I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (9 page)

what’s a parent to do?

MANY PARENTS TELL us, “I don’t want to raise my daughter the way my parents raised me, but what am I supposed to do when she’s on the playground rubbing herself up and down on the swing-set pole?” (For parents with sons, the question is often, “What I am supposed to do when we have dinner guests and he’s walking around with both hands down his pants?”)

Experts recommend that parents tell their kids that touching oneself is something that’s okay to do, but it’s something to do in private, like in your bedroom or in the bathroom. Rather than yelling, “Get your hands out of there!” a parent can say to a child quietly, “I know it feels good to touch there, but that’s something people do in private. You can do it in your room later if you want to.” That way, parents teach their kids appropriate behavior without inadvertently sending the message that touching your own body is fundamentally wrong.

My mother explained to me what masturbation was when I brought it up. She told me that there was nothing wrong with it, that everyone does it at some point, and that I should enjoy the pleasure I can give myself.

When I was in about sixth grade, I told my mom about touching myself. I felt extremely guilty about it and I almost started to cry, fearing that I was doing something horribly wrong. She laughed a little bit and then told me there was nothing wrong with what I was doing, that it was perfectly natural and most people do it.

My mom always told me that the only way somebody will ever really please you sexually is if you know your body well enough to know what you like. So she encouraged masturbation. She bought me my first vibrator when I was sixteen.

Clearly, though, most women still grow up steeped in masturbation stigma. Because the subject is so forbidden, millions of women spend decades—or lifetimes—denied of basic knowledge about their own bodies and the pleasure that comes with it. Baby, it’s time to kiss this taboo goodbye!

WHAT’S THE EASIEST WAY FOR WOMEN TO HAVE ORGASMS?

Source: Answers of 555 women, survey conducted by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

eight lies you may have heard about masturbation

YOU’LL PROBABLY RECOGNIZE most of these as the falsehoods they are. Maybe some of them still make you nervous, though. All eight come up regularly from women in our audiences, who say they’re things they’ve heard, and often worried about. Let’s put these long-lived fictions to rest once and for all!

Lie #1

If women masturbate, they won’t be able to have an orgasm with a partner.

Truth:
The reverse is true: Studies find that in general, women who’ve had orgasms through masturbation are much more likely to have orgasms during partnered sex, and that those are more likely to be frequent and multiple. There are lots of reasons: A woman who’s comfortable touching her own body is more likely to know what feels good to her sexually. She’s less likely to be surprised by or afraid of the sensations as she nears orgasm. And she may be better able to let her partner know what she likes. Not only does masturbation pose no danger to your partnered sex life, it just might improve it.

Recently, my husband and I were having some issues in the bedroom. My mother asked if I had ever orgasmed with my husband. Unfortunately, my answer was no. She basically told me that he wouldn’t know how to pleasure me unless I knew what felt good. That way, I could take my educational experience and share it with him. It worked!

Lie #2

Masturbation will change the way a woman’s genitals look—and then everyone will know she’s been doing it.

Truth:
You can’t change the shape of your clitoris or labia (inner or outer vaginal lips) by masturbating with your hand, a vibrator, or anything else
(unless your technique involves sharp objects!). Think about it: If guys could lengthen their penis by pulling on it, the streets would be full of men whose pride and joy hung below their knees. It’s impossible for any doctor or lover to know if you masturbate by examining you. The only exception would be if your skin temporarily got red or irritated from rubbing, but you could see and feel the tenderness if that happened.

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”

–line from the movie
Annie Hall

Where did this myth come from? Many young women take a close look at their clitoris, labia, or some other part, notice something about it (“It’s big!” “It’s small! “It’s lopsided!”) and decide that this must be the result of touching themselves too much. It’s an understandable assumption, but it’s incorrect. A woman who masturbates by inserting an object into her vagina may change the shape of her hymen (vaginal tissue at the entrance to her vagina), particularly if she’s never had intercourse or used a tampon, but hymens start out looking so different that the state of your hymen doesn’t tell a doctor anything about you. A gynecologist can’t tell whether a stretched or torn hymen got that way from a tampon, finger, penis, sex toy, or just exercise—and frankly, probably doesn’t care.

The shape, size, and lopsidedness of your genitals have nothing to do with whether or how you touch them. In fact, like every other part of your body, they probably look a lot like your mom’s or grandma’s. (Now
there’s
a dinner table conversation starter!) For more on what women’s genitals look like, see pages 69–72.

Lie #3

Masturbation is only for single people.

Truth:
Yes, single people masturbate. So do people in relationships and people who are married. Lots of couples use their hands or fingers to stimulate each other’s genitals, or take turns by having one partner masturbate themselves while the other “helps” by caressing, kissing, licking, stroking, telling sexy stories, or otherwise further arousing the one doing the masturbating. Some find masturbation is a great way for a horny partner to get off without imposing on a partner who’s not in the mood. Even if they don’t masturbate
together, lots of partners do so when they’re apart—can you say, “long distance relationship”? One college student said that the only way she’s ever been able been able to come is while having phone sex with her boyfriend (and touching herself at the same time).

Lie #4

(or at least, not as clear-cut as you might think)

The Bible says masturbation is a sin.

Truth:
Bible experts are in disagreement on this one. Basically, there’s one Bible story that people usually point to as evidence that the Bible says masturbation is wrong, the story of Onan in Genesis 38:7–10. In the story, Onan’s brother dies. The law at the time (Biblical times, remember) requires Onan to have sex with his dead brother’s wife, in order to produce an heir for his brother. Onan refuses—instead, he “spills his seed on the ground.” For this offense, God strikes Onan dead. Yes, Onan was punished for a big-time crime, but most modern Bible scholars say his crime wasn’t masturbation, but his unwillingness to procreate with the widow. (The story even suggests that this may have been a case of “pulling out,” not masturbating.) Beyond that, many scholars say, the Bible says nothing specific about masturbation at all.

There is similar disagreement about how to interpret Buddhist, Muslim, and other Christian and Jewish scriptures and teachings about masturbation. Overall, two things are clear: First, female masturbation is rarely, if ever, mentioned in the sacred texts of any of these faiths. Second, many respected leaders within these religious traditions say masturbation is perfectly acceptable within their faith, at least in some circumstances.

Writer and poet Dorothy Parker is said to have joked that her parakeet was named Onan because he spilled his seed on the ground.

Lie #5

You can hurt yourself or damage your body by masturbating.

Truth:
Obviously, anything can be risky if you don’t use common sense. Case in point: masturbating while driving is dangerous, no matter how much it might liven up a boring car trip. We don’t recommend it. What you do in the backseat is, of course, your own business.

BIG O on the big screen:
Pleasantville

A TEENAGE DAUGHTER explains about sex, including the concept of masturbation, to her clueless 1950s mother. The mother tries masturbating for the first time in the bathtub that night. Her orgasm is so huge it sets a tree outside the house on fire.

As long as you’re sensible about it, masturbating is harmless. It doesn’t cause acne, hairy palms, blindness, or any of the gazillion other lies used to terrify children. (If blindness really were caused by masturbation, there would be an international epidemic of sight impairment.) Even the American Medical Association agrees: Their official statement declares that masturbation is “neither physically nor mentally harmful.”

Because masturbation involves some degree of friction, some women find their genitals can get irritated, particularly over long periods of
ménage à moi.
If you find this happening to you, try keeping things wet with saliva or lubricant (read more on lube on page 133).

Lie #6

A woman who masturbates will no longer be a virgin.

Truth:
Though people define “virginity” in different ways, one thing is certain: Losing your virginity requires a partner. Because masturbation doesn’t involve a partner, a woman can’t lose her virginity doing it, even if she puts fingers or a sex toy in her vagina. In fact, plenty of virgins masturbate. For some women who are choosing not to have intercourse, masturbation helps them satisfy their sexual urges. Besides, no one would ever tell a boy who masturbates that he’s no longer a virgin. Eighty-seven percent of female virgins who took our survey say they’ve masturbated.