Life With Toddlers (7 page)

Binky/Pacifier:
Example of modified/made up sign: Index finger to mouth

Help:
Open left palm; right fist on palm

More:
Fingers together

Sleep/Bed

One last note about teaching signs; don’t bother with “yes” and “no”.  It may seem terribly obvious to you that they can actually shake their head for these two signs, but you’d be surprised how you’re thinking clouds when you’re trying something new.  I once walked into an ICU room to evaluate a patient who had recently suffered a stroke and couldn’t talk or communicate.  His well-intentioned and loving family had already started a method of squeeze-my-hand-once-for-yes-and-twice-for-no.  Imagine their surprise when I asked the patient questions to which he shook his head “yes” and “no”.  Once I determined that he was answering questions appropriately and hadn’t suffered brain damage affecting his basic comprehension, I told the family that hand squeezing to communicate “yes” and “no” wasn’t necessary.  Besides, those two signs are too difficult for toddler hands to master.   

To wrap up, I’ll answer the burning question I just know you’re dying to ask: Does using Sign Language delay speech?  My answer is no.  Going on sheer experience, kids will acquire language and speech when they acquire language and speech.  Period.  They will stop signing when it becomes easier for them to talk to communicate needs.  If a language or speech problem exists, it’s going to exist from the get-go.  It’s just how babies are wired when they pop out.  We can either help them along or hinder the process.  Teaching Sign Language helps children communicate faster.  In doing so, needs are met and kids stay happy.  Can you imagine how trapped a child feels when language or speech is already delayed and they have no way to communicate except crying and pointing?  Go ahead and pour me a cup of Pepto because that sucks!  I’ve seen it in action, and everyone loses.        

If you have a child whose language and speech is right on track, teaching them signs to communicate will not hinder the ability to talk and acquire language.  They will do it when they’re ready.  Just to prove I’m all heart, my first kid did end up in speech therapy (the end-all confession, as I am a speech therapist), but it had nothing to do with signing.  She signed better than any kid I’ve ever seen, but her language was delayed.  (FYI, language and speech are different.  Basically,
language
is the process their brain goes through to organize and put thoughts and words together. 
Speech
– or articulation – is the actual placement of their tongue to make the correct sounds or pronunciation of words.)  My daughter’s language was an issue from the beginning.  As a speech therapist and new Mommy, my blabbing mouth was never far from her ears, filling them with language.  And yet, she was still delayed.  My child needed speech therapy, but I never blamed it on signing.  In fact, signing saved her from immense frustration.  Today she’s totally fine (three cheers for speech therapists!) with no further language issues.

Now.  Reality.  If your child is used to signing and it works for him, that’s what he’ll do until it’s easier to talk than sign.  And listen up…this is okay!!  Don’t freak out.  The goal here is communication – get it done however you can.  If you get worried as he creeps up on 24-30 months, go to your local school district or private speech therapist and have him evaluated.  It will either ease your mind, or get him into needed therapy.  Win – win.  Look, I get just as antsy as the next Mommy, fretting and anxious that my child will be forever mute.  But seriously, it just doesn’t happen that way.  They will learn to talk, and before we know it they’ll be mouthing off, making us want to scream.  So if you’re worried, dive into the process and educate yourself.  If not, sign away and be happy!

Definition of discipline and control.

Why giving in to demands won’t work.

Why toddlers continually ask for more.

How to honor the gift of our children.

How to management your time and increase cooperation.

How to use Task Analysis to increase understanding and cooperation.

Five types of prompts and how to use them: 

1. Verbal
   
2. Modeling
   
3. Gesture
   
4. Physical
   
5. Visual
   

Eight starter signs to increase communication.

Little Maggie flings herself to the ground in the middle of the mall and commences with “Nooooooo!  Don’t want chicken!  Want ice creeeaammm!”

Oh dear, not now.  Why, why does this always happen in public?  Why can’t this child save the ballistic nonsense for someplace that doesn’t have five hundred pairs of eyes scrutinizing the lack of parental control?   Letting out a huge sigh of defeat, you do the only reasonable thing.  You give in.  “Okay, okay!  We’ll get some ice cream!  Just calm down!”  Yes, you know you shouldn’t be doing this, but heck, what are your options?  Grab a seat and casually watch your child tirade for the next ten minutes?

Any realistic parent will tell you there are times when toddlers act so horrible that you’d like find the nearest hole and bury your head.  Even if the antics closely resemble that of a wild boar, sometimes it just isn’t feasible to pack up and go home.  What are you supposed to do then?  For those who suffer frequent mortification, where on earth do you even begin?

Trust, Security, and Control

If you want to increase cooperation and nix the exasperating outbursts, set up an environment of trust, security, and control.  How?  Here’s where to begin: 

1.  Start With Respect
.  Give respect and expect respect.  Respect your toddler’s routine.  If naptime is two o’clock, stop shopping and get them home and in bed by two.  If you don’t chose to be respectful of your child’s needs, don’t expect your little muffin to be gracious and refrain from slinging grape juice all over the $200 nighties while you drag him around Victoria’s Secret.  It’s also not respectful to others to make them listen to your little darling whine and cry while you shop.  When I finally get the rare chance to shop without my kids, I certainly don’t want to listen to someone else’s!

While I understand your plight, I’m really more sympathetic to the tired and hungry little guy who’s being forced to endure his feet being stuffed into five different pairs of shoes with no end in sight.  Give him a break!  He’ll live another day without new shoes!  If it’s that important, work around
his
schedule and chose a time when he’s fed and well rested before you force him to endure such a boring activity.

2.  No Yelling.
  No matter how upset you are or how bad the crime, when you yell, you have lost control.  Then bad things happen: (a) kids stop listening, and (b) you give negative attention.  When you yell at your child, they quickly realize what a power trip it is to get you so worked up.  If you want to maintain control, stay in command of your emotions.  Keep your volume and tone down.     

Granted, there are exceptions to the rule.  Whacking you on the head with a golf club or running into the street yields a knee jerk yell.  And really, it’s just an innate protection mechanism – your brain and their life.  Exceedingly atrocious acts aside, yelling in general for things like getting them to stop hollering in the car (the epitome of irony) or for pouring orange juice into the fireplace, is not the correct way to diminish undesirable behavior.

Now, wrapping up the yelling lecture, let me throw in a bit of reality.  Even the best of us occasionally find ourselves howling at the moon - and our toddlers.  If you can keep your voice down about 90% of the time, give yourself a congratulatory pat on the back.  I haven’t met a Mommy yet who has mastered vocal composure, so don’t dog yourself if you haven’t either.  (And please don’t write to me and gloat if you have.  I have enough to feel guilty about!)

3.  Model Desirable Behaviors.
  Model the behavior you want your toddler to demonstrate.  When making a request of a little person, always put “please” in there, and reward him with a “thank you” when he complies.  Treat your child and others around you (that means Daddy too!) with respect and gratitude, because I guarantee, toddler eyes are watching! 

Make life one big modeling session.  Whatever you do and wherever you go, model what you want to see, and exaggerate it a bit.   For example, if you want Johnny-toddler to be nice to baby brother, model specific behaviors.  When you handle the baby, pick him up gently and say, “We must be very gentle with babies.  See how Mommy holds him gently?  He loves for you to pat his back like this.  Now you try.”  Take Johnny’s hand.  Using a physical prompt, show him how light of a touch you want.  Afterward, praise and make sure he knows how pleased you are.  Give him extra kisses for being so sweet.  He will eventually get the drift that he gets positive attention when he’s kind to baby brother.  In addition, repeating the word “gentle” teaches him what you mean when you use the word.  “Gentle” is a difficult and abstract concept for toddlers to understand unless you consistently demonstrate.

Always model the behavior you want to see and be careful about behavior you don’t want to see!  Toddlers have a very shrewd way of displaying our worst habits.  It’ll happen at some point, so either clean up your act or close your eyes and cross your fingers that your little one won’t find a beer can at the park and proudly present it to Grandma saying, “Daddy’s water!”  (And you just know it’ll be
your
mother, not your mate’s.  Toddlers are way too fun loving to miss an opportunity to embarrass the tar out of us.) 

One of the sparkling jewels your toddler gives is a check on how you’re treating him and others.  So catch it when you find yourself snapping, “hush!” to your baby, or big sister will start doing the same.  Little children do what they observe and give back what they are given.  Start showing them and others the respect you wish to get.  Your little copycat will eventually start meowing just like you, and there’s nothing more heart melting than getting a sweet kiss with, “Tanks!  I lub you, Mama”.

4.  Provide Structure and Routine.
 Schedules need to be consistent.  I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.  Daily and weekly activities should be fairly predictable.  Some kids are more flexible than others, but for the most part, they love routines.  Toddlers feel in control and happy when daily schedules and bedtime routines are consistent.  It works best when you keep the
time
and the
routine
the same. 

Keep naptime and bedtime the same EVERYDAY.  Sleep schedules need to be absolutely predictable.  For example, consistently put Jr. down for a nap at one o’clock.  Sing a song, read one book, and give a naptime kiss.  At bedtime, have another routine – bath at seven, brush teeth, and two stories while cuddling on Daddy’s lap.  Do not – I repeat – DO NOT read four books one night, two the next, and keep changing up the routine.  Remember, toddlers want to know their boundaries.  Two books means two books.  Period. 

If you think he’s getting shafted on reading time, read more books during playtime throughout the day.  When it comes to bedtime, you CANNOT continually deviate and give in to repeated requests.  No matter how sweet and endearing the plea, you say “No.”  Otherwise, don’t start feeling sorry for yourself when you wake up one day and realize you’ve got some hefty sleep issues on your hands.  You make your own bed when you neglect to give your child a firm, loving, and consistent routine to wrap him up in security.  

When it comes to sleep schedules, do not deviate and let toddlers stay up late.  Forget about lax bedtime on weekends or waiting for Daddy to get home from work.  And don’t try to run your children around in order to tire them out.  It only makes them
over
tired, throwing them way off track.  Keep the transition easy by making activities before bedtime or naptime calm, relaxing, and consistent. 
Structure and routine give toddlers security
. 

Guide them to stay on task during sleep routines.  Let them know if they don’t finish bath or brush teeth timely, there won’t be time for the fun stuff, like reading books or having Daddy ‘check their ears’ for treats.  No cooperation, no fun stuff.  NO EXEPTIONS.  And understand going in, they
will
test you.  Expect to send them to bed heartbroken a time or two.  They’ll be much more cooperative from then on.  If not, put your foot down again.  No cooperation means you’re giving in somewhere and they know it.  Start being consistent.  Give them security.  I swear to Pete, the first time they actually give you a kiss goodnight, smile, and go right to sleep, you’ll freak with wonder and love.  It’s a great feeling, girl!   

5.  Repetition of Rules.
  Toddlers don’t have the attention span or memory to keep up with all the tedious laws of etiquette and safety, so you must repeat, and repeat, until you’re absolutely sure your head will explode.  I know it’s difficult to restate yourself so much that you slur, but repetition of rules is very important and you must be consistent.  Be patient and prepare to say the same things twelve gazillion times. 

Try to remember where your kids are coming from.  Don’t take it personally when they can’t remember that forks aren’t for eye poking and Q-tips don’t go in your nose.  I’ve been regurgitating the same phrases for so many years now that my teeth are ground to nubs, but I still keep up with, “We don’t dump Mommy’s CD’s on the floor,” and “We don’t play in Mommy’s cabinets” fifty times a day.  Knowing you must endure a lifetime (okay, so it just
seems
like a lifetime) of repetition may not prepare your sanity for the marathon, but at least you won’t step onto the course blind.  Take it day by day, keeping that calming herbal tea handy.  (And feel free to spike it every once in a while – but you didn’t hear that from me.)                        

6.  The Two Rules of Engagement
.
  Whenever I’m in the grocery store or mall and hear a Mommy snarl out, “If you do that
one more time
…” I just crack up!  What a crock!  Maybe I’m out of the loop of super moms and obedient wonders, but these peepers have yet to witness kids straighten up and stand at attention when Mommy fires off that cannon. 

To avoid lame and useless threats, you must say what you mean and do what you say.  

Say What You Mean

Say what you mean,
consistently
.  When you give your child a consequence, say what you mean and make it something you can live with.  You must have every intention of following through.  I’ve heard “If you don’t stop now, we will leave!” so many times it makes my head spin.  Yet I have never once witnessed Mom or Dad sling the kicking, screaming kid over their shoulder and head out the door after the threat.  Not once, not ever.  Do you think this tells Dennis the Menace that Mommy and Daddy mean business?  Absolutely not!  It’s telling him precisely what’s going on - that Mom and Dad paid a hefty admission fee to the local Water World, or the pizza hasn’t arrived yet at Pee Wee’s Pizza Palace.  They have no intention of doing anything other than spewing out a few choice words.  Big whoop. 

Do What You Say – No Idle Threats

Kids respond to your promises if they know you aren’t kidding.  Tell them the consequence to any continued behavior and give them time to comply.  If they choose not to cooperate, implement your consequence.  DO NOT GIVE IDLE THREATS!!  Do not even think about letting it slide so you can continue organizing your closet.  Idle threats are a Mommy’s worst enemy because it means a child has no limits.  Stop what you’re doing, get up, and go through with your consequence – every time, consistently.  If you promise a Popsicle as a reward for taking a good nap, hold to it.  Don’t be a sissy.  A two-hour session of popping out of bed every six minutes does not equal “good nap”.  Believe me, he’ll pitch a fit, but if you told him he had to actually
sleep
for the reward, hold to your word and refuse that Popsicle.  I promise, he’ll remember it next time.  You may have one helluva afternoon, but don’t wimp out!  You can make it.

The rules of engagement build a foundation of trust.  For example, if “five more minutes” or “one more time” doesn’t seem to work for you, assess whether you’re saying what you mean and doing what you say.  If your child doesn’t trust you, she’ll consistently be aggressive and obstinate when the five minutes are up.  And you can’t blame the kid.  It’s more likely you’ve taught her “five more minutes” just means she has to turn on the voice, water works, and kickboxing moves to get what she wants.  She knows darn well that you singing, “Five more minutes, Boo Boo!” means she’s got a good forty five minutes of play as long as she’s strategic.  Transitions are difficult enough as it is.  Don’t compound the problem by being inconsistent with your follow through.

Demanding behavior means you are
: Inconsistent, giving too much, and not setting limits.

Go through with what you say.  Being a sucker
teaches your child that you’re not trustworthy.  When you cannot be trusted to go through with what you say, then things like “I’ll get it in a minute” and “I’ll be right back” mean nothing.  Be honest when telling your child time frames.  Make sure that “five more minutes on the slide” really means five more minutes on the slide.  If you are leaving your child with a sitter, don’t tell her you’ll only be gone a few minutes.  That’s dishonest and unfair.  It’s confusing when five minutes on the slide doesn’t come anywhere near the five minutes with a sitter.  When toddlers don’t trust your word, tantrums, clingy behavior, separation anxiety, and bedtime battles are imminent.  Honesty, consistency, and limits give toddlers security.

Language is powerful, and the language you use can make or break your success with behavior modification.  The following power phrases let children know what is expected of them, what comes next, and what they’re supposed to be doing.  Use these all the time to promote security and control. 

“It’s time to…” or “It’s not time to…”

This is an excellent compliment to a structured environment.  Having a sense of daily events puts toddlers in control, and they love it.  When they have a basic routine to follow, it creates less resistance when a change of activity is in order (i.e., “It’s time to eat lunch” or “It’s time to leave the park now”).  When naptime rolls around and your toddler runs to play with her favorite puzzle, a sentence like “It’s not time to play with the puzzle; it’s time for your nap” lets her know what’s expected for that particular time of day.  Even if you use this phrase for an unscheduled event like riding the display bikes in the local toy store (“It’s time to stop riding the bike now and come with Mommy”), it’ll help your toddler realize there’s a time for everything, and now is the time to stop.