Healing Faith (51 page)

"Brake! Brake, brake, brake!" I hollered as a
semi-truck passed by while we slowly drove along the shoulder.

"I am fine, really! I did not see him in the mirror!"
Nathan exclaimed, laughing brightly as he finally merged onto the
road.

I let out a breath and tried to hide my grin, but his
joy was contagious and pretty soon we were driving down the road at
a good pace, Nathan laughing and grinning as he concentrated on the
road. It wasn't as fast as the rest of the world wanted us to go,
but it was safe for both Nathan and the car. I relaxed in the
passenger seat and watched him as he drove perfectly, hands at ten
and two, looking at his mirrors and keeping within the lines at all
times.

It was adorable really.

He was like a guy who had just gotten his first
car.

And as the minutes ticked by, his smile remained. It
was a joy for him to do this.

He chanced a glance over at me, but only for a brief
instant and then he was back to eyeing the road. I leaned in close
to him, the pillows and blankets tucked in the passenger side so
that I could lean into him while he drove. We talked all day, about
what we saw, about how Jonah and Fannie would react when we
returned home.

About what would happen when we got home.

Nathan was avoiding the topic, but I knew he had to
be thinking about what came next in our relationship. He had not
even asked me and I was already feeling nervous over it. He was so
sure about us. Perhaps like his saying he loved me, it was
something that the Amish just knew. Emma had said something about
the Bishop asking the intended, and I knew that would be a trial in
itself. But so much of what Nathan and I had been through, I just
needed to know how we would get through the next hurdle of our
trip.

Because I was finding it so much more difficult to
stay away from him and remain respectful to his pure intentions. I
was not so naïve that I didn’t know he was battling his own demons.
Since he had come to find me, his touch was more willing, and his
body more tense when we lay down at night. I knew he was
tempted.

We both were.

When we stopped in the evening at a hotel just
outside of Evanston, Wyoming, I decided to confront him about it. I
struggled with how to ask him his intentions, well after dinner and
into the late evening as we settled down to go to sleep. Nathan
held me close, lying on his back as he lightly fingered the strap
to my tank top absently. It had been another long day, and we were
both tired. But my mind was spinning at the idea that in two days,
things would change.

"Kate?"

I looked up at him as he chewed on his lip as if
uncertain to speak. This was the first time all day he had seemed
less than joyful.

"What is it?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"I have been thinking about when we arrive home."

I took a breath and nodded.

"Me too," I said, relieved and yet also a little
nervous of his thoughts.

He smiled and laughed.

"I know that you have. You have been quiet most of
the evening. Every time we settle in to sleep, you think about it,
do you not?" he asked.

"It's kind of necessary when we are lying next to
each other and I want to kiss you and touch you and know I won't be
able to in a couple of days," I conceded, embarrassed.

He sat up and looked at me thoughtfully.

"Kate, I will not be able to go back to what we were
before. I want more," he urged softly, his eyes closing as he
seemed to check himself

I held my breath and waited for him to continue.

"I want so much more with you. This trip has made me
see just how blessed and cursed I am for wanting you so badly," he
whispered.

His thumbs skirted across my cheeks, his eyes opening
to stare intently into mine.

"Is that something you have felt?” he asked.

"Yes," was all I could manage.

He swallowed and watched his fingertips as they
traced down the side of my neck, his voice throaty as he
continued.

“I imagine many things I should not, Kate, when I am
with you. Things I should not think on without disrespecting you in
some way. But I cannot help it. Especially at night when my body
wishes I could forget the rules, and then I feel remorse for
thinking such things as I know they are not mine to take.”

I touched his lips to silence him, his eyes landing
on mine once more, dark and turbulent.

And hungry.

“I want you too,” I said and put my finger over his
mouth again when he made to object. “And if it’s disrespectful then
I have done the same, Nathan.”

He groaned against my fingers and I let him press his
hard frame close to mine.

Moving slowly, to keep him from retreating, I placed
his palm over my breast. He let out a low groan and took the chance
to be bold, enveloping my breast with his large palm. My hand moved
down further, until it landed on his hip, drawing him against me
tight so that I could wrap my leg over his.

“If this feeling is wrong, if what we are doing is
wrong, why would you be allowed to explore on Rumspringa? And is
this not something like a Rumspringa for both of us?” I
whispered.

"Kate," he whispered against my lips.

I moaned into his lips at the slow grind of his hips
into me, his hand squeezing me with more need. He rolled us over
onto my back, his lips searching me out until I gasped when his
hips rolled just right. He leaned back a bit and looked down at me
cautiously.

"Is this too much?" he said huskily.

I shook my head and placed my hand over his, to
encourage him further. I laid a little pressure on his hand as if
to urge him along before releasing it and slipping it across his
chest and down until I traced the hard outline under his pants. He
closed his eyes briefly at the pleasure he felt as I touched him,
his hips rolling so that my hand was trapped between him and
me.

"I want more with you, always more," he whispered
softly and his hand moved again, ever so slowly edging under my
shirt so that his hot fingers came in contact with my breast. I
whimpered and fell back into the bedding, his body following to
line up with mine in the most delightful way.

“I do not wish to disrespect you,” he murmured. “I
just want to feel you.”

Lips brushed along my collarbone and he groaned when
he grazed his thumb across my hard nipple.

“This is not wrong.”

His hand cupped my cheek, his mouth moving everywhere
he could. On my mouth, along my jaw, to my ear where he groaned
when his hand slipped down along my ribs on its path south.

"I want to be everything for you," he whispered and
let his lips move along my throat.

I let out a moan, wanting him to go further. My hand
in his hair spoke for me as he dipped back down, hot lips leaving
an electrifying trail down my throat and to my shoulder before his
hand grasped along my hip. He paused over my breast, the heat of
his breath causing me to shiver. He glanced up at me and then back,
before laying his soft lips against me, just over my heart. I
sighed and melted in his touch.

Another kiss closer, along the edge of my tank
top.

And then another.

And then another pause, just long enough to make me
whimper when I felt the light tug of fabric before it turned into a
moan as his lips brushed against my nipple. I held his head a
little harder, trapping him there.

I wanted him to kiss me there again and again.

His mouth opened and he kissed me more openly. I
moved against him, needing more. I was aching and I needed to feel
him. My hand found his, and I guided it down once more, fingers
slipping under the waistline of my shorts and beyond.

He pulled his head away to watch as our interlaced
hands slipped deeper and I moaned at the welcome pressure of his
fingers with mine as they grazed down. His breathing picked up as
we dipped down, into wet warmth. I laid my fingers over his and
offered enough pressure for him to see how I liked to be touched,
watching his face as he concentrated on our hands under the fabric.
He followed my fingers carefully, the gentle pressure making my
legs shake, the brushing of his thumb across my clit making me jolt
against him. He paused and swallowed as he took in my reaction.

His thumb brushed across me once more, with a little
more pressure and I groaned at the warm flush rushing through me. I
pressed against his fingers, groaning as he circled me slowly. The
build up was maddening, and so unlike anything I had ever felt. The
heat running through me was picking up. Gaining speed.

I opened my eyes to catch Nathan watching my hand as
it moved along the front of his pants; searching him out to offer
him the same pleasure he was giving me. His mouth was open, panting
as he worked a little faster, responding to my hand as it slipped
under the fabric of his pants and found him. He let out a
deep-throated moan as I stroked him, and then he moved against me,
the two of us a writhing mess in the sheets as we pleasured one
another. When he leaned in to offer me a panting kiss, his eyes
were dark but his smile was proud as I groaned and trembled against
him at the mounting tension in me. He added more pressure with his
thumb as it rubbed against me until I felt all the tension explode
in my body. I stiffened against him, the air in my lungs leaving me
in a strangled cry.

Washing over me in a hot rush.

Shaking, falling away, gasping. Swirling.

And then I was limp in his arms, gasping for breath
while his fingers moved to cup me almost possessively. When I could
focus, his lips were on mine, searing and desperate as my hand
continued to work him towards his own release. He broke off the
kiss in a long groan and together we watched as I brought him
pleasure, his hips moving to my movements this time until he let
out a gasp and a low-throated moan. We collapsed into one another,
lips touching, breath ragged, legs intertwined, and completely
content.

“That was better than anything I imagined,” he said
when he could speak again. He had a dazed look on his face. I
giggled and traced my hand along the long length of his torso,
enjoying the sight of him in the dim light. His chest beat at a
faster rate, and there was a slight sheen of sweat on it as he
struggled to calm himself. When he could breathe without panting,
he rolled onto his side and smiled bashfully at me, his eyes
continuing to take in my nakedness until I started to shiver in the
cool air. When he pulled the blanket over us, he let his hands
wander over my body, tracing over every curve, every dip. It wasn’t
until I heard his soft chuckle that I dragged myself out of my
euphoric daze.

I looked up into his eyes and saw something I had not
seen in a long while.

Mischief.

"What?" I asked, laughing nervously.

His eyes darted off into the darkness and his
laughter grew.

"It is just that I have imagined that for so long. To
bring you pleasure. But I was unsure how to do so,” he said and
ducked his head into my neck, laying sweet kisses along it to try
and distract me.

“You did just fine,” I replied, squirming a bit as
his whiskers brushed against the sensitive skin of my neck. When he
pulled away, he was grinning widely.

"Your computer has more information than it should,"
he confided, and I burst into laughter.

"You didn’t!” I sputtered and clutched at him as he
nodded and laughed softly with me.

“Pleasing you is much more important than crop
forecasts,” he said and his smile softened. He settled in against
me, one arm tucked beneath his head, the other moving across my
bare skin in a gentle caress.

"You are so beautiful, Kate. Beauty made by God.
Every part of you should be exalted," he whispered in my ear as he
lay against me.

“I am so happy because I’m with you," I sighed,
wanting him to know, he was everything I needed.

"Forever, Kate. Be mine forever," he murmured against
my lips.

I nodded and tried to kiss him again, but he pulled
away to look down at me, his eyes intense. He held my head in his
hand, purpose driven to say what he intended.

"Forever, Kate. Be my love, my partner. My wife.
Everything," he said breathlessly.

I felt my smile fighting to take over my face.

This was Nathan's way of asking. And to me it was
better than any sappy English proposal.

Because I could see it in his eyes, and feel it in
his trembling frame against me.

"Yes, Nathan. Everything," I promised and let him
kiss me until we couldn't keep our eyes from crossing.

He smiled and settled in beside me, squeezing me
gently and whispering into my ear playfully.

"Be my wife."

"Yes."

He laughed softly and hugged me a little harder.

"Be my wife."

I giggled and fought the urge to swat him for his
silliness.

But he was happy. And that was everything.

"Yes."

"I will love you always, Kate," he murmured; sleep
making his words a little garbled. "I will be there for you,
forever."

"I love you, Nathan. Forever," I whispered back and
heard his soft hum as he drifted off to sleep.

He held me as I slipped into slumber, content and at
ease as my mind drifted at thoughts of what I had planned for his
house when we returned.

We still had hurdles to jump, but I knew his
heart.

And it was the same as mine.

Wyoming was a blur.

Little things stood out.

Nathan's smile.

Nathan's repeated request for me to be his wife as we
stood filling the gas tank at the truck stop or grabbing snacks in
the store.

Nathan's hand in mine as we walked at every stop
along the way.

Nathan's happy laughter as we ate ice cream at the
soda fountain shop when we stopped for lunch in Cheyenne.