Hard to Love (25 page)

Obviously.
I nodded.

“Ah, end of April, I think.”

“Well
,
I’m sorry about my reaction…it just took me by surprise.” I’d apologi
ze
for my public anxiety attack, but I drew the line at offering up my congratulations or breaking out the champagne.

Cade studied my features wearily
and scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck
. “
D
amn, cupcake, the baby’s not mine.”

Chapter 21

Cade

The little sobs that were still wracking her chest made me feel like
a complete asshole
.
Alexa had broken down at the mere sight of me
.
But
thinking
I’d gotten one of my co-stars pregnant
on top of that
?
Damn, I was just fucking up left and right. I needed to explain this to her, to get this right once and for all.

I took her hand in mine. “
Sara’s
boyfriend is the father.
I only met up with her because s
he wanted my opinion about how I left the adult film business. Despite the fact that she’s pregnant, Rick’s still b
e
e
n
harassing her about working for him.”

“Wait.” She pulled her hand away suddenly, her face scrunching up. “The baby’s not yours?”

“No. Not mine.”
Thank fucking God. I knew I wasn’t ready to bring a kid into this world.
I had my hands full enough with Lil already. But
the
idea of
watching Alexa’s belly grow
bigger with my baby…
Well,
that was a different story. I pushed the thought away.

“Oh.” Her shoulders sagged in relief. “And…you left the business?”

“Yes. I never intended to be a porn star,
Lex
. I just had thousands of dollars in medical bills for Lily that I had no way of paying. I needed to make some fast money.” 
I wanted to tell her that was my plan all along and if she’d just let me explain myself that morning… but I bit my tongue
.
I hadn’t even tried to stop her
the
morning
that she left
. And I’d regretted that every damn day since.

She closed her eyes
and drew in a shaky breath. “Oh,
”
she said again.

Though I knew I shouldn’t, that it was none of my fucking business, I couldn’t get that prick she’d been on a date with out of my head. “
Lex
…” I inched closer to her on the couch
, dropping my voice lower,
“that guy…Peter…has he touched you?”

Her eyes snapped open and met mine. “Do you know what you’re saying?
” A tense silence hung in the air around us.
“
We’re dating, as in me and him. Not me and you. You don’t get a say in who touches me.”

All right then. I guess that cleared that up. I’d fucked up royally with her.
But the thought of someone else’s hand on her mad
e
me want to hit something.
Hard.
“
For what it’s worth, I am sorry about everything. Well
,
not everything
.
I wouldn’t take back that night with you
,
”
I admitted.

Her body went rigid. “You’re an asshole, you know that?” She stood and paced in front of the couch, seeming to draw strength from her anger
—
an anger that was currently being directed at me. “If you needed money for Lily, all you had to do was ask.”

“Out of the question.”
I shook my head. I didn’t take handouts.
Plain and simple.
 
It was a promise I made myself when I took custody of Lily rather than having her end up in foster care. I would take full responsibility for her.
End of story.

Alexa spun towards me, her hands landing o
n her hips. “The fact that you c
ould betray me that way
—
by sleeping with another woman rather than put your macho
ego aside and ask for the money…” She wiped away the tears that had escaped the corners of her eyes. “I can’t forgive that…I can’t get over it. I’m sorry.”

“I am
,
too.” I stood and kissed her forehead, before disappearing through the front door.

Fuck!
The curse ripped through my chest as I peeled out of her complex. I slammed my hand a
gainst my dash, cursing as I accelerated
toward home.

After driving around aimlessly until
I got my heart rate
under control, I was surprised to
see an hour had passed.
Being with her today, watching her break down,
I knew
there was no
way in fuck I could walk away and forget her.
I’d wanted to hold her, wipe away her tears,
kiss
away her sobs. But she wasn’t mine anymore. And that realization was like a punch to the gut.
Fuck it. I was not giving her up this easily.

Just the thought of going back home
without her
, back to my
empty
life,
and waking up to an empty bed every morning
… No. I wouldn’t settle. Not this time. I wanted to see her lift Lily onto her hip again,
make
her giggle the way she had before.
Maybe I wasn’t worthy of her love
, but I was just selfish enough to try.

I made a quick phone call, asking
Sophia
if
she
would
n’t
mind staying with Lily
a little longer
. Hell, what I was about to do could take five minutes or all night if I had my way. I told Lily I loved her and to listen to Sophia.

“Love you,
Caden
!” her little voice rang in my ear.

“Love you too, baby girl.” Lily’s faith in me calmed me
more than a little bit
, and I pulled a U-turn, anxious to get back to
Lex
.

I knocked at the door I had fled from just over an hour ago, but this time, my nerves were
crackling
. She’d made it clear she was no longer interested, but her tears told me there was more to it. She was still hurting, so maybe I still had a chance.

“Go away,
Kenz
!” A
l
exa’s muffled voice call
ed
from inside. “Vodka won’t fix me this time.”

I knocked again. “It’s Cade.”

The door flew open. “Cade?” She swayed on her feet and I reached out to steady her, gripping her upper arms.
I couldn’t seem to stop touching her, even though she practically winced each time I did so.

“Whoa. I’ve got you.” I needed to get my shit together, to find the
right
words to make her understand. But I’
d
never been good at romantic speeches, and I doubted that was
going
to change now.
I’d just have to
find
a
way
,
without words,
to show her.

The sweet scent of her skin and her hazy blue
eyes
sent a streak of desire
straight
down my spine.

Fuuuck
.

Chapter 22

Alexa

“Cade? What are you doing here?”
I
stepped back, out of
his
grasp. “I called MacKenzie after you left and thought it was her coming to…come over.” I’d been about to say cheer me up, but doing so would have implied I was a complete wreck. I didn’t want to give him that kind of power over me.

“Can I come in
?”

My brain had apparently taken a leave of absence, because I stepped back, allowing him
to enter
.
His
musky scent washed over me, and I wanted nothing more than to bury my face in his neck and inhale.
No, Alexa. No
.
Crap, maybe the three
vodka
shots I’d slammed in quick succession after he’d left hadn’t been such a good idea.
My hands were already shaking and I was struggling to remain upright.

I retreated into the kitchen and downed one more shot for good measure, before
Cade entered the kitchen behind me. He
recapp
ed
the bottle
of vodka and placed
it back inside the freezer.

“Enough,” he said roughly, his warm breath brushing over the back of my neck.

I leaned back against the kitchen island, his looming presence holding me captive. “Why’d you come back?” I’d been hoping to sound suspicious, hardened, but instead my voice gave away my desperate and intoxicated state.
Damn
.

“Are you drunk?” He reached out and toyed with a lock of my hair. “I was only gone an hour.”
His hand brushed my cheek, lingering for just a moment.

I lifted my chin and
smirked up at him
. “No comment.” He’d soon realize
what a mess I was
, regardless
. Seeing him with
Sara
and thinking he had moved on… God, it had crushed me. Even finding out that he wasn’t the baby’s father hadn’t
eased
my min
d. It
wasn’t as though
he
was asking for me back…was he? And what would I say if he did?

I needed to be strong. And in my buzzed state,
w
ith Cade’s masculine deliciousness standing in my kitchen,
it
was going to take
a
friggin
’
miracle.

I placed my hands on my hips. “Why
are you here, Cade?
”

His gaze collided with mine.
“You.”

My throat tightened and I gripped the counter for support. Cade said nothing further and made no move toward me. He just continued watching me, his
eyes growing dark
with desire.
The anticipation sent my heartbeat thudding erratically in my chest.

Surely he knew this wasn’t fair.
It would be beyond unfair
to seduce me right now, when I was vulnerable and needy for his touch. I wanted so much more, but even before I processed it, I knew I would
freely and willingly
give him
anything he wanted
.
Even
knowing that
my heart would surely shrivel up and disintegrate once and for all when he left me this time
around
.

He stepped in closer, as if testing the waters
,
and when I made no move to stop him, and in fact angled my body to
ward
his, he closed the rest of the distance between us and hauled me up against
him
.

I sagged in relief.
I’d missed this.
The
hard
planes of his chest, his firm thighs pressing against
mine
in that familiar way
. I’d missed
him
and at this point, I was desperate enough to take whatever I could get.
M
y
heart jumped into action, pounding against my ribs and my brain warred with my body. Could I handle the consequences of another night with Cade?
He leaned down and planted a tender kiss on my jaw, just below my earlobe.

My heart said no, while my body screamed yes. Maybe i
f I
purposely,
knowingly chose this, if I was using
him
this time around
…
the
loss wouldn’t hurt as much.  I steeled my nerves to take what I needed from him…one last time.
I needed to be the one in control.

I captured his mouth in a crushing kiss, parting his
lips with my tongue and
eagerly
swirling my tongue with his.

His hands came up to cup my jaw, tilting my head to deepen the kiss. While his hands tangled in my hair
and
caressed my cheek, I didn’t allow myself
to feel
the tenderness of the moment, and instead took charge, unbuttoning his jeans and working my hand inside. His cock
stiffened
under my
none-too-gentle ministrations and once he was fully hard, I broke away from the kiss and dropped to my knees in front of him.