Healing Faith (50 page)

He had other plans.

"When I was a boy," he started, whisper soft, "I
thought the world was so simple. We had our school, where we
learned a little of your world. But my life was as you see it. My
father, my older brothers and I tended the fields, my sisters
helped around the house, and it was all very structured. My mother
was happy, because she was close to her sister, Fannie. And my
father was happy because he had a loving wife and many children. We
were prosperous, if not in money, we had an abundance of love."

"How many brothers and sisters did you have?" I
asked, afraid to interrupt, but very curious about the size of his
family.

"There were eight of us in all. My father and mother.
David was the oldest, then the twins, Mary and Ruth. Then me,
Rachel, and lastly my little brother, Jason," he rattled off and
sighed and scrubbed at his hair.

"I'm sorry. We don't need to talk about this now," I
said hurriedly, feeling the tension rolling off of him at his
memories.

He shut his eyes and tried to smile, but it was
forced and his voice was tight when he spoke again.

"It is selfish of me to not tell you about my life.
You have told me yours. And I want you to know my family. It is the
first time I have spoken of them since they passed," he explained
and opened his eyes again with more resolve.

I nodded hesitantly and he continued.

"David was much older. My mother had troubles having
children after he was born. Something about her childhood had made
it difficult. Fannie will not discuss it," he said and frowned as
if he had said too much.

"Is that why Fannie only has three daughters? They’re
adopted, aren’t they,” I ventured.

I had my theories, seeing that the three sisters
looked distinctly different from one another, and little like Jonah
or Fannie.

His eyes were distant but he simply nodded.

I felt even more for Fannie; to have issues with
bearing children, with as much love as she had to give. I could
understand her open arms to let me stay now so much more. And to
have adopted children when they could not have their own, it made
me understand her affection even more.

"My mother lost another son and daughter before Mary
and Ruth were born. But with my sisters, she was thankful. Twins
run in her family. When I was born, the mid wives thought they
would lose her. But she pulled through and a year later gave birth
to Rachel," he continued, and smiled fondly at the memories playing
in his head.

"Rachel and I were inseparable. Until Emma came
along," he said and smirked at me.

I could only imagine what trouble Emma got Nathan's
sister into when she was little.

"The winter that Jason was born, David died," he
said, his voice heavy with pain.

"How?" I whispered.

"Buggy accident," he said simply. "It is more common
than not. He was working late and was hit by a drunk driver coming
home. Mother was devastated."

There was so much tragedy and horror in Nathan's
life. He wondered about my strength; I had no idea how he had
managed to be so kind and gentle. Many would have become bitter and
angry.

"When I was fifteen, I was chosen, along with my
friend Benjamin, to be groomed as future deacons of the community,
with the hopes that one of us would become the next Bishop if
chosen. It was a way to draw us into remaining a part of the Amish
way, to offer us an esteemed position upon baptism. My mother was
proud. She knew how much I enjoyed following the Word. My sisters
would be starting their Rumspringa that summer, so the death of my
brother slowly healed as we continued to grow and prosper," he
said.

I waited quietly as he gripped my hand, preparing
himself for what I knew was the worst of it. His thumb moved over
my knuckles repeatedly. And then a soft breath and the words I knew
were the hardest for him.

"Some say it was the new strain of the flu, others
food poisoning. Whatever it was, it was swift and fierce. My father
went down first. He grew sick, my sisters following soon after. I
had just left on a missionary trip with Benjamin and the Bishop to
Minnesota when my father fell ill. But he insisted I go. The
harvest was in. Things were taken care of," Nathan said, his voice
monotone as if reciting a story in his mind.

Detached from it somehow.

But his thumb continued to skirt across my knuckles
roughly.

"Did they go to the doctor?" I whispered, afraid to
break him from his trance.

He shook his head.

"When I left, it was snowing. We had an early winter.
I learned from Jonah that by that first night, it had become
difficult to get from house to house, much less into town to the
clinic," he whispered.

"I'm sorry, Nathan," I said and tightened my hold on
his hand.

"Fannie and Jonah did not know my father had died
until my mother came to their door, delirious with a fever and
Jason dying in her arms."

He closed his eyes and swallowed again
repeatedly.

"I was called home as soon as Fannie and Jonah
learned of their illness. It took me two days by bus to get home. I
returned in time to say goodbye to my mother and to bury them," he
whispered and pulled his hand away from mine, leaning into the
window of the door, letting the wind blow across his face to calm
himself.

I knew of his tragedy. But to hear it now from his
lips was too much.

I pulled off the road, just outside of Reno and
stopped the car, tossing the pillows that had been between us to
the side and hugging him close. I whispered softly in his ear as he
held me, his voice silent but his breath labored as he struggled
with the emotions he had held inside for almost a year. When he
finally relaxed, he pulled away and closed his eyes as he let his
head rest on the back of the seat.

"I have not talked about that to anyone. I am sorry
to let it weigh on you," he whispered.

"It's what I am here for, Nathan," I said and smiled
gently when he opened his eyes to regard me.

I leaned in and kissed him softly against his
cheek.

"We're here for each other. You came for me. You
supported me. Now it's my turn," I said and kissed him again.

He sighed and hugged me close again.

"We do not have to hurt anymore, Kate," he sighed
into my hair.

"Never again," I confirmed and let him enjoy the
moment of the two of us there on the side of the road as the trucks
and other cars passed us by on their way to their destinations.

When I finally slipped back into the drivers seat,
Nathan's hand was firmly gripping mine once more and a gentle smile
played on his lips again.

"Let us make the rest of this trip about happy
memories. For both you and I," he said as I pulled back onto the
road.

"I like that idea," I laughed and felt my smile
broaden at the idea of happy memories with Nathan.

I had never been to Reno, but from the lights on the
horizon as we drove towards it, it seemed bigger than I had
imagined. The bright lights of the city looked similar to the
pictures I had seen of Las Vegas, and I wondered how Nathan would
feel about staying in such a place. Every sign we passed mentioned
gambling, or dancing girls, or shows that made him blink at the
suggestive pictures.

I was too tired to hope for someplace less glitzy
though. After driving for eight hours, I was feeling my body's
rebelling muscles as I struggled to stay focused on the road
leading up to the bright lights. We found a small motel on the
outskirts of the city, Nathan chuckling nervously when a woman in
bright red lipstick and short shorts tried to proposition him. When
she noticed me come out of the rental office, she immediately
disappeared wherever she had come.

I began to wonder if maybe it would have been better
to continue on.

Nathan simply held me a little closer and helped with
the key to the room.

We turned on the lights and looked at our room, clean
and quiet despite the glowing lights coming in from the curtains. I
collapsed onto the bed, laughing when Nathan flopped down beside
me. We lay there for a few minutes, side by side, not touching
until I heard his stomach rumble. As much as I wanted to simply get
in my pajamas and go to sleep, I knew we needed to eat. I let out a
long sigh and groaned as I sat up, looking down at him as he lay
flat on his back beside me, grinning at me as I took him in.

His t-shirt had ridden up, offering me a view of his
stomach and hair that disappeared into the jeans that were a little
low on his hips.

I really wanted to stay right where we were.

I could starve.

"Hungry?" I asked, meaning every use of the word.

"Very much so," he replied and chuckled when I
blushed.

He rolled off the bed and took my hand; grabbing the
keys and dragging me back outside.

"We will eat and come back. You need to rest," he
replied softly and wrapped his arm around my waist to guide me down
the street.

I was going to miss having his arm around me when we
got back.

I was still thinking about it when we settled in to
our table at the restaurant, a small diner tucked next to a
brightly lit casino a block from our motel. The waitress took our
order and left us alone, Nathan eyeing everything around us
curiously as I sipped at my cola.

"Are you all right here?” I asked.

He turned from the busy traffic on the street and
smiled timidly.

“This is more like what I see your world as,” he said
and laughed softly. “It is very busy here. And the people are
distracted by the colors I think.”

I looked around and took it in as he would. People
rushed past in tight clothes, wearing flashy jewelry or talking on
their phones, oblivious to the world around them. Even in the
restaurant, we could hear the casino noise, with its beeping and
clanging of the slot machines. It was a foreign place to me when I
looked at it from his viewpoint. Too much noise and not enough
peace and nature. I shook my head and returned to stare at his
innocent face.

“I could definitely give this up,” I said and laughed
with him all through dinner as we watched people come and go. We
didn’t dally while we ate, both of us exhausted from the
travel.

"I'm so tired," I sighed yawning as if to prove my
point when we closed the door to our room.

"We should go to sleep, then. Tomorrow is a long day
by your map. Are you sure you want to go that far tomorrow?" he
asked as he sat in one of the guest chairs and untied his
shoes.

I dug through the duffel bag and found my sleep
shorts and tank top.

"We have to. Besides, there's not a lot to the rest
of Nevada and into Utah. I'd like to get through it as fast as we
can," I admitted, scowling at him when he laughed. We both were
anxious to get back home.

I excused myself to the bathroom and changed,
brushing my teeth and washing my face quickly so that he could have
his time. When I stepped out, he was already changed. Sleep pants
and a new t-shirt, and a bashful look on his face as he avoided
staring at me. I looked down and remembered his reaction to me that
one day coming home from town, in my shorts.

"Sorry, I didn't think," I rushed out. "I'll find my
pants and put them on."

His hand stilled me from digging through the bag, and
when I looked up into his eyes, I could see the decision there.

"It is fine," he murmured and leaned down to kiss me
slowly, his hands moving around me to hold me close.

I felt the heat of him as I leaned in, moaning at the
dizzying feeling that coursed through me. He let out a low moan and
traced his hand down my hip, fingers splaying across the flesh of
my thigh before pulling away to look down at his hand as it
fingered the bottom hem of my shorts, just below my rear.

"I should prepare for sleep," he mumbled but made no
move to leave, only stared at his fingertips as they teased across
my skin producing goose bumps.

When his eyes finally turned back to mine, they were
dark with need. He leaned in for another searching kiss before
stepping away slowly, one hand in his hair. He disappeared into the
bathroom, and I all but leapt into the bed, tossing off the
blankets and slipping the sheet over my legs.

He came out a few minutes later, scrubbing at his
hair still as he made his way towards the bed. He shut off the
light, a soft glow of light peeking in from the curtains, but
enough to see him. He slid in beside me, his hand resting gently
over my stomach as I moved in to spoon against him. He let out a
measured breath and couldn’t help adjusting behind me.

"We should sleep," he said near my ear although he
seemed unconvinced when his fingers flexed along my stomach and his
hips pushed gently against my backside. I was tired, but his heat
felt wonderful. I took his hand and moved it closer to my heart,
feeling his fingers flex under mine when they drew close to my
breast.

"I'm not tired," I murmured.

"Yes you are," he chuckled and squeezed himself
closer against my back, his arousal evident. He let out another
soft groan and nuzzled his nose into my neck.

"We have time, Kate. Sleep, and tomorrow will be a
pleasant day," he murmured.

"Today was nice, with you," I mumbled, sighing at his
hot breath near my ear.

My eyes felt heavy, his heat was lulling.

"Pleasant sleep, Kate," he whispered and held me
gently as my eyelids finally won over and sleep took me.

Nevada was a long state to get through, and I knew it
would be a rough leg of the trip on my own, so when Nathan begged
to let him drive alone the long path through the middle of Utah, I
couldn’t say no. I had spent most of the morning instructing Nathan
on how my car worked. He wanted to drive, and judging by the
excitement on his face once he was behind the wheel, I was in for a
ride.