In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (19 page)

~honk!~

“Oui, Monsieur Piston. Perhaps that annoying petite horn blast signals our proximity, no?”

“I agree with Mademoiselle Gauzot, y’all. I’m gonna pull back a smidge on this handle coming up through the deck. My theory is that it is a braking lever. I’m thinking that it will squeeze the two side mounted blades together and hopefully slow us down some.”

skrrrrnnnccchhhh!!!

“Ja! I think it vorks, Icky!”

“
W
W
W
W
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
A
H
H
H!
!
!”

“Like, uh, what was that? Me and Roemin, like, felt as if our guts were all shoved down and we were suddenly briefly very heavy, and then just as suddenly our lungs were in our throats and we were like, all weightless and everything.”

“It’s okay, Buffeigh. I think we are going through some wavy hills built into our singo rail train track. I think this is an effort to slow the train. Get ready folks; a few more ice hills should be built into our rail ahead. These should slow our
speed and ease us into the station.”

“WOAH!!!”

“WOAH!!”

“Woah!”

“Woe.”

“Ach! I see a station housen likenzee one we departed from up ahead. One last little rise will put us into the elevated skate station.”

“Okay, we’re in! Just a little further to line us up with the platform, Temperance. Easy, easy, stop!” Perfect! Even better, there’s not a squad of soldiers standing by to gun us down.”

“I say. I concur, Mr. Dagger. Very good of these chaps not to blast us with gunfire upon arrival. I say, that may be because there are no chaps here
to
fire upon us. Good thing, that, hear, hear.”

“This place is more deserted than a dry county bar, Ma’am.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. The facilities appear to be operational, though empty. Our singo-ice rails extending back to the peninsula harbour conclude here. Another set of giant ice walls representing the to and fro tracks that lead to the central position at the Pole extend inward to the focus of the continent from this locale.”

“Oui, this they do, Mademoiselle Plumtartt; however, I think I would like to see this gigantic Gyroscope these clever fellows have built for myself before proceeding, oui?”

“Hear, hear. Of course, Mademoiselle Gauzot. There are indications of a construction site a few hundred yards down this path to our right. I confess a curiosity to behold one of these brutes myself, I say.”

“Ach. It’s so dark, and the clouds press so close, I can’t see a thing!”

whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz

“Enheh. Do you guys hear that?”

“Ja. It’s a strange mechanical whirring sound. It comes to us as if from far away and high above.”

“I see a structure up ahead. It’s a big wall of ice. I can’t see the top, though. I betcha the gyroscope is on the other side. Maybe there’s a gate in this big frozen structure.”

“Hey Mr. Trevor, I don’t think this wall is straight. I think it has a curve to it.”

“I say, gentlemen. This wall does manifest a most definite quality towards convexity about it. Were this attribute to continue, perhaps a gigantic circle would be realized. By Jove! I believe this to be a solid column!”

“Uh, if this wall is actually a solid column of ice, then uh, like, it’s really, like big. Right, Roemin?”

“   *  ”

WHOO-OO-OO-WOOHHMM!!!

“Aaaahhhhh!!!”

“What in Blue Blazes was that?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Coalshack! Something really big just swooped over us. It was pretty far up, though, I think.”

“Everyone spread out along the wall. Let us try to make sense of what is before us.”

“Yessirir, Mr. Trevor. The curve of the wall is such that we can spread out by about fifty feet and still maintain visual contact with our neighbor in either direction. As far as I can tell, I just have open space above my head.”

“Word is being relayed down our chain of comrades, Mr. Temperance. It seems that Mr. Metzger is able to make out a large structure of ice, extending outwards above his head.”

whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz,whrrzzz

“I’m standing in the sixth position of twelve people. Mr. Metzger is six people away from me to the right, facing the column. There should be five people extended to my left. Who’s on the end, Mr. Piston?”

“We’ve got Ierjghjnnhjgei on the end, Temperance.”

“Let’s get everybody to shift to the left, fifty feet, y’all.”

“Skee, skee, skee! Yeah, Ick! There’s something up there! There is an extension of ice projecting outward and upward a long way. Further than that I can’t see, due to cloud obstruction.”

WHOO-OO-OO-WOOHHMM!!!

“Dang! Whatever just swooped over our heads again was really big! Okay, I think Mr. Metzger and Ierjghjnnhjgei have marked either side of a column of ice. How far across does this ice projection stretch? Everybody shift down another fifty feet.”

“Another fifty feet.”

“Another fifty feet.”

“Another fifty feet.”

“Skee, skee! Okay Ickity. That’s got it.”

“Assuming these projections of ice are opposite each other and that this is a structure of ice, then we can now extrapolate that this gives us a column sixteen hundred feet around. Either end is capped by a projection extending out and up. There is six hundred feet of open feet between. Folks, I think we have found our gyroscope.”

WHOO-OO-OO-WOOHHMM!!!

“The column supports a titanic frame. The massive thing swooping over our heads from time to time is what’s called a ‘gymbal’. It is a circular frame hinged in-line horizontally with the frame built in a rigid concordance of the column. This gymbal contains another frame hinged at the top and bottom and contains a spindle that turns in the middle. I’m sure we are in no danger, but I am kinda freaked out standing next to something of this size built of ice.”

“Oui. I am satisfied with our observations. Let us return to the rocket train terminal.”

“Ja. All along zee vay, we have observed greater und greater constructive abilities of our foes. They seemingly have had a machine capable of casting the raw material of snow and ices into fantastic buildings and this continent-spanning ice rail. Now we see evidence of a constructive capability of a far greater standard. This gyroscope is no simple and crude structure. This is a finely crafted und precisely balanced piece of machinery. Mein conjecture ist that these devils have already had in their possession great machineries to do their bidding, but it ist the addition of the three scientists and Herr Cogito that have allowed them to build and cast this absurdly large construction, apparently instantaneously.”

“These folks are working awfully fast, y’all. We better hoof it on over to the Pole, rescue our friends, and put a stop these fiends, and do it quick.”

“Enheh. Hey penguin...”

“What!”

“Enheh! Sorry! Enheh! I mean, Excuse me Mr. P.T. Piston, but enheh, how far is it to the next destination?”

“The map shows the two thousand mile track from here back to the harbor. Beyond this point, we must pass a mountain range to get to the centralized location of the South Pole itself, five hundred miles away. The other two gyroscope placements are also five hundred miles from the Pole, spaced out in equilateral distances. The map indicates a tunnel, perhaps a hundred miles in length, has been bored through the NonArtican mountain range to accommodate this vessel and its track.”

“Sss, ssss, sss!
Vampyrellah and Count Drauchulau are sure gonna be surprised to see all these people, Bhjrghjtt!”

---

“My beautiful vampire sisters, Ruby Leiquour and Insidia Gruessom. How I treasuourre your cold blooded company and self-absorbed complaints, but if you do not stop pilfering my cigar’ettas, I shall rake your mascara laden eyes from your socket-sunken skulls.”

“Lighten up, Perpetua Nicotina, I’ll pay you back.”

“Yes, Perpetua, for your sake, I hope this ‘Eternal Night’ scheme does not interfere with tobacco farming.”

“
Hsssk!
” I reply. “What are you talking about? Surely you jest with me, Insidia! There is no threat to my cigar’etta supply, is there?”

“It could be problematic to acquire more, if the only crop is on the wrong side of the equator.”

“Has Count Drauchulau considered this unthinkable eventuality?”

“It may not have been his highest priority.”

“That is a horrible thought! A world without cigar’ettas is an unimaginable nightmare! I must have my cigar’ettas! Certainly the many trunks I have with me, packed with thousands of cartons of my delicious coffin nails shall suffice for a short time, but we are wanting to stay here for eternity! Certainly some of the luscious nicotine endowed vegetation shall survive our little planetary adjustment. Enough to service
my
needs, at least.”

“My dear, Perpetua Nicotina, I am afraid that I have caused you undue alarm. I am certain that your needs have been at the top of the Count’s incomparable mind.”

My friend, the voluptuous red-headed vampire beauty, Ruby Leiquour, tries to assuage my fears, but I am stricken with doubt at the thought of a world without my life-giving cigar’ettas.

“I really shall replace the cigar’ettas that I have consumed, sweet Perpetua Nicotina.” The meanest girl in the world, Insidia Gruessom, makes an attempt to twist a smile onto her rigidly unhappy face. Her stubborn mouth remains locked in a sneering expression of constant contempt. Twitching with the effort, the ever snide, morbid blonde repeatedly attempts to bring a sympathetic expression to her features, but the frozen frown refuses to release its place after many years of constant inhabitation. “Really.”

“Think nothing of it, my dear Insidia, I am just irritated at being asked to go outside to smoke. My affectation of jaded unconcern is too thoroughly steeped in many years of practice to allow me to show any sign of anger besides a sincere sigh of resignation. Huh-
sigh
.”

“Ugh, the outdoors are such a bore. We are forced to look out upon the environs from this balcony overlooking the rail-mono station.”

“I wish the boys would hurry up with their project. They are putting the finishing touches to that ‘servant’ business that they have been so excited about over on the other side of this ostentatious ice castle.”

“I did not know so many little decorative turrets could be wedged onto a single building, but there must be hundreds of the tiny little useless rooms sticking up all over this cold kept keep. This crenelated balcony has a certain allure. This castle is truly an impressive work from these noble, and capable gentlemen.”

“Ruby, my vampish sister, you have a most mischievous gleam in your deliciously evil eyes, when you speak of our latest distractions.”

“I was just reminiscing of recent escapades. So ladies, am I right in that you were as pleased as I with the old guys we hooked up with?”

“Yes! You are so right, Ruby!” Insidia sneers, bringing her dead body to life. “I’ll never go back to some young idiot that doesn’t know what he’s doing. These older vampire cats show such refinement in their romantic skill-sets.”

“Hey girls, do you see that? Something is headed our way.”

“I thought we were alone in this forsaken land, but I think that what we see is the approach of a rocket propelled skater ship.”

“Oh, maybe it’s the two sentries that we left at the coast! I hope so! I’m getting hungry for some fresh blood!”

“I can see the spray of ice around the uni-rail as the braking skates are being applied.”

“The rocket blade has been expertly brought to a stop. There are many passengers disembarking. I count eleven people. Nine men, and two women. No, make that eight men and three women. One is a woman wearing pants. It must be that traitor, Mademoiselle DeeDee Gauzot, that little tramp.”

“They pursue us still? That pitiful little force would defy us? Inconceivable!”

“Oh, how cute. The pathetic fools have brought along a pet mascot in the form of a penguin. At least it will throw a little variety into the menu.”

“One of the ladies appears to be wearing your favourite boots that you accidentally left behind, Ruby.”

“
Re
e
er
-
raull!
It’s that Plumtartt skank! I shall
slay
that insolent b
!
tch!”

“Come ladies, let us hurry to the pavilion where Count Drauchulau and the others are gathered after returning from their gyroscope construction projects. We will interrupt the last complicated procedure they are involved with and alert them to this uninvited intrusion.”

---

“You may all select your own victim to slay, but I insist on being the one to kill Trevor Dagger.”

“Ha, ha! As you wish, Count Onyx’Ula. You are certainly welcome to that dangerous young scamp. I think I prefer an easier target. Perhaps I shall devour that young Temperance fellow. His wiry physique will provide a gamier taste that I prefer. I count ourselves lucky to arrive at this grand receiving hall from within the castle as our burglars are entering through the main doors.”

“Good evening, our unexpected friends. I see you have decided to ignore Count Drauchulau’s gracious warning and have taken it upon yourselves to trespass our sanctuary. How charming. Though we are very busy with other matters of far more consequence than the likes of this unlikely group, we are, nevertheless, willing to indulge in a momentary distraction from our labours to dispose of your interference once and for all.”

“You are mad with your selfish desires, Count Hela Gigalosi. We will not allow this insanity to continue.”

“What reckless bravado, Herr Dagger. Oh, but I am curious. Did you enjoy a pleasant ride on our ‘Mirna’?”

”Hey! We are not that kind of invader!”

“I meant our rocket powered ice skate ship train, Herr Temperance. We have adopted an abbreviated nickname, if you will. ‘Mono Ice Rail Non Arctica’, or, ‘Mirna’.”

“Oh, I get it. That’s cute. I sure am sorry to barge in on y’all, Count Gigalosi, but we just can’t let y’all kidnap our pals and destroy most of the planet. Won’t you all reconsider this scorched Earth policy?”

“Your naiveté is charming Ichabod my dear boy, but I am afraid we must insist. I am also deeply sorrowed that we shall now kill you and your wonderful companions. Aufweidersehen mein friends.”

“Ha, ha! Count Gigalosi, wait! Please allow me to get this party started!”

The dazzling eyes of Count Sezami sparkle with excited mirth. His head and fingers enter into a macabre, and measured counting sequence. This is characterized by a head bob, pause, head bob, pause, followed with a finger, ‘snap!’, bob, snap!, bob, snap!, bob, snap!, bob,...

“A vaughn, a two, a vaughn, two, three, hit it!”

I am seized with an irresistible compulsion! Count Sezami has me under a maniacal spell! Not just me, but my succubi sisters, Insidia Gruessom, and Ruby Leiquour as well! Too my horror, Count Sezami has included himself, the four other Counts, ChauckOola, Onyx’Ula, Gigalosi, Fangella, and Baron Leigh. He also includes the skanky has-beens, EvilEyra and Vampyrellah, in his macabre enchantment. Only Count Drauchulau of our brood is immune from the mesmeric effects. With two short steps all eleven of us simultaneously launch ourselves into the air with one knee tucked to our breast and the other pointed earthward with pointed toe. We throw our heads back and extend our hands and fingers as far as they will stretch and land as one, our positioning perfectly aligned in a triangular pattern. Impossible to resist, we crouch and step first the right leg over the left. The left leg is then swung around the right. This awkward maneuver is repeated many more times. Exaggerated two-handed finger snaps accompany this strange ritual. We rise again for a double pirouette and then fall back into our crouched positions, pointedly snapping our fingers.

Count Lank Fangella moves to the front of the group. He sings out in challenging fashion that rings from the icy chamber walls:

“When you’re a bat,”

“You’re a bat all the way,”

“From your first jugular bite,”

“To these nice people we slay.”

We irresistibly maintain our rhythmic finger percussions as a complicated series of steps carry our coordinated movements back and forth in front of our entranced and enthralled audience. Count ChauckOolaux is the next to be manipulated by the mad Count Sezami:

“When we suck your blood,”

“It’s going to be a treat.”

“Like mini marshmallows in cereal,”

“The taste is decadently sweet.”

With grace and agility, we perform a simultaneous repositioning of our troupe. The boys assume a place to catch Vampyrellah after the rest of us girls launch her skyward with a combined and artistic effort.

Now that shameless hussy, after our deft and cunning assistance, is placed before our group to show off her vocal and other talents. Vampyrellah, in her little red nothing, is flushed with excitement as she takes the lead spot.

“When you’re a Bat,”

“With a capital ‘B’,”

“Then you know you’re a Vamp”

“And that’s how it’s gonna be.”

“Your days are over,”

“Our night is begun.”

“We drain you of your essence,”

“Never again to know the Sun.”

With this last little number, we all take a floor hugging bow. To their credit, the invaders provide a respectable amount of applause.

“That was delightful, Count Sezami. You never cease to amaze. I ask you now to dispose of our unwanted guests.”

“Ha, ha! Of course my exalted Count Drauchulau! I shall ask you to sit this one out. Without your imperial membership, I count eleven of us to rumble their eleven member invasion force.”

“Skee! This is an army of liberation, sir!”

“Enheh. I’m not sure which side I’m supposed to be on.”

“Quiet you fool! I am counting! Ha, ha! A vaughn, a two, a three, ah-hahahahaha! Let’s get ’em, boys and ghouls!”

Yes! Finally we get to slay these nine mortals and their two vampire traitors. It will be nice to wash down all the cigar’ellas I have consumed with some nice fresh blood. Yum! And then a nice cigar’ella afterwards! Delicious!

“Ach! You are zee vhunne known as Perpetua Nicotina, not you are?”

“You are correct, Dutchie. Your name is Van Heksink, right?”

“That’s right, Fraulein Nicotina. That is a very nasty smoking habit you indulge in young lady. It vill stunt your growingzee.”

“Look who’s talking! Don’t worry about me, pops, I’m almost six feet tall without heels. You don’t look like you would clear five foot five. I’m thin, but all there is to you is that over grown mustache and... Woah! Ow! Hey! How did you do that? You’re hurting my arm and I think I skinned my knee, you jerk! If I have torn this dress, so help me you are going to pay for a new one!”

“Ach, please to be quiet and stop the struggles. My name ist Andrew Van Heksink und I am well versed in the dispatch of your kind. My friends have encouraged me to show restraint, but you should know that the world’s foremost vampire slayer has you at his mercies.”

Gads. This old coot isn’t kidding! He sure does act like he knows what he’s doing. I think I’ll behave for the moment and watch the action.

“Enheh! Please don’t kill me, Count Gigalosi!”

“Not immediately I think, my boy. You are the pathetic excuse of a mercenary known as Bhjrghjtt, are you not? I shall simply clutch your throat with my thumb pressed deeply into your larynx until we see how things turn out.”

“Skee, skee, skee! Yippee! A smokin’ hot babe is coming over to dance with me! Hi Insidia! My name is Ierjghjnnhjgei.”

“Shut up Ierjghjnnhjgei. I’m just going to spin you around and shove your head over sideways so that I can be ready to bite a big chunk out of your neck in the heartbeat of a bat.”

“Skee! Okay!”

“Woah! Van Heksink! Those two tall, dark and deadly gentlemen, Count Onyx’Ula and Trevor Dagger join in combat with much enthusiasm! By the way, as long as you have this devious wrist lock applied with my arm twisted back over my shoulder and you hold a slender, though firm appearing needle of wood above my heart, do you mind if I smoke?”

“Ach. Terrible though the habit is, I do not see how it’s going to hurt you since you are already dead, my lethal leibchen. Go ahead, knockenz out yourself. This slender needle of wood held at the ready to plunge into your heartless heart is a splinter of petrified wood from northern Europe’s most ancient Black Forrest. And yes, I think there is the mutual distaste for one another in those two mahogany toned dreadnaughttes. Let’s listen and see if we cannot hear a scrap of their taunts to each other as they brutally pummel each other’s face. They have both grabbed a hold on each other with their left hands and maintain a continual punching onslaughtz upon one another’s face with their rights.”