I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (7 page)

fantasy: imagination isn’t just for kids

OUR SURVEY FOUND that 63 percent of women fantasize at least some of the time while they’re being sexual with a partner, and 93 percent do so when
they’re masturbating, numbers that closely match other studies. Fantasizing is tapping into the power of whatever images or stories turn you on and help you reach those highest levels of arousal that launch orgasms. There’s nothing shameful about allowing yourself to put these images to use: Most women do! Because the mind is the biggest sex organ, as you’ve probably heard, it’s perfectly logical that you’d want to use yours to help you come. The movies you watch in your mind are private. No one ever has to know what they are unless you choose to share them.

Sexual fantasies are what keeps me in the mood most of the time. It’s so easy for me to stop being aroused. If I wish to continue, it’s almost pivotal for me to fantasize.

The most important thing I learned that helped me have orgasms was to be unashamed of my fantasies, even if they are sometimes socially taboo, and to be honest about sharing them with my partner. That freed my mind up quite a bit to really enjoy coming.

Fantasies don’t help me. I’ve tried to use this technique, but it doesn’t do it for me. I think I rely more on physical stimulation on my entire body than on images in my head or what I’m looking at in reality.

As a young teenager, Dorian had heard about fantasizing and, lying in bed one night, decided she’d try it. She imagined a huge bed, and spent some time mentally decorating the bedroom, imagining the silky sheets and luscious comforter. She pictured herself naked in the bed. (That’s how sex happens, right?) Then, she thought, I need a man. Searching her memory-banks for a sexy image of a man, what came to mind was a character who resembled all the princes in Disney movies: broad shoulders, chiseled jaw, sparkling smile. She imagined her personal Disney prince walking over to the bed, and then the fantasy stalled. She didn’t know what she wanted to have happen next, and she wasn’t feeling turned on
at all.
Of course not: It wasn’t a real sexual fantasy, just a weird fusion of too many Disney cartoons and interior design catalogs.

Some women know exactly what fantasies turn them on, or might replay the memory of a favorite sexual interlude or a movie scene that made them wet. If
you’re coming up empty-handed in your search for fantasies, one easy source of ideas is erotica, stories written to arouse. For this purpose, we recommend stories rather than pictures or movies, because they engage your imagination and allow you to create your own mental images. There are fantastic books of erotica, but if you’re trying to figure out what you like, nothing is faster and easier than going online to the many free erotica sites. These have thousands of stories divided into categories, including the predictable and others you wouldn’t imagine in your wildest dreams. Skimming a few in each category can be fascinating, because some will summon your inner “ick!” while others intrigue you. Take note of those stories that get the blood throbbing, the ones that really absorb you. Soon, you’ll get a sense of what genres you like and which details grab you. When you’re being sexual later, replay them in your mind, using your own imagination to tweak the plot or improve the characters. Before long, you’ll be fantasizing like a champion!

I watch or read sex stories, then fantasize about my sex partner doing those things to me. It’s helped me figure out what I like and don’t like.

I figured out my fantasies by hearing about different fantasies of other people, and whichever turned me on the most and sounded like something I would try became a fantasy of my own. I may have modified them a bit, because of what I already know I do and don’t like.

I figured out what I liked from pornography, and I often play one particular scene in my head when I’m with or without a partner.

No one knows why specific thoughts or stories arouse specific people. Some fantasies that turn you on may be things you’d like to act out someday, especially if the situation were right and you had a partner you particularly trusted. Other fantasies that get you going may involve situations your analytic mind finds downright problematic or offensive, that you never, ever want to have happen in the real world. For example, numerous studies find it’s quite common for women to fantasize about being overpowered and forced to have sex; some research even finds it’s among the most common sexual fantasies for women.

Obviously, it can be disturbing to be aroused by a rape scenario, since no one wants to have sex against her will in real life. Many researchers and women themselves point out that a sexual fantasy is definitely
not
the same thing as a sexual desire. Just because a woman finds it sexy to imagine a given scene does
not
mean she ever wants this scene to come true. In fact, there are huge differences: In a fantasy (even a fantasy of being forced to do something), the woman is actually in total control. She creates the imaginary situation and decides exactly what will happen and when it will end. Exactly the opposite is true in a real-world rape, where a woman is powerless and is definitely not controlling what happens to her. Many women say understanding this difference has helped them sort out the confusing feelings that can arise if these are the fantasies that turn them on, and give themselves permission to use the fantasies that work for them. Of course, if you’re concerned that you may act on a fantasy that could be dangerous to yourself or others, it may be wise to turn your imagination down a different path. You can seek professional help if that’s too hard to do on your own.

According to the Kinsey and Hite reports, 1 to 2 percent of women can have an orgasm from fantasy alone, with no genital stimulation at all. Lucky girls!

The universe of sexual fantasies is limitless. Here are just a few examples that women shared on our survey:

I fantasize about being with my partner. He turns me on so much, I just think about the times we’ve been together. Sometimes I throw Brad Pitt in it, too.

If I fantasize about being an exotic dancer, I can dress and act accordingly, which I’ve found to improve my libido and hunger for sex. It may be the excitement of trying something new or putting away conventional and shameful beliefs about having sex that allows me to enjoy it more. I feel as though if I’m someone else, I can shamelessly flaunt my passion and desire for sex.

I usually think about a penis inside of me (especially my partner’s) and not just during masturbation. I think about it even while the penis is inside of me. I think it just turns me on so much quicker. I don’t know why; it just works for me. I don’t have any other image. I just solely focus on the penis.

I consider myself straight, but I almost always fantasize about women going down on me. I just find women’s bodies so hot! I want to be in a long-term relationship with a man, but women are beautiful and exciting, as well. It could also be that I’ve never hooked up with a girl before, which makes it even more forbidden and exciting.

One of the things that I fantasize about (which is difficult for me as a feminist, especially a sex-positive feminist) is rape. Sometimes I find it incredibly arousing. I’m almost certain it’s the power thing that turns me on. In my fantasies I see the survivor/victim (which is usually me) as powerful because of my sexual prowess, and the rapist as completely unable to control himself. I know that this is nothing like rape in real life, and when I think about actually being raped I’m completely terrified.

I enjoy thinking about guys I would never have sex with, like professors, celebrities, friends, old friends, neighbors.

Many women who fantasize while they masturbate aren’t sure about the etiquette of doing so while they’re with a partner. We believe that doing so is fine, quite common, and another way to increase the likelihood of an orgasm. Because fantasizing happens only inside your own head, it’s not cheating, as some worry, but harnessing the erotic power of your mind. (Women should remember, too, that many partners fantasize during every sexual encounter, keep their thoughts private, and never think twice about it.) The best kinds of fantasies during partnered sex are often blended, where you mentally integrate your partner’s caresses or strength into the story, so the real-life sex and fantasy sex merge. It’s up to you whether you choose to share the fact that you were fantasizing, or the details, with your partner. Talking about or acting out a fantasy with a partner you trust can build intimacy—not to mention being totally sexy. In fact, the powerhouse combination of fantasy and masturbation is why some people—especially those in long-distance relationships—swear by phone sex.

My boyfriend is away a lot, so I have to imagine what I would be doing with him. That usually leads to more than just imagining. Also, we’ll talk about our fantasies together and that will give us ideas of what to do or even cause us to both want to jump on each other right then.

My girlfriend and I are aware that we each fantasize during sex. We talk each other through scenarios. They help me orgasm. I’ve always had difficulty orgasming from pure physical stimulation.

clitoral tips for partners

AS A WOMAN’S partner, just locating her clitoris and rubbing merrily away isn’t going to do the trick. Whether you’re using your fingers, your tongue, a vibrator, or something else, here are a few tips:

○Don’t reach for her clit too early in the sexual interaction. Many women find their clitoris likes to be touched only after they’re somewhat aroused.

Don’t jump right in. Touch her somewhere else first and move in on her genitals gradually. If your hands are really dry, lick your fingers first.

When a finger goes directly to my clitoris, I sort of jump because it hurts. Don’t go straight for the clit, and once you get to the clit, don’t ignore the rest of the vulva area. It feels really good to have the rest of it stroked, too.

○Cut your nails, especially the one or two most likely to be touching her genitals. Being touched by a partner with long or dirty nails can be uncomfortable, painful, or downright gross.

○Start gently. Touch and stroke her vaginal lips. Slowly work your way inside. Once you’re touching her clitoris, remember, this is an exquisitely sensitive organ. Being “gentle” and “soft” were the most common pieces
of advice women in our survey gave partners about how to touch their genitals. You can start up at the top of the shaft, just under the bone, and move down closer to the head if she wants you to. She may want firmer pressure, but ask her about that or follow her lead. (“More, harder!” is a much better response than “Ow!”)

I think genitals and gentle go hand in hand. Being a little rough is okay, but sometimes a partner tries too hard to stimulate you and it actually hurts. There’s something to be said about passionate, gentle lovemaking. It can be just as erotic as kinky, wild, crazy, rough, hard sex.

Be very gentle unless you know she likes it rough! Some men can go at it too hard, too fast, and it just hurts. Once a woman is wet and hot it’s usually appropriate to go faster.

○She may love to be touched gently through her pants or panties before she’s ready for more direct stimulation.

Stroking genitals firmly through clothing, especially tight jeans, can feel quite good. You want to do enough exterior stuff to make sure a woman is aroused before you move to penetration of any kind.

Try touching around the area or put a clothing article between your hand and her body (silk scarves are VERY effective).

○Some women find it helpful to break down clitoral touching into three key components:
directness, pressure,
and
speed.
These can be helpful for couple communication, whether you’re the one asking for feedback or the one giving directions. You can check in about whether she wants her clitoris touched right on the tip versus the shaft or farther away (directness), how hard she wants the stimulation to be (pressure), and how fast she wants the movement to be (speed).

○Keep it wet. Once you’ve got skin-to-skin contact, lick your fingers, add lube, or dip into her vagina’s wetness to wet and rewet her clit.

Don’t just dive in for the clit; work the area around it, as well. Oh, and lubricate. Either remember to use artificial lube, or bring juices up from her vagina.

○Invite her to move your hand where she wants it, or rest your hand over hers so you can get the hang of the movements she likes. If she’ll let you watch her masturbate, that’s a great way to see how she likes to be touched.

Ask your partner to use your hand to stimulate themselves for at least a few minutes. Often I need speeds or pressures to change during the entire process in order to climax. This way, you know what kind of pressure and speed to use, and you know what I’m talking about when I tell you to speed up or change pressures.

I’ve watched my partner masturbate
—
it was very helpful to me. It allowed me to see which part of her vaginal area she touched the most and how she touched it. It allowed me to see how many fingers she likes inside of her. Really watching her do it was a turn-on as well as an educational experience. And after watching, I could imitate the things she did to herself and she knew I had paid attention. (And there’s nothing women like more than knowing someone is paying attention to them, right?)