Healing Faith (15 page)

I crested the hill and immediately caught sight of
Nathan, the black hat a striking beacon as I watched him pulling
bundles of hay off of a wagon and toss it near the entrance to his
barn. He held strange metal hooks in his hands that grabbed at the
tight bundles, allowing him to grip them easier before hauling them
off the wagon and through the air. He seemed to toss them
effortlessly, his arms never seeming to tire, even with the weight
of the bundles and the heat of the morning, already causing the
sweat to stain his clean shirt along his back. As always, I noticed
just how elegantly he moved as he twisted and tossed, his lean form
reminding me of how hard he worked, all alone here on his farm.

He noticed me as I neared, tossing one last bundle of
hay and wiping at his forehead before tossing the hooks up into the
wagon. He didn’t pause in his work to greet me; he jumped up into
the back to drag the deeper bales closer to the edge where he could
toss them off unceremoniously. I stopped just out of throwing
distance and waited quietly as I watched him work. He was silent as
he labored, his eyebrows tight, glancing over only once before
frowning and returning to the task.

That quick frown was enough to make me question why I
had come. His silence seemed to confirm what I had thought the day
before. The Bishop did not approve, and had told Nathan just that.
Of course Nathan had listened. Gone was the soft smile and
tentative glances from the Frolic. Now there were tight lips and a
furrowed brow. Today there was a stiff back and a determination to
ignore me.

I contemplated turning and dropping the plate onto
his porch, so that I could run away once more. But I was tired of
running. I glanced at the porch, wondering if he would follow when
I heard him clear his throat near me. I turned to find him standing
in front of me, looking down with a glare that seemed to be
fighting a maelstrom of emotions, all dark.

"Pleasant morning, Katherine," he said low.

Katherine.

Just in a name I seemed to have my answer in how he
felt towards me.

"Good morning, Nathan," I said, my voice much
stronger than I felt. I was trembling on the inside.

"Did Fannie send you? I have already broken fast. She
need not dote on me," he said. His voice was gravelly as he spoke,
as if he were fighting to keep his voice measured.

"She was called away. But she wanted to bring this
for you," I replied, deciding that the partial truth was probably
best.

He didn't seem interested in the plate in my hands,
and certainly didn't seem excited to see me with it. He looked away
towards the way I had come and nodded, his lips pursed tightly.

"I appreciate your selfless spirit to look after me,
Katherine. Please thank Fannie when you see her next. Would you
leave the plate in the kitchen? You undoubtedly know where to find
it, yes?" he asked, pointedly staring down at his gloved hands.

I blinked at the harshness of his words, so unlike
the day before.

"Of course," I murmured and turned to head back to
his house, my breath hard to find as I made my way up the steps to
his house.

I went directly to the kitchen and set the plate into
his refrigerator, not wanting it to spoil. Looking around as I made
my way back out, I noticed not much had changed since I had last
been inside. There were no dishes mislaid, not even a crumb on the
table. I wondered if he had been truthful in that he had eaten.

As I walked past the small table in the sitting room,
my heart sank at the sight of the bare tabletop.

Not a note out of place, or a paper resting there.
Had he thrown out the poem?

I didn't linger to find out.

He was still where I had left him when I walked back
out, his eyes on me as he watched me walk back towards him. When I
drew close, his cold gaze faltered and once again he looked down
towards his hands. We were quiet for a moment, an awkward silence
that seemed to stretch on forever before he finally straightened
and stepped back away from me.

"I have much to do today. A pleasant day to you,
Katherine. Please offer my thanks to Fannie," he announced and
turned back to the stack of hay, grabbing the farthest one and
strode in the barn with it, not waiting for me to respond.

I stood there dumbly until he came out and took the
second bale inside, never looking my way as he moved. He had
effectively dismissed me and I was standing there like an idiot
waiting for more humiliation.

I turned from him and strode in the opposite
direction, back to the Bergers. With the hope of being able to stay
with them, I had set myself up thinking there was truly something
there between Nathan and myself. Only there was not. The Bishop,
someone he probably looked up to, had reminded him of our
differences. I was a stranger, and he would of course see the error
of his ways when someone opened his eyes.

It still destroyed me.

I should have known better.

I was halfway up the hill when I heard a loud
rustling behind me. Not used to the sounds of the farm I hurried my
pace, afraid of something coming at me in the stalks of corn. I
trudged through the uncut wild grass, hoping to shorten the
distance between the Bergers and me. I heard a muffled exclamation
and whirled around just as Nathan burst through the corn to my
left, his face red and his body winded from the pursuit.

"Please, Kate. Wait," he panted.

I turned away from him and started back up the hill,
struggling with the skirt and the tall grass that wrapped around my
feet as I tried to speed up.

"You made yourself clear, Nathan," I said as I
struggled to stay ahead of him as I fled.

"Kate, please just a moment to explain," he begged
and reached out for me.

The feeling of radiating heat from his hands as they
wrapped around my waist and pulled me back to him made me falter. I
felt him against me, a burning solid mass against my back as he
held me gently. His breath blew across my neck, the scent of hay
and soap causing my nose to burn slightly as I inhaled deeply. He
breathed in as well, a soft sigh sounding against my ear before he
pulled away slightly, turning me around to face him. One hand
ghosting along my hip, the other cradling my shoulder, he seemed to
understand I needed tenderness instead of force. His fingers held
me so loosely, as if he were afraid to grasp too hard.

If he only knew how his light touch affected me.

So unlike Sean's forceful grip, Nathan's was like a
caress.

And his eyes held so much emotion as he looked down
at me, asking me.

Asking me for what?

"Kate, forgive me," he whispered and let his eyes
close as he took another deep breath.

Perhaps it was the plea in his voice, the question in
his eyes before they slid shut. Or maybe it was the alluring way he
held me close that made me react.

I don’t know. I only know that I was a magnet to him,
from the first moment I had stumbled into his life. And every touch
from him seemed to set off my senses to wanting to be closer to
him. I felt myself leaning in a dreamlike haziness. He stood there,
the heat of him radiating into me as my head strained up towards
his. My hands moved up and touched his cheeks reverently just as my
lips reached his, partially open as they breathed in the air around
us.

The instant my lips touched his, a tingling flush
rushed through my body. He gasped and trembled between my hands, as
if to pull away, but his hands gripped me a little harder. His eyes
shot open, looking down at me in surprise when I pulled away
slightly. He darted a glance from my eyes to my lips, turmoil
raging in the darkness of them. I could feel the heaviness of his
breath as it washed over my cheeks. He seemed undecided as to what
to do.

Push me away or continue what we had been doing?

Daring to take the chance, I pulled myself up on
tiptoe once more, my lips connecting to his quivering ones with a
little more pressure. Nathan shook against me, this time a soft
moan escaping his lips as they tentatively moved with mine,
mimicking as I tasted him carefully. My fingertips traced along his
jaw, at the smoothness there of an early morning shave until I
traced up to thread into his hair along the nape of his neck. His
bottom lip found its way between my teeth, and I sucked him in
gently before releasing his lip slowly.

He tasted like apples.

Forbidden fruit?

Perhaps in this instance.

He moaned again and staggered a step towards me, his
hands gripping me a little more possessively, clinging to me as if
he might fall. His lips, so soft and full as they captured mine,
seemed to learn quickly, and sucked in my bottom lip as I had done
to him a second before. When he released it, he sighed and moved to
reclaim my mouth eagerly as his breathing became more ragged
through his flared nose.

Another moan as I touched my tongue hesitantly to his
lips, feeling another tremor work through him and his mouth opened
willingly. He mirrored me again, the tip of his tongue grazing
against mine as if to take in the taste of me before his arms
wrapped around me and held me tighter to him, his mouth enveloping
mine in a passionate kiss that rushed through me and made my knees
collapse underneath me. He held me up against his rigid body, a
tinkling of fear playing in my head under the rush at being held so
tightly. I could feel him shaking against me, or perhaps it was
both of us, as our bodies were forced so close.

And then a tattered whimper and he was tearing
himself away, shoving me away as if I had burned him. He stumbled
back, hands going to his mouth and his eyes clenched shut as he
struggled to catch his breath. I balanced myself, hands on my knees
to keep from falling, my breath ragged in the air. When I
straightened, his eyes opened wide and he took a step back, shaking
his head emphatically.

"This is not," he stammered. "We cannot… you must
leave. Kate. I cannot."

I took a step towards him, to apologize for what I
had just done; sure I had just sullied any hope for getting to know
him with my brazen attitude. He staggered back another step and put
his hand up to stop me from coming closer.

"Please, Kate," he rasped. "You must go. I
cannot."

He turned and fled down the hill towards his home,
tripping on the steps of the porch before retreating into the house
and shutting the door hard, leaving me without a doubt that I was
absolutely the worst thing for him. So much so he had told me to
leave.

I turned and ran.

Ran away.

It was what I was good at.

No one was in the Berger house when I burst in, to
which I was thankful. I couldn't bear to see Emma's face when she
heard I was leaving. She would convince me to stay, and I would be
forced to see Nathan again. And see the pain in his face as he
looked on me shamefully.

Why had I kissed him?

Why did he turn from me all the time?

Why did I go and shame him?

I was such an idiot.

I dug into my bag and pulled out my old clothes,
flinging the dress off hurriedly. The tears refused to come, which
made me more frustrated as I struggled with the buttons to my
shorts, finding them difficult after a few days of hooks and eyes.
I threw on a tank top and ripped off the cover on my head,
completing the transformation back into the old me in a matter of
minutes. Folding the dress neatly and laying it on the bed, I took
one last look at the room I had felt more at home in than any other
and turned from it, closing the door and not looking back.

I snuck down the stairs quietly, afraid at every turn
to discover one of the sisters there to stop me. But the house was
quiet. Slipping out of the front door, I skirted along the edge of
the house away from the barn, finding myself at the edge of the
garden. I was half way to the road when I noticed someone watching
me from the row of vines towering in the sunlight. Hannah's red
hair had worked loose and framed her face as her eyes tracked
me.

It was her expression that alarmed me more than
anything. I had assumed Hannah would rejoice on the day I left her
family. Instead, her eyes seemed worried, her mouth set not in a
frown of disapproval but of concern. I shook my head and turned
from her, not wanting to see any more regret on my behalf.

I chose my life.

It should not affect anyone else in how I chose to
screw it up.

Shouldering my backpack a little higher on my
shoulder, I set off quickly down the road; back towards the town I
had first met Jonah a week ago. It felt like months, but in a good
way. The more I thought about the last few days, the more upset I
became at my brazen attempt to force a response from Nathan. The
response had been forced out of him, to be sure. I didn't like
being treated like that with Sean.

What had I expected?

A happily ever after?

Did I think I would fit in with them?

I laughed out loud at the notion of spending my life
there, milking cows, with several children running around and the
Amish man smiling at me as Jonah did to Fannie. But my laugh choked
and I swallowed against a dry throat when I realized that that life
was not nearly so bad as what I was walking towards. In fact, the
idea of seeing Nathan smiling down at me every day seemed worth all
the pre dawn chores and life without television or the
Internet.

And that one forbidden kiss had been the best kiss I
had ever experienced.

I kicked at the gravel that piled up on the side of
the road and walked a little faster, amazed that no cars or buggies
passed on my trek. I walked under the blaring sun for what seemed
like hours, until it beat down on me from directly overhead. I was
beginning to think I had taken a wrong turn when I noticed an
intersection in the distance, and beyond that, buildings shimmering
like a mirage in the heat. With the end in sight, I quickened my
pace.