In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (18 page)

“
Sss, sss, sss!
Come on guys, this is a neat part of the operation. Please allow me to get the door for you folks!”

“Ierjghjnnhjgei!”

“Skee!
Sss, sss, sss.”

“Ja! It ist a train station, but vhat trains! These monsters are gigantic! About double or more the size of a standard train engine, they tower high in zee air, balanced on a single steel blade that rides atop zee ice valls.”

“Ach, ja, mein friend Herr Metzger. Eet reminds me of the runner of a sled... Nein... In zee Nezzerlaund, peoplze ride on somezing similar on their winter frozen lakes... Ach, ja! Derr skates! Theese train ist built atop zee enormous ice skate!”

“Oui! And the two balancing outrigger stabilizer blades that are mounted on spider like legs of latticed steel braces extending down on either side of our massive ice wall helps to maintain the balance I am thinking, too!”

“My word, there does not appear to be a train of cars behind this engine. On the contrary, I am afraid that I see our passenger accommodations far up in the air, all the way up on top of the engine itself. I say, would the compartment not become uncomfortably warm, even in these frigid conditions?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, about that. This here is a peculiar engine and that’s a fact. There ain’t no coal car. There ain’t no smoke stack on top, neither. Kind of a funny thing, the smokestack looks like it just sticks straight off the rear.”

“Oui! The smokestack is most petite, Monsieur Temperance. It is no more than a cone projecting from the back of the machine, no? This cone, it is very much looking like the pointy cone affixed to the front of the engine and extending back over the cylinder of our vessel, oui?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Mademoiselle Gauzot, except the front points forward and this one in the back flares out from a tiny opening at the rear of the engine. That seems like it would restrict the flow of gases somewhat. It might even concentrate an amount of energy, depending on how much it was being restrained.”

“Uh, like, yeah. This train is like, totally weird. Like, I don’t get what those two cylinders underneath the main engine are.... like... totally.”

“Me neither, Miss Buffiegh. Now I’m curious as to what this big bird flies on. Lemme see if I can deduce what feeds this goose by the materials we have at hand.”

Enheh. The black man with the fangs and sunglasses at night, enheh, Trevor Dagger, calls out to the Ichabutt, “Got something over here, Temperance. It is a grainy white substance with a strong, ammonia smell, but at the same time, I get a taste of salt in my mouth just by being near it.”

“Hunh, that sounds like you gotta batch of ammonium perchlorate, Mr. Dagger.”

“Ach! This ist bad! This grainy white substance, really gots derr ammonia smells, ach ist terrible!”

“I bet you have a crude form of saltpeter made from wee-wee, Mr. Van Heksink.”

“I’m rich! I just found a big pile of silver! I can retire from this newspaper rat-race!”

“Sorry, Mr. Coalshack, I think you have some powdered aluminum, there. Hmm, if these elements were combined, they might produce a combustible substance. This sounds like a type of explosive maybe, but getting blown up, though fast, is not considered to be the best mode of transport. I wonder, though, if these elements could be slowed down a little in their burning process. Maybe if they could be held together in a solid form, the energies of the reaction could be tapped.”

“Oui! As the gooey texture of the raw egg is used to bind the elements of a soufflé or cake together, no?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Mademoiselle Gauzot, Ma’am.”

“Yes, I say, I believe I have something here, Mr. Temperance. Perhaps these vast amounts of ‘gum’ from a peculiar South American tree’s by-products would suffice for such a medium, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt! Now this may work to make a ‘hard’ feed. I wonder if there is a way of putting this together in such a way that platforms could be built within to fire off our ‘hard’ feed one chunk at a time?”

“Ja, Icky, as these rings and thin walls constructed in the same circumference of the engine, maybe?”

“Yessir, Mr. Metzger! Course we’d need a primer to ignite the feed...”

“Ach, like the electrodes and blasting caps that Roemin has found and is shyly presenting to the young, blonde  leibchen, Buffeigh, to give us on his behalf as he makes an innocent gesture of affection for zee fetching Fraulein, ja.”

“Yessir, Mr. Van Heksink. It’s too bad we don’t already have all of this prepared as a convenient fuel and propellant. In theory, if the feed burner were fashioned into a cylinder, it  would slip into the engine compartment and when ignited, could theoretically burn very powerfully, and if done so in ‘platforms’, could maybe propel us a long way in a short time.”

“Hey, Temperance. Like these big cylinders over here?”

“Yessir, Mr. Dagger. Um, it might be a good idea if you and Wolfie would very carefully extinguish your cigars, please, as this big ol’ barn is pretty much an over-sized fireworks factory.”

“Oops! Ja! You are correct, Icky!”

“Right on, Temperance!”

“Thank you, gentlemen, now, the way I read things, there are two of these single ice rails. One is incoming, with lots of big, wavy hills extending into the distance for what appears to be several miles, and this outgoing singo-ice-rail that is perfectly smooth and level for as far as the eye can see. My guess is that the hills work to help slow the train on the incoming track. This elevated position we are in helps to launch the ship.”

“I say, the engine may be positioned by way of the many pulleys and overhead tracks, for engagement, might it not, Mr. Temperance? Perhaps placement at the cusp of our out-going rail would be appropriate, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, we’ll just load her up, first. The back of the engine is hinged on one side. By opening it, we should be able to slide one of the pre-packed fuel burners inside. I reckon if we make use of the convenient, elevated slidey mechanisms, we oughtta be able to maneuver our carriage’s motorvator into its slot and this ship to its launch site.”

“Don’t forget to set up your ignition primer, Temperance!”

“Yessir, Mr. Piston, sir!”

“I see this awful train for what it truly is, I think, oui! It is like the thing used to send fireworks into the sky, is it not?”

“Wee, wee, Mademoiselle Gauzot. It’s called a ‘rocket’. Originating in China, they have been in use for military application for hundreds of years as a means of distant bombardment, but I ain’t never heard of one this big before.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, are you seriously suggesting that we ride upon this uni-rail ‘rocket-ship’, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“All aboard for the ice skate polar disoriental express, everybody!”

Enheh. That Chicago journalist in the cheap white suit thinks he is the conductor, I guess. Enheh.

“
Sss, sss, sss.
Watch your step, folks. Right this way, please. These many flights of steel steps will put us on a boarding platform about forty feet in the air so that we can walk out and onto the passenger compartment on top of the skater-ship. Here you are, Mr. Piston. I’ll carry you so you don’t have to strain your flippers.”

“Thanks, Ierjghjnnhjgei. There might be an extra sardine in this for you when we’re done.”

“Skee, skee! Garsh, thanks, Mr. Piston!
Sss, sss, sss.
”

“Enheh! Ierjghjnnhjgei! Where are you going? You can’t run off with this band of invaders!”

“Liberators, Bhjrghjtt.”

“Enheh. Fine! I’ll just stay here and guard this whole continent by myself!”

“Skee? Suit yourself, Bhjrghjtt.”

“Enheh! Ierjghjnnhjgei! Don’t leave me here all by myself! Enheh, I mean, who is going to look after you? Okay, I’m coming with you guys then, I guess.”

“I say, these are most spacious accommodations. Twelve rows of two seats line either side of this central aisle for a total seating capacity of forty-eight, not including the engineer, who strangely enough, is positioned at the back, instead of the front of our cheery chariot, my word.”

“If it’s all right with y’all, I’m gonna take the engineer’s spot. Everybody get ’em a seat and position them funny neck supports the way you want. I gotta feeling those were included for a reason.”

“Icky mein friend, I think vee are all ready. You may send us on our way. Excuse me, Herr P.T., how far did you say it vas to our first stop?”

“Just a little over two-thousand miles, Wolfgang.”

“Okay, I’ve twisted the ignition wires into this starter switch. That’s this wooden device about the size of a breadbox with a big grip handle on top. I place my feet on the appropriate stanchions to provide resistance to pull against. By taking a firm grasp of this handle, I can draw the plunging rod up out of the case. I can feel the resistance of the gearing inside. When I shove the plunger down with force, it should spin up the dynamos within. This will, hopefully, generate enough electricity to set off our first blast cap and send us scootin’ along. Is everybody ready?”

“I say, quite so, hear, hear.”

“Ja, Icky.”

“Oui, Monsieur!”

“Skee!”

“Enheh!”

“Sure, kid.”

“Ach.”

“Like, yeah, are you ready, Roemin?”

“ * ”

“I can dig it, Ick-man. Light this cigar, you little Birminghamster.”

“Hurry up, Temperance, I don’ have all day. Don’t make me come back there and gobble down a chunk of your flesh.”

“Okay, then, here...
we
...
Go!”

Enheh. The stupid little American has slammed the plunger into the ignition box!

A huge bubble of dramatic tension builds and builds waiting for the titanic engine to engage. The over inflated bubble eventually loses its drama as it appears the engine is a dud.

“Are you experiencing difficulty, Mr. Temperance?”

“I’ll work it out, Miss Plumtartt. Actually there is a back up system for just this sort of eventuality. I’ll just use my tinder box to instigate this secondary firing sequencer.”

“If you are trying to disguise the fact that you have just lit a long, sputtering fuse that quickly burns its way out of our view, you are mistaken, sir.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“How long do you expect it to take to engage our primer?”

“That’s kinda hard to predict with a fuse cord, but that one was burning along lickety split. I reckon she’ll be going off any time now.”

“I say, that is encouraging. Mr. Temperance, I did have one other concern.”

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“How do you intend to stop our railed rocket?”

“Stop? Hunh. I hadn’t thought of that, Miss Plumt...”

BAH-
FHO
O
OSHHHH!!!

“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

---

~ding!~

“Hold on folks, that little bell usually signals another platform ignition.”

BAH-
FHO
O
OSHHHH!!!

Enheh! This is horrible! Enheh! How did I get into this! Enheh! I feel as if my face is going to be pressed back against my skull so hard the skin will peel off!

“Hey Bhjrghjtt! Skee, skee, skee! This is great! Look at my cheeks! They’re flapping like a flag in the wind! Blub,blub,blub,blub,blub...”

“I can’t look Ierjghjnnhjgei. Please take a death grip on the armrests of your seat like everyone else you fool!”

“Skee, skee, skee! I think it’s more fun with my arms straight up in the air, Bhjrghjtt! Wheee!”

“May we have a time check please, Miss Plumtartt?”

“Yes, we may, Mr. Temperance. These ignitions are as regulated as the London Underground. I have this propulsion ignition to be timed at exactly one hour since the last. This has been the pattern between one and another.”

“Vhat are your observations, mein Herr P.T. Piston?”

“I’ve peered as hard as I could from each port hole. This bleak environment has no distinguishing landmarks. All I saw the first few hours of this trip were tumbles of broken ice and snow, but for the last five hours, it’s been just a smooth, unbroken white barrenness, stretching into infinity. Sometimes I think I have an impression of a distant mountain range on the port side of the ship, but I can’t swear to it.”

“Any ideas as to how fast this baby has been cruising, Temps?”

“This is of course just speculation on my part, Mr. Trevor, but I’m guessing we have maintained a relatively steady two hundred miles traveled in any given hour of our trip.”

“Sacre Bleu! After the initial launching ignition, we have since had nine more sequential firings of our motour, oui? If our speed is what you say, then we have traveled two thousand miles in the last ten hours!”

“Yes, Mademoiselle. I think we may be approaching Gyroscopic Neutralization Placement number one very soon.”