I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (13 page)

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THERE ARE TWO incredible books of art photographs of women’s vulvas: page after page of photos of different women’s genitals in every possible shape, size, and color. We promise the diversity of gorgeous girl parts will blow you away. How do we know? We tell our audiences we’ll have copies out on our table after our speaking engagements, and listen to the
“Wows!”
every time as crowds of friends gather ‘round the books. Get your hands on one of these:

•
Femalia,
edited by Joani Blank, has color photos

•
Petals,
by Nick Karras, has black and white photos

See if you can feel the shaft of the clitoris (like the shaft of a penis) above the head—it feels like a small cord underneath the skin. Your clitoris continues inside your body—the entire organ is about the same size as a penis, and has sensitivity throughout, but these external parts (glans and skin-covered shaft) are usually the most sensitive.

Find your vaginal opening, the start of that incredibly elastic, muscular organ. A vagina can squeeze tightly around a finger, or, with the right rush of hormones, expand its accordion-like folds to allow a baby to be born (and afterward, with the help of Kegel exercises, become toned enough to contract tightly again). To see exactly where your vagina is, you may want to wet your finger (licking it is the easiest way) and slide it inside an inch or so.

Just above your vagina see if you can see your urethral opening, the small hole where pee comes out. The skin just below your vagina is called the perineum. The hole below that is your anus.

I used to think all girl parts down there were gross, but since seeing
The Vagina Monologues
and really talking openly with friends in college, I love the vagina. It’s awesome
—
weird looking, I guess, but in a fantastic way.

step three: touch yourself experimentally. no goal!

Step three isn’t about having an orgasm. It’s a way to do an easy little science experiment on your own body. Your goal is to find out what kinds of touch feel best to you, and what places on your body are most sensitive. You’re especially interested in what kind of genital touching feels good.

Again, you want to be relaxed, so turn off the phone, put on some nice music, take a bath or shower if you want. Start by running your hands all over your body
in a way that feels good. Notice what areas feel nice to you. Caress your breasts and your nipples. Pay attention to the sensations.

After you’ve done this for a while, move your hand to your vulva (the external parts of your genitals, not inside your vagina). Touch around the different parts, noticing if there are any areas that feel particularly nice when you touch them. Many women find their inner lips and urethral opening can be very pleasurable to touch. Because the clitoris is the part that helps most women have orgasms, give it some particular attention. If you’re not sure where it is, look back at page 70. See how creative you can be: How many different ways can you find to touch your clit? With each one, just notice: Does this feel more sensitive, or less? Does it feel good? Which side feels better? Would it feel better with a slightly lighter touch, or slightly firmer? Try touching:

○Directly on the head (the tip) of your clitoris

○On the shaft rather than the tip

○On the left side

○On the right side

○Side to side

○Up and down

○In circles

○The shaft of your clitoris with a rolling motion under your finger

○With one finger

○With two fingers

○With tapping, massaging, stroking, and gentle pinching motions

○Any way you can think of!

Wet your fingers by putting them in your mouth, or adding some water-based lubricant, and then try touching some more. Does it feel better if your fingers are wet?

If a partner has brought you to orgasm before using his or her fingers but you’ve never been able to do it yourself, definitely experiment with touching yourself the way your partner does (or did). You can even imagine that it’s your partner touching you as you use your own fingers.

If you want to, try putting a finger inside your vagina and experimenting with different ways of doing that. Do you like the sensation? How does it feel if your finger moves? How about if you massage with your finger in different directions: up, down, left, right, at each different angle. Your anus also has lots of nerve endings—you can experiment with touching it, too, if you want.

Trying different speeds and pressure with my hand and moving around a lot helped me learn to have an orgasm. If one spot’s not working, skip it and move on. Kind of like the SATs.

I would say exploration and experimentation are the best things to do when learning how to have an orgasm. Try everything you hear or read about. If you explore, you’re bound to find something that satisfies you.

With each thing you do, just notice the sensations without judging yourself. If anything hurts or feels uncomfortable, stop doing that and try something else instead. You may feel very little at first, but pay attention to even the smallest sensations—they’ll grow with practice. Try not to let any preconceived notions about what you
should
be feeling, or what you wish you were feeling, get in the way. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and do more of the things that feel good.

I’ve found that turning my brain off and focusing on the pleasurable physical sensations makes a REALLY big difference. Sometimes this is easier to do than others. Being relaxed is also helpful.

step four: keep touching a few times each week. experience whatever happens. don’t give up!

Now that you’ve spent some time observing what kind of touch your body likes best, keep doing it! Try to have a self-pleasuring/self-exploration session at least a few times a week (every day is fine if you like), for twenty minutes to an hour each time. (You probably happily shop, instant message, or watch TV for that long a few times a week, if not daily; it’s a perfectly reasonable amount of time to spend
on something you enjoy.) Don’t worry about trying to have an orgasm—just keep touching in the ways that feel good to you. You might find that you want to touch harder or faster as you get more turned on—if so, do it! Don’t stress or worry about trying to make yourself have an orgasm, and don’t let yourself start analyzing or judging yourself. If an orgasm comes along, great, but if not, just enjoy the pleasurable sensations.

It’s a good idea sometimes to touch yourself with full awareness, paying close attention to the process. Some women find it also helps to touch themselves almost absentmindedly (when it’s appropriate—we’re not recommending you start doing it in the supermarket canned goods aisle!). You could touch your clit or your whole body while you’re alone watching TV or reading (whether or not what you’re reading or watching is sexy). Let it be something you do sometimes for no reason at all, just because it feels nice.

Definitely don’t stop doing these exercises, even if you’ve tried a few times and haven’t had an orgasm. It can take a while for your body to “wake up” and start appreciating the sensations, and it can take a while for you to fine-tune your technique. You may notice yourself getting aroused more on some days, less on other days. That’s fine. When you do get aroused, keep doing the things that got you to that place. You’re on the right track: Orgasms happen at the peak of arousal.

Don’t make having an orgasm a goal like trying to meet a productivity goal at work, where you work harder and harder and have less and less fun. Don’t think about orgasm while you’re doing these exercises—instead, think about whatever you find hot, and whatever feels good. Enjoy the journey!

been there, tried that didn’t like it

OKAY, SO YOU tried masturbating before and decided you didn’t like it. Don’t give up! The book
Tickle Your Fancy
wisely points out, “When you had sex for the first time, was it completely enjoyable? The first time you ate spinach or sushi, did you really like the taste?” Masturbation can be an acquired taste, and you’ll get better as you practice. Don’t write it off too fast.

Just do what feels good! I wish I had gone into it with a more “fun-oriented” mindset, rather than my systematic, goal-oriented, ‘’something’s-wrong-with-me-if-this-doesn’t-work” mindset.

step five: experiment with other things that can help boost your arousal.

○
Squeeze the muscles of your vagina.
These are the same muscles you use to do Kegel exercises (see page 26). Squeezing and relaxing them speeds up your arousal, and can help nudge you toward an orgasm. It’s another thing to experiment with while you touch yourself.

○
Move your hips.
Let them gyrate if it feels good. Move them up and back as you breathe and enjoy. Let your body move however it wants to.

○
Relax and breathe.
You’ll be able to feel more if you relax the muscles in your pelvis and genitals. Imagine breathing directly into your pelvis.

○
Make noise.
Let yourself sigh, moan, and make whatever noises you feel moved to make.

For a long time I was worried I would be loud and someone would hear me, and that held me back from having an orgasm. Being confident no one can hear me helped.

○
Use fantasy.
In our survey, 72 percent of orgasmic women said they fantasized always or often while they masturbated. By comparison, only 45 percent of women who masturbated but hadn’t yet had an orgasm said they always or often fantasized. Learning how to fantasize, or giving themselves permission to do so, is one of the most common things women say helped them learn to have an orgasm.
 Use your imagination to find those images and stories that are sexy to you. Let your mind drift over them. You can replay the same moment over and over if it turns you on, or follow a whole story in your mind, making yourself one of the people in the story. You can pretend that your own hands are someone else touching you. Your fantasies are private thoughts—no one else can ever know what they are unless you tell them. Don’t stress about whether your conscious, analytic mind “approves” of the stories, and don’t worry about whether you’d ever want to really do these things in real life. For now, they’re just thoughts that turn you on—nothing more, nothing less. Most women use fantasy when they want to
have an orgasm, especially when they’re alone, and often when they’re with a partner, as well. For more about fantasy, and figuring out what fantasies you like, see pages 30–31.

○
If you like, use stories, pictures, or movies.
If erotic stories, romance novels, sexy pictures, or X-rated movies arouse you, or the idea appeals to you, by all means, read or look at them while you touch yourself. If the idea turns you off, then don’t! Some women have a strong preference for written stories with no pictures. Some aren’t into stories or mainstream porn but like independent porn, porn made by feminist women, gay male porn, or European porn. Some don’t like any of it at all.

cousin’s advice

READING ABOUT HOW to do it is fun, but nothing beats hands-on experimentation. One woman told us that when she was a teenager, her slightly older cousin said to her, “You don’t masturbate? Girl, you’ve gotta learn how! Go home, feel around down there, and figure it out!” She did, and she told us she owes her first orgasm to her cousin’s encouragement.

Reading romance novels or something sexually stimulating is helpful prior to first touching myself. It helps me become aroused before masturbating.

○
Try using a vibrator.
Vibrators create a different, more intense kind of sensation than your own fingers. While not all women like how they feel, many women find using one is by far the easiest way for them to have an orgasm.

My first vibrator was a liberating experience. I had masturbated for most of my life, and had had several male sexual partners, but I never reached orgasm. My vibrator helped me take masturbation “over the top” and allowed me to finally fully release. In time, I learned to orgasm other ways and with a partner.

If the idea appeals to you, get yourself a vibrator! Read more about where to get one and how to use it in
chapter 7
.

○
Keep your clit wet.
A woman recently came up to Dorian
before
one of our educational programs. She was beaming. “I’m so excited to be here!” she said. “I just had my first orgasm this week, and I’d been trying to have one forever!” After congratulating her, Dorian asked what she had done that had made the difference. “I used lube,” the woman said. “You’ve got to tell people how much of a difference it makes to get things really good and wet.” So there you have it! Wet your fingers with saliva or lube at first. As you become aroused and your vagina lubricates, you may be able to dip your fingers down and bring your own wetness up to your clitoris.

get wet ’n’ wild