I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (12 page)

I think I had a very definite impression of what orgasm was supposed to be and put pressure on myself to embody that image. Then I ran across an online article about female orgasm that emphasized that orgasm can take many different forms. I also finally internalized the idea that orgasm is not the end goal, and that as long as I feel satisfied by my sexual interactions (with or without orgasm), I shouldn’t feel disappointed. Incidentally, since then it’s been much easier to orgasm.

what if i’m one of those women who can’t have orgasms?

MANY PEOPLE HAVE heard the distressing claim, “There are some women who just can’t have orgasms.” As a result, women who’ve never had one sometimes worry that they might be one of these unfortunate women. While many studies have found that 5 to 10 percent of women have never had an orgasm, this statistic is misleading. Many of these women are young and haven’t learned how to have an orgasm
yet.
In
The Hite Report,
the majority of women who’d never had an orgasm were thirty or younger—which indicates that even women who didn’t used to be orgasmic often figure out how to come as they get older.

viagra for women?

SOME FRUSTRATED WOMEN muse about how nice it would be just to pop a pill for instant orgasms. Many find Viagra tempting. Unfortunately, research studies have conclusively found that Viagra doesn’t work for women. While Viagra increases blood flow to women’s genitals (as it does for men), this doesn’t result in higher levels of arousal. Some women who took Viagra in clinical trials did have more orgasms–the rate was the same as for women who were being given sugar pills they believed were Viagra. (The placebo affect is powerful!) While some doctors still prescribe Viagra to women, there’s no evidence that it’s worth taking.

I had three children before I ever had an orgasm. I was married, and we had a good sex life
—
I enjoyed sex a lot. It wasn’t until years later that I realized just how good it could get.

Some women are too uncomfortable with sexuality to learn to masturbate (the most surefire way for a woman to have a big O, and the easiest way to learn), buy a vibrator, or seek out a sex therapist. Some may be perfectly satisfied not having orgasms, and see no reason to pursue the matter. The percentage of women who would like to have an orgasm but are truly physically unable to is minuscule. Statistically speaking, it’s highly unlikely that you’re one of them.

For a long period of time, I was unable to have orgasms, even though I’d been able to have them before. I think much of the problem was psychological, in that I worried something might be wrong with me. I was more anxious about having an orgasm, and so it became harder and harder to relax when I did want to masturbate or have sex. It’s very easy to get yourself into a self-fulfilling prophecy like, “I can’t have an orgasm!” Then you try to masturbate or have sex, and don’t come, which reaffirms that you can’t have an orgasm. After many months of no orgasms at all, I found myself in a very low-pressure situation with a willing and eager partner, and I was able to have orgasms again.

unlikely orgasms

A SMALL BODY of research finds that many women are able to have orgasms even after accidents or surgeries that might have been assumed to make this impossible. For instance, many women whose clitorises have been partly or entirely removed during female circumcision (also called female genital mutilation) still have orgasms, some reporting that their breasts are now their most sexually arousing organ. Similarly, up to half of women with spinal cord injuries, whose bodies don’t transmit nerve impulses from below their injury, are able to experience and enjoy orgasms from genital stimulation, even though they can’t feel the touch that brings it on. While experts once told spinal cord injury survivors that the orgasms they claimed to experience were “all in your head” and “not real,” laboratory researchers have now confirmed that these women’s orgasms are as physiologically real as anyone else’s.

Rather than thinking about yourself as nonorgasmic, it’s helpful to think of yourself as preorgasmic—you almost certainly have the ability to have an orgasm, you just haven’t had one yet. You’re not allowed to declare, “I’m just one of those women who can’t have an orgasm” because chances are, you haven’t worked hard enough! If you read and try everything this chapter suggests, read the other books we recommend on page 89, and work with a sex therapist, and still no orgasms, well, then maybe you are one of those women. (There’s information about possible medical causes of the problem on page 84.) But until you’ve tried it all, banish the thought!

five steps to your first orgasm

READY TO GIVE it a try? You can do these activities at your own pace, definitely not all in one day. It’ll probably take at least a few weeks, and possibly a few months or longer, to work your way through them, depending on how often you work on it.

step one: start alone.

Most people in relationships have already done things that could lead to female orgasm: touching the clitoris, using fingers to stimulate the G-spot, oral sex, and possibly intercourse in various positions. If these haven’t already led to orgasm, and you’re ready to take on having an orgasm as an official project, it may be tempting to make it a joint one. Our best advice is to resist this temptation. That doesn’t mean you can’t have sex with your partner during the time you’re learning how to have an orgasm—just don’t make having an orgasm the focus of your time together.

If you’re a partner trying to figure out how you can help a preorgasmic girlfriend or wife, see “First Orgasm Tips for Partners” on page 87.

If you’re single, there’s zero reason to wait until you find a skilled lover to help you have your first orgasm. Start learning now—and then when that skilled lover comes your way, you’ll be ready for some incredible rock ’n’ rolling together!

Why do most women find it easier to master having an orgasm themselves first, and then add orgasms into their partnered sex life? Well, if you’re alone:

○You have total control over the stimulation, so you can make the tiniest adjustments to hit your most sensitive spots exactly right (a half-millimeter to the left, a smidge more pressure, etc.) without even thinking about it, and definitely without having to ask for it.

○You don’t have to wonder what your partner thinks if it’s taking a long time or worry if he or she yawns.

○You’ll be less likely to worry that your partner thinks you’re a failure, or is losing interest in Project O, if there’s no orgasm the first, third, or twenty-seventh time you try.

○You don’t have to fret about what your partner thinks of your body, whether you should be holding in your stomach, how recently you shaved your legs, or other thoughts that steal attention away from
enjoying
your body. (Hint: It is not easy to have an orgasm while sucking in your stomach.)

○You won’t be holding back out of concern about what you’ll look like, what sounds you’ll make, or what your partner will think when you’re having an orgasm.

○There’s no chance that a partner’s touch or words will be distracting at the wrong moment (this is possible even with the most caring, loving partner), since having an orgasm can sometimes require intense physical and mental concentration.

○You know you won’t be able to fool yourself by faking an orgasm.

When you’re with a partner after you’ve had some orgasms on your own, you’ll feel more confident and comfortable knowing exactly how it feels when you’re very close to coming, and how it feels to allow yourself to “fall over the edge” into an orgasm. As you practice, you’ll gain insights about what your body does and doesn’t respond to, which could be handy to share with a partner later.

Okay, so you’re alone. Choose times to work on this project when you won’t be interrupted. Lock the door and turn off your cell phone. Make yourself as comfortable as you can—you might put on sexy music, or start by taking a bath to relax.

“i deserve a treat!”

HAVE YOU EVER bought yourself a sweet treat, or taken yourself shopping? Being able to give yourself an orgasm is the ultimate treat. And hey, it’s free!

step two: befriend your vulva.

She’s always been there with you—it’s time you got to know one another.

Your vulva is your external genitalia, the parts you can see without looking inside your vagina. It helps to have a clearer sense of what’s there before you start asking these parts to help you have an orgasm. Take out a mirror, sit back so you’re resting on some pillows, set a light so you can see well, and take a look down there. You can prop the mirror up on a pillow, or hold it with your feet.

A lot of us got the idea that penises are beautiful, even something to be worshipped (what’s with all the phallic monuments?), but that female parts are ugly, gross, disgusting, and smelly. Give us a break! Be prepared to discover something beautiful between your legs. A lot of women are surprised to find that with the lips held apart, their vulva looks like a flower, a butterfly, a seashell, a heart, or an angel spreading her wings. Female genitals are incredibly diverse: some larger or smaller, symmetrical or lopsided, in all different shapes and intricately shaded browns, purples, and pinks. Would you recognize the face of your own vulva if you saw a photo of her?

Your outer lips, also called labia majora (the ones with hair on them—or where the hair used to be if you shaved it off) are easy to find. Locate your inner lips, too (these are also called the labia minora). It’s very common for some part of one or both inner lips to protrude outside the outer lips—either way (inner lips that stay hidden or friendly types that like to hang out) is totally normal. Do you have a neatly identical pair or a jaunty unmatched set? Both of those are normal, too. Your inner lips are part of the larger structure of your clitoris, and can be quite sensitive to touch.

My right labia minora is larger than my left one and I really thought this was ugly and unusual. It wasn’t until college that I really started realizing my vulva was completely normal and beautiful.

I have a large vagina with meaty outer lips and I used to be self-conscious about it. But once my ex went down on me the first time, he loved it so much I had no shame in my game anymore!

Growing up with Barbie’s genitals being a flat, labia-less crotch, it’s easy to see why most girls are paranoid about their vaginas.

Up at the top, sort of where your outer and inner lips come together, find the glans (or head) of your clitoris. The part you’ll see is like a bump—most are less than an inch long. You may need to pull back the hood of skin to make it visible.

porn alert

PORN IS MESSING with women’s concepts of what genitals are supposed to look like. Remember: The women who act in mainstream porn films and those whose photos are online are hired because they have a specific body type–and genital type–that producers and website owners think people want to see. The same way that porn flicks nearly always show guys with big penises and women with huge, often surgically-enhanced breasts, women’s vulvas in porn nearly always have the same basic “look.” The look includes having inner lips that are pink, symmetrical, and smaller than the outer lips, and shaved pubic hair. If wanna-be female performers’ genitals don’t have the “preferred” size and shape, they either don’t get the job, or they may get cosmetic surgery to change them.

Many women whose vulvas
don’t
look like the ones in porn worry that their bodies are abnormal or deformed. There’s even a growing industry of cosmetic surgery designed to make vulvas look more like the ones in porn, often by cutting off parts of women’s inner lips.

Don’t fall for it! Remember, porn may be entertaining for some people, but it’s rarely an accurate source of information about sex, bodies, or what’s “normal.” Your inner lips are part of your clitoris–some women find they’re even more sensitive than the head of their clit. Surgically altering their shape won’t help you have an orgasm. It may actually work against you, due to possible scar tissue and nerve damage caused by the surgery.

In porn, female genitalia look a LOT different than mine does. But now I realize that there’s nothing wrong with mine–it’s theirs that are different.

Growing up, I feared that my vulva and clitoris were too big and quite deformed. I used to watch porn to see if I was the only person who looked this way and I finally found a porn star who had a similar looking vag. It wasn’t until my junior year that I finally did real exploration and learned that my genitals are perfectly normal. I also learned that porn stars’ bodies are not the norm. It definitely made me more accepting and freer with my body. It helped me to enjoy vaginal and oral sex, too.