Healing Faith (23 page)

But this was a different world. Perhaps they did it
this way. I had no idea. The idea of trying to impress him, or the
Elders made my stomach clench. I had no idea what I was doing. The
panic on my face must have alarmed Hannah and Emma because they
both moved close to me and extended their hands to hold onto me,
comforting.

"How do I make this all work?" I asked, clueless.

My words must have surprised them, for Hannah pulled
away with wide eyes and Emma let out a happy laugh.

"I knew you liked him as much as he did you!" she
said merrily.

"But what do I do?" I repeated, exasperated and
collapsed back onto my back in the bed, covering my face.

If this were my world, we'd go out again, move on to
touching and feeling, and probably be called boyfriend and
girlfriend. Did they say that here?

"We will help you, Katherine. It will be all right,"
Abigail whispered hugged me across the waist.

"So then what do I do now?" I asked, growing more
nervous as I thought of how to impress Nathan and not cause any
trouble.

Hannah leaned back into the bed and thought seriously
for a moment.

"I must ask you, Katherine,” she said and held my
hand to focus all my attention on her. “Do you truly wish to be one
of us? Would you give up everything, to live this life?”

“I would,” I whispered, knowing in my heart that it
was true. I hadn’t felt more at home anywhere than I had since
coming to West Grove.

Emma reached over and held my hand over Hannah’s.
Abigail mimicked her sisters.

"Tomorrow, Katherine,” Emma whispered, “When we do
our chores, we will talk about what you must learn then. It will be
much, but we pledge to help you. And we will help you with Nathan,
for he is hopeless when it comes to courting.”

I laughed quietly with my new sisters; sure that poor
Nathan would be traumatized if he knew what they thought of him.
Hannah wished us goodnight and Emma and Abigail tucked under their
covers while I opened up my new book to the very beginning. I knew
that their world revolved around this book.

I needed to get familiar with it.

So that I could get familiar with Nathan's life.

I opened up to the first page, the words coming to me
easily. Maybe some of the most famous words to this book:

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the
Earth.

I might know some, but I knew I had so much more to
learn.

Tomorrow.

"So there are public gatherings just for the purpose
of courting?" I asked, digging out the carrots from the ground as I
spoke.

"Yes, we will go to one after the next Sermon. Hannah
and Mark will be married in a couple of days, it is expected that
everyone will be here to celebrate that, but it is also a chance
for couples to mingle and speak together," Emma explained and wiped
the dirt from her fingers.

She had three times as many carrots pulled as I did.
I was still learning.

"So you don't go out on dates then, by yourselves?" I
asked and stood to stretch. I was covered in dirt where my knees
had been shuffling around.

"That is not allowed, Katherine. Except during
Rumspringa. But that is not talked about," she whispered loudly, as
if it were a secret that couples could sneak away during their
coming out.

This had been our thing for the last several days.
One of the sisters would be with me while we did our chores and
they would expound on the ways of the Amish.

First it was the basics.

Abigail recited the Amish week for me over and
over.

The days of the week all had assigned duties to be
completed.

Monday, laundry.

Tuesday, baking for selling at the local market.

Wednesday, a deep clean of the house on top of our
daily cleaning chores.

Thursday was a day of reflection, and many times
celebration. Like weddings and Frolics.

Friday was gardening day to harvest and replant
anything not done daily.

Saturday was canning and preparation for Sunday
meals.

Sunday was a day of rest. Every other week, the
families met for Sermons together at the house of a member of the
community.

Duties were more or less assigned to each family
member, to even the load. I was starting to understand why the
Amish had so many children; except Fannie and Jonah. They had to be
struggling with only daughters. Jonah managed his crops with help
from Mark and occasionally a man I did not know. But like Nathan,
it was difficult. How much of the Amish life was always a struggle
to make ends meet?

I had learned so much in only a couple of weeks, but
knew I was terribly behind on how they really lived. And loved.

Courtship was secret. The couple didn't announce
themselves until the man had the Bishop come and ask the girl her
thoughts on their union. That little bit of information made me
sick to my stomach.

The Bishop asked the girl if she wanted to marry the
boy?

And the Bishop asked her father for approval?

Well, that would go over well.

I had no intention of having my father agree to
anything in my life. He had done such a great job already. Emma
must have seen my reaction when she told me. She leaned in and
offered me an encouraging hug.

"It will be all right, Katherine. Father will be sure
to say yes. I have no doubt," she said and walked off towards the
kitchen, allowing me a moment to let my emotions get the better of
me, for just a moment.

Jonah would say yes
. How welcoming this family
had been to me, that they made me a part of their family, without
question. So much kindness, it was amazing the amount of love this
community had. And the assumption that Nathan would want to marry
me, would go through with having the Bishop ask me was a giant
leap. Jonah would answer for me, instead of my father. They had
taken me as their own with no worries that I wouldn’t be accepted
into the community.

Would the Bishop let me marry one of his own? Would
he allow an Outsider to be a part of the community? Would he allow
me to be a part of Nathan's life? Did he have a choice? Surely love
was more important than duty.

Was it love? I had no idea. I knew I had an
undeniable draw to Nathan.

And Nathan's affections seemed clear.

Yes, Jonah would say yes. He seemed intent on making
sure his family was happy. It was a remarkable feeling, having so
many care when really it was not their duty.

I wiped my wet face with dirty hands, not caring if I
smeared the dirt under my eyes. I didn't want them to see I had
been crying. I wanted to prove to them that I was strong. All the
information crammed into my head would be used well.

How strange it felt, having a sudden determination to
make this work. To make the firm choice that this was what I
wanted. I wanted a life here, in this simple world. I wanted a life
with Nathan, a man I barely knew, but felt something so strong, it
was meant to be. These people had strong convictions. I would
too.

I walked back to the house, head held high,
determined to learn it all. I was determined to get through my
Book, so that I understood everything about it. It was an integral
part of their lives. It was an important part of Nathan's life. I
would learn it all.

~~~~

We had worked hard all week in preparation for Hannah
and Mark’s wedding. Our chores had more meaning, knowing that we
were preparing for a special event. We had to prepare our home for
the neighbors and guests that would be filling it the coming
Thursday. The days had seemed to fly by, and I was happy to finally
be able to feel the rhythm that was daily life here take a hold of
me. The women showed me how to live the Amish Way, and I was
learning that baking was most definitely my strength. My pies sold
well at the local Amish market as well as the General store.

I was learning to make a life here.

I was pulling out the last of my boysenberry pies
from the oven when Nathan came in with Jonah from outside. Every
time he walked in the door it was like a rush through my body. The
soft smile and dip of his head as he tried to hide it would always
make me smile in return. You would think after being with the
Bergers for almost two weeks, with him here for meals and evening
sittings, I would be used to his timid glances and smiles.

Even when he appeared sweaty and dirty from the
field, I found myself staying close to him regardless. There was
something about a man who worked hard for a living that was just
incredibly attractive. He smelled like the earth and an honest man.
Not disgusting in any way, I assumed those nights when he came in
cleaner from the field, he must have washed up, worried that he
would turn me off from a particularly grueling day. Nathan wanted
to please me as much as I wanted to please him. So when he would
walk in, covertly smiling towards me while I helped Fannie bring in
the meal, I would do what I could to make sure he was happy. Seeing
him smile was more important to me than making a good pie, truly. I
wanted to please him as well.

My sisters would giggle and make fun of me in the
evenings after he had left. It was strange to have family that knew
about our interest in one another, all the while respecting our
privacy when we went for our walks. We were supposed to be secret
after all. We would talk mostly while we walked together in the
evenings, learning of one another's world and each other. But the
energy would always intensify when the barn came into view, when we
would disappear from prying eyes behind it.

Nathan seemed to be able to time exactly how long our
walk should take and how long that meant that we could spend
kissing. He always seemed to pull away just as I felt sure I would
collapse from the intensity of it. Always the same, just as he
would feel me pull against him and open up to him, hoping for more
than his hands cupping my head, or cradling my back. Every time, he
would pull back and let out a long breath, putting me back at arm’s
length.

It wasn't like I didn't know he liked it. But instead
of trying to cop a feel or move to the next level like Sean always
did, Nathan would pull away and take my hand to resume our walk,
ending up back in the swing seat, talking quietly. It was a little
flustering, until I remembered we had only known one another for
few weeks. Less really, given Nathan’s avoidance those first few
days. With that in my head, I would take a deep breath and enjoy
his hand in mine whenever I could, and smile at the intensity of
our feelings.

I enjoyed this slow progression. It was a nice change
from the pressure I had always felt with Sean. Nathan was gentle
and tentative, respectful. Even if our bodies craved more, I liked
the fact that I felt safe with Nathan. This was how a relationship
worked. Evenings sitting and talking, a stolen kiss, and the tender
heat of his hand in mine. It was a natural progression. Eventually,
something more would happen when the time was right for both of
us.

For now, I enjoyed the simple with Nathan. Nights
relaxing after a long day were better when I was with him. If the
light of the early evening allowed, he would read to me passages
from the Bible. I was delighted to hear him read, especially when
he touched on passages I had read earlier in the day. Any time I
could spend quietly, I was reading from his mother's book. I found
the stories fascinating. And integrating them into their lives, I
felt I understood the Amish lifestyle more.

The Amish lived their lives based on the words in the
book in my hands, quite literally. As I read something that struck
me as familiar, I would find an example of it in the daily life of
the people around me. Living the simple life, not drawing attention
to oneself, not being vain. Respecting ones Elders, treating
strangers with kindness.

So many things that they lived by.

The Amish were an honest God-loving community.

Listening to Nathan every night as he recited words
of wisdom, I heard more than his gentle voice, I heard the meaning
of what he said. I was starting to see that he had a purpose to his
passages. It seemed to offer him some solace as well, reading to
me, allowing me to learn from him. Perhaps it was a way of healing
his broken faith.

But on some nights, he seemed more reflective than
others. Like this night.

We had taken our walk, our brief time behind the barn
a little shorter as he settled us back into the swing, his brow
slightly furrowed as he cleared his throat and fiddled with his
mother's Book in his hands. He read tentatively, as if he was
troubled by what he read. I touched him gently on the arm, drawing
his attention to me before he started.

"Are you all right? You seem nervous tonight," I
said, watching his lip disappear into his mouth.

He brushed his hair behind his ear and sighed.

“My thoughts weigh on me tonight,” he said quietly
and tried to smile.

“Did I say something wrong to offend you?” I asked,
worried that perhaps I had done something wrong.

He shook his head and let out a nervous laugh,
fidgeting beside me as we listened to Mark and Hannah laughing
inside. It was the night before their wedding, and the excitement
seemed to spread throughout the house, except on the porch where we
sat.

“Tomorrow your sister will marry,” he said after they
quieted down inside.

I nodded, confused at his reaction when he glanced at
me from the corner of his eye and let out a heavy breath. He
cleared his throat again and traced the edge of the Bible as a
distraction.

“She is very happy to be wed,” he said.

Again I nodded.

It was all she had talked about when we weren’t
trying to teach me about the Way.

“Weddings are important in our community, as much so
as the baptism of new members.”