Hard to Love (22 page)

He needed to cut the sweet nicknames out.
Right fucking now
.
“This spray you snuck in my purse.”

“It’s just mace. I didn’t want to worry about you alone and helpless on your own. Consider it a gift.”

I sucked in a deep breath.
“Well for your information, I already have mace.
My dad gave me a canister of it a few years ago. It’s somewhere in my kitchen. And I’m not alone. I’ve started seeing Peter again.” Or at least I would,
when I returned his phone call
.

Cade hesitated a moment, the silence erecting a wall between us.
“
That was fast. Good for you. But your mace isn’t going to be much of a help stuck inside some drawer and if it’s a
few years old, it’s probably expired. Besides, the one I got you is the best one on the market. Keep it in your purse, cupcake.”

I rolled my eyes
and
jammed the canister back inside my purse.
Bringing up Peter’s name didn’t have quite the response I’d hoped for.
“I’ve
gotta
go.” I hit
E
nd on my cell, but not before I heard his rich chuckle vibrate through the speaker.
Bastard
.

I buried my
face
in my hands
, fighting back tears
. God, getting over Cade was going to be
so much
harder than I ever imagined.

The next morning, a pounding headache and the ache of hear
ing
his voice
were my only reminders of last night’s activities. I’d been stupid to call him
, but i
t obviously didn’t change anything between us.
T
hen again, what had I expected to happen
?
F
or him to beg for me to come back?
Not likely. But now that I had opened up contact, I couldn’t get my mind off Cade no matter what I tried. A long jog around my neighborhood with music blasting loud enough to jar all thoughts from my skull
followed by
a long hot shower, and then treating myself to my favorite sushi place for lunch. None of it worked. When I got home from my lunch date for one, I was even more down than I was before. Maybe there would always be some strange connection to Cade
I would always feel
because he was the first guy I really cared about, and the guy I gave my virginity to. Maybe I’d just need to get used to living with the ever-present achy feeling in my chest.  God, what a depressing thought.

I picked up my phone and called Peter, reluctantly agreeing to another date just to get my mind off Cade, and then flopped back against my couch.

My laptop sitting next to me gave me an idea.
A very,
very
bad idea.

I clicked a link titled Sebastian and Britney. As I waited for the video to load, butterflies took flight inside my stomach.

The girl was pretty. She looked sweet and normal.
I watched Cade’s latest video—the one he’d probably made
after waking up in bed with me—
w
ith tears streaming down my cheeks
.
What he did
wasn’t a simple screw
up. It was an unforgiveable mistake that was on the Internet
for everyone and the
ir
brother to see. And there could be no denying it was him, especially with such a unique tattoo crawling up his shoulder.

I watched in horror as he placed her in the center of the bed and began kissing her. When he moved between her thighs to taste her, my stomach knotted and I forced my eyes closed. I knew it was a bad idea to watch this, to see i
t
with my own eyes, knowing it would likely be burned into my brain forever, but somehow I couldn’t stop. I fast forwarded the video until they were fully
intertwined,
needing to see if his love-making with her was anything like it was with me. 

What I saw made my jaw hit the floor. H
is
strokes into her were hard and fast.
He’d been holding part of himself back with me, that much was clear.
I couldn’t believe that at one time watching Cade’s video had turned me on
—
now it just pissed me off.
The close
-
up of him sliding in and out of her almost made me vomit. I slammed my laptop closed and ran
from the room
. I collapsed i
n a heap in the center of
my bed and sobbed, hugging a pillow to my chest, begging the pain to go away. But all I saw when I closed my eyes was Cade’s
lustful
expression as he drove into her.

*****

“Oh, hell no.
I will cut a bitch.” MacKenzie sauntered across the bar to where a group of girls were climbing onto the barstools we’d been waiting twenty minutes to occupy.

“
It’s
fine,
Kenz
.” I gripped her elbow, pulling her back from the scene she was about to create. “We’ll find another table.”
Or we could just go home.
After the second week of my moping, MacKenzie
and
Ty decided to host an intervention. It began with some pre-d
r
inks at my apartment, and
had moved on to
some crowded bar.

“No. We need to find a table near the pool tables.”

I had no idea what was up with her insistence
—
none of us played pool. “Those people are leaving.” I pointed across the room.

“Sweet!”
MacKenzie practically sprinted, elbowing people out of her way as she crossed the room.

Jeez. I d
idn’t
know what had gotten into her, but Tyson and I dutifully followed. I climbed up on the stool and placed my purse on the tabletop. It felt good to give my feet a break. Why I’d decided to wear heels tonight was beyond me, especially when all I felt like doing was lying in bed in my pajamas. After ordering another round of drinks, Tyson let out a groan.

“What now?” I turned
in
the direction he was looking, but his hands gripp
ed
either side of my face
,
stopp
ing
me.

“No,
Lex
. Don’t look.”

What in the world?

I removed his hands from my face and spun in the direction he and MacKenzie were both staring.

Oh.

Cade was here.

A mix of emotions rushed through me at the sight of
him
—
everything from anger, to resentment, to desire. Damn traitorous body.

Cade and a male friend were racking a set of balls in the center of
one of the
pool table
s
and keeping up an easy banter between them.

I hated that his presence alone had the power stop my breathing and send my heart lurching in my chest, like my body knew we were sharing the same oxygen and was rebelling
against the idea
.

Cade was laughing, but when he looked up and caught my eyes his smile fell. I wondered if he’d come over and talk to me, and
then
wondered
how I would feel
if he didn’t.
He said something to his friend,
whose
gaze cut to mine. He cracked the slightest smile, as if in understanding
,
and shoved Cade in
my
direction.
Refusing to budge, Cade remained planted near the pool table, his eyes looking anywhere but at me.

MacKenzie, smiling confidently, straightened in her chair. “Now everyone, let’s not freak out.
So Cade’s here
.
He happens to be at the same bar as us. It’s no big deal.”

“You little sneak! You didn’t!”
MacKenzie’s
utter lack of surprise at seeing Cade tipped me off. She’d set this up.

Tyson glanced anxiously between us, unaware
of
what he had missed.

“It wasn’t your place to interfere. God, did you tell him I wanted to see him?” I buried my face in my hands.

MacKenzie leaned closer, placing her hand on my arm.
“Of course not.
Listen, you need to man up. I just told him we’d be here tonight, and if he wanted to see you, if he still had any feelings for you at all, he should show up around nine in the billiards room.”

“You idiot,
Kenz
.
It doesn’t work this way. I need my distance…” Hell
,
I needed to never think of him again, not that that was working. 

Ty patted my back. I knew this was all
MacKenzie’s
doing, so I couldn’t be mad at him.
“Fine.
He’s here. Then I’m leaving.” I grabbed for my purse.

“No
,
Lex
. If you leave, it’ll be like announcing that you can’t handle being around him.”

“I can’t. That’s the point.”

She gave my hand a squeeze. “He doesn’t need to know that. Don’t let him drive you away. Don’t let him win. You’re stronger than that.”

I sighed and set my purse back down.
“Fine.
Then I’m getting intoxicated.”

“Now that I can work with.”
MacKenzie smiled and signaled the waitress for
a round of shots to go with our other drinks
.

After several rounds of drinks and watching Cade from the corner of my eye, I noticed he was approaching our table.

Oh crap. Act normal, act normal!

Ty fixed a hand on my forearm. “Don’t
,
Lex
.
Not again, not with him.”
His eyes plead
ed
with m
e
.

Cade sauntered up, offered a friendly nod to MacKenzie
, narrowed his
eyes
at
Tyson,
then
turned his gaze on me.

“Maybe we should give you guys a minute to talk,” MacKenzie
squeaked
, rising from her barstool and shooting Ty a
let’s go
look. “I’ll go keep your sexy friend company.” She glanced in the direction of
Cade’s
dark-haired, muscular
-
as
-
hell friend standing alone at the pool table, drinking a beer. “What’s his name?”

“
Ian
,” Cade answered, his eyes not wavering from mine. Once my friends had all but deserted me, Cade moved in a step closer. “How have you been?” He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck.

That was a dumb question. But I wasn’t about to admit how I’d fallen apart over our split.
“Fine.
You?”

His eyes narrowed, searching mine. I knew he could see right through my hollow answers, but I didn’t care.  I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of
letting him know
how much I missed him. “I’ve been better,” he admitted.

I shook my
head
, surprising myself by laughing
.
T
he giggle bubbl
ed
up from my throat and escap
ed,
despite my intentions to play things cool. “You’re a piece of work, you know that? Sex means something to me. It might not to you, but…” I waved him away. “Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.”

He caught my wrist and held it. “Let me explain something to you, cupcake.” He’d never pronounced my nickname with such venom, and I hated to admit that it stung. He leaned in closer to my face, just inches
away
from me. “Sex for money has no emotion. It’s like being at work
—
it’s hard, you’re tired, sweaty, you just want to finish
,
but you can’t. You have to keep faking the whole fucking act until some
asswipe
director tells you to come.
On command.
You try doing that with lighting techs shining bright lights in your face, and a sound guy with beer belly holding a microphone over you while sporting a fucking erection
—
it’s not all that much fun. Believe me. I’m sure as shit not proud of it. But you know I’d do anything for that little girl.”

“Lily? What does that have to do with Lily? If you’re twisted enough turn this into some chivalrous act to protect your little sister, you’re more deranged than I thought.” He still had
my wrist in his grip
, and I pulled it away from him. “Let me go,” I ground out through gritted teeth. I slid from my
stool
and escaped to the bathroom.