I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (15 page)

On medication, her graph might look flatter, with fewer peaks, and the peaks of sexual interest she does have may be less intense. Still, she
will
have some mild peaks. Over the period of a few days or a week, notice when you have tiny up-ticks in sexual interest—write it down if that would help you remember. Then start looking for patterns. Do you tend to have your most sexual thoughts in the mornings, or at night? In the middle of your menstrual cycle, or just before or after your period? Is there some visual trigger during the day that creates the littlest spark? Rather than feeling sorry for the ravenous urges you know you’re
not
feeling, find ways to catch your little peaks and ride them for all they’re worth. Vibrators can also be particularly useful for women with decreased sensitivity.

While these approaches help some people some of the time, others choose to make peace with their lack of orgasms. Cuddling, sensual touch, massage, and other kinds of physical intimacy can be extremely pleasurable without an orgasm, and these shift the focus from what you’re
not
feeling to the joy of the sensation you do feel.

troubleshooting:

wimpy orgasms

I have orgasms, but they’re so little and pathetic. How can I have orgasms with “POW!”?

KEGEL EXERCISES (page 26) are the key to bigger, better orgasms–with comic book “POW!”, as one woman described them. Get the muscles of your vagina in shape, and they’ll be able to contract more intensely during your orgasms, resulting in more sensation for you. Avoiding quickies, and instead spending more time with long buildups (as in the game on page 55) can also give you bigger blast-offs.

orgasms with a partner

ONCE YOU’VE HAD some orgasms on your own, if you’re in a relationship you may be raring to have them while you’re together. Your knowledge that your body is
fully capable of coming should give you a confidence boost, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to have an orgasm with a partner. It may take a while to learn how to come now that you’re adding on the challenges (and sometimes fun) of:

○having someone looking at you

○having your body touched or stimulated in ways you’re not controlling

○having more going on in your head. Should I be pleasuring my partner? What does he/she think? Am I taking too long? Is this going to work? Not to mention the random conversations that pop up when two people are together.

Just because your body has now had orgasms doesn’t mean you’ll come at the drop of a hat (or the drop of a pair of boxers or a bra). You’ll probably need to make sure that at some point during the interaction you get some good, sustained clitoral action, whether that’s from oral sex, your own hand, your partner’s hand, a vibrator, or maybe rubbing against your partner’s body. Don’t worry about “being greedy”—sex is about both giving and receiving, not always simultaneously. You should have plenty of time to receive sexual pleasure! Most women who have orgasms during partnered sex play find they need to be assertive and “take charge of their own orgasm” if they want to know it’ll happen.

Especially while you’re still learning, you may find it helps to ask your partner to cut back on “distracting” caresses to let you focus on the key sensations that may get you off. Having him or her kiss you, suck on your nipples, or thrust deep inside you may feel great, but some women find it sends them in a different direction, away from their climb toward climax. If you suspect this is the case, try saying something like, “You feel so good. . . . What you’re doing with my clit is so hot, it might make me come—if I can just focus on that one sensation for a while, so I don’t get distracted—yes, just like that!” There’s more specifically about having orgasms during intercourse in
chapter 5
.

Ideally you have a supportive, patient partner who knows that this is new for you, will help you get the stimulation you need, and won’t make a big deal if it takes a bunch of attempts over a period of time to get the hang of things. This is not the time to start faking—then you’ll
really
confuse matters if you want to try for real the next time. Don’t forget to enjoy being sexual whether or not you have
an orgasm. Figuring out how to have orgasms together can be a fun joint project, but it doesn’t have to be your main goal; don’t let it eclipse the physical and emotional pleasure of being together.

first orgasm tips for partners

YOUR PARTNER’S NEVER had an orgasm? Here are some ways you can help her:

○Enjoy sex together without making orgasm your goal. She’s much more likely to have an orgasm in your presence if she’s enjoying herself. Being obsessively focused on making her come—rather than just helping her feel pleasure—can take the joy out of sex. Know that her ability to have an orgasm with you likely has nothing to do with whether or not she loves you or enjoys sex with you.

○Spend lots of time on activities that focus on female pleasure, particularly those that stimulate the clitoris. Oral sex can work well, but only if she’s comfortable with it. See “How to Make Her Very, Very Happy (Eight Tips on Being a Great Lover)” on page 197.

○If she’s never had an orgasm, encourage her to explore it on her own, and then incorporate it into sex with you once she’s figured it out. Some women don’t masturbate because they’re worried about what their partner would think, so make sure she knows she has your support.

○Give her this book, or the others we recommend on page 89, to give her ideas of what to do.

○If she wants to have her first orgasm with you, or she’s had orgasms through masturbation but never with a partner, be exceptionally patient. Having an orgasm with someone else in the room can be like the experience of being “pee-shy,” where it’s hard to urinate with another person present. Realize it will get easier and faster for her with practice. Don’t add to the pressure she’s probably putting on herself to make it happen. Communicate things like, “If it happens this time, great, and if not, that’s fine, it’ll happen some other time” and “We can take as long as you need and keep going as long as it feels good.”

The first guy I had sex with couldn’t please me; he wasn’t patient. The guy I’m dating now has been a blessing. He’s very patient, lets me try whatever positions I want, talks to me about what I like, then does it. I guess I had to learn to be comfortable with the person I’m with in order to have an orgasm.

○If she’s had orgasms before but never with a partner, do what you can to replicate her masturbatory conditions until she gets the hang of you being part of it. If she always comes while lying on her back, have her lie on her back. If she uses her fingers on her clit, have her do that. If she uses a vibrator, she should use the vibrator during sex with you. Let her get accustomed to coming in her “original way” while you touch or pleasure her; later you can expand your repertoire together so she can come in a wider variety of ways.

○If shyness, guilt and shame about sex, a history of abuse or assault, body image issues, or a sex-negative upbringing get in the way of your partner’s ability to enjoy sexual pleasure, there are no overnight cures, but you can certainly help her. With honesty and respect, compliment whatever aspects of your partner’s body and genitals are attractive or sexy to you (don’t lie to her—she’ll be able to see right through that). She may brush aside your comments or think you couldn’t possibly mean what you’re saying, but over time, she may start to accept the idea that you find her attractive (even her nether regions), and rethink the way she thinks about herself.

I felt uncomfortable about the appearance of my vagina up until a few years ago because one side of my labia is bigger than the other. It wasn’t until I saw pictures of sexually mature women, read educational materials, and had a loving boyfriend who adored my vagina that I came to love it. I think I look like a beautiful, sexually mature woman.

Cultivate a mutually curious, exploratory attitude toward sex in your relationship. Never push her beyond her comfort zone, but do explore anything sexual that interests her (as long as it’s safe and comfortable for you). Read books about sex together—choose ones she says appeal to her—and
talk about them. Attend workshops and classes about sex to learn more together—make it a fun date. Our top picks for books about healing from sexual abuse, and helping a partner heal, are on pages 39 and 40.

○Realize that ultimately, this needs to be her own process of learning about her body. While you can help and be supportive, you can’t do it for her.

for more on finding your O

LOOKING FOR MORE in-depth instruction on how to find your O? There are entire books on the subject, or you might find it helpful to work with a sex therapist. We think these are the best of the books:

• 
The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman’s Guide to Why She Can’t and How She Can Orgasm,
by Dr. Vivienne Cass
Written in the conversational tone of a caring therapist, this thorough book explores every possible reason why women have orgasm challenges and offers solutions. Inclusive of straight, lesbian, and bi readers.

• 
Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women,
by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo
An accessible, comprehensive book written for heterosexual women that leads the reader through a series of exercises to learn to have orgasms alone and with a male partner. (Skip the outdated and partially incorrect information about HIV/AIDS, though.)

• To find a sex therapist near you:
American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and
Therapists
www.aasect.org
804-752-0026

4

Going Down, Down, Baby:
oral sex and female orgasm

When Dorian invites
groups of women to brainstorm things that could help a woman have an orgasm, tongues rank high on the list, and frequently cheering ensues when they’re mentioned. Why so popular? Well, tongues are wet, soft, and warm, fast or slow, and they can make all sorts of luscious strokes. In short, they’re brilliantly designed for clitoral stimulation, the heart of orgasm for most women. One research study of married women found that on average, they rated oral sex as the most enjoyable way to have an orgasm. Certainly, not all women like to receive oral sex, and not all partners want to give it, but for many, oral action is one of sex’s sweetest delicacies.

Cunnilingus, oral sex on a woman, wasn’t always an “everybody’s doing it” sort of activity in the United States. For the generation born in the 1930s, oral sex wasn’t something good husbands and wives (and certainly not girlfriends and boyfriends) did—only about 44 percent of women had received oral sex in their lifetimes (or admitted it to researchers who asked). Many Baby Boomers say that in their day, oral sex was considered far more intimate than intercourse, something some couples would do only if they felt truly comfortable with each other. Still, the numbers climbed: 75 to 80 percent of female Boomers say they’ve received oral attention. Today, the number of women in their early thirties who have received oral sex has
reached its highest number in recorded history, topping out at 87 percent. The numbers aren’t quite as high yet among today’s twentysomethings, but all indicators suggest they’ll catch up—some haven’t yet had an opportunity to give it a try.

The first time I had an orgasm was when my boyfriend at the time gave me oral stimulation. It was amazing. I told him that if he wanted to he could do that every hour on the hour for the rest of my life.

A lot of partners are pretty enthusiastic, too:

It’s lots of fun to be able to pleasure a woman while being so close to the center of pleasure. I also think there’s beauty in the female genitalia. It’s great to be able to not worry about yourself and focus completely on her pleasure.

At first I just wanted to try going down on her. Her reaction and mood afterward make me want me to do it over and over again. It’s the only thing I can do that makes her cry out my name and use the phrase, “Oh, God.”

Despite the popularity of oral sex, most of our female survey respondents reported they aren’t receiving as much as they’d like. Some were too self-conscious, some had partners who didn’t like or preferred not to give oral sex, some weren’t sure how to ask for more.

Oral sex on men is so external, whereas on women it’s so internal and much more personal. You could give a man head while he still has his pants on! But for a woman, you have to be right there, between her legs, and she has to open up (literally and figuratively) and give herself to you.

I think I’m too shy about asking for oral sex. I enjoy spontaneity, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want it more. I need to speak up and ask for it more often.

My girlfriend won’t perform oral sex on me very often (she’s only done it about three times) because she’s sensitive to my smell and taste. I don’t mind doing it to her, but it sucks for me.

While some women said they found other kinds of sex more or equally pleasurable, many more expressed a desire to make oral sex a bigger part of their lives. Since feeling self-conscious about receiving it or about asking for it was a major barrier for many women, let’s dive into that issue first. If you’re already an oral sex enthusiast, skip right down to the positions on page 100.

receiving lip service: overcoming shyness and self-consciousness