I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (28 page)

• subwoofer speakers playing loud, strong bass

• squiggle pens (We’ve heard quite a few “first orgasm” stories that involved these battery-operated pens designed to make you write wiggly.)

• electric toothbrushes

• riding lawn mowers

• motorcycles

• the gentle rumble of riding in a bus, train, car, or airplane

vibrators: a user’s guide

OKAY, SO YOU’VE got your vibrator in hand! Ready for a test drive? How you use it is up to you, based on what feels good, but here are a few pointers:

1. Go slow.
If your vibe has multiple speeds, start out on low, then experiment to figure out what you like.

2. Play with pressure.
Experiment with super-light touch, firm pressure, and in-between.

3. Add a buffer.
You may want to put a piece of cloth (like a folded washcloth or some clothing) in between your clit and the vibrator, to soften the intensity.

4. Focus on the clit.
Even if your vibrator has a shape you can insert in your vagina, most women come by using it on or near their clitoris, not by pumping it inside themselves. Of course, see what works for you!

Anything that vibrates can help me have an orgasm when it’s applied directly to my clit. I don’t like vibration that’s too strong because I’m very sensitive and it numbs me, so my favorite toys are softer ones that vibrate gently. I prefer vibration on my clit and not inside me, so my favorite vibrators are ones that are designed specifically for clit stimulation and not for penetration.

all i want for christmas is an electric toothbrush

ONE WOMAN SHARED that as a teenager, she asked her parents to get her an electric toothbrush for Christmas. She let them believe she wanted to improve her dental hygiene, but her real plans were a
lot
more fun than cavity prevention.

5. But don’t focus on the clit too much.
While many women like to use their vibe directly on their clitoris (or its shaft or side), others get enough stimulation by holding it against their outer lips, or resting their fingers over their clit and using the vibrator to make their fingers vibrate. Experiment with using your vibrator to massage your whole body, and all around your genitals.

6. Position yourself.
In addition to holding the vibrator in your hand, try resting it on some pillows and then lowering yourself down onto it in a “woman on top” position. Or, if your toy is big enough, you can lie back and squeeze it between your thighs, which frees up your hands for other pleasures.

7. Build arousal slowly.
If you’re climbing toward orgasm faster than you’d like, turn the vibrator off for a bit and then back on again. Seduce yourself: Mix up vibrations with touching your body with your hands, deep breathing, and other physical and mental turn-ons.

vibrator addiction?

THE NUMBER ONE most-asked question about vibrators is, “Can I get addicted?” For some reason, women have gotten the idea that if their body gets used to using a vibrator, they may not be able to have an orgasm any other way.

tried it, didn’t like it?

THE ENTHUSIASM OF vibrator-devotees sometimes leaves women who
aren’t
into vibes feeling insecure. Like all things sexual, some love ’em, some don’t. If playing with a vibrator doesn’t float your boat, you may decide to try another kind or another way of using it–or you may seek your thrills elsewhere. No problem!

Not to worry! Most women who use vibrators see them as way to add variety to their sexual menu, like having chocolate mousse for dessert occasionally, instead of always cookies and ice cream. Studies of vibrator users find the vast majority still come in other ways. And even if you find vibrating is your favorite (or only) way to come, that’s perfectly okay! No vibrator police force will arrive at the door to confiscate your vibrator when you reach a certain age or get married. If a vibrator is what gets your O’s flowing better than anything else, you can simply include your vibe in your sex life until the day you die.

If you find that a vibrator’s extra-strong sensations are making it harder to tune into a hand or tongue’s more subtle sensations the way you used to, no problem. Try retiring your vibrator temporarily so you can recalibrate to mellower stimulation. If you were able to come in other ways before, your body will certainly relearn. If it’s never worked for you and still doesn’t, that’s fine, too—many women are in your situation. Of course, don’t expect every orgasm to feel the same—orgasms from different kinds of stimulation feel different. For more on changing the way you come, including exploring how to come without a vibrator, see page 54.

sweetie, i’d like you to meet my vibrator

VIBRATORS LOVE THREESOMES (themselves and a loving couple). Many female vibrator aficionados like the idea but worry how their partner might respond to
the idea of making love with a battery-operated “friend” taking part. Luckily, most partners think vibrator play is sexy. In a study published in the
Journal of Sex Research,
only 10 percent of female vibrator owners said their partner was negative or unenthusiastic about it. Many get the concept that if sex is about pleasure, and if vibrators provide lots of it, it’s likely to be a great time all around!

vibration nation?

ACCORDING TO THE forty-one-country Durex Global Sex Survey, the United States has the second-highest percentage of people who have used a vibrator. Here’s the top ten list:

  
1.
Australia 46%

  
2.
United States 45%

  
3.
Canada 44%

  
4.
Norway 44%

  
5.
United Kingdom 44%

  
6.
Iceland 43%

  
7.
New Zealand 43%

  
8.
Sweden 38%

  
9.
South Africa 37%

10.
Switzerland 30%

He was a little wary at first, but because I use a small vibrator that doesn’t get in the way, he doesn’t mind, and he actually likes trying to coordinate our orgasms to happen at the same time. This wouldn’t be possible without the extra stimulation from the toy.

My partner feels that a sex toy would not allow him to perform his “manly duty.” He feels that he should be the only one giving me orgasms.

Part of the trick, of course, is how the woman broaches the subject (if she’s the one bringing it up). If she says, “Honey, you’re such a lousy lover, I got myself a machine to get the job done right,” her partner’s got good reason to be concerned. If, on the other hand, she says, “I think it could be really hot to play with a vibrator together sometime—do you want to try it?” or, “I have the most explosive orgasms with my vibe—want me to show you how you can use it on me?” her partner is likely to be intrigued. Going vibrator shopping together (in person, online, or with a catalog) can help make it a joint project—not to mention being an excellent conversation-starter about what sorts of bedroom fun appeal to you. Here’s what some women said about using a toy with their partner:

My boyfriend actually got out my toy and used it on me. I was ecstatic! I thought it was so awesome that my boyfriend approached it before I could ask him. We still use toys, and he even has some.

My girlfriend and I really enjoy using sex toys together. It allows us to be a little kinky. We’re not the most kinky, sex-crazed people, so it’s sort of an adventure for us.

Using a sex toy was his idea because his hands get tired (even though he plays guitar).

My partner and I both came to our relationship with a stock of sex toys and carnal knowledge, so we never had to introduce each other to the idea of sex toys. It just seemed a natural part of our sex life.

When using a vibrator with a partner, either of you can hold it, or you can get one that straps on. Some vibrators fit on a penis or dildo, or attach to a cock ring, a ring or cuff designed to be worn around the penis and testicles to constrict blood flow and hold an erection. Often a guy likes the sensation of having his penis inside his partner’s vagina while the vibrator is on her clit, or of having the vibrator stimulate her clitoris and the base of his penis at the same time. Two female partners can rub against the same vibrator, take turns, or use two at once. Note that anytime two people’s bodily fluids get on a sex toy, there’s some risk of HIV or STI transmission, so take this into consideration when you decide whose fluids will go where. See
chapter 11
for more on playing safe.

other toys

VIBRATORS MAY BE the most popular bedroom toy, but there’s a vast universe of adult playthings. A few of the other top sellers:

dildos

Dildos, toys designed for vaginal or anal penetration, are popular among women who enjoy the sensation of having something inside them. Dildos generally don’t vibrate, but some vibrators are phallic-shaped and can be used as dildos. While some dildos are shaped like penises (sometimes with veins, scrotum, and all), others look more like rippling magic wands in colors like magenta and periwinkle. Even women who own an army of dildos, each lovingly named, usually still need external clitoral stimulation to be able to have an orgasm. As a result, a woman will often use a dildo while something else gets her clit going: her own fingers, a vibrator, or a partner’s hand or tongue.

eavesdropping on girl-talk:

do women who love vibrators still want partners?

AT ONE SPEAKING engagement, we could hear a couple of men in the audience grumbling as the women talked enthusiastically about how much they loved using vibrators. Finally, one guy raised his hand. “If girls are so into vibrators,” he asked, sounding a little more miffed than he probably intended, “what do they need us for?” So we put the question to the women who answered our survey: “If you can have an orgasm from a toy, do you still want to or enjoy having sex with a partner? Why or why not?” Here’s what they had to say:

Oh, please. That’s like saying if I could have a metal robot cat instead of a real one, I would want it instead. One purrs, and is fluffy, soft, and warm, and the other is battery-powered.

Fret not, partners! Think of it this way: When we’re using our vibrator, it’s likely that we’re thinking of you. When we’re with you, do you really think we’re fantasizing about being with our vibrator? Doubt it. . .

A plastic sex toy could never replace the warmth and feeling of my husband’s hands, lips, and breath moving over my body. A sex toy might be a good thing to help stimulate a feeling or to appease a physical longing when he isn’t around, but it in no way compares to the real thing.

Guys can have an orgasm any time they want by masturbating. I just find it quicker to use a vibrator. I’m a busy woman. I still enjoy sex with my boyfriend, and I usually prefer it. It’s more intimate, more involved, multiple areas are stimulated, and after I masturbate I can’t snuggle my vibrator.

Who wants a rubber fakey instead of human contact?! A vibrator doesn’t involve another person’s touch, or the excitement of not always knowing what comes next. Plus, you have to do all the work yourself.

The conclusion of the 568 women who shared their thoughts was clear: Just because something can produce an orgasm doesn’t mean it meets all the needs a partner can.

how do partners really feel when women use sex toys?

ON OUR SURVEY, we also asked male and female partners how they felt when their girlfriends and wives used vibrators and dildos. Here’s a sampling of what they told us:

Yay to sex toys. They’re like sprinkles on ice cream.

Frankly speaking, the first time we used one I was a little put off because I felt like she was enjoying that thing rather than me, but I quickly learned to use toys as tools. I am the one using it for her, so I have a direct effect on what sensations she is experiencing. As soon as I looked at toys and props as extensions of myself, I learned to really enjoy employing them, and so we both benefit.

I really enjoyed that she was enjoying the experience, but I felt slightly emasculated at the prospect of being easily replaced by plastic. I tend to prefer if she uses sex toys smaller than me, and we don’t use them very often.

I think sex toys enhance any sexual relationship that’s loving and trusting. Using sex toys with my partners is always fun and sometimes funny. It brings us closer and makes the sex that much more interesting.