How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (3 page)

Know what you want. Find out what you're getting. Change what you do until you get what
you want.

This is terrifically easy to remember because a certain Colonel had the good sense
to open a chain of restaurants using the abbreviation KFC for a name. Every time we see one of his signs, we can ask ourselves how well the
development of our communication skills is going.

What's Coming Up ...

In the following chapters, we'll examine the arena of rapport in much more detail, as well
as the value of a Really Useful Attitude in projecting a positive image of yourself. You'll learn what happens at first sight on the surface and below the surface
and the importance of having your body language, your voice tone and your words be
congruent, or all saying the same thing. No crossed signals, no mixed messages, no
confusion. You'll discover how your body language appeals to some but not others and how,
by making a few adjustments to your own movements, you can positively affect the way
people feel about you.

Then we'll delve deep into the warm and welcoming world of synchrony. You'll learn how to
align yourself with the signals other people send you so that they'll feel a natural
familiarity and comfort around you. We'll also discuss the massive importance of voice
tone and how it influences the moods and emotions we want to convey.

A whole chapter is devoted to starting and maintaining sparkling conversation. We'll
explore all the ways to open people up and avoid closing them down. We'll also deal with
compliments, obtaining free information and being memorable.

Finally we'll go even deeper, down to the very core of the human psyche. The astonishing
truth is that although we navigate the world through our five senses, each of us has one
sense that we rely on more than the other four. I'll show you how people are giving clues
about their favorite sense all the time and how you can move onto the same sensory wavelength as theirs. Do people who rely mainly on their ears
differ from those who rely mainly on their eyes? Darn right they do, and you'll find out
how to tailor your approach to communicate with them.

Each chapter includes at least one exercise that will help you realize the power of
connecting. Some of these exercises can be done alone, but others you have to do with a
partner. Let's face it, face-to-face communication and rapport skills are interactive
activitiesyou can't learn to do them all by yourself.

So there it is. Connecting. All day long, men, women and children give away vital keys to
what makes them tickto how they experience and filter the world through their body
language, their tone of voice, their eye movements and their choice of words. They simply
cannot help doing this. Now it's up to you to learn how to use this wonderful, nonstop
flood of information to achieve improved outcomes and more satisfying relationships.

done, the conversation flows, the cop tears up the ticket. But how often have you found yourself in a situation where, no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to connect with another person and it makes no sense? After all, you know you're a fine, decent human being. Maybe you're even a fabulous, wildly attractive human being. But no matter what you say or do, you don't establish rapport and you can't connect.

You're not alone. Being a decent sort is not enough to guarantee good rapport with another person. In the dictionary, “rapport” is defined as “harmonious or sympathetic communication.” In our interpersonal communications, we go through certain
routines when we first meet a new person. If these routines work out and rapport is
established, we can begin to deliver our communication with some certainty that it will be
accepted and given serious consideration. Serious consideration is vital because the
fundamental outcome of rapport is the perception of credibility, which in turn will lead
to mutual trust. If credibility is not established, the messenger and not the message may
become the focus of attention, and that attention will harbor discomfort.

But when we experience the world through the same eyes, ears and feelings as others, we
are so bonded, or synchronized, with them that they can't help but know we understand
them. This means being so much like them that they trust us and feel comfortable with us
that they say to themselves subconsciously, “I don't know what it is about this person,
but there's something I really like.”

Research has shown that we have approximately 90 seconds to make a favorable impression
when we first meet someone. What happens in those 90 seconds can determine whether we
succeed or fail at achieving rapport. In fact, frequently we have even less than 90
seconds!

Attraction is present everywhere in the universe. Whether you want to call it magnetism,
polarity, electricity, thought, intelligence or charisma, it's still attraction, and it
invests everythinganimal, vegetable or mineral. We form synchronized partnerships natu
rally, and although they are hardly noticeable to some, they are quite tangible to others.

We have always relied on emotional contact and signals from our parents, peers, teachers
and friends to guide us through our lives. We are influenced by their emotional feedback,
their gestures and their way of doing things. When your mother or father sat a certain
way, you would do the same; if a cool friend or a movie star walks a certain way, you
might adopt a similar gait. We learn by aligning ourselves with the signals other people
send us. They impress their way of being on us. We synchronize what we like about them.

People with common interests have natural rapport. The reason you get along so well with
your close friends is that you have similar interests, similar opinions and maybe even
similar ways of doing things. Sure, you will often find plenty to differ on and argue
about, but essentially you are very much like each other.

We human beings are social animals. We live in communities. It's far more “normal” and even logical for people to get along with one
another than it is for them to argue, fight and not get along. The irony is that society has conditioned us to be afraid of each otherto set
up boundaries between ourselves and others. We live in a society that pretends to find its
unity through love but in actuality finds it through fear. The media scare us half to
death with headlines and advertisements continually telling us of earthquakes and airplane
crashes and asking us if we have enough insurance, are we too fat, too thin, does the
smoke detector work and what about those high funeral expenses? Natural rapport is a prime
requirement for our sanity, our evolution and, indeed, our survival.

Perhaps you have traveled abroad to a country where people don't speak your language and
you don't understand theirs. You feel a little uncomfortableeven suspiciouswhen you can't
be understood. Then suddenly you meet someone from your own country, maybe your own
state. This person speaks your language, and whammo, you have a new best friendfor your
vacation at least. You might share experiences, opinions, insights, where to find the best
restaurants and bargains. You will doubtless exchange personal information about family and work. All this and much more because you share a language. That's rapport by chance.
Maybe your enthusiasm will lead you to continue that friendship after returning home,
only to discover that apart from language and location the two of you have nothing in
common and the relationship fizzles out all by itself.

This isn't limited to language and geography. Chance encounters happen on almost a daily
basis to all of us at work, in the supermarket, at the Laundromat or the bus stop.

The key to establishing rapport with strangers is to learn how to become like them.
Fortunately, this is both very simple and a lot of fun to do. It allows you to look on
each new encounter as a puzzle, a game, a joy.

When the interests or the behavior of two or more people are synchronized, these people are
said to be in rapport. As we already know, rapport can happen in response to a shared interest or when you find yourself in certain situations or
circumstances. But when none of these conditions is present, there is a way to establish
rapport “by design”and that's what this book is about.

Mark is attending a formal dinner, eight to a table. He hates coming to these events and as
usual is stuck for words. He's beginning to get that squirmy feeling. He doesn't know anyone except for his accountant, who's sitting at the
other end of the banquet hall and making everyone laugh. Suddenly the guest across from
him, a young woman in a shiny blue dress who caught his eye a few moments ago even though
they hadn't spoken, tells the man on her left that she is an avid stamp collector. Gust
like Mark!

Mark is relieved and overjoyed because chance has given him an excuse to talk to her. They
have something in commonstamps. Mark speaks up and tells Tanya all about his rare 1948 Poached Egg stamp and how he found it when his Pontiac broke down in Cortlandville in upper New York
State. With both elbows on the edge of the table and a -È

When we set out to establish rapport by design, we purposely reduce the distance and
differences between another person and ourselves by finding common ground. When this
happens, we feel a natural connection with the person, or persons, because we are akin
we have become like each other.

As rapport develops between Mark and Tanya in the finger poised gently on her cheek, close to her ear, Tanya leans toward Mark; her pupils
dilate slightly as her shoulders become softer and more relaxed. Mark too leans for
ward on his elbows, smiling as Tanya smiles, nodding as she nods. She sips her water; he
finds himself doing the same ...

Mark and Tanya have established rapport. They connected and initiated a relationship
through a common interest. Their rapport is evident on many levelsthe cues and rhythms
they are taking from and sending to eachother,theimperceptiblemodificationsofbehavior they
are making without thinking. The shared interest has given them proximity, and they are
adjusting to one another. Who knows where it will lead? They like each other because they
are like each other, and the dance of rapport has begun to calibrate itself. They have made a
favorable connection in 90 seconds or less.

story box above, there is a lot more going on than meets the eye. The average person would
perhaps not notice, but to the trained eye and ear there is plenty happening. As their
shared interest in stamps emerges, so does a similarity in their behavior toward each
other. Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, breathing patterns,
body rhythms and many more physiological activities come into alignment. Simply put, they unconsciously start to
behave in a like manner. They start synchronizing their actions.

Rapport by design is established by deliberately altering your behavior, just for a short
time, in order to become like the other person. You become an adapter, just long enough to establish a connection.
Precisely what you can adapt and how to do it is what you are about to learn in the
chapters that follow.

All you will need at your disposal is your attitude, your appearance, your body, your
facial expressions, your eyes, the tone and rhythms of your voice, your talent for
structuring words into engaging conversation and your about-to-be-revealed gift for
discovering another person's favorite sense. Add to this an ability to listen to and
observe other people and a very large helping of curiosity. No gadgets, no appliances,
no aphrodisiacs, no pills, no checkbook, no big stick. Just the wonderful gifts you were
born withand your heartwarming desire for the company of other people.

air and clap your hands, or try to be happy as you slouch in a chair and let your head droop. Your attitude controls your mind, and your mind delivers the body language.

Attitudes set the quality and mood of your thoughts,

your voice tone, your spoken words. Most importantly,

they govern your facial and body language. Attitudes are like trays on which we serve ourselves up to other people. Once your mind is set into a particular attitude,

you have very little ongoing conscious control over the signals your body sends out. Your body has a mind of its own, and it will play out the patterns of behavior associated with whatever attitude you find yourself experiencing.

No matter what you do or where you live, the quality of your attitude determines the
quality of your relationshipsnot to mention just about everything else in your life.

I have been using the same bank branch for the last eight years. From time to time,
someone I've never heard of before sends me a letter (spelling my name wrong) to tell me
what a pleasure it is to have me as a special customer. No matter how hard they try to
improve their “personalized” service, however, banks are pretty much the same all over,
and my bank is really no different from the rest. So why do I still bank there even though
two new, competing banks have recently opened much closer to where I live? Convenience?
Obviously not. Better rates? Nope. More services? No. It's none of these things. It's
Joanne, one of the tellers. What does Joanne offer that the institution can't? She makes
me feel good. I believe she cares about me, and other customers feel the same way about
her. You can tell by the way they talk with her. This charming lady brightens up the whole
place.

How does Joanne do it? Simple. She knows what she wants: to please the customers and do
her job well. She has a Really Useful Attitude or, to be more precise, two fully congruent
Really Useful Attitudes. She is both cheery and interested, and everybody benefits: me the customer, her colleagues, her
company, no doubt her family and, above all, herself. What Joanne sends out with her
Really Useful Attitude comes back to her a thousandfold and becomes a joyous,
self-fulfilling reality. And it doesn't cost a cent.