Keeping Secrets (9 page)

“You think just 'cause you eighteen and about to be a mama that you can come up in this motherfucker any time of night?” Yolanda spat as she sat on the couch watching television and smoking a cigarette.

“Ma, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was this late,” Secret said as she entered the house, closing the door behind her. It was almost two in the morning. Secret had never officially had a curfew because she never really went anywhere. She didn't even think about how her mother would react to her coming in at this kind of hour.

After Lucky had dropped Secret back off over Shawdiece's house, Shawndiece insisted Secret tell her every single detail about their date. Before Secret knew it, it was quarter to two in the morning. Shawdiece's mother had allowed her to borrow her car to take Secret home. Secret knew it was late but figured since she almost never went anywhere and never came in late, her mother wouldn't trip too much harder. On top of that, she was eighteen.

“Shawndiece and I went to the movies and then we went back to her house to talk about it and just got caught up.” Secret couldn't believe how quickly that lie made its way between her lips. But more so, she couldn't believe how easy it came out. Being pregnant, forced into full-fledged adulthood, left Secret with little choice but to change. She not only had herself to look out for, but in a few months she'd have a little one to look out for as well.

As Secret stood there, she literally prayed to God that her mother would not ask her what movie the two had gone to see. She was quick on her feet, but not that quick.

“So you went to the movies with Shawndiece, huh?” her mother asked, slicing every inch of her with her eyes. “Shoulda known you was with that whore of a friend of yours. Now she even got you dressing like a whore. And since when can yo' ass walk in heels?”

Secret looked down at her shoes. “They're wedges.”

“Heels, wedges, bitch, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. You always trying to prove to somebody how smart you are. Well, obviously there's somebody smarter than you: the motherfucker who got that scholarship over yo' ass.” Yolanda burst out laughing so hard she began to choke on her cigarette smoke.

“Fuck you.”

Surely her mother had said those words because there is no way Secret had said them. She was thinking them, but no way under the sun could she have ever allowed them to slither from her brain, from her throat, and out of her mouth into her mother's ears. But by the way the world stopped spinning and her mother stared at her, it was obvious the words had somehow managed to escape into the universe.

“What the fuck you say?” Yolanda stood, adjusting her bra strap.

“I, uh, didn't mean to say it,” Secret said, her heart beating so loud she was surprised she could hear her mother's voice over the continuous thump.

“Oh, don't be no punk now. Sure you meant to say the shit, else it wouldn't have come out your muthafuckin' throat.” Yolanda began walking toward Secret. “You done got some dick up in you and think you the shit now. Dressed like you the shit. Talking like you the shit. Oh you just a bad, grown-ass bitch now, huh?” Yolanda dipped back and then stood erect again.

“Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it.” As Yolanda closed in on Secret, she knew her mother was right. Being a punk wasn't about to get her anywhere. She'd said it and now she needed to own it. “I mean it; I just didn't mean to say it out loud because I never want to disrespect you.”

“Bitch, you done already disrespected me by galanting in my house any time of night like you pay the bills.”

“Gallivanting,” Secret said under her breath.

“What?” Yolanda did a double take at her daughter.

“I think you meant to say the word ‘gallivanting.' But I know what you meant,” Secret tried to clean it up.

“I guess you saying to yourself, ‘I know she 'bout to come bust me in my muthafuckin' mouth, so I might as well talk shit and give her something to really fuck me up over.'” Yolanda punched Secret in her mouth so fast that the blood from Secret's lip had already dripped to the floor before Secret even realized what happened.

“Mommy!” Secret yelled out in complete shock. She placed her hands over her mouth as her eyes filled with tears from the pain. Secret had become used to Yolanda's verbal abuse and being knocked upside the head every now and then. But her mother going to extremes and getting physical with her like some stranger on the street stunned her heart.

“Don't ‘Mommy' me. Grown bitches don't holler out for they mommy. Now talk some more shit, ho. You think just 'cause you pregnant I won't floor your ass. Keep running that mouth.”

“I can't believe you just hit me like that while I'm pregnant with your grandchild,” Secret cried. “Grandmother would have never done that.”

Yolanda being compared to her mother made her blood boil over and out the pot. Before she knew it, she'd hauled off and swung on Secret, this time the punch landing on Secret's side. She swung yet again, but this time Secret was able to stop her by grabbing hold of her wrist.

“Oh, not only do you wanna run your mouth,” Yolanda hollered, “but now you wanna put your hands on me, too. Oh you really need me to shut your ass down.”

Yolanda tussled with Secret until they ended up on the ground. Yolanda managed to loosen one of her wrists from Secret's grip. As she yanked her wrist from Secret's hand, Secret's nails sliced down her arm. In pain and anger, Yolanda grabbed Secret by the hair and began slamming her head into the floor. Secret grabbed hold of her mother's wrist again, trying to pull her hands from her head, but she wasn't strong enough.

“Stop it! Stop it!” Secret cried out. She kicked and twisted underneath her mother as she kicked and scrubbed her feet on the ground in a desperate attempt to free herself.

After what felt like forever, Secret managed to muster up a heap of strength, buck her body, and flip her mother off of her. In a flash, Secret was on her feet and back out of the house. Secret didn't look back as she raced down the sidewalk.

“And, bitch, if you think you ever coming back here, you got another think coming,” Yolanda yelled from the porch. “Gon' disrespect me like I ain't gave you life.”

Secret walked down the street crying like a baby as she listened to her mother call her every whore, tramp, ho, and bitch there was. Secret had long been immune to her mother's rage, temper, and verbal insults. But now it wasn't just about her anymore. Now she had another living being to look after, and as far as she was concerned, there was no worse way her mother could have violated her than to attack her while she was pregnant.

“She could have killed my baby,” Secret called out as she was walking in them wedges as if she'd been wearing them all her life. Her adrenaline was all the way turned up. She made it to Shawdiece's house in record time.

She walked up to Shawdiece's double-family home and knocked on the door. Only a few seconds went by, but it felt like hours as she knocked on the door again, harder this time.

“I bet whoever it is betta be the ma'fuckin' police knocking on my shit this time of night like that.”

Secret could hear Shawdiece's mother's voice from the other side of the door.

“I'm sorry, Ms. Franklin,” Secret immediately apologized once Shawndiece's mother opened the door. “Is Shawndiece here?”

“What?” Ms. Franklin eagerly stuck her head out the door and looked around. “She s'posed to be dropping you off. Why you back here and where the fuck she at with my car?” She threw her hands on her hips. “I don't know what kind of game you two are playing, but y'all lucky I got company and ain't had none in a minute or I'd be in both y'all asses.” Ms. Franklin stepped back inside. “When you find Shawndiece, tell her she better fill my tank up; playing games with me.”

Secret stood on the porch stunned as Ms. Franklin closed the door in her face and went back to entertain her company.

Secret began to cry again as she buried her face in her hands. “Oh, God. I can't believe this,” she cried. “What am I going to do?” Secret had no idea what her next step was going to be. What she did know was that she could not, she would not, step foot in her mother's house ever again.

She sat down on the steps. Even though it was summer, there was a chill in the night air. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. She knew she had to come up with something. She couldn't sit on her best friend's porch all night and freeze to death. And if she knocked on Ms. Franklin's door again and interrupted her getting her groove on, she'd probably do worse damage to Secret than her mother had already done.

As snot dripped from Secret's nose, she dug into her purse to get a tissue. She felt around and that's when she pulled out the answer to solve her dilemma.

Secret was beginning to think that her best friend was right; perhaps she really did need a cell phone. She needed a phone right now more than anything. From the looks of things, they just didn't make pay phones anymore.

“You all right?” Secret heard a voice ask her as she exited the gas station lot. She'd gone there hoping to find a pay phone on the grounds but had no such luck.

“No, I'm good,” Secret said on instinct. It was the middle of the night. Good people weren't out lurking in the middle of the night unless they were up to no good. Then she thought for a second. Heck, she was out lurking in the middle of the night and she wasn't up to no good.

“Actually,” Secret said as she turned around to face a woman who was pumping her gas. “Do you happen to have a cell phone I can use?”

“Sure. Hold on a sec. It's on the car charger.” The woman, dressed in scrubs as if she worked in a hospital, finished up pumping her gas and put the nozzle back. “You bold to be out here in the middle of the night in a mini skirt,” the woman said to Secret. “Figure it wasn't by choice, especially with that distressed look on your face like you've lost your best friend.” She went and opened up her car door. She reached in, grabbed her cell phone, and then handed it to Secret.

Speaking of best friend, that's exactly who Secret planned on calling. If Shawndiece was still out in her mother's car, she could come swoop her up. She dialed her best friend's cell phone. She was excited to hear it ring, but her excitement was short-lived, murdered to be exact, when it went straight to voice mail after just one ring.

Secret sighed heavily. She dialed again and again it went straight to voice mail. Shawdiece's phone was apparently turned off.

“No answer?” the woman surmised. “Is there anyone else you can call or somewhere I can drop you off at?”

Secret closed her eyes and tried to think hard about who else she could call. After just a few seconds, her eyes opened, full of renewed hope. She reached in her purse and pulled out the piece of paper she'd been fondling earlier while on Shawdiece's porch. She proceeded to punch the numbers from the piece of paper into the borrowed cell phone.

“Yo,” Secret heard a voice say.

“Hey.” She hesitated in her response.

“Secret?”

“Uh, yeah, hey,” she said, looking down, away from the good Samaritan who was staring down her throat.

“What's going on, girl? Let me guess; your little plan backfired. You done got a taste of me and now you got midnight cravings?” Lucky's laugh flowed through the receiver, putting a half smile on Secret's face for the first time in a minute.

“Something like that, I guess you could say.” Secret tried her best to keep her voice from cracking, but she couldn't help it. Lucky's voice was like a safety net right now that she just wanted to fall into. She just hoped by calling him she wouldn't look desperate or that it would turn him off when he learned the truth about her home life.

“You okay?” Concern trimmed out Lucky's words.

Secret paused, swallowing tears. “I hate to call on you, but I wouldn't if I really didn't—”

“Yo, you can call on me whenever. What's up?”

Where was Shawndiece when Secret really needed her? Certainly her friend would have been able to feed her some quick lie to share with Lucky. All Secret had was the truth. She prayed the truth wouldn't make Lucky think she was this little girl with issues with her mommy at home. What man would want to deal with that kind of drama? Well, she had no choice but to find out. “I kind of got into it with my mom and she put me out.” Secret ran her hand down her hair, realizing for the first time that it was in total disarray. She had no idea she'd been walking around with her hair standing on top of her head like she was one of those Treasure Troll dolls she used to play with when she was little. “I tried to call Shawndiece to come pick me up, but—”

“Where are you?” Lucky interrupted her for the second time.

Secret quickly put her hand over her mouth to hold in the cry that wanted to yelp out. She was so touched that Lucky was willing to help her without hesitating. Her eyes watered and the owner of the cell phone rested her hand on her shoulder, letting her know it would be okay. She then voiced her gesture. “Li'l Muffin, it's going to be all right.” The woman smiled, her comforting reassurance putting a smile on Secret's face, enabling her to pull herself together and finish her conversation with Lucky.

Secret looked around at the street signs and then told Lucky where she was.

“Cool. You inside the gas station? You using their phone?”

“No, this lady let me use her cell phone. I'm outside.”

“Well, go inside and wait for me. I'm on the other side of town, so it's gonna take me a minute. Go inside and wait,” Lucky repeated for good measure.

Secret nodded as if Lucky could see her sign for understanding through the phone. “Okay.” Secret ended the phone call and then handed the phone back to the woman. “Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. My friend is on his way. I'm going to go wait inside.”

“Fine. I'll wait with you,” the woman offered.

“Oh, you don't have to do that,” Secret told her. “It's late.” She pointed to her. “And it looks like you either just got off work or are headed to work.”

“Just got off,” the woman informed her. “Oh, by the way, I'm Ray. That's what my friends call me. It's short for Raygiene.” The woman extended her hand to Secret.

“Thank you, Ray.” Secret shook her hand. “But really you don't have to wait. I'll be fine. My friend will be here in a minute.”

“You sure? Because I don't mind. Really, I don't. Pretty girl like yourself out here dressed like you're about to hit the runway . . .”

Once again, Secret smiled. “Thank you.” She knew the woman was just being nice, trying to comfort her. She looked a hot mess and she knew it. “But you've done plenty. I'll be fine.” Secret thanked Ray again and then made her way inside the gas station.

She went to the bathroom to straighten herself up a little before Lucky arrived. Even after she'd used the bathroom and got herself together, she waited inside a little longer. She'd rather wait in there than stand out in the gas station looking like a hooker waiting for her pimp to come scoop her up.

After about twenty minutes, Secret made her way out of the bathroom. She crossed her fingers that when she looked out the gas station door she'd see Lucky's truck, but she didn't. She did see something else that put a surprised look on her face. Secret smiled and waved.

Ray, who stood outside leaning against her car, waved back.

Secret shook her head. She couldn't believe this complete stranger had thought so much about her safety as to wait and look out for her. A horn tore Secret from her thoughts. Her eyes darted to see Lucky's SUV pulling up in front of the door. Secret hurried and exited out the door at the same time Lucky was getting out of his truck. He made it to the passenger's side just in time to open the door for Secret.

“You all ri—”

Before Lucky could even get his complete sentence out of his mouth, Secret threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you so much for coming. I hope you don't think I'm some chick with drama, but . . .” Secret's words trailed off when Lucky pulled away and placed his index finger over her slightly swollen lips.

“Ma, I know drama, and this ain't shit,” he told her. “Come on. Get in.” He opened the door for her, waited until she was nice and situated, and then closed the door. He walked around to the driver's side and got in. He then looked at Secret and said, “Where to?”

She looked down. She hadn't thought that far in advance. She just knew that she needed to get off the streets. “I can't go home,” was all she said.

Lucky put the vehicle in drive. “Don't worry, I got you.”

As they pulled off, Secret thought about Ray and wanted to give a thank-you wave. But as they drove away, she realized Ray had already driven away and was nowhere in sight.

Secret sat back in the seat with her seat belt on. She had no idea where she was going, but was just glad to be going somewhere other than home. She looked down at her stomach.