Healing Faith (48 page)

When we pulled up to the house, I immediately noticed
my father’s car was gone. Nathan glanced at the bare spot and eyed
it as we stepped up to the porch and unlocked the door. It was dark
inside, and quiet. Perhaps he had gone to work, him not being here
until late at night wasn’t uncommon.

But when we walked into the kitchen, I knew. He
wasn't planning on being around when I left. An envelope sat on the
table, and beside it a note. I took a breath and hesitated in
taking the note in my hands, afraid to read it. I felt Nathan
behind me and gained some courage from his warm hands on my
shoulder as I opened up the note to read.

Kate,

I won't be here when you leave tomorrow. I’ll save
you the need to pretend to be kind, when I don’t deserve it. I left
you what I took from your account in the envelope. Use it for your
new life.

I hope that you truly meant what you said about
forgiving me.

I do love you. I know you needed someone and I never
came through for you. I know now that you have someone who will
truly look out for you.

I am sorry. For everything.

Dad

I reached slowly for the envelope, pulling out the
large wad of cash that was in there. I couldn’t bring myself to
count it, I knew he’d be honorable and pay his debt. And it left me
feeling sad for him, to know that this would be viewed as a
business transaction more than an honest wish for a better
future.

"Are you all right?" Nathan whispered.

I nodded and closed up the note.

"He is trying in his own way to make amends. He is
not without honor,” he whispered.

I nodded and put the money back in the envelope,
feeling that this sense of closure was not as happy as I would have
wanted.

“Perhaps he will come home in the morning. We can
wait to say goodbye to him.”

"We’ll still leave tomorrow. I want to go home," I
whispered and walked upstairs to my bedroom, hearing him follow
after me.

He remained silent when I lay down and held out my
hand to him. He slid off his shoes and lay down beside me in the
big plush bed and held me close, his hands remaining on my shoulder
as I wept quietly. As much as my father wasn’t a part of my life, I
knew I would still miss him. I hugged myself against Nathan a
little more firmly, knowing that his warmth was my new solace.

Tomorrow we’d leave, and I would start my new life
with him.

Tomorrow was the start of everything.

I awoke well before dawn, yet again set to my new
ways.

I knew Nathan was awake behind me, his body was warm
against me and his fingers had slipped into my hair, stroking it
lightly with his fingertips. I stretched beside him, feeling him
back away from me slightly as my body rubbed against him. I turned
onto my back so that I could see him in the dim light, laying on
his side with a tender smile as he propped his head on his elbow to
look down at me.

"Pleasant morning," he murmured, his smile
widening.

"Pleasant morning," I whispered back and touched his
fuzzy cheek with my fingertips.

He dipped down and kissed me lightly along the cheek,
letting his growing whiskers scrape lightly before pulling away. He
let out a sigh and adjusted beside me again, one leg brushing over
my knee. I let my hand ghost down his chest, his breath catching
when I neared his stomach. I could see the indecision in his eyes,
the desire mixed with the fear, making me pause. He rolled towards
me and slipped one leg in between mine as he settled against me
with a soft moan. The weight of him was enticing, and to feel him
hard along my thigh made my heart speed up. His hands moved to my
head, thumbs stroking across my cheeks as he gazed down into my
smiling face.

"There is nothing in this world that is as beautiful
as you are. The warmth of your body, your fragrance as it fills me
with desire. You are my weakness, Kate," he murmured low and kissed
me along my jaw, moving to my ear where he could hum softly.

I felt my smile widen in joy at his words. Even
without a pen and paper, Nathan could say the most beautiful
things. My desire for him had no limits. It seemed every moment we
were together, I loved him more.

There was no doubt in my mind that Nathan was the man
I would spend my days with. I wanted to tell him, to express it
openly, but one small part of me was afraid to say it.

What if the Amish didn't say it?

Maybe that was why Nathan had not said it.

Surely he loved me?

Everything he did suggested it. He had come all this
way to find me; I was sure it was love and that he wanted to be
with me, committed and together forever.

"What are you thinking?" he whispered against my ear,
his nose tracing along my temple.

I swallowed and looked up into his eyes as he pulled
away slightly to regard me. I let my fingers trace nervous circles
along his shoulders while I gathered up the courage to speak the
words. It was more difficult than I thought. I had never said them
to anyone before.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, his worried
brow making my nerves spike.

"No, no you didn't do anything wrong," I said
quickly.

His brow loosened and his lip turned up in an amused
smirk. He slid to the side of me and leaned casually there, propped
on his elbow once more while he waited for me to continue. I turned
along my side and let my hand toy with the collar of his shirt,
avoiding his eyes so that I could say what I knew I needed to.

It wouldn't sound nearly as poetic as his words, but
it was from my heart.

"You mean so much to me. I'm not sure if I ever
thanked you for letting me into your life," I said softly.

"I must thank you, Kate," he started, only to stop
when I placed my hand on his warm lips. He raised his eyebrows at
me but let me continue.

"I mean, you didn't have to. But you took a chance
with me. You pursued me and showed me that a man can be gentle and
caring. I've never had that. I've never felt what I feel for you,"
I continued, and felt his lips curve up against my fingers.

His hand wrapped around mine, his lips kissing my
fingers before pulling them away slowly.

"What we have is a gift from God, Kate. We were both
in need of love. And we found it in one another," he replied.

"Love," I whispered, feeling my throat close up a
little at the word.

He nodded simply.

"Of course. The love I feel for you is more than I
have ever felt. And it grows by the day. From the first day I met
you, I knew," he whispered.

"Knew what?" I sighed, feeling an overwhelming surge
of warmth pass through me at his declaration.

"That you were for me. That we belonged together.
That I loved you," he replied, his eyes joyful as he looked down at
me.

"You love me?" I asked hoarsely and let out a small
laugh when his eyes crinkled as his smile broke out.

"Of course I love you," he said easily, his laughter
bubbling up from deep in his throat.

He made it so simple in his declaration.

Every worry I had fell away at his conviction.

"I am so in love with you," I breathed and reached up
and kissed him hard. I needed to show him just how much he mattered
to me. He held me close and kissed me back, moaning into my mouth
when he felt me move under him, wanting him closer. He didn’t
flinch or jerk away when my legs wrapped around him; instead he
seemed to take it as a sign to venture further. The heaviness of
his body as he moved over me only made me wish that we weren’t in
my father’s house, and that there was less between us. His breath
came faster, his mouth urgent like his hips while they moved in
time to me beneath him. Wanting more, always more.

When he finally pulled away from my lips, we were
breathless and clutching one another tightly. He hugged me close
and rolled over once more, pulling me against him as we rested in
the early glimmering of morning. We held one another like that for
a long time, Nathan's fingers playing through my hair while I
traced lazy patterns across his chest. When the room finally
started to lighten, he let out a long sigh and hugged me a little
tighter.

"We should rise if we plan on leaving,” he murmured.
I nodded and slipped out of bed, intent on getting the day
started.

Nathan excused himself to the bathroom while I looked
through my father's room to find clothes for him to wear. I found
an older pair of jeans in the closet, well worn, clean and soft, as
well as a few shirts that I hadn't seen him in for some time. Dad
had more than enough that would fit Nathan, so before making my way
down to the kitchen, I laid out the fresh clothes for him to choose
from.

I smiled at my choices.

I was growing rather fond of Nathan in those tight
t-shirts.

Four more days and then back to his traditional
clothes.

I grinned at that, knowing I loved him more as an
Amish man than in his Englisher clothes.

Breakfast was nearly ready and I had ventured to make
a quick pie dough while he was in the shower. By the time he
entered the kitchen, I had started cutting up some of the apples we
had bought.

"What are you making?" he asked, smiling as he looked
over my shoulder while I cut.

"I thought I'd make apple turnovers. They're easier
to travel with than pie," I replied, grinning.

He hummed and pecked me lightly on the cheek before
pulling away to pour some juice.

Finishing up the apples I covered them and threw them
in the refrigerator, and pulled out the egg dish from the oven. It
was an improvisation of Fannie's, but as Nathan took a bite and
grinned, I knew I had managed to make something good. We ate
quietly, enjoying the peace for once.

I set to making the turnovers while Nathan cleaned
up. It was a little strange to have him in the kitchen with me. Not
that I was trying to separate our gender roles in any way, but I
had never truly seen him work in the kitchen. Nathan seemed happy
to help, and when he had washed everything I dirtied, he turned and
watched me as I made my small triangular pastries.

"How do you do that with such ease?”

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"You are so quick with it. It is natural for you. I
watched my sisters do something like this, and they would be much
slower," he replied and for a moment I saw that hint of sadness in
his eyes in speaking about his family

I swallowed hard and tried to smile to comfort
him.

"I enjoy this. It's like writing for you I guess. It
comes naturally," I replied softly and moved to stick the pan full
of turnovers into the waiting oven.

When I turned to look back at Nathan, he seemed
thoughtful as he looked around the kitchen.

"My mother would have loved you, just as Fannie does.
She was not much different than Fannie," he whispered, and frowned.
"Perhaps that is why it is so hard to say no to Fannie most
days."

"She loves you very much," I said, knowing just how
much Fannie seemed to care for Nathan. She had so much love to
give.

He nodded and offered me that bashful look once
more.

"She was always that way. She was made to be a
mother," he said and frowned again, straightening up and looking
around once more. "We should pack whatever you wish to take. We do
not want it to get too late before we set out.”

I wanted to know more about why Fannie only had her
three daughters. I knew enough about Amish traditions that said
that the larger the family the easier the work. I had my theories,
but assumed it was rude to ask. I wouldn't push where it was not my
place.

I made my way upstairs into my bedroom, looking
around to see what I could bring. I threw my duffel bag onto the
bed and dug around for a few shirts and shorts for the trip, Nathan
sitting awkwardly by my computer table, fingering the keyboard and
trying not to watch as I pulled out bras and underwear. I looked
again at the computer and thought about our trip.

I'd need a map.

One last hoorah with technology and maybe I could
show Nathan one last thing about this world I had enjoyed but would
not really miss. I leaned over him briefly, his eyes widening
before turning curious as the computer whirred to life. He eyed the
screen as the background sprung up, a picture of the mountains at
sunset. I leaned over him as I clicked on the Internet, tapping my
fingers as the page loaded.

Nathan looked up at me and raised an eyebrow,
smirking.

"I wanted to search out our route, get it set and
printed so we wouldn't get lost," I explained and moved to sit in
his lap.

He straightened a bit and wrapped one arm around my
waist as I settled in to type out directions to home.

"Do they not make maps anymore?" he asked, fighting a
grin.

"I thought I would show you how they do it in the
21st century," I shot back, laughing.

He watched as I pulled up the maps page and laid in a
course for us. His eyes went from comical to amazement as the map
laid out our path.

"That is impressive! What else can you do?" he asked,
looking more closely at the page as I sent the map to print.

"You can find out all sorts of things on the
internet. Think of it as an unlimited resource, like a library," I
said and clicked on my homepage.

"What would you like to know?" I asked, looking down
at his contemplative face as he thought for a moment.

"What should I plant when we get home?" he asked and
squeezed me gently.

"Alright."

I typed a search on crops for fall planting.

Nathan's eyes widened at the sudden listing of sites
to visit. He leaned forward, his eyes transfixed as he watched me
click on a few and read over briefly anything that might be of use.
I touched his hand that was wrapped around my waist and slipped
from his lap, placing his hand on the mouse and instructed him
through the simple workings of the Internet.