Keeping Secrets (12 page)

“Pregnant?” Lucky couldn't believe his ears. He sat in the hotel room, on the couch next to Secret. She was staring at him, trying to see if she could read his emotions. He wouldn't look at her, though. He just looked straight ahead. He washed his hands down his face and then still just looked straight ahead.

“I'm sorry,” Secret finally said. She was sorrier than Lucky would ever know. She was sorry for the huge lie she was about to live with this man.

“Are you sure?” was all Lucky said, still not looking at her.

Secret got up and went to the bathroom. A few second later she returned with some sort of stick in her hand. She extended it to Lucky. He looked at it for a moment. He looked up at Secret for the first time and then looked back down at the stick. He took it from her hand and then studied it.

“Pregnant,” he read the message on the rectangular caller ID–type screen on the stick.

“And that's the second one. Shawndiece and I bought two just to be sure. Both read that I was pregnant.”

Secret hadn't made the doctor's appointment she'd told Lucky she had after he suggested she go see the doctor. He was genuinely worried a couple days ago after he had to pull over to the side of the road for Secret to throw up. She didn't need to go to the doctor's because she knew exactly what was wrong with her. But she also needed proof, which was when Shawndiece informed her that it was cheaper to stop off at CVS and pick up a couple pregnancy tests than it was to visit a doctor with no insurance. Secret knew Lucky would have paid for the appointment, but she was already doing him wrong. She didn't want to do any extra if she didn't have to. Secret had already gone to the free clinic and they'd confirmed her pregnancy with both a urine and blood test, so that wasn't an option.

“Pregnant,” Lucky said under his breath again. He stared down at the results on the stick. “Pregnant.” It was clear he was having a hard time dealing with the reality Secret had presented him with. “Man, I didn't see this coming.” He continued shaking his head.

Secret had a feeling things weren't going to go so well. There wasn't an ounce of excitement in either Lucky's voice or his eyes. “Yes, I'm pregnant.”

Lucky looked at her for what seemed like forever. “Are you ready to be a mother?”

Secret's eyes got big. What exactly did Lucky mean by that? Shawndiece had warned Secret that the first thing Lucky would probably ask her was how much she needed for an abortion. She had been schooled how to answer that question and the series of others that would be the follow up. But this question she hadn't prepared for? Was it some kind of trick question?

“I, uhhh . . .” Secret was stumped.

“Or did you wanna get a . . . you know . . .” Lucky allowed his words to drop off, hoping Secret would pick them up. Any other chick, or at least any of the others he'd gotten knocked up, already had their hand out for the amount of money they would need for the abortion as well as what they'd need from him for pain and suffering. He had to keep telling himself though that Secret wasn't those other girls. Therefore, he needed to handle things differently with her than he would with the next chick.

Okay, here it comes,
Secret thought. This was the path Lucky would try to take that Shawndiece had warned her about. It was time for the detour.

“I hate to say this, but I'm so glad my grandmother isn't here to see me right now. She'd be so disappointed,” Secret started. “This isn't what she wanted for me. Let my mom tell it, my grandmother used to be a force to be reckoned with, but that's not the grandmother I knew. The grandmother I knew raised me in church and taught me all the Christian values she thought I'd need to survive the pull of the streets.” She looked up at Lucky with tears in her eyes. “I'm sorry I brought all of this on you. But to answer your question, no, I'm not ready to be a mother and I know you're not ready to be a father. I should have thought about that before I had unprotected sex with you. Yeah, you could have used a condom, but I should have been on the pill. I should have at least told you that I wasn't on the pill.”

Secret swallowed and then hurried to continue her spiel just like Shawndiece had told her to do. She was not supposed to let Lucky get a word in edgewise until she was finished with her entire speech. “Fornicating and getting pregnant I'm sure has my grandmother rolling over in her grave. And even though I'm not ready to be a mother, that's exactly what I'm going to have to be. I'm not going to add sin on top of sin by killing my baby through abortion.” She squeezed the tears out of her eyes. She then touched Lucky on the cheek. “But what I'm not going to do is force you into being a father.”

The look of shock on Lucky's face let Secret know she had him just where she wanted him. So she went on. “The last couple or so weeks of my life, Lucky, have been . . .” She stared off as if she were reminiscing about a trip to Disney World as a child. “It's been like a fairytale, and that's all because of you. You are right; no one, man or woman, has treated me the way you have treated me. Has made me feel the way you have made me feel. And this child I'm carrying”—she rubbed her stomach—“will forever be a reminder of that.”

Secret sighed and turned away. “Shawndiece is going to drive me downtown tomorrow to get the ball rolling with getting on public assistance. I'm going to look into government housing as well. Shawndiece said until I get set up with a place, I can stay with her. And don't worry; I'm not going to name you as the father on the birth certificate or anything. That way they won't try to come after you for child support. I'm going to take responsibility for this.” Secret paused. The ball was now in Lucky's court.

“Damn, I don't even know what to say. I'm like four, five years up on you, yet you sitting here ready to take on more responsibility than I could have ever dreamed of doing.” He chuckled. “Hell, you got a nigga all fucked up. Not just with the situation, but with the way you ready to hold the situation down solo.”

Secret didn't respond. She just let him continue to dribble the ball.

“I'ma keep it one hun'id with you; I had no idea where this thing with you was headed. I just know that I was feeling you and really enjoyed your company. And you right; it's been like a fucking fairytale for real. I ain't never picture me giving so much time to no chick. But with you . . . it's just crazy. Not sounding like no pedophile or child molester, but I've really felt like a father running home to see his little girl. And please don't take that the wrong way, 'cause I don't even get down like that.”

Secret smiled her understanding of what he was trying to say.

“But a baby.” He shook his head. “Damn, Secret. I can't even say that's what I see in my future with you.”

Secret's heart dropped. She knew Lucky was about to drop her. He was about to call her bluff by sending her packing to Shawndiece's house.

“So even though a baby is not what I see in my future with you,” Lucky continued, “Looks like, regardless, that's what the future holds, because as foul a nigga as I might have ever been in my life, I ain't never gon' be one a mutherfucker can say didn't take care of his seed.” He put his hand on Secret's stomach. “I just hope it's a boy.”

Secret was elated at Lucky's reaction to the news that he was about to become a daddy by a girl he'd just met. And now it was time for Secret to be honest with herself: this was no longer just all about the baby. She was falling hard for Lucky. He always told her how different she was from other girls. Well, he was different from other guys, at least, the ones she'd heard about or met through Shawndiece. Everything in Secret wanted to get up and do the Holy Ghost dance like they used to do at her grandmother's church, but instead she just broke out in tears while thinking,
slam dunk! It's on, baby!

“Your pussy must be lined in gold!” Shawndiece said as she walked in the hotel room and high-fived Secret.

“Girl, I thought I was going to fall out and die. I was literally holding my breath to the point I was about to pass out.” Secret put her hand on her chest. “When I told that man I was pregnant, I thought it was game over before we even got to half time.”

“Bitch, I told you it was all going to work out.” Shawndiece sucked her teeth. “Ye of little faith.” She strolled over to the mini fridge. “What y'all got to snack on?” She opened the fridge and pulled out a chocolate pudding. She peeled the foil back on it and began eating it with her index finger. “Come on, trick, so we can go practice driving. I ain't gon' be driving you and some crying-ass baby around.”

“Girl, you have had free rein of a car you don't have to pay for and half put gas in. You should be grateful whether you driving just me or me and a baby.”

Shawndiece stopped and thought for a moment. “Yeah, you right. My bad. Get yo' shit. Let's go.”

“Hold on, heifer.” Secret chuckled as she went in the room to get her shoes and purse.

“Hurry up so when we get in the car you can tell me the whole scoop, word for word, what all he said.”

Shawndiece had been taking Secret out for driving lessons in the parking lot of a closed-down store. Being the wiz Secret was, she'd already passed the written exam and had her temps. She caught on to things quickly and realized it would only be a matter of time before she aced this driving thing.

 

 

After Secret practiced driving for about an hour, the two went and picked up a copy of Secret's birth certificate. Shawndiece told her she was going to need that in order to sign up for welfare. Secret carried her social security card in her wallet, so she was good on that end.

The girls headed down to the welfare department with all the documentation they thought Secret might need in hand. After almost four hours of signing in, filling out an application, and being interviewed by a case worker, Secret was approved for a medical card, food stamps, and a monthly check. When Lucky extended Secret's stay at the hotel, he put the room in her name. She was basically considered homeless, so her case worker saw to it that she received emergency and immediate assistance. She also gave Secret the information she would need to get emergency housing assistance as well.

 

 

Three weeks from the date Secret told Lucky she was pregnant, she had a driver's license to drive her car on her own, an apartment in a pretty decent neighborhood, a fridge full of food, and had gone to her first prenatal appointment. She learned that she was around eight weeks pregnant. With the due date her doctor had given her, the math would be easy for Lucky to do to figure out that Secret had been pregnant for at least two or three weeks on the day he met her, let alone had unprotected sex with her.

Shawndiece had taken the documentation from Secret's prenatal appointment to her mother's hair salon.

“Hey, ma,” Shawndiece greeted her mother as she entered the shop. Secret was on her heels.

“Hi, Miss Franklin,” Secret said to Shawndiece's mother.

“Ma, I need to use the copy machine in your office right quick,” Shawndiece said, as she kept walking toward the back of the shop where her mother's office was. “And you got any Wite-Out?”

“There some in the middle drawer of my desk,” her mother returned. “Oh, yeah, hey, Secret.”

Secret waved and followed Shawndiece back to her mother's office.

“You bring that due date paper in with you didn't you?” Shawndiece threw over her shoulder as she went and opened the drawer and pulled out the Wite-Out.

“Mmmm, hmmm.” Secret handed her the paper.

Shawndiece went and made a copy of the paper on her mother's printer that served as a fax and copy machine as well as a scanner. “Here you go.” She gave Secret her original back. She then began whiting out something on the copy she'd just made. She picked up the copy and began to blow the Wite-Out dry. Once it was dry she grabbed a black pen off her mother's desk and began to write something on the copy of the due date paper. She stopped momentarily and began counting on her fingers and in her head. She then continued writing.

Secret just stood there watching Shawndiece do her thing.

Next, Shawndiece took the copy and duplicated it on the copy machine. Before removing the freshly made copy, she took the original back out of Secret's hand and the copy she'd just made a copy of from off the glass of the copy machine. She then began ripping them both into shreds and then pitched them into the garbage can.

“What are you doing?” Secret asked in confusion as she watched Shawndiece.

“Getting rid of any evidence that might come back to haunt your ass.” Shawndiece got the copy from the copy machine and then handed it to Secret. “Wah la.” She held her hands out.

“How many times do I have to tell you it's voila?” Secret corrected and rolled her eyes, allowing them to land on the piece of paper Shawndiece had just handed her.

Secret's eyes grew as huge as saucers as she read the paper. “Girl, you changed the due date.”

“Yep. Just in case Lucky wants proof; you've now got it.” She pointed to the trash can. “And we've gotten rid of anything else that might say otherwise. Just don't let that nigga go to none of your doctor's appointments with you and you should be all right.”

Secret looked up from the paper at Shawndiece. “Girl, with all these skills you got, surely you can put it to use somewhere and make you some real money on your own. I mean, Shawn, you are the Queen of Scam.”

“Yeah, I should start charging hoes on how to get money from these sorry-ass niggas. Take one-third of their earnings like a lawyer or some shit.” Shawndiece laughed.

“I can see your office sign now,” Secret added. “Office of Shawndiece Franklin: Don't be the ho, be the pimp. Learn how to ho your pimp.” Secret laughed.

“And you just remember that you're my first client. So when Lucky start breaking you off an allowance or something, which he will in lieu of child support, don't forget my cut.”

“Trust me,” Secret said, looking down at the altered paper, “you have earned it.”

They exited the office, said their good-byes to Shawndiece's mother, and then Secret dropped Shawndiece off at her house before heading back to her house.

Secret was glad she had her own place now, but she had to admit that she missed having maid and room service at the hotel. No, she wasn't packing up to head off to college. Yes, she was shopping to decorate a nursery instead of her college dorm. Still and yet, she wasn't under her mother's roof having to deal with the likes of all her “I told you so's.”

The good thing about the situation Secret found herself in was that Lucky was taking good care of her. The bad thing was that the honeymoon was over and she didn't see as much of Lucky as she did when she was staying at the hotel. She hoped that would all change once she had their child.

“Our child,” Secret spoke between her lips as she ran her bathwater. The fact that she was starting to believe her own lie scared her. This was no more Lucky's baby than it was the man on the moon.

As she began to peel off her clothes to take a bath after her long day with Shawndiece, Secret stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. Guilt took over her. Not just the guilt of the scheme she was running on Lucky, but the guilt of the fact that she was in complete bliss.

“Oh, God,” she said to her reflection in the mirror. “I'm happy. I'm in total bliss. But how can I be so happy knowing I'm doing something so wrong? Knowing I could ultimately hurt someone?” She looked down at her baby bump.

Secret's mind began to assault her conscience. Yeah, she was getting away with murder right now, but what about the future? What if all of the lies came back to haunt her?

“Everything done in the dark comes to light,” her grandmother once told her, even showed her a scripture in the Bible that confirmed it.

Hearing those words play themselves over and over in her mind, as far as Secret was concerned, was like a warning that eventually all of this would catch up with her.

She envisioned her and Lucky at the altar about to say their “I do's.” As soon as the preacher summoned anyone to speak as to why the two should not be wed in holy matrimony, someone would stand and confess Secret's dark secret on her behalf. She envisioned the baby getting sick and needing a blood transfusion or something. When Lucky would go to give blood the doctors would inform him that the baby couldn't possibly biologically be his.

Then what? What would Secret do? What would Secret say if any of this ever came to pass?

Then the big one crushed down on her conscience like a shoe coming down on a roach once the kitchen lights in a roach-infested home got turned on. How would this affect her baby? Lucky might run out on her, leave her standing at the altar, but he'd more than likely leave the child as well . . . just like her father had left her.

It would be a vicious cycle, a family curse, repeating itself over and over and over again.

“No,” Secret said to herself, shaking her head at her reflection in the mirror. “I won't let you do this.”

“Won't let who do what?”

“Arrrrggggg!” Secret screamed out at the startling deep voice. Between the bathwater pounding into the tub and her drowning in her own thoughts, she hadn't even heard Lucky enter the home. “What are you doing here?” Secret hadn't expected to see Lucky for a few days. He'd already been by to check on her twice that week. Three times in one week would be a first.

“A nigga can't stop by and check in on his baby mama?” He kissed her on the cheek. “Damn, you sexy as hell pregnant.” He eyeballed her naked body.

Secret immediately grabbed a towel and covered herself up with it. It wasn't as if Lucky hadn't seen her naked before, it was just that this time she felt exposed, exposed in a different way. This time she felt as if he could see right through her nakedness and down to her soul . . . her lying-ass soul.

“So you talking to yourself now?” Lucky asked her. “I be away from you that long that now you talk to yourself?” He placed a hand on each of Secret's shoulders and turned her toward him. “I can't have that, now can I? Which is why I have a special treat planned for you.” He looked over at the tub. “Hop your ass in that tub, get to smelling all good, put on something sexy, pack an overnight bag, and then meet me downstairs.” Lucky kissed Secret on the forehead and went to exit the bathroom.

“Lucky, wait . . . what . . . what's going on?” Secret asked, not sounding excited at all, more like burdened.

“I said I got something special for you,” Lucky told her.

She didn't deserve it is how Secret felt. She did not deserve Lucky and she sure didn't deserve whatever it was he had all planned out for her. She was a fake, a phony, and a liar. This wasn't who she was. The real Secret was kind, honest, and loveable. Who wouldn't love and want to be with somebody like that? With that being said, Secret figured if she revealed her true self to Lucky, he would have no choice but to still love her. To still want to be with her. He might not want to claim her baby as his own, but that would be something she'd just have to live with. What she couldn't live with was this lie eating away at her.

“Before we go to do this surprise or whatever,” Secret said to Lucky, “can we talk first? There's something I need to tell you.”