Hard to Love (23 page)

Chapter 19

Cade

Damn, just the sight of her and my resolve was weakening. I was two seconds away from dragging her off caveman
-
style to make her tell me what was on her mind when she cut out on me.

Alexa’s genuine surprise at seeing me told me that MacKenzie had lied. Dammit. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for that shit about Alexa being miserable without me. She didn’t look miserable
,
s
he looked gorgeous
.
S
o much so it was like a kick to the gut, ripping the air form my lungs. But hearing the bitterness in her words, seeing the
g
laring anger in her eyes was like a stark warning to stay the fuck away from her. Too bad I couldn’t.

Her absence left an aching hole
in me
and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. Now if I could just think of a way to convince her that I worth her time. But getting her to trust me again? The death glare she shot me in the bar told me I was going to have an uphill battle. But she was worth it. She was everything. Damn, I sounded like some lovesick fool.

As I watched her disappear into the restroom, my mind briefly registered that her jeans were low enough to expose a toned strip of lower back, and
the fabric
hugged the curves of her ass.  Hell, lesser men would have buckled by now.

I stalked off to the restroom after her.
I reminded myself that she’d be
en
the one to storm off that morning
—
I doubted anything I could have said would have made a difference, but tonight she was running again and I had to try.

I pushed open the door to the ladies
’
room to find it empty. But I could hear soft sobs coming from the stall at the end
of the row
.

“
Lexa
?”
I tapped softly on the door. “Can we start over? Talk about that morning you left?”

She sniffed. “There’s nothing to
talk about, Cade. The damage i
s done.”

My shoulders sagged.
Could this thing between us really be damaged beyond repair? God, I hoped not.

A group of girls pushed their way inside the restroom, giggling and chattering. “Hey, you can’t be in here,” one of them called. “You have two seconds to get out.”

I knocked on Alexa’s door more insistently. “Come on, let me in.”

Silence.

“Cupcake?”
I pled, my voice softening.

The lock turned. I didn’t wait for her to open the door
.
I pushed it
aside
and was suddenly face
-
to
-
face with her in the tiny stall. The dark circles beneath her eyes told me she might not be faring as well as she was letting on. I traced a single fingertip over the hollow
under her eye
. “You sure you’ve been okay?”

She swallowed, stiffening under my touch. “I can’t do this again, I’m sorry.”

“I am too.” I cupped her jaw, leaning closer to place a soft kiss against her mouth.

She let out a tiny whimper, and a pulse of desire shot straight down my spine. God
,
why did I have to fuck up with her? She was perfect. She hadn’t yet pushed me away so I leaned in again and met her mouth, this time parting her lips to taste her. My tongue sought hers out, not
satisfied
until she returned my kiss. She might have been mad at me, but her body still responded like I remembered
—
sensual and needy. Fuck, I was already hard. I pushed my hips into hers, pinning her against the wall and brushed my erection up against her belly.

She brought her hands to my chest and pushed me back. “I can’t.” Her voice was weak, but her eyes were determined.

I wanted to push her,
and knew
I
probably
could. But she’d
probably hate me even more in the morning if I did that. “What can I do?” I asked.

“There’s nothing you can do.” She stepped around me and left the stall, leaving me rock hard and sorely disappointed at the sight of her walking away from me yet again.

*****

Why my bed suddenly felt so cold and empty without Alexa was beyond me. I normally had no trouble sleeping,
typically
falling exhausted into bed
each night
and sleeping soundly
until morning. Now I la
y
in bed,
watch
ing
the blades of my ceiling fan turn, wonder
ing
if I’d done the right thing letting
her
walk away. I didn’t know if she would have listened if I’d tried to stop her. And hell, putting myself in her shoes
,
I would not be okay with her shooting porn.

Since Alexa had been gone
,
food had lost its flavor
.
D
ays blended into weeks
.
A
nd
i
t felt like I couldn’t do a single thing right when it came to Lily anymore.
I had no idea w
hat was so difficult about making meatballs, but Lily
made sure to point out
I was doing it wrong
—
that
this wasn’t how
Lexa
did it
—
with that, and with other things too.

My one attempt at letting Alexa know I was still thinking of her was met with silence. The idea struck me when I’d passed by that bakery she and Lily liked. I’d
bought
a single white cupcake topped with a thick layer of pink frosting and I
’d
had
it gift wrapped
and delivered to her. The card had simply
read
I miss you
,
cupcake
.

My house felt empty and cold without her in it. Lily noticed it too, I know she did, but we both forged on, despite the crushing weight of Alexa’s loss.
I alternated my time between work and the gym, needing an escape from my own house after Lily went to bed. The memories of sitting with Alexa after putting Lily to bed were too
much
. I could barely look at my damn couch without remembering all the naughty things I’d done to her in that very
spot
.

The mindless activity of pushing my muscles to the limit
dispelled
the swirling thoughts of her, if on
l
y for a little while. As soon as I was alone in the quiet shower after
my workout
, she was right back there with me in my mind.
The sweet scent of
her, her big blue eyes,
her
mischievous crooked smile.
My cupcake.
 

I let the hard spray of water beat down my back, and grabbed the bar of soap. I washed my
chest
, under my arms,
and
my
stomach
,
before m
y
hands trailed lower. With thoughts of Alexa occupying my brain, my cock jumped to life.
Don’t do it, man,
I warned. I didn’t want to jerk myself off to the memory of her slipping down on her knees and flicking her wicked little tongue out to taste me before sucking me deep into the cavern of her warm mouth. The memory was too much.
But I couldn’t help it. I pictured her sweet face, that full mouth and the way she whimpered whenever I
uttered a dirty endearment to her.
My
soapy hand found my shaft and
began pumping.
Hard and fast, needing release from the haunting memories of her.
I leaned one hand against the shower wall, the spray of water
pounding against my spine,
and closed my eyes.
“
Lex
,”
I whispered
as
the
hot jets erupted
from me and fell
to the tiled floor.

Chapter 20

Alexa

The fall passed
by quickly and by the first snowfall in December, my heart had begun to heal, thou
gh I knew I’
d never forget Cade.
Or Lily
,
for that matter.
I still missed them
both
terribly, but my pride wouldn’t let me contact him.
He’d made his
choice
. In some
aspects
, it was the same pattern
as
how I grew up. My dad chose work over me and my mom too many times to count. Only with Cade’s job, the betrayal was that much more devastating.

Over the past few weeks, I’d
somehow fallen into the routine of
actively dating Peter.
Maybe it was because he was easy to be around and
alleviated
the feeling of being
alone,
or
maybe
because it made my mother so ridiculously happy, but whatever the reason, I was now going out with him several times a week.
He’d taken me horseback riding
and
out for casual brunches and
fancier
dinners. He’d even come to a Sunday dinner at the club at my mother’s insistence.

I spent the Christmas holiday in Aspen with my parents, skiing, eating too much and visiting the spa. It was a nice holiday, but of course, even there
—
halfway a
cross
the country
—
I couldn’t keep m
y
thoughts from Cade and Lily.
Especially
after he sent me a cupcake along with a note that stated he missed me only a few days before I left.
I spent the first
several
days in Aspen glued to my cell
phone,
sure he was going to call. But the call never came. Perh
aps the holidays and first snow
fall
of the year
had made him
sentimental, that
was all.
Yet
I found myself lying in bed awake at night, wondering if I should have sent
Lily
a gift for Christmas, or if Cade cooked them Christmas dinner
. For some reason, it
depressed me
to think of the two of them sitting around his small kitchen table with a meal
of
scrambled eggs and chicken wings.
I wondered if they liked lobster, which
was
what my
parents
and I
had. It didn’t matter. I needed to get them out of my head.
When I returned from Aspen,
I
would
thr
o
w myself back into my
regular
routine, including seeing Peter
again
.

*****

My first Saturday back from Aspen, Peter
had arranged for us to see
a
matinee
performance of
T
he
Nutcracker
and was
due any minute
to pick me up
.

I dressed in a merlot-colored sweater dress, heather
-
gray tights and my brown knee
-
high boots, leaving my hair down around my shoulders.
I watched from the front window for
Peter
’s car.
I
usually
jogged out to meet him at the
curb
, since
I preferred not to have him alone in my
apartment
. Though I liked spending time with him, I wasn’t ready to go anywhere near the physical side of things again, with him or anyone.
But so far, Peter had been very patient, settling for quick goodnight pecks in his car when he dropped me off.

I slid into his Lexus, and he leaned across the console and gave my cheek a quick kiss. “You look nice. How was Aspen?”

“It was nice. Lots of time on the slopes with my dad and lots of spa time with my mom.” I left it at that
.
I
t felt a little strange to talk to Peter about m
y
pare
nts since he worked for my dad, but he didn’t press for details. He
was dressed in a chunky
knit
sweater, and I couldn’t help but snicker. It was
n’t
the kind of thing
a
man would pick out and had to be a Christmas gift from his mom.
I settled back in my seat and tried to relax, to just enjoy the day for what it was.
I still hadn’t gotten
used
to his car’s new
-
car smell. It overwhelmed my senses, like he was pumping it in
through
the vents.