I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (17 page)

○Just as you have the right to ask, your partner has the right to say no, or make a modified proposal (“How about we do that this
weekend when we both have time to shower first?”). Asking isn’t forcing your partner to do something he or she doesn’t want to do.

I know my girlfriend won’t go down on me unless she wants to. And if she’s not enjoying it, she’ll stop and use her hands
—
which is fine with me. It’s good to know she doesn’t feel like she has to.

If you’re trying to find the right words to ask, here are some to try on for size:

○
How about we trade? I’ll do you, you do me.

○
How do you feel about going down on women? It’s one of my favorite things.

○
We haven’t done oral sex on me in a while
—
would you be up for it?

○
I was just thinking about that other time when you ate me out
—
that orgasm was incredible. Would you be in the mood to do it again?

○
I’d love it if you’d go down on me.

BIG O on the big screen:
American Pie

IN THIS POPULAR coming-of-age flick about a group of high school guys hoping to lose their virginity, one guy goes down on his girlfriend in her bedroom. He secretly refers to a “Sex Bible,” a compendium of handwritten sex advice passed down from high school classmates. As the girl’s father approaches her bedroom door to tell her dinner is ready—nearly unknowingly walking in on the couple—he hears his daughter say, “I’m coming, I’m coming!” as she has her first orgasm. Her dad shrugs and heads back toward the kitchen, assuming she’s “coming” to dinner.

69:
the fantasy (usually) exceeds the reality

SIXTY-NINE IS one of the most famous numbers on earth, because it’s the slang name for the act of two people simultaneously performing oral sex on each other. The numbers sort of represent the shapes of the two bodies facing each other side by side, one right-side up, one upside down. The appeal, of course, is the potential to receive pleasure at the same time, not usually possible with oral sex. Plus, 69 keeps you close together, making it perhaps a more intimate position than most approaches to oral sex.

We’d never heard of anyone doing a 69 survey before, but we figured the time was long overdue. Our findings confirmed our suspicions:

○Most people have tried it (or want to).

○Most people (though certainly not all) conclude that it’s better in theory than in practice.

Sixty-nine is the ultimate in multitasking. Em and Lo, the authors
of Nerve’s Guide to Sex Etiquette,
put it best when they wrote, “Developing a rhythm [during 69] requires the coordination of a Cirque du Soleil performer, the patience of a Buddhist monk, and the motor skills of a bonobo ape. To say nothing of the concentration skills required.” Here’s what typical 69 critics had to say on our survey:

I’m afraid if he does something that feels particularly good, I’ll accidentally bite him.

I hate 69. It’s physically awkward (I’m very petite and my partners have generally been very tall) and I find it too distracting. I’m working too hard at what I’m doing to enjoy what I’m getting, but I can’t entirely ignore what I’m getting in order to focus 100 percent on what I’m doing!

It’s difficult to say, “Harder,” or “Gentler,” or “Up a bit” when one has a mouthful of cock.

69 is like communism. It’s fair, it’s equal, and it doesn’t work.

But the act does have its share of fans. Men seem to be a bit more enthusiastic about 69 than women overall, perhaps because women are more likely to find they need honed concentration to be able to have an orgasm. These comments are all from women in the pro-69 camp, though:

Most of the time I like it because I like how my partner’s pleasure contributes to my pleasure and vice versa. The first time I ever experienced simultaneous orgasm with a partner was in this position.

I love it! I like it because it prevents me from fully concentrating on myself and what’s happening between my legs
—
it’s distracting in a good way. I also really like giving head
—
it turns me on and turning on a partner is really hot. Sometimes it can be frustrating if my partner stops giving me head because it gets too distracting for him. I come more easily from this than anything except masturbation, I think.

I’ve tried it before with men, and with the female partner I’m currently with. With men, it’s pretty awkward if the woman is ever on the bottom because she has a hard time controlling how far the penis is going into her mouth. Doing the 69 position with another woman is absolutely amazing. It allows one to grind and to sort of tease. INCREDIBLE!

If you’re going to try it, keep in mind that there are two possible positions for 69-ing: side by side and top/bottom. In the top/bottom position, many women with male partners have strong opinions about whether they prefer to be on the bottom (where they can relax, possibly more like the way they usually receive oral sex) or on top (where they can control how deeply their partner’s penis goes into their mouth). Side by side, both partners can relax more, and there’s less of a feeling of having your partner’s anus too close to your nose, but the angle of stimulation can be trickier.

Think-outside-the-box 69-ers point out there’s no law that says both people have to use their mouths the whole time. Some prefer modifications where the two
partners take turns, alternating their oral attentions back and forth, or where one person uses manual stimulation while the other does oral. For instance, some women find it easier to give a hand job while they receive oral sex, which gives their partners a chance to receive more genital pleasure than they normally would while going down.

oral sex tips for partners (how to be a cunning linguist)

THE PREREQUISITES TO giving great oral sex are a positive attitude, a willingness to try and to learn, and a reasonable amount of patience. If you’ve got all three, you’re well along the treasure trail already. Let’s take a closer look:

1
.
A positive attitude.
More important than whether your tongue flicks side to side, up and down, or turns backflips is whether your partner gets the sense that you enjoy—or at least are
absolutely
comfortable with—going down on her. If you get suited up with goggles and a snorkel, we guarantee she won’t let you stay down there for long (and she definitely won’t be having any orgasms). The number one thing that helps a woman relax, which she needs to do to be able to enjoy what you’re doing down there, is knowing that you want to pleasure her this way, don’t see this as punishment, and maybe even (gasp!) enjoy it yourself. If you like licking her labia, by all means let her know! If it turns you on, don’t keep that a secret. If you think the color or shape of her vulva is beautiful, say so. And if you enjoy her taste or scent, or just the way you can feel or hear the pleasure run through her, tell her that, too.

 My partner assured me that he liked the taste and smell. We also explored the way it looked together with a mirror. Doing that really helped me feel at ease about myself and helped us bond.

That doesn’t mean you should lie to her if these things
aren’t
true for you—most people have pretty good b.s.-meters, and if she gets the sense
she’s being fed falsehoods, that could backfire big time. If taste or smell is a challenge for you, check out some of the tips earlier in this chapter.

2
.
A willingness to try and to learn.
This is easy enough: You let your partner know that you’re willing, you initiate oral sex on her sometimes, you experiment and ask her for tips and feedback. This doesn’t mean you go down on her if she doesn’t want you to. But your positive attitude makes a huge difference here. On our survey, one of the most common pieces of advice women gave about oral sex was to pay closer attention to the cues the woman sends: her moans, movements, and suggestions.

Tell your partner before you begin, “I want you to tell me what you need. Tell me if you want faster or slower, etc.” If a partner does this in a serious tone, the woman is likely to feel safe and comfortable giving instructions.

Make it all about the girl, listen to her body language and you’ll know what she likes. Moans and hip movements mean that she wants more. So give it to her!

 To be fair, the woman should remember to let her partner know how it feels to her, to avoid the problem this man described:

I usually feel very unsure about “how things are going” while I’m performing oral sex, whether the act has become monotonous or if the woman is enjoying it. I often feel like I have no idea if I’m actually producing pleasure.

3
.
A reasonable amount of patience.
As you know, on average it takes a woman longer to have an orgasm than a man. For male-female couples, intercourse leaves many men struggling against fate, doing everything in their power not to come too quickly. Cunnilingus doesn’t have that same pressure—theoretically, it can last until the receiving partner is satisfied, as long as the giving partner still has the strength to lift his or her tongue.
 
This removes one pressure but creates a new one. The giving partner may be eager to get his or her own turn at receiving pleasure, not only giving it. (While some people find giving oral sex totally sexy, it’s a rare partner who can get off this way without some added genital stimulation.) Some men are notorious for paying lip service to oral sex but ultimately not spending enough time down there. A few licks of the clit, and
BAM!,
he’s back up, ready for intercourse or something else that’s going to give
him
an orgasm.
 Women repeatedly say that their favorite cunning linguists are the ones who make clear they’re willing to spend as much time as the women need. This message can be communicated in gentle reassurances (“I’m in no rush,” “We’ve got lots of time,” “I’m happy to keep going as long as you want”). Or it can be communicated nonverbally, with enthusiastic oral sex until the woman comes (or says she’s had enough), no matter how long it takes.

My partner asks, “Did you?” way too often. Just keep going and don’t worry. I’ll tell you when I’m done!

I’ve often been concerned about how long it takes me to reach orgasm, especially the first few times with a new partner. Once, after many unsuccessful attempts with a then-boyfriend, I expressed this concern. He reassured me that it doesn’t matter how long it takes, that he can go for a very long time without getting tired. The next time we tried oral sex, having been relieved of that concern, I was able to have my first orgasm with him.