Life With Toddlers (8 page)

“You may…”

Instead of telling kids what they cannot have or play with, tell them what they CAN have or play with.  Examples:

1.  Little Trevor wants another sandwich for lunch but still has an entire uneaten bowl of soup:

Instead of saying:
No! Finish what you’ve got.

Say:
The sandwich is gone.  You may finish your soup.

2.  He’s driving you crazy with a push toy:

Instead of saying:
Stop that!      

Say:
You may play with the blocks or the coloring books. (Redirection)

Giving toddlers limited choices on what they CAN do eliminates a bossy demand by you and provides a positive choice of action.

As a therapist at an elementary school, I once had to work with a particularly difficult set of twin boys.  Sprinting down the halls, dashing into bathrooms, and insisting on sampling the water at every single fountain, it took their mother about ten minutes just to get them to the speech room.  With the attention span of a fly and no sense of boundaries, rules, or authority, they had absolutely no clue they weren’t the center of the universe.  Kelly, my supervisor (and Mommy friend), was simply wonderful in showing me how to keep them under control. 

Because these boys were especially challenging, the first thing we had to do was establish our authority.  Kelly began the process by giving them only two things they could do for the duration of the thirty-minute session.  We spent the entire time repeating, “You may jump, or you may play in the balls.”  Eyes crossed and woozy from all the repetition, I had to brace a kiddie chair to keep from falling over. 

Lo and behold, it really worked to give these boys structure and consistent redirection when they tried to deviate from the limited choices.  It only took two therapy sessions for us to prove our role as leader and gain their trust.  The end result was increased cooperation.  From that point on, they knew what was expected and they felt in control.  When it was time for a structured activity, they were much more accommodating to my requests.  I still had to continually give them limited choices and constantly redirect, but using “You may…” really helped.  I would tell them, “It’s not time to play with the blocks; you may sit at the desk and glue the shapes onto the paper.”  These boys needed loads of positive guidance and responded well to this technique. 

“We (do)…”  “We do not…”

These phrases let children know how to behave in certain situations.  The little love bugs honestly have no clue, and it’s not fair to utilize the old standby of yelling whenever they make mistakes and act inappropriately.  Instead, they need consistent and specific instruction on how you want them to act.  “We pet the kitty nicely” and “We do not take toys from other children” are a couple of sentences I have burned into my frontal lobe. 

It makes a world of difference to give toddlers specific coaching on how they’re supposed to act.  Pat phrases like, “Don’t do that!” and “Stop that or else!” are vague and useless.  They have no idea what you’re talking about!  Toddlers need to know precisely what it is you do and do not want.

If you’re a mushy parent, this technique can be challenging.  When you say something like, “We do not hit Mommy,” your child could have the attitude, “Oh yeah? Well, I just did it.”  You can avoid this attitude if you
don’t let her do it again
.  Let the first time your daughter hits you be the last before she discovers some consequences.  Hold her arm, look her in the eye, and tell her firmly “We do not hit Mommy” one more time.  Remember the two rules of engagement?  Say what you mean and do what you say.  Draw the line there, and if she tries to hit you again, put your foot down and go through with your consequence.  Bad attitudes only arise when children don’t trust our word.

“Ah, Ah” (No more “No!”)

I’m on a mission to try and eliminate use of the word “No!” (I can dream, can’t I??).  Sure, sometimes it’s appropriate.  But mercy alive, kids constantly copy us.  If we stop modeling it so much, maybe they’ll stop yelling it back so much.  So let’s try and replace it.  Here are two choices to try:

Use a generic vocalization.  Say something like “anh!” or a quick “ah, ah!”  Just a ‘no-no’ type vocalization or sound without actually saying “no”.

When your child reaches the age of about eighteen to twenty four months, and has a better comprehension of language, try using “We do not.” 

When you see behavior you do not like, gently take your child’s hand or arm to get his attention, make him look you in the eye if you can, then use one of the two options.  For older toddlers, you can say things like “We do not hit other children.”  “We do not run away from Mommy.”  “We do not play with our food.”  Keep it simple and direct.  Don’t drone on and on about why we don’t do it.  Just state the facts.  And if they try to keep it up, move on to “If…then” (below). 

In addition to using the phrase, “We do not”, offer an alternative and tie it in with “We (do)” or “You may”.  Say something like, “We do not hit baby sister.  You may give her a toy instead” or “We do not throw our books, we read them.”  Give toddlers something they MAY do instead of filling their ears with everything they may not.  If your child is running into the wall with a push toy, tell her, “We do not run into the wall with toys. You may run it into the couch instead.”

It’s cool to stay away from negatives and focus on the positive/what you WANT to see.  For a 16‐month‐old, a phrase like “Don’t hit Mommy” translates into, “blah, blah, HIT MOMMY” and they’ll turn around and sock you again - because that’s all they heard!  With one‐year‐olds, it works better to use your “anh!” vocalization or say, “No hitting. You may give a kiss instead.” 
Always offer the guidance of a positive redirection.

“If…then…”

Let your child know the consequence of her actions in preparation for what will happen.  When an undesired behavior creeps up, tell her “we do not…” about two times.  If the behavior continues, go to the next step.  Inform her, for example, “If you keep banging your plate, Mommy will take it away.”  Repeat this twice, max.  No cooperation? 
Go through
with what you say.  Nine times out of ten, your child is keeping up with the behavior just to see what you’ll do.  Be prepared for a tantrum even though you’ve given plenty of warnings.  Acting like the world’s coming to an end when you follow through with your consequences is part of a toddler’s duty.  And by the way, don’t give the darn plate back five seconds later.  Take it away, and you are
done
with meal time.  Being more interested in banging than eating means they aren’t that hungry. 

I’m always fascinated to see a child meltdown after being told exactly what will happen if they do not cooperate with a request.  They act like they’re being held down and forced to eat spinach when all you’ve done is tell them something as benign as “If you throw the book, I will take it away.”  I haven’t met a kid yet who doesn’t like to test his limits.  Yet they often seem quite baffled when you actually go through with a promise.  Take, for instance, the child used to running the show and consistently getting his own way.  Oooooh, holy cow.  Confusion registers like a slap in the face when you actually take away the toy being thrown or used to pummel another kid.  They simply aren’t used to adults actually doing what they say.  Most often they initially bring down the roof with anger, but magically become more cooperative as time goes on.  The change is downright startling! 

Go through
with your promise when you use an “If…then” statement.  Children LIKE to know that you keep your word!  It builds faith and confidence.   Toddlers learn to stay calm because they know you
really will
give them their lunch in “just a minute”, or you
really will
play with them as soon as you finish the dishes.  Teach your child to trust you when you make a promise.  They deserve honesty. 

“It’s for looking, not touching…”

Not long after I gave birth to my first child, I took her to work, showing her off to my fellow teachers and therapists.  When one of the special needs kiddos, Andrew, tried to touch her, his teacher gently took his hand and said, “Babies are for looking, not touching”.  It was such a funny statement that I almost laughed – but gadzooks, it worked!  That cutie pie Andrew didn’t get upset or offer one word of protest.  He simply pulled his hand back, looked up at his teacher, and said, “Okay.”  I took a vow right then and there to add that phrase to my repertoire!

When on a walk and your kids are tearing into a neighbor’s flowers, tell them, “Flowers are for looking, not touching…they are very delicate.”  Glass balls on Christmas trees, pictures frames, and breakables all get this classification.  It’s a great little phrase and helps toddlers understand why we can’t touch every tempting thing we see. 

One tragic day our faithful washing machine had a major heart attack.  My husband valiantly performed emergency surgery in an effort to save it.  Sadly, the washing machine passed on to appliance heaven, and as a result of the failed operation, the motor sat on our kitchen table for a day.  We never once told Poppy to stay away from it, but after her initial visual inspection, she promptly said to herself, “It’s looking, not touching.”  She used the phrase all the time and had no problem instructing her little sister Mimi.  Anytime Mimi went for the T.V. controls, cabinet contents, trash, or heaven help us all, picked up one of Poppy’s shoes and threatened to snack on it, she got a desperate and resounding, “No, no, Mimi!  It’s looking, not touching!”  

You can also vary this phrase a little and use it for different situations.  Example:  “Pens are for paper, not your face” or “Sockets are for plugs, not fingers.”  Some other good ones are: “Food is for eating, not playing” and “Soap is for washing, not eating.”  (Good grief, who can keep up with all this eat/don’t eat business?)  Apply it to whatever you want; it works in so many ways. 

Now, there’s a word of warning in using this phrase.  Don’t overdo it and make everything on the planet off limits.  Whenever possible, get down to your child’s level and let your toddler see the untouchables.  They need to get some of the fascination out of their system, so encourage exploration.  When possible, take two minutes out of your day and let your toddler handle an off-limits item.  Have your kiddo turn the object over in their hands and feel the texture.  Let them get a sense of the weight and delicate nature of the item.  When finished, tell them it’s time to put it back, and make sure to praise the success with being gentle.

“I need you to…” “I want you to…”

To eliminate guesswork, use the “I need” phrase to tell your child exactly what you want, or divert attention when Little Bit fitfully can’t communicate what
she
wants.  For example, if your child’s upset because you put in the wrong DVD, get down on her level and tell her, “I need you to stop crying and tell Mommy which video you want to watch.  I cannot understand when you cry.”  Or, if she wakes up howling in the middle of the night, say something like, “I need you to calm down and tell Mommy what’s wrong.”  After she tells you and requests a comfort item (like a cup of water), tell her “I’ll get you some water, but I need you to lie down.”  (Again, this is contingent on the need being real, not an attention-getting routine…in which case your reply will be “It’s not time for water.  It’s time for bed.” 
Right??!!
) 

This instruction phrase sets up our
A
(in TAG) for success.  Here we go again with telling your child exactly what you
want
to see, not what you don’t.  You don’t actually have to say “I want you to,” but it helps to keep your line of thought clear.  Just what is it you want?  Believe me, it’s a different way of thinking and takes practice.  I still catch myself and have to think about it instead of blurting out a negative.  Here are some examples:

• Instead of “stop fussing” say, “I want you to use a quiet voice.”
  
• Instead of “stop hitting” say, “I want you to keep your hands to yourself.”
  
• Instead of “cut it out” say, “Keep your bottom still while sitting at the table.”
  
• Instead of “don’t run” say, “Walk slowly.” 
  

“Let’s”

Using the word “let’s” is a great way to increase desirable behavior and promote cooperation.  For instance, instead of “Don’t play with the plant” you can say, “Let’s not play with the plant.  Let’s play with the car instead.”  This way, you are asking nicely and redirecting.  Children are more apt to cooperate if you ask nicely and offer to help by saying, “Let’s put this away now.”  You can also say things like, “Let’s go change your diaper” or “Let’s put on your shoes.”  Using “let’s” indicates collaboration yet makes it clear you’re the boss.  Words are powerful, and “let’s” is a respectful way of commanding cooperation.  When you are kind and deferential, you teach your child respect.

Here are some examples of ways to use the catch phrases:

• It’s not time to play on the computer; it’s time to eat breakfast.  Thank you for listening.
  
• Let’s not play with the scissors.
  
• Let’s not chase the kitty.
  
• Let’s clean this up.  Please help Mommy.
  
• We do not sit on baby sister.  We sit
  next
  to her. Thank you.
  
• We do not throw blocks.  You may stack them instead.  (OR) Blocks are for stacking, not throwing.
  
• We leave our socks on when it’s cold outside.
  
• We write on paper, not on the table.
  
• We are out of eggs.  You may have hot cereal for breakfast.
  
• We do not need a whole box of crayons.  You may have three.
  
• Christmas trees are for looking, not touching.  Good listening.
  
• If you splash Mommy again, you will get out of the bathtub.
  
• If you eat your chicken, you may have ice cream.
  
• I need you to be quiet; your brother is sleeping.
  
• I need you to read your books while Mommy is on the phone.