Heart of Glass (8 page)

From my spot on the edge of
the dance floor, I watched the boys as they circled the room,
joining a group standing to one side. They spent a few minutes
talking and looking out into the crowd. Then Paul saw Prue and made
a beeline towards her. I smiled seeing them disappear into the mass
of dancers. Their friendship had been developing since the night at
my house and they enjoyed each other’s company. Prue deserved to be
happy even if she was a gutless wonder.

Lucy was on the dance floor
too, with Dan from the football team. She had her hair in a
ponytail and, as usual, her white jeans looked as if they were
painted onto her body. Her pink boob tube was filled with an
expanse of breast that was jiggling towards exposure. She didn’t
seem to care that Dan was getting an eyeful and neither did he. He
had an absorbed stare; worrying that if he moved his eyes for a
second he would miss the glorious moment when those breasts would
be revealed. She looked my way and snubbed me. I made a silent wish
that her boob tube would slide down to her knees showing her
nakedness to the world, or that Dan’s coke would drop from his hand
and spill all over her jeans.

Then I saw that Ben was
looking in my direction, so I ducked and headed onto the dance
floor. He would never see me there, hiding in the mist from the fog
machine, but I could feel his eyes on me, reeling me in, begging me
to yell, “Here I am, I’m over here.” Quelling the urge, I began to
dance and for the next three minutes, Ben James was driven from my
mind as Jo and I, my cousin from the Corpus Christi School, jumped
around like lunatics.

“
That was awesome,” Jo
puffed, as she adjusted her overalls when the song
finished.

“
Yeah. Again?”

Jo nodded and as we waited
for the next song, we scanned the crowd to see who had paired off
with whom. It was dark and Ben was nowhere in sight. My heart sank
a little but I don’t know if it was from sadness or
relief.

“
Hey, did you see Lucy
Robert’s top? If that thing creeps any lower she could wear it as a
mini skirt.”

Swinging back to Jo, I gave
a smile.

“
It’s really only big
enough for a headband,” I added.

“
Or a hanky.”

I laughed. It felt good. I
hadn’t done a great deal of it lately.

It was then that I saw Ben
shouldering his way through the crowd. What was he doing? Surely,
he wasn’t coming to ask me to dance. Not after what he’d
done.  Now I was cross.

Ben’s indigo eyes shone as
he stopped in front of me. His smile was friendly. I could feel my
heart flutter, in complete contradiction to every thought I had had
about him recently. It wasn’t fair.

“
Hi Bella, um… you wanna
have a dance?”

Well, of course I would you
moron, I thought. But it didn’t mean I was going to. I wasn’t that
tragic. Not yet. I squared my shoulders at him.

“
Why? Can’t you find Lucy?
She’s just over there.” I pointed through the crowd.

“
I don’t want to dance with
her.”

“
Oh. So, it’s dance with
me…. sleep with her. At least you have all your bases
covered.”

I folded my arms and stood
my ground. Maybe he’d get on his knees and beg.

“
Please?”

As if directed by some inner
force my head nodded. I was so annoyed with myself. Why had I given
in?

“
Catch you later, Jo.” I
said, but she didn’t reply, she was too busy checking Ben
out.

I waved my palm in front of
her face.

“
Oh yeah, right, see you
later,” she said, wandering off into the crowd. I could understand
it. He had that effect on me too.

The music started. We began
to dance. Ben kept the beat well and his arms weren’t flapping all
over the place like some boys. He was quite a good dancer. The mass
of people on the dance floor made it difficult so he moved closer,
brushing his hands against mine. I ignored him. There would have to
be some major sucking up if he thought I would forgive and
forget.

As we continued to move, I
looked up into his eyes. The hint of grey was still there,
surrounded by the deepest blue and shaded by his thick black
lashes. His eyes were beautiful. I leant towards him; the fresh
scent of him wafted around us, seducing me.

“
Why’d you want to dance
with me? Do you feel sorry for me or something? ‘Cause you clearly
don’t care about me,”

Ben pressed his lips
together. “You know I like you but…”

“
But what? Come on. But
what?”

He shrugged, obviously
struggling with what he wanted to say. I couldn’t believe it. Where
was the smart Ben? The confident guy who had a way with
girls?

“
You know how it
is.”

“
I don’t.
Actually.”

“
I’ve been
busy….”

I rose my eyebrows at him.
That was it? God. Boys were so weird.

“
So you’re here for the
Athletics Championships tomorrow?”

“
Yeah. I’m Captain - but
you knew that - and I’m in the sprints and relay as well as the
long jump. I hold the record.”

I was impressed. I’d only
thought he was good at football. “Shouldn’t you be having a quiet
night?”

“
Nah. I could do it with my
eyes shut. It’s only a school thing.”

He shrugged again, and I
caught a glimpse of his old self-assurance.

The music changed to the
slow reggae rhythm of Bob Marley’s “Is this Love?” Ben moved
closer.

“
Look, I’m sorry, Bella. I
just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Slipping his hands to my
waist, he pulled me towards him so that the length of our bodies
touched. A sudden jolt from a dancer behind us worked to his
advantage as my body shoved against his. He grabbed my hands
helping me regain my balance.

“
You okay?”

His arms snaked right around
my waist capturing me in his grasp. Oh I so wanted to be captured,
forever. His arms were strong and reassuring.

“
Fine, thanks.”

We were dancing so close
that it was impossible to move without touching. My arms slid up
and wound themselves around Ben’s neck and he held me wrapped in
the cocoon of his body. Why did we try to deny it? It was good to
hold, and be held again. It was where I belonged. I could feel the
heat of his body as we moved and I closed my eyes and rested my
head against his firm chest. His arms cradled me and his cheek
found a comfortable place at the top of my head. He was, after all,
more than a head taller than I was. We were comfortable there in
each other’s arms, two pieces of the puzzle that locked perfectly
together. From somewhere in my bliss, I sent out a thought to Lucy.
Wherever she had sneaked off to, I hoped she was getting a good
eyeful. At the end of the song, he pulled away.

“
It’s a nice night outside.
Do you wanna go for a walk? I think I need to explain.”

“
Okay,” I answered, feeling
shy.

Clutching my hand, he
steered me through the crowd towards the door.

***

The music died away as we
walked out into the dark. Everything around us was silent but for
the crickets along the edge of the path. The moon was suspended
like a huge silvery globe, and stars were dotted randomly across
the sky. It looked as though someone had taken fairy lights and
sprinkled them through the heavens, just like the ‘Starry Starry
Night’ painting I had seen in art class. It was so bright I could
see the flowers that had been planted along the edges of the
garden, a kaleidoscope of colour.

We followed the path to the
back of the convent. Walking slowly, our shoes crunched on the
stones. Ben’s hand reached for mine and I let him hold it. It felt
right with our hands wound together, fingers entwined. Finally, we
stepped through an arbour and stopped in a walled garden at the
side of the building.

“
It’s so pretty,” I
said.

The garden was magical. The
light from the moon cast a pearly glow over the bushes and trees.
At one end there was a rotunda partly hidden by a tall hedge, and a
willow that lay it’s branches down to scrape the ground. The other
side of the garden was filled with white rose bushes and gardenias,
their blooms glowing in the moonlight, their perfume wafted on the
breeze, filling the air around us. It was perfect, and it was
deserted.

We walked to the rotunda and
climbed the sandstone steps. Sitting on the top step, I stared into
the plum coloured night. Ben turned to face me, his hand still
holding mine. His eyes were bright, their blue piercing and
intense. I felt as if I could drown in the depths of their
blue.

“
I’ve thought about you and
what happened a lot, Bella. I wanted to ring you but I couldn’t. I
guess I felt guilty.”

“
Funny that.”

“
I heard you’ve been
getting a bit of shit at school. Are you okay?” I couldn’t
understand why he kept asking me that.  He clearly had no real
feelings for me. Why would he care how I felt?

“
I’ll cope. Lucy said a lot
of stuff…. why did you sleep with her?”

Ben was silent for a minute,
his eyes lost in thought.

“
I was drunk and she was
real insistent. I guess I was a bit sick of getting knocked back
all the time.”

“
I thought you were okay
with me wanting to take it slow.  I’m fifteen Ben. I don’t
exactly have the experience you do. And it hurt me when I found
out. It really hurt. I know you weren’t actually my boyfriend, we
weren’t going together or anything, but it still hurt.”

I searched his face, trying
to make sense of it.  He looked as if he were going to
cry.

“
I don’t know why I went
with her. It just happened. I’m sorry. All I wanted was you and you
weren’t there.”

“
So it was just
sex?”

“
Yeah.”

“
Then how do I know you
wont go off and do it with some other girl the next time you get
all hot and bothered?”

He stared into my eyes,
looking to make the hurt disappear. “Guess you’ll have to trust
me.  Please, Bella.  Just trust me. I want to make it up
to you. This whole thing has made me realise how much you mean to
me. I’ve missed you so much.”

“
I’m not some girl you can
just have when you feel like it, you know, I won’t be a game to
you.”

Ben bit his lip.

“
You’re not a game to me,”
he whispered. “I want to be with you so much it hurts. I tried to
forget you, tried not to think about how we fit together but I
couldn’t. And I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was scared.
I’ve never felt like this before. This is something totally new for
me too.”

Then he pulled me to him and
kissed me.

Hardly drawing breath, Ben’s
hands flew up and down the length of my spine. He crushed me to him
as his mouth ravaged mine. I burnt, I quivered, I sighed but I
couldn’t give in. My body was tingling from his words and I felt
giddy and faint. My knees trembled as he pushed me against the
timber railing, his kiss growing deeper and more
demanding.

“
I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”

“
As long as you don’t leave
me,” I answered.

“
I won’t, I’ll never leave
you. You’re like this missing piece of me. I know that
now.”

My head was spinning. That
little voice inside was telling me not to trust him, not to listen
to his words of love. If he would go with Lucy, he would go with
anybody but his fingers were tickling my breast through my top and
my body was growing hotter with each touch. He buried his head in
the shallow of my cleavage and kissed me there and then until, when
I could stand it no more; he pulled aside my bra and laid his lips
upon my breast. He was driving me into a frenzy I could not
control. My resolve was slipping with each kiss and I knew I had to
do something before his hands and tongue rendered me utterly
senseless.

“
No.”

His hands fell away and he
looked up at me. “What do you mean?”

“
I said stop, that’s
enough. Somebody might see us.”

“
Jesus, Bella, nobody can
see. We’re all alone. Come on…”

I could see the annoyance
sparking in his eyes. This was no time for modesty. I was trying
his patience, no end.

“
Ben.” I tried to wriggle
but his body had me pinned against the railing.

“
What? Don’t you like
it?”

“
It’s not that.”

“
Then what?”

“
You’re touching me and
kissing me and suddenly I saw myself and I realised how I must it
must look. Its just not right, out here in public.”

Ben sighed and stood up. He
adjusted his clothes and ran a ragged hand through his hair. “I
guess so,” he said.  “But if this is going to work between us,
you’re gonna have to loosen up a little. I know you’re only fifteen
but you have to remember I’m eighteen.”