I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (10 page)

birds do it, bees do it?

HUMANS AREN’T THE only females of the animal kingdom who masturbate. Female horses, cows, dolphins, ferrets, cats, monkeys, chimps, gibbons, orangutans, and baboons have all been seen to play with their clitorises or rub their genitals against objects, especially when they’re in heat. Porcupines in estrus sometimes straddle a stick and drag it with them as they walk. Female dolphins sometimes use the muscles of their vaginas to carry and rub against small rubber balls. Rhesus macaque (a kind of monkey) females sometimes fondle and suck on their own nipples, and stumptail macaques have been seen pulling their own tail between their legs and rubbing it against their labia.

Lie #7:

Only lesbians/sluts/bad girls masturbate.

Truth:
Let’s set the record straight about what kinds of women commonly masturbate:

○Heterosexual women. Bisexual women. Lesbian women. Women who describe themselves as “none of the above.” Women who say they’re “not homosexual, not heterosexual, just sexual.”

○Women who have lots of sex. Women who’ve never had sex with a partner. Women who wish they were having more partnered sex than they are. Women who aren’t interested in partnered sex.

○
Single women. Married women. Dating women. Women who aren’t sure if that person they hook up with sometimes is officially a “relationship” or not.

○Doctors. Dog-walkers. Lawyers. Janitors. Students. At-home moms. Women who don’t have a job.

○Women of every age, race, ethnicity, and religious denomination. Atheists and agnostics, too.

According to
The Janus Report,
a national sex survey, nine out of ten women over age eighteen have masturbated. And the tenth woman just might give it a try when she gets in the right mood!

Lie #8

Women need to be careful not to masturbate too much.

Truth:
If a woman is cutting class, not showing up for work, standing up her friends, or avoiding her significant other because she’s too busy self-pleasuring, then she’s overdoing it. Otherwise, there’s nothing to worry about! It’s perfectly fine for women to masturbate every day or several times a day. It’s also fine to masturbate less or not at all. Most women find they go through phases depending on their mood, menstrual cycle, stress level, relationship status, and other factors—there’s no right or wrong frequency when it comes to masturbation. After all, people don’t worry about getting “addicted” to other enjoyable, perfectly healthy pastimes like bowling, knitting, or Googling themselves.

how do women masturbate?

TIME AND TIME again, women have told us, “I wanted to masturbate when I was growing up—I just didn’t know how to do it.” One woman said that when she was little, her mom gave her a kid’s book about sexuality. The book said masturbation was healthy and normal, and the girl thought to herself, “Oh, good, now I can finally learn how to do it!” She turned the page expecting to find step-by-step instructions—but the book had already moved on to a new subject.

out with the surgeon general—and with education for girls

IN 1994, A time when AIDS and teen pregnancy were high-profile social issues, U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders made the level-headed recommendation that American children should receive comprehensive age-appropriate sex education that includes information about masturbation. Her statements came under fierce attack and ultimately led to her forced resignation. In news commentary that week, TV host David Brinkley asked why “twelve-year-old boys should be taught skills they already have.”
Village Voice
columnist Richard Goldstein pointed out in response that if masturbation were discussed in school,
girls
would learn about it too. The potential to promote female sexual pleasure, he said, was exactly what made the subject so threatening to so many people.

One of my friends asked me what masturbation was freshman year. I remember being really surprised that she didn’t know, but in all honesty I wasn’t 100 percent clear about the details myself.

In middle school and high school I masturbated by insertion and I never achieved orgasm. It wasn’t until college that I discovered my clitoris and orgasm. I think this was all due to lack of information on the subject.

I wanted to masturbate but had no idea how to. It wasn’t until after I got to college and had the privacy of my own computer to find websites geared towards women who also didn’t know how. I was surprised to find that I wasn’t frigid and that I was quite good at it.

Anywhere from 10 to 30 percent of the women in our audiences say they didn’t masturbate as kids because they had no idea how to do it. Between 80 and 90 percent say they were told
nothing
about masturbation when they were growing up. Some figure things out on their own, or with the help of a friend, big sister, or book. Others reach young adulthood before they learn how to do it.

How do women do it? A
lot
of different ways! A woman might:

○Touch, rub, or stroke her clitoris, especially the shaft (see diagram on page 70), using one or two fingers. This is the most common way women masturbate.

○Use a vibrator to stimulate her clitoris (more on this in
chapter 7
).

○Touch, rub, stroke, or massage other parts of her genitals, like her labia, urethra, or anus.

○Use water to stimulate her clit: a handheld showerhead or the jet of water from a Jacuzzi or bathtub faucet.

○O Squeeze her thighs together.

○Insert a finger or fingers, sex toy, or another object in her vagina. O Caress, massage, or squeeze her breasts and/or nipples.

○Build up muscular tension by tightening muscles all over her body.

○Rub her clitoris against something, like a pillow, pile of covers, or piece of furniture.

○Fantasize by thinking about a story that turns her on, or imagining an image or memory that’s sexy to her.

Of course, women also mix and match, using different approaches in one self-lovin’ session, or playing different ways on different days. And some choose not to masturbate at all, which is okay, too.

I still don’t really masturbate
—
I’ve never gotten the hang of it. I do remember discovering that I could touch myself and that it felt good, but I’ve never been good at actually turning myself on or giving myself an orgasm.

I never took a negative stance toward masturbation because my mother encouraged exploration of one’s body, as long as it was behind closed doors. However, I also never took advantage of masturbation; it was simply something I wasn’t interested in.

Why is it so hard to find complete, illustrated, step-by-step “How To Masturbate” instructions for women? Mostly because there are so many different ways. A technique that makes one woman’s toes curl with ecstasy is likely to leave the next one limp with boredom. Sex researcher Shere Hite collected 3,000 women’s answers to her in-depth sex questionnaire, and women’s detailed descriptions of exactly how they get themselves off fill thirty-four fascinating pages of
The Hite Report.
If you’re a woman who’s never had an orgasm and you’re looking for tips, check out the next chapter.

The more educated a woman is, the more likely she is to masturbate.

changing your self-love technique

SOMETIMES WE HEAR from women who feel limited by their own masturbation technique. For instance, perhaps a woman first orgasmed by lying in bed on her belly, squeezing her thigh muscles tight and pressing against her mattress. That technique may have worked fine when she was eleven, but as an adult she might find it limits her ability to have orgasms from other kinds of stimulation. If she wants to be able to come from oral sex, or have an orgasm by rubbing her clit while she’s having intercourse, the lying-on-your-belly-thigh-squeezing technique may present some challenges.

Good news: It’s often possible for women to learn to masturbate and have orgasms in new ways. The process can be a little frustrating, because you basically have to teach your body that it can respond to other kinds of stimulation—even when you know full well you could get off fast and easily your old way.

I couldn’t get myself off with my hands for years, only with a vibrator. I finally taught myself when I was eighteen, and in the beginning it took a long time to orgasm. It was so frustrating and sometimes I’d quit before I came. Now I can get myself off with my hands in about five or six minutes and enjoy it a lot.

magic of ten game

WANT TO HAVE stronger orgasms, and be able to come in a wider variety of positions and situations? Here’s a fun game a woman can play all by herself that can help:

1
. Wait until you have some private time.

2
. Masturbate in your most common, reliable way. Get yourself almost to the brink of orgasm, but stop before you reach “the point of no return”–do
not
allow yourself to fall over that orgasmic edge. Count, “one.”

3
. Change to a new position. If you were lying on your back, try kneeling on your bed, or sitting up with your back against the wall. Start masturbating again. You will have lost some of your arousal, but not all. Get yourself almost to the brink of orgasm again. It’ll be a little more challenging this time, because you’re not accustomed to doing so in this position. Again, stop before you reach “the point of no return”–no orgasm allowed yet. That’s “two.”

4
. Change to a new position. You might lie on your side, or crouch doggie-style, resting on your knees and one forearm, using your head for support. You might try it with your legs closer together or farther apart than is your usual preference. Again, masturbate yourself almost to orgasm, but stop just before you get there. “Three.”

5
. Get yourself to that brink of orgasm ten times. You may find it helps to rest for a minute or two in between positions, to allow your level of arousal to fall back a bit before nudging it up again. On the tenth time, you’re allowed to go for it–
finally
!

6
. Enjoy an orgasm that will probably be particularly satisfying because of all that teasing. Longer buildups tend to result in bigger
orgasms. Plus, realizing your body has the potential to come in so many different positions can be liberating!

For advanced players:
Instead of just modifying your physical position, experiment with changing the type of stimulation each time. Try one finger instead of two, vertical strokes instead of horizontal, tapping instead of rubbing. Vary your typical speed or rhythm. Masturbate with various kinds of penetration, both fingers and other phallic objects. Warning: This is a lot harder, and some kinds of stimulation may not work for your body. That’s okay—you can also alternate between your reliable way of touching yourself and new approaches. Make up the rules as you go. The best part of this game is that you discover a little more about how your body responds each time you play. There’s no way to lose at a game that ends in orgasm!

To make this kind of change, start masturbating using your old technique. When you get pretty aroused, switch to a new technique that will allow you more orgasmic versatility. Stick with it even though it will take longer and may not feel as arousing right away—this may require some persistence. You’ll probably need to experiment a bit to figure out what feels best and how to make this new technique work for you, much like a woman who’s learning to have an orgasm for the first time. (Your advantage is that you’re starting with the confidence that comes with
knowing
your body is capable of having orgasms.) Make sure you orgasm using the new technique. If you’re having trouble staying sufficiently aroused, switch back briefly to your old technique to boost your arousal, but then bring yourself to orgasm the new way. Keep practicing even though it’ll take more time and might not feel like as much fun. Remember how many years you practiced your old technique, and be patient as your body learns this new way. (The books we recommend on page 89 also have helpful suggestions on this subject.) Approach this like an experiment: If it works, great, and it’s also fine if you decide to stick with your tried-and-true way of doing things.

paddling the pink canoe

WHY IS IT that guys can take their pick of about a hundred fun—if sometimes violent—slang phrases for male masturbation (jerking off, beating off, playing pocket pool, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey) but the English language leaves women so few choices? Luckily, female self-pleasuring wordsmiths have been hard at work inventing and collecting slang for the girls. Next time, women, take your pick from many options:

beating around the bush

beating the beaver

bushwhacking

buttering the muffin

buzzing off

caressing the kitty

checking the oil

churning the butter

clitorizing

coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp

dipping fingers in the honey pot

double-clicking the mouse