Keeping Secrets

Treasure Hernandez

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Table of Contents

“I don't know why the fuck you sitting there looking out that window; like that sorry-ass motherfucker really gonna come strolling up that walkway,” Yolanda spat off to her seventeen-year-old daughter, Secret.

“Ma, please,” Secret said, sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes. “Not today. Okay? Dang, if he comes, he comes. If he doesn't, he doesn't. But it doesn't make it any better with you breathing down my neck, hurling all those insults.”

“
Hurling,
” Yolanda mocked. “Bitch first one in the family to finish high school and now she using big words like hurling.” Yolanda roared out a taunting laugh. “It doesn't matter whether you graduate high school, college, or whatever. You gonna be living right here in the hood like the rest of us. So don't go thinking you all that now that you got a degree.”

“Diploma,” Secret said under her breath.

“Huh? What was that?” Yolanda questioned, placing her hand to her ear, signaling Secret to speak up. “You think you smart
and
grown? Then if it's like that, if you got something to say, bitch, then say it loud enough for another bitch to hear.”

Secret knew it was probably in her best interest to just stay quiet and not repeat herself. There was nothing her mother hated more than being made to feel belittled by having Secret correct her. But how Secret saw it, Yolanda was already on a roll. She was going to pick at her regardless, so she might as well give her something to bitch about.

“I said it's a diploma—a high school diploma—not a degree. A degree is what you get from college.”

Secret had already braced herself for the smack before Yolanda's hand had even risen in the air. When it landed on her left cheek, Secret didn't even flinch. She just let off a smirk and turned her attention back toward the window.

“Stupid bitch,” Yolanda said, realizing her daughter was immune to all her ranting and raving . . . and now even her physical blows. She'd been beating Secret down with her tongue before the child even came out of her womb. She was just so filled with hate. It wasn't Secret she hated, it was Secret's father, Rolland, a man fifteen years her senior.

When Yolanda got pregnant with Secret she was actually just about Secret's age now. Rolland was her school bus driver. Yolanda was his first and only pick-up and last and only drop-off. In total they only spent about five minutes alone on the bus each weekday. But that's all it took for Rolland to talk the seventeen-year-old into hooking up with him.

Everything started out innocent enough with Rolland playing more the role of a big brother or favorite uncle. He'd lend a listening ear while she talked about high school woes. He'd take her to the movies, out for ice cream, skating, just fun stuff that young girls her age liked to do.

Little things meant a lot to young neighborhood girls like Yolanda, who never had a father in her life to do those types of things with. It was as if every little thing she wanted while they were out she got. No one could have told young Yolanda that Rolland wasn't ballin' after buying her a gold necklace, a purse, a couple outfits, and a pair of Nikes. At first she hid her relationship with Rolland from everybody, including her mother. She came clean when her mother noticed all of her new, nice things, things her single mother couldn't afford and neither could Yolanda, since she wasn't even working at the time.

Young Yolanda was surprised when her mother didn't disapprove of the relationship. She actually cheered Yolanda on to continue the relationship and take it to higher levels. “Hell, the more he buys you, the less I have to,” was her mother's theory. “Plus you might as well learn young the power of pussy.”

Yolanda's mother's mouth dropped open when Yolanda revealed that it wasn't like that with Rolland, that she hadn't had sex with him, and, in fact, she was still a virgin.

“Oh, so that's what all these gifts are,” her mother said. “He was just getting the pussy nice and wet. Prepping you.” A grin spread across her lips. “Well, damn, if he got you all that shit just by smelling the pussy, no telling what that nigga gon' break you off when he actually get to run up in it.”

Yolanda's mother immediately went and popped in a porn, teaching Yolanda how to give it to Rolland properly. Sometimes a humiliated Yolanda would even have to endure some hands-on demonstrations by her mother.

To make a long story short, Yolanda lost her virginity to Rolland, and when she ended up pregnant, he lost his job. Rumors about Yolanda and Rolland started to surface, and before any truth was discovered, Rolland quit. Yolanda's mother was pissed to say the least. Here she had given this man her underage baby girl on a silver platter so that he could keep her laced with material things, and he went and relinquished his only source of income. But as pissed as Yolanda's mother might have been, nobody was more teed off than Rolland's wife and three kids, about whom he'd never told Yolanda.

Things went from bad to worse. Yolanda's mother put her and her new baby girl out when she realized what she thought would lead to a profit ended up being a deficit. Rolland's wife put him out and his kids turned their back on him, with the help of their mother pounding into their head how sorry their daddy was. The lopsided-in-age couple lived together for a little while in the Section 8 apartment Yolanda got approved for. Rolland tried to make some fast money by trying his hand at the crack game, but ended up getting high off his own supply. Ultimately he chose crack and a life on the streets over Yolanda and their child together, having robbed Yolanda of her youth and her household gadgets such as televisions, then ultimately leaving her and her baby to fend for themselves. For that, a seed of hate was embedded in Yolanda for Rolland that unfortunately trickled down to his seed, their child together, Secret Miller.

“Sit your ass in that window until the fucking end of the world for all I care,” Yolanda spat to Secret, picking up her pack of cigarettes from the coffee table and placing one in her mouth. She used the lighter that was tucked down in the outer packaging of the pack to light her cigarette. She then placed the lighter back into its safe haven and threw the pack back down on the table. “But just in case that no-good daddy of yours does show up, make him stop at KFC and buy me some chicken. A two-piece dark. And if you get me that ol' baked shit instead of fried like you did the last time, I'ma bust you upside your muthafuckin' head.” Yolanda took a drag, exhaled, then headed down the hall to her bedroom in their two-bedroom apartment. She mumbled, “That's the least that bum owes me for ruining my life,” before her door slammed.

Secret jumped when she heard the door nearly come off the hinges. She closed her eyes. She wasn't sure if she was trying to keep the tears in or the pain; both always managed to show themselves through her eyes.

Pain was all she knew: pain from her mother being in her life and pain from her father not being in her life. Funny thing was, she resented her mother more. At least Rolland had the decency to not poison her twenty-four-seven like her mother did. He'd realized that he was a better father out of her life than in it. If only Yolanda could grab hold of that same theory.

How Secret saw it, if Rolland could rescue her from her mother for just five minutes, he was all right by her. Secret had to admit though, over the years she'd waited by that window for him to show up after he'd sworn on a stack of Bibles he'd be there “this time” more times than she could count.

Him being a no-show was worse when Secret was younger, but now, like with her mother, she was immune to it. It hurt, but not so bad anymore.

Secret looked down at her watch, one of the very few things Rolland had ever gotten her. It was almost seven o'clock, six fifty-four to be exact. It hit Secret that she'd been in that window since two o'clock, the original time Rolland had said he'd be there to get her.

“I might run a little late because I have a job interview,” Rolland had said on his phone call to Secret earlier that morning, “but I promise you, Daddy gon' be there. I missed your high school graduation last weekend, but I'm going to make it up to you. I got you a special present.”

He had sounded so sincere to Secret's ears. But then again he always had. As the clock struck seven, Secret had to force herself to come to the reality that this was going to be another one of those times when her father didn't show up.

She closed the curtain and stood up. “Guess I better take out some chicken to fry,” she said to herself, knowing that Yolanda was going to demand some chicken one way or the other. Secret walked to the kitchen, opened the freezer, and looked around.

“Bingo,” she said, eyeing a pack of leg quarters. She picked up the frozen chicken, then closed the refrigerator. She then made her way over to the sink in preparation of filling it with hot water in order to start thawing the chicken. Before she could turn on the water she heard the doorbell ring.

Just as frozen as the chicken that rested in her hands, a glimmer of hope sparkled in Secret's eyes.

Secret, sure that it was her father at the door, took the chicken and placed it back in the freezer. With a huge smile on her face she ran to the door and flung it wide open. “I knew you would come. . . .” Her words trailed off.

“Well, I ain't had that type of greeting since I showed up on my baby daddy's doorstep wearing nothing but a rain jacket and some red open-toe stilettos.” Sissy, their next-door neighbor, laughed. “But anyway, here.” She shoved a cup into Secret's hand. “That's the cup your mother let me borrow some sugar in the other day. She raised hell about me not returning her cup. So make sure you let her know I brought it back, with her ol' stingy evil self,” Sissy murmured. “But don't tell her I said that. I need to keep her on my good side.” She laughed as if she'd just told the funniest joke in the world. “With six kids over there, God only knows what I might need to borrow tomorrow.” Sissy winked and trotted off back to the apartment next door.

Secret stared down in the cup. For a minute she thought she might fill it with tears. “You're a big girl now,” she coached herself. “Keep it together.”

She slowly turned around and began to close the door behind her, but then something blocked it.

“I ain't seen you in all this time and this how you treat me? You just gon' slam the door in your daddy's face?”

Secret looked up to see Rolland standing there, his foot blocking the door to keep it from closing and his arms spread out as wide as the smile on his face, beckoning her for a hug.

“Daddy!” Secret cried out, then collapsed in her father's arms. “I just knew you were coming this time. I just knew it.” Secret sniffled back tears of joy. God had answered her prayers. She was about to get some peace from the wrath of Yolanda. Who cared if it was just a couple of hours? It was two hours of peace she otherwise would not have had.

“Baby girl, I told you I was coming.” Rolland pulled back from Secret and held her at arm's length. “You're not crying are you?”

“No, Daddy, uh-uh.” Secret turned away from her father and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She blinked away the forming tears in her eyes. “Let me get my purse; then we can go.”

Just as Secret headed down the hallway to her room Yolanda's door opened. She came out holding a cigarette between her fingers, patting her hair into place. Although a few minutes ago she'd been wearing a hot pink jogging suit, she was now clad in a short nightgown with a pink robe that was deliberately untied.

Secret stopped before heading into her room. She gave her mother the once-over. “I see you changed into something more comfortable.” It was apparent Yolanda had obviously heard Secret shout out that her father was there and did a quick change. Perhaps she was trying to get with her father. Maybe she was just trying to tease Rolland, show him what he was missing out on. Either way, Secret was disgusted. She shook her head then headed to her room to grab her purse.

“Yolanda, you looking good,” Rolland said, rubbing his hands together and licking his lips.

“Nigga, go on somewhere with that bullshit,” Yolanda said. “You know I've always looked good.” She cracked a smile and then walked into the living room where Rolland stood, waiting for his daughter.

“You right about that,” Rolland agreed.

Yolanda just stood there for a minute eyeballing Rolland up and down. “You ain't looking too bad yourself. You ain't on that shit no more are you? Because I don't want you having my daugh—”

“All right, Dad. I'm ready,” Secret said as she came bouncing out of her room like she was a seven-year-old instead of seventeen.

For some reason, whenever her father did come around, it was like she regressed to the little girl he left behind all those years ago. It was a telltale sign of her longing to be daddy's little girl.

“Then let's go,” Rolland said, clapping his hands together.

He did not have to tell Secret twice, as she was already halfway out the door.

“You take care of yourself, Yolanda,” Rolland said, backpedaling.

“Umm, hmm, Rolland.” Yolanda bit the bottom of her lip in a sexy, teasing manner. “Maybe when you drop Secret off you can come in and maybe we can share a little nightcap or something. You know, like old times.” Yolanda was trying her hardest not to let the desperate look show through her eyes as she painted on a smile to cover it up.

“Maybe,” Rolland said, turning and walking away before throwing another, “Maybe,” over his shoulder.

“Maybe?” Yolanda said under her breath. “Bitch throwing pussy at you like this and yo' ass talking about some maybe?” Yolanda held her middle finger up and mumbled under her breath, “Fuck you, Rolland Miller. Fuck you!” before slamming the door closed.

“So where are we going, Dad?” Secret asked as she and Rolland drove out of her Flint, Michigan neighborhood. “Oh, and what about the graduation present you said you had for me?” Secret looked in the back seat hoping to see a beautifully wrapped graduation present sitting in the back. All she saw were empty beer cans, some McDonald's trash, and a couple CD cases. She turned back around, disappointed.

“Oh, don't worry, baby girl,” Rolland said after looking over and seeing the disappointment on his daughter's face. “Daddy got you. Matter of fact, we 'bout to make this stop and then we gon' go get your present. I promise.” Rolland patted Secret's knee.

Secret looked over at her father and smiled, then looked down at her knee that he was still patting almost subconsciously. She politely removed his hand from her leg.

“Oh, my bad,” Rolland said with just a hint of nervousness behind his tone. He seemed so preoccupied and uptight about something. “So how was graduation? Did you graduate with summa cum laude or something? I know you did, as smart as you are.”

“Graduation was good. No, I didn't graduate summa cum laude, but my grades were pretty good.” Secret thought about how hard she'd worked to maintain an A average all throughout high school. Not going to college was not an option, so she sacrificed her high school years hitting the books instead of having fun and hitting the streets like most of her peers. “I'm still waiting to hear back about this scholarship I applied for. If it comes through, I plan on moving to Ohio and go to The Ohio State University. Just to get away, you know.”

“Oh, no, you can't become a Buckeye. Folks here will skin you alive when you come back to visit if you go attend school at their biggest rival university in history.”

Secret laughed at her father's exaggeration. “Dad, you crazy, but I just think OSU will be perfect. It's not too far, but far enough to get away from . . .” Secret's words trailed off.

“From that mother of yours,” Rolland leaned in and said in a whisper.

Secret just smiled and shrugged, her way of saying yes without actually verbalizing it.

“Trust me, I understand. That's why I had to leave her.”

Secret's smiled faded. “But you didn't just leave her. You left me too,” Secret said almost as if she'd been waiting for an opportunity to say that to her father.

There was brief silence in the car as Rolland just looked ahead while driving. Finally he said the words, “You are absolutely right and I'm sorry.”

Secret exhaled at Rolland's last two words.
I'm sorry.
That's all she'd ever wanted to hear her father say. It would mean that he acknowledged that he was wrong, and not that something was wrong with her. Because for years she had wondered if she had anything to do with her father's disappearing act. Had she done something wrong? Now she knew nothing was wrong with her. Rolland's leaving was on him and not about her. And then of course Yolanda had her part in it. Secret couldn't half blame him for wanting to get as far away from her mother as possible. After all, that was her ultimate goal as well. The Ohio State University would have to be far enough.

Secret turned to look at her father as he continued talking.

“At the time, when I left your mother, I didn't even look at it as if I was walking out on you too. Daddy had so much going on in life. I was messed up, baby girl,” he said, shaking his head. “I was messed up and I messed up. And, baby, I am soo soo sorry. Daddy means that from the bottom of his heart.” This time he just rested his hand on her knee without all the tapping. “And I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Secret didn't even care if the tears that filled her eyes fell. She was overjoyed with her father's long-overdue apology. “Yes, Daddy, I forgive you.” Secret placed her hand on top of her father's. “I forgive you.”

Rolland looked at his weeping daughter and almost shed a tear himself, but he quickly gained his composure and looked dead on as he drove. “Just know that I'll do anything for you, Secret, anything at all.”

Secret looked over at her father and into his eyes. She had eyes like him. No matter how much he had been or had not been in her life, he was her blood. They were a part of each other. Just this thought alone tugged at her heart.

“Daddy,” Secret said after Rolland had directed his attention back to the road.

“Yes, baby girl,” he said, busting a sharp right.

“I'll do anything for you too.”

Rolland was so moved that he dang near slowed the car down to a complete stop. He turned and faced Secret. Rubbing her cheek with the back of his hand he said, “Secret, you have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that.”

Secret simply smiled, ignorant of the underlying meaning of Rolland's words.