going okay, I
guess.”

“You guess?”

“I’ve not had a lot of luck in the boyfriend department in
recent years, so I’m a bit wary of moving too fast.”

“And he wants to?” Seeing Laura instantly blush, Toni said,
“Oh, I see.”

“It’s not that I’m a prude or anything, but I don’t see the
need to fall into bed with someone I barely know just because he’s a handsome
doctor.”

“A bit full of himself, is he?”

“Not really, but I get this feeling that he likes the title a
bit too much.”

“How so?”

“Like tonight,” Laura began, tucking her legs under her as she
sipped her wine. “He forgot to make a reservation, so when we got to the
restaurant we were going to have to wait in the queue, so he told the maître d’
that his name was
Dr
. Phillip Hoult.”

“Well, that is his name.”

“I know, but it was just the way he said it, like he wanted
preferential treatment because of it.”

“It could also be because he knew he was on-call and was
afraid he’d have to go back to work.”

“Are you defending him?”

“No. I’m simply saying that in this day and age, I would
think that a handsome doctor would be a good catch.”

“Who said I’m fishing?” Laura said with a huff.

Smiling, Toni said, “You’re in a mood tonight.”

“No, I’m not! I just don’t want to be pushed into a
relationship simply because he fits into the mold of what some people think
women want!”

“Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa
,” Toni
said, trying not to laugh. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Realizing that she’d been shouting, Laura sighed. “Sorry, but
for a minute there you sounded like my mother.”

“Well, by your reaction, I’m thinking that’s not a good
thing?”

“Toni, I love my mum, but sometimes it seems like she’s
pressuring me to get married and have kids. Like that’s what a woman needs to
be happy.”

“I think they call that old school.”

“Well, she needs to graduate!”

Laura had never seen Toni laugh—
really
laugh—until that moment, but watching her toss back her head and roar brought a
smile to Laura’s face. Waiting until Toni’s merriment subsided, Laura said,
“You have a nice laugh.”

“Thanks,” Toni said as she stood up and picked up the empty
plate. “I’m going to get some wine. Would you like some more?”

“Yes, please.”

Returning a few minutes later with a freshly opened bottle,
Toni filled Laura’s glass and settled back into her corner of the sofa.

“Can I ask you a question?” Laura said as she sipped her
wine.

“I’ve yet to figure out a way to stop you, so go ahead,” Toni
said with a chuckle.

“What did you mean when you said that part of your life was
over?”

“Huh?”

“That night, when you were painting your room. I was talking
about you bringing a woman home, and you said that part of your life was over.
Why’d you say that?”

“Because it’s the truth.”

“Just like that.”

“Yep.”

“Don’t you ever think about it?”

“What?”

“Sex.”

Stopping for a moment, Toni took a sip of wine. Quietly, she
said, “No, I don’t.”

“Really?”

“Why do you find that so surprising?”

“Well, for one thing, you’re young and attractive,
intelligent and—”

“Don’t forget my finer features. Let’s see...afraid of crowds
and strangers and of course, there’s the little issue about being touched.”

“But that can change.”

“I don’t ever see it happening.”

“Why?”

Abruptly, Toni stood up and emptied her glass in one swallow.
“Refill that, will you? I need to use the loo.”

Going into her bathroom, Toni shut the door, and leaning
against it, her hands turned into fists. Why couldn’t Laura let it go? Why did
she need to know answers to things better left unspoken? Yes, talking about the
food had helped, but this wasn’t about hunger. This was about pain. This was
about depravity and scars and pain. Closing her eyes, Toni tried to keep her
annoyance at bay, but with every breath she took, it grew. Laura wasn’t going
to let go, and Toni knew it. If it wasn’t tonight, then it would be another
night. If it wasn’t
this
question, then it
would be another...and then another. Shaking her head, Toni opened her eyes. It
was time to get off the carousel and give Laura answers to a few questions.
Maybe then she wouldn’t ask any more.

Returning to the lounge a few minutes later, Toni sat down,
picked up her wine and nearly drained the glass.

“Are you trying to get pissed?” Laura asked.

“No,” Toni said, holding out her glass for a refill.

Scrutinizing the woman as she topped off her glass, Laura
asked, “What’s going on?”

“Liquid courage.”

“What?”

“False bravado. Alcohol makes you feel invincible, or so I’ve
read.”

“Why do you need to feel like that?”

“Because I’m about to answer your goddamn questions.”

If it wasn’t for the words she had just heard, Laura would
have reprimanded Toni when she saw her pull a pack of cigarettes out of her
pocket. They both had agreed that Toni wouldn’t smoke anywhere but in her own
room, but as Laura watched her light the cigarette and pull the smoke into her
lungs, she decided not to argue the point. Grabbing an empty candy dish from
the end table, she placed it in front of Toni.

Taking another drag, Toni followed it with a gulp of wine and
then turned to look at Laura. “That’s the way I used to be,” she said, her
voice low and steady. “Invincible. I wasn’t afraid of anything...not anything.
I could walk into a crowded auditorium, stand on the stage and face hundreds of
people, and my blood pressure wouldn’t raise a notch. Not one fucking notch.
I’d go places I’d never been without giving it a second thought, and I’d shop
in the finest stores, eat at the fanciest restaurants and dance in the loudest
clubs this country has to offer without a care in the world. And I was
educated. I was smart. I was too smart.

“They say that a good education is what you need to make it
in this world, but mine almost killed me. Because with that intelligence, with
that learned background of mine, when I walked into Thornbridge, I walked in
with the confidence that I could handle anything...
anything
that came along. But I was wrong. Confidence to a Thornbridge screw was like
catnip to a cat.”

Stopping to pull more nicotine into her lungs, Toni tried to
decide what Laura needed to know and what she didn’t, but Toni’s mind was a
jumble, so as thoughts entered, she spoke them as if she was reading them from
a book. “I was in Sutton Hall long enough to learn the rules, but Thornbridge
had its own set, and it didn’t take me long to realize that Sutton Hall was
five-star compared to that hole in the north of this country. Sutton was
relatively new, so the cells were modern and clean, but Thornbridge was over a
century old. The cells were cramped and dank, and the mattresses were ghastly.
They were barely an inch thick and stained with God knows what. They smelled
like death...or something far worse. The plumbing was horrid, and the stench of
human waste hung in the air like a shroud. And it was cold. It was
so
fucking cold.

“Each cell had a window no bigger than a shoe box. I remember
thinking how stupid it was that they actually put bars in front of them. Like
somehow we could slip through something that small and get away. Most of the
glass was broken, and the cracks were covered over with tape. In the summer
when the sun was high, it was like looking through a kaleidoscope. But in the
winter...in the winter you’d have to stuff as much clothing as you dared into
that space to try to keep the cold from coming in, but it always found a way.
It was like it just snaked its way through the mortar.”