In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (21 page)

“Ach! Vos ist Los, Fraulein Nicotina?”

“I don’t know, Van Heksink. I can tell you, though, that the unnerving shadow that has appeared on the entrance hall’s wall grips my heart in the icy clutch of a nameless dread.”

“Ja, liebchen. It is that of a bald headed man, but with a downwardly turned pointy nose. His pointy teeth are clearly drawn against the wall in a terrifying silhouette. A claw-like hand is held before the slowly moving apparition. Everyone is silently spellbound by the steadily nearing menace.”

“H-h-h-h-hssskkk. Welcome to my new home, my chilly companions.”

Non-existent eyebrows arch high on the hairless head of the walking corpse. I mean, I, Perpetua Nicotina, am among the undead myself, but this guy takes the proverbial cake! Those pointy teeth, clawed hands, and skinny frame may have once belonged to a man of great elegance, but those days are many many hundreds of years ago. This death-sicle is a true horror show. Somehow, he remains upright, though he leans far to the back. His feet steadily remain well before his shoulders. Beady black eyes, not unlike the horrible penguin, survey the transfixed members of the icy foyer from the head of the stairs, above us. The extreme lean of his swayed back force the grayish/green apparition to look at us all from a downward trajectory. Lips pull back in a perpetual grimace on the fleshless face.

“Hssk, I did not expect to have a human audience for the great orientation, but when life hands us lemons, we force them to be our unwilling spectators.”

“I say, perhaps you did not notice my un-named host, but we hold many of your unclean brood at our mercies. Your own Count Drauchulau has just surrendered.”

“I think, the Count was premature in his unauthorized capitulation. Tell me, do any of you recognize, this?” The pale monster says this as he removes a gem-like rock from a pocket of his age-old suit.

“It’s just a fancy piece of ice, isn’t it?”

“Nossir, Mr. Coalshack, that’s a Cortexual Quartz Crystal! The only one in existence in the whole wide world! It belongs to Mr. Cogito! It is what gives him his ability to think! What have you done with him, you fiend?!”

“We have disassembled him, little mortal person. Tell me, are you not the human known as ‘Temperance’?”

“Yessir.”

“Ah, then you know that if this crystal is destroyed, then so too, for all intents and purposes, is the clockwork man.”

“Nein! Don’t listen to him, Icky!”

“Sorry Wolfgang, This old gentleman is right. Everything that makes up Mr. Cogito’s personality, is contained in that Quartz.”

“You know then, human Temperance, that if I were to drop this Quartz, that it would surely shatter and that would be the end of the mechanical man?”

-gulp-
“Yessir.”

“This crystal is meaningless to me. I have absolutely no reason not to destroy it. Please unhand Count Sezami and help ensure that your friends follow suit... or else.”

“Ach! Ichabod, no! We have them beat! We cannot sacrifice the world and humanity to save one mechanical man’s artificial brain!”

“Sorry Mr. Van Heksink. I’m sorry everybody, but a pal is a pal. I gotta do what I can to save him.”

“Yes! That little human fool has released Count Sezami and now goes to extricate Count Drauchulau from the clutches of that dreadful bird!”

“Temperance, no! Put me down!”

“Sorry, Mr. Piston.”

“Hssk. How very predictable. Let us get back to the operation, shall we?”

“Thank you, Master!”

“Think nothing of it, Count Drauchulau. Ah, please forgive me, where are mein manners. I have neglected to introduce myself.”

“I am...”

       “the King of all Nosferatu...”

                    “I am...”

“Ekstreme Shriekke!”

---

“Oy vey ist mir! Did we miss some excitement?”

“Count Grampa Louis, where have you, Vampira, and WrenneFeyldde been?”

“Oi, so I escorted the shapely Vampira to my quarters to show her my, eh, collection of bottle caps. I think maybe we lost track of time. When we exited the chambers, I find this deplorable wretch WrenneFeyldde bent as if he were trying to press his perverted peepers to the keyhole!”

“Heh, heh, heh! Nein! I was just listening, eek! I mean, doing a little harmless lurking!”

“Nevermind, the Great Nosferatu, Ekstreme Shriekke, has made his presence felt!”

“Oi vhey! So, Count Drauchulau, where is everybody going?”

“We are all on our way to the Pavilion in back to see the great project instigated.”

“Please do not walk so fast. Vampira is wiggling along as fast as her dress will allow. By the way, I have been meaning to compliment you on this magnificent, faerie tale castle. Though built of ice, it nonetheless maintains an intrinsic gloominess.”

“Thank you, Count Grampa Louis. Now, as we exit the back of the castle and cross this wide veranda, we are presented with the lengthy walkway to the Production Pavilion. Mounting the steps to the wide platform at the top I see everyone in waiting. I have found our errant companions, my master!”

Oi, it really is he! Ekstreme Shriekke!

“Count Louis and Vampira, we are so happy to have you among us. Count Sezami, I would prevail upon you to play the part of our host and explain the procedures we are witness to.”

“Ha, ha! You can count on me, my Master! Ha, ha! Our spellbound human scientists have the castings of the servant prepared for assembly, my King of all Nosferatu! Ha, ha! This enormous, manual assembly accentuator is a marvelous invention! It has been one of the principal tools in our swift construction projects. When combined with our new casting techniques, the speed of manufacture is astounding!”

“Hey! Dang it! Y’all have got poor ol’ Mr. Cogito all strewn apart! Come on, Mr. Shriekke, I helped y’all out, now you need to live up to your end of the bargain. Lemme have Mr. Cogito’s Cortexual Quartz so can I put him back together.”

“Certainly, human Temperance. Here you are. Please young man, with my blessings, restore your friend into proper form. My only stipulation being that I require you wear the mechanical hand coverings that are the primary controls of our construction accentuator while doing so.”

“Yessir.”

“Very well, Herr Count Sezami, you may continue.”

“Ha, ha! Thank you, Master! Now then, You have seen our progress in building techniques from the many and varied saws for cutting the ice and granite to our needs, to the ability of casting and forming ice molds at will. We have long made it a practice to harness the geniuses created by the Revelatory Comet’s passing, and turning them to our control. The
incredible submersible ship ‘
Nautilust’
, the steam-driven mechanical
‘
Walruses’
, and the high speed Rocket Ships are but a few of the other toys these slaves have built for our convenience. Now our three spellbound scientists have applied their intellectual prowess to building a giant ice caster to build devices of intricate and precise detail. Not only can we build exact replicas, but of any size we desire. These are cast virtually instantaneously, but with a combined electrical and chemical assistance, gain a far higher, tactile strength, than if constructed of simple ice. I ask you to look upon this outrageously complex assembling machine. Like the busy legs of a spider as it hastily wraps its victim in an encompassing cocoon, the many arms of our giant, manual assembly accentuator do our bidding to build the objects of our desires. With the last component of this incredible ice caster to fulfill our needs, we have been able to construct a mechanical wonder of gigantic, though meticulous, precision. Ha, ha! Oh, Temperance, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine, Count Sezami. These wacky gloves that control this immense assembly accentuator you got me wearing to assemble Mr. Cogito are a little cumbersome at first, but I’m getting the hang of ’em now.”

“That’s just fine, Ichabod! Ha, ha! You are doing a marvelous job in the reassembly of your mechanical friend! I would direct everyone’s attention to the complicated apparatus that our young American tinker wears. His hands are inserted within the many hinged and jointed receivers that can exactly duplicate his dexterous movements. Thousands upon thousands of control arms rise as a tumultuous cloud around the boy to transfer his movements to gigantic assembly arms before our pavilion. We have used this device in conjunction with the ice casting apparati to construct the massive gyroscopes strategically placed at equal distances from this location and each other. We have combined our ice casting technologies with the microscopic precision of this instrument to fashion our gynormous gyroscopes. Here is the model we worked from. As you can see, we were able to use this table top model, that only stands a foot tall, and were able to use it to build our incredible machineries. This assembler had to be moved from location to location for each Earth mover to be built.”

“I say, does that imply that the monstrous gyroscope that we saw at the first placement site had been constructed just before our arrival?”

“Ha, ha! Yes, Miss Plumtartt! The process is astoundingly fast, I assure you! Speaking of which, this Temperance fellow is a fast worker! You appear most adept at the maintenance of this device. Forgive me, I should say, the maintenance of your clockwork friend.”

“Yessir, constant maintenance is a part of getting to have Mr. Cogito as a pal. I have most of his torso back together and both arms are in place. I have positioned his Cortextual Quartz in his head and I’m locking it into place now. I’m gonna go ahead and release his mainspring.”

whirr, bzz, clink
“Initiating... initiating... ini... Hello! I am cognizant! What very nice surroundings; so calm, serene, and of a uniform whiteness, stretching into an eternity. Am I in Heaven? How extraordinary! I had no idea the Pearly Gates were accessible to beings clockwork in nature.”

“Nossir, we ain’t quite there yet, buddy.”

“Then might I surmise we survived our shipwreck?”

“Yessir, Mr. Cogito. Back when we made land on Tierra del Fuego aboard the
‘Stoker’,
somehow, we all made it ashore. You had only made it halfway out of the surf, but we found you and got you fixed up. How do you feel?”

“As I am only partially assembled, I experience an uncanny sense of nudity. Beyond that, I am curious as to what has transpired during my time of deactivation.”

“Well, sir, s
ince the shipwreck, we got hooked up with a mess o’ vampires who saved us from a bunch of flesh eating seals. The vampires Shanghaied you, Pol, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn, Dr. X and Professor DiddleFudde to do their evil bidding. After a number of further adventures, we find ourselves here, at the South Pole of planet Earth on the undiscovered continent of NonArctica. These Nosfurotters have cooked up a scheme to keep the North Pole pointed at the Sun so as to keep this, the South Pole, in perpetual darkness.”

“Insidious, sir. How will they accomplish this horrible deed?”

“They have three giant gyroscopes at equilateral distances placed about the South Pole. They intend to use a theory of Professor DiddleFudde’s to manipulate the planet’s orientation. I’m gonna let you complete your reassembly yourself, bud.”

“The mechanical gloves, please, Mr. Temperance.”

“Yessir, Count Drauchulau. Hey Mr. Cogito, these folks kinda have us at their mercies. It is their wish that you wear these mechanical gloves as you proceed with your reassembly.”

“Very good, sir. As I am quite familiar with mechanical hands, bearing a pair myself, I do not see this as a problem. I can quite manage on my own from here.”

“Them gyreescopes are mighty impressive, Count Sezami, but they just ain’t gonna have the ‘oomph’ to accomplish what y’all want.”

“Which is why we were so happy to have your suggestion, my boy. Tectonic Hammer strikes to send resonating vibrations through the planet! Ha, ha! I love it! You may be wondering what those loud noises are that we hear outside. Prior to your arrival, our three mesmerized scientists we see here; say hello boys.”

“Aye, Master, hello.”

“Si, Master, hola.”

“Yao, Master, ni hao.”

“...have been busy disassembling and then casting the clockwork man’s many and varied pieces. We intend to employ a great servant to assist us in regard to the Tectonic Hammer strikes. I believe the final assembly is occurring even as we speak.”

whirr, bzz, clink
“There! That just about does it. Hooray, I am whole again.”

“I sure am glad to hear it, buddy. Come on, Mr. Cogito, take off them mech-gloves and slide down off that table. Count Sezami says he has something outside he wants to show us.”

“Ha, ha! Though the Great Nosferatu, Ekstreme Shriekke, has seen fit to have this elevated viewing platform built to oversee the process, nevertheless, the grand scale and enormity of the production makes its comprehension difficult.”

“I say, I believe I see a mountain suddenly rising in the distance. I am seeing great plains and ranges of icy fields filled with inexplainable movement.”

“Ha, ha! The servant rises!”

whirr, ... bzz, ... clink

“Eh, hem,... I say again, the servant rises!”

whirr, ... bzz, ... clink

“Gosh! Is that an incredible and impossibly huge replica of Mr. Cogito rendered in ice we see before us?”

“Ha, ha! Indeed it is, Ichabod! Ha, ha! Tell me, why does the frozen titan appear to struggle so?”

“Oh, well, it seems the fella that built Mr. Cogito kinda overlooked the possibility that the human replicant might need to get up off the ground.”

“Excuse me?”

“Mr. Cogito suffers from a small design flaw. He is unable to get up off the ground without assistance.”

“What? But we need our giant ice servant replica Cogito to deliver the Tectonic Hammer strikes!”

“Sorry, Count Sezami, but that boy out there ain’t gonna get up off the ground without help and there ain’t none handy.”

whirr, ... bzz, ... clink

“Ha, ha! This is not funny! Has the Hammer been built?”

“Aye, Master.”

“Is the Tectonic Striking plate in position?”

“Si, Master.”

“Can the servant work himself over and into position to strike and work the Hammer from a seated position?”

“Yessir, Master, Ooops! I mean, yessir, Count Sezami, he oughtta be able to scoot himself into the right spot. He will not have as much striking power in his blows from that awkward angle, but he should still deliver a wallop.”

“Make it so!”

whirr, ... bzz, ... clink

skootch

whirr, ... bzz, ... clink

skootch

“Okay, our tin titan of ice is in position.”

“Ha, ha! Have you prepared all the necessary computations to begin the process, Herr Professor DiddleFudde?”

“Yep, Master.”

“Ha, ha! Bring all gyroscopes to terminal velocity!”

“Aye.”

“Ha, ha! Have the servant raise the Hammer!”

“Si.”

“Ha, ha! Have the creature strike the plate!”

“Yao.”

BAY
-YAM!!!

“Hey there, Count Drauchulau, you all got what y’all wanted. How’s about releasing these fellas from that mesmeric spell.”

“Of course, Ichabod. DiddleFudde, Steele, MontalKahn and Xng,
I release you!
”

“Oh, ye blooodthairsty moonsters, Oye’me nae one to dae ye daerke beeding. Peese off ye aweful tyrant!”

“Settle down Pol, I don’t think there’s any more we can do but make a run for the equator before this hemisphere is too frozen to travel on.”

“Oh, I say, my little ice station hero, please come to me. I cannot stand to see you with your feelings hurt. I hope that this show of affection will help you to feel better, my polar paramour.”

Oi vhey, how these humans, Persephone and Ichabod, cling to one another and make with the smooches! It almost makes me want to go for another round with the silent seductress, Vampira.

“Tee, hee! Attaboy Ichabod! Oh, it’s a fine thing to see young lovers indulging in innocent affections, aye.”

“Auwhh,” is impulsively uttered by this audience of over thirty observers looking on in loving sympathies.

“Dang, Miss Plumtartt, I think I felt the Earth move.”

“As did I Mr. Temperance.”

“Aye, as did we all ye daft horny toads. Were we expecting a resonance of that caliber so fast, Professor DiddleFudde?

“No, Mr. Steele. I think we may have made an error when we allowed the servant to strike the plate from a seated position.”

“What sort of error, Professor?”

“Instead of instigating a fixed and centralized positioning of our axis, I think that the misplaced thump will send our planet rotating in a canted rotation and will now quickly succumb to a chaos theory orientation.”