I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (16 page)

cunnilingus is nothing new

ORAL SEX’S POPULARITY just keeps growing, but it’s not a new invention. The Moche civilization, which existed from 300 BC to 1000 AD in what is today northern Peru, depicted on their pottery women receiving oral sex. (“Mrs. Johnson, would you like your tea in the mug with the tiger or the one with the cunnilingus?”) Similar ancient erotic art exists in Japan, China, and India.

Those who refer to oral sex as an “unnatural act” might be surprised to learn that many species also perform cunnilingus on each other, including chimpanzees, gorillas, squirrel monkeys, dolphins, red deer, moose, cheetahs, black and grizzly bears, bats, and even the humble hedgehog. For some species, oral sex is primarily a “lesbian” activity done by two females; in others males are just as likely to be the lickers.

UNLESS A WOMAN is a contortionist or a superbly flexible gymnast, oral sex offers her partner a closer view of her genitals than she’s ever gotten herself. And it’s not just the view: Partners get to touch, smell, and taste. Some women squirm uncomfortably at the very thought of what the experience might be like “down there” for a partner. As one woman wrote on our survey, “It’s dark!”

It’s not surprising that many women are shy, if not profoundly uneasy, about letting a partner get too close to their private parts. Our culture doesn’t offer women much support in the vulva self-esteem department. As we’ve discussed earlier, many girls grew up surrounded by messages that their genitals are dirty and shameful. Middle school slurs describe vulvas and vaginas as tasting “fishy,” and slang like “carpet munching” makes oral sex on a woman sound about as appealing as chewing on a doormat. Douche commercials sell the idea that women need to buy their products because their genitals are frequently “not so fresh,” planting more suspicion for women that their genitals must be an unpleasant place to spend time. The few places that women get to see what female genitals
look like—porn and textbook line drawings—generally fail to show the vibrant diversity of colors, shapes, and sizes that are healthy and normal for girl parts.

In reality, most women who are terrified of how they taste or smell are basing their feelings on fear rather than experience. If this describes you, you can do a reality check: Put your finger down there, bring it up to your nose and mouth, and experience it for yourself.

I tasted my own stuff, just to see what I was subjecting others to, and realized it’s not bad at all!

Va-jay-jays do have their own smell that’s unique to each person, just like the variation in the scents of lovers’ skin, hair, mouth, and male genitals. But the smell of a woman’s vulva isn’t necessarily a bad one—in fact, a lot of people say it grows on them over time. The pH of a healthy vagina is about the same as a glass of red wine, and like wine, it can be an acquired taste. Many women report that their feelings about their taste or smell changed when they saw a partner unbothered by it—or totally turned on. Indeed, several recent research studies reported that most men say it’s pleasurable to go down on a woman (and while we haven’t found research on what lesbians have to say on the matter, we’d dare to guess most of them agree).

I was
so
scared the first time. And I still am now. I constantly asked
—
or rather bugged
—
my partner whether he liked what he was doing. Or if he was sure. Although I wanted him to do it very much, I was scared that I was too smelly there. I asked him if he was doing it for my pleasure alone, or if he enjoyed it as well, and he reassured me that he loved it, and, in fact, it smelled great and tasted great. I don’t think I fully believe him yet!

I had concerns until my current partner assured me that he loved the way I looked, smelled, and tasted, and that he loved giving me oral sex. Then I stopped being self-conscious and just let myself feel good.

My fiancé has told me he LOVES the way I smell and taste. He said if he didn’t like it down there he wouldn’t want to visit it so often!

Women’s juices usually taste and smell different at different times in their menstrual cycle. Partners may notice differences just before a woman’s period, just after it, and, if she’s not on hormonal birth control, around ovulation. You might see if there are times of the month your partner particularly enjoys your taste or would prefer to avoid, and plan your oral interludes accordingly. Also, while women do taste different from each other and frequently come up with theories about how this is affected by what they eat or drink, most women who
try
to change their taste by eating large amounts of some food (pineapple is the most famous one) haven’t found much, if any, change. Many partners have commented, however, that smokers have a noticeably bitter taste.

tips for boosting your oral sex self-esteem

1. Shower before sex.
Showering before a date or before you expect to be in a sexual situation is generally good etiquette, given that most people aren’t fans of armpit odor, either. That said, many people are far more worried about the way their own body smells than they need to be, and most couples don’t feel the need to run to the shower every time sex is on the horizon. Among the many benefits of having a partner you trust and have built a rapport with is that you can rely on each other to suggest a quick break for both of you to brush your teeth or hop in the shower together.

I want to be clean and tasty for my partner, so sometimes I suggest a shower as foreplay. That way we’re both clean and we get to spend time together naked before we’re actually in bed. And sometimes we never make it to bed!

2. Stay clean in vagina-friendly ways.
A normal vagina is slightly acidic on the pH scale (and you thought that chemistry class would be irrelevant to your life!), which helps it fight disease-causing bacteria and keep cervical cells healthy. Soap, on the other hand, is alkaline, so washing inside a vagina with soap throws off the balance and can even make it smell worse. Vaginas clean themselves constantly, sort of like eyes—they’re generally better off if you let them do their own thing and only wash around the outside. All the vagina-owner needs to do is rinse the vulva (the outside parts) and entrance to the vagina gently with warm water. If you feel you absolutely must use soap, choose something very mild, without dyes or perfumes, or a soap that advertises itself as having a low pH.
 Along the same lines, vaginas definitely do not like douching (spraying water or fluids into them). Unless you have a medical problem for which douching is a treatment, skip them. Douches disturb the normal pH levels and can spread infections, potentially leading to pelvic inflammatory disease or bacterial vaginosis. Your vagina wasn’t designed to smell like a plug-in air freshener, and your partner isn’t expecting it to.

president goes down on intern: the headline that didn’t quite happen

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON’S affair with intern Monica Lewinsky sparked a national debate about whether oral sex counts as sex, and whether, therefore, the Commander in Chief was lying when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” The
Starr Report,
the most scintillating government-produced document in history, revealed that although their relationship involved plenty of oral for the big boss, the day Bill talked about reciprocating on Monica, she turned him down because she had her period. Talk about bad timing!

3. Plastic wrap isn’t just for leftovers anymore.
On page 268, we write about using dental dams or plastic wrap for STI prevention. A bonus feature of plastic wrap is that it blocks out tastes and smells. If you’re feeling self-conscious, your partner is having a hard time coping, or you’re at the beginning or end of your period and prefer to have a barrier in place, a nice, long sheet of plastic wrap may be just what you need to receive the
benefits of an enthusiastic tongue while sidestepping the issue of taste and smell. For added sensation, add a few drops of lube on the vulva side of a dental dam or sheet of plastic wrap.

4. Get beyond the awkwardness.
Do you identify with these women’s comments?

For a while I wouldn’t let my partner give me oral sex. I felt all vulnerable lying there naked alone while he was off exploring part of me that I wasn’t comfortable with yet myself.

I’ve felt nervous and uncomfortable to the point of pushing guys away and saying, “Oh, you don’t have to do that.” They take what I say to mean that I don’t want them to, or probably that they’re doing a bad job. Then everyone just gets humiliated and uncomfortable. Really, I guess I’m probably hoping they’ll say, “No, I really want to,” and keep at it. Maybe it’s all just a process of looking for confirmation that in fact I’m not gross, smelly, taking too long, etc.

I don’t like partners to give me oral sex with bright lights on, and sometimes I put my hands on my stomach, because I feel chubby.

If you recognize these thoughts and emotions, you’re definitely not alone. Here are some things to try:

○Think about how early sexual experiences may have affected you. How your first few partners treated you and reacted to your body can have a huge impact, particularly if they said negative or disparaging things, since you had no basis for comparison yet. Experiences like sexual abuse or assault can add to the challenges.

The first person who ever went down on me told me that I smelled funny and tasted funny. It took me a long time to get over feeling self-conscious as a result of that experience. Luckily I had another partner who told me how much he loved how I tasted and smelled and was so enthusiastic about giving me oral sex that I was able to start feeling sexy about receiving it.

If a past partner has been critical of your body, remind yourself that his or her comments were rude, and that many partners are likely to feel very differently!

○Don’t expect perfection. One woman passed along to us the advice she gave to a friend who’d given her boyfriend oral sex but was too self-conscious to receive it: “Think about the male genitals—they’re not exactly pretty, either.” Remember that sex in the real world will never be the picture-perfect acts and bodies you see on TV. In television sex, romance novels, movies, and porn, no one ever farts or queefs (that’s when air “farts” out the vagina—charming!), people never accidentally elbow their partners in the head while changing positions, and no one ever has to pause to extract a pubic hair from his or her teeth. In real life these things happen. No biggie. You’re not expected to be Ms. or Mr. Perfect in bed.

when to call the doc

GET YOUR VAGINA checked out by your doctor or a local health clinic if it has:

• a distinctly bad odor that doesn’t go away,

• an unusual vaginal discharge (all vaginas have normal vaginal secretions that change throughout the menstrual cycle–you want to pay attention to something that’s different or smells particularly bad),

• or an itching or burning sensation.

These could be the symptoms of a yeast infection, a sexually transmitted infection (STI), or something else that requires medical attention. Some clinics, including many Planned Parenthood centers, provide services on a sliding scale based on income. For information on preventing STIs, see
chapter 11
.

I’ve learned to be more confident and proud of my body. I’ve realized that a lot of the concerns I had aren’t shared by my partners! Sex can be fun, great, fantastic, mind-blowing even. It can also be messy, smelly, sweaty, and awkward. Relax and go with it! It’s worth it in the end, right?

○
Read the body image and “Befriend Your Vulva” sections in
chapter 3
. Figure out what it would take you for you to feel more comfortable with yourself. The book
Femalia
is a cool way to see how many different ways vulvas can look, and will give you a clear picture of how yours fits in with the diversity.

5. It’s okay to say no.
You don’t have to like oral sex. If you’re just not that into it, it’s fine to say, “No, thanks.” Your feelings may change over time, as you become more experienced sexually or have different partners with different attitudes or techniques. Or they may not, and that’s perfectly fine, too. Oral sex is one option among many, and there are plenty of people who prefer other activities instead.

6. Ask for it.
The flip side of “It’s okay to say no” is “It’s okay to ask for what you want!” Asking for something sexual can take courage, but it usually works to your advantage (this goes for every sexual act under the sun, not just oral sex). Think about it:

○The worst case scenario is that you ask, and your partner says he or she would rather not. While that would be disappointing, you haven’t lost any ground; you ended up just where you started out.

○Think about times your partner has asked you for something he or she wanted sexually and you agreed. There’s a good chance you enjoyed getting your partner off or intensifying his or her pleasure. There’s a chance he or she shares your interest in oral sex but is too shy to go for it, too insecure about his or her skills, or unsure about how to bring it up.

○Partners aren’t mind-readers. Unless you’ve discussed the issue before, it’s unfair to assume that your partner doesn’t go down on you because he or she doesn’t like it. It’s possible that he forgot about it because he’s doing things “the usual way,” or she doesn’t realize how much you enjoy it.