Life With Toddlers (11 page)

Which brings us to balance.  Everything in life is about balance.  The balancing act of raising toddlers is flooded with guilt, happiness, confusion, and of course, exhaustion.  There’s a balance to providing explanations to our kids.  If you’re able to give constant explanations, more power to you.  Personally, I think the incessant and relentless nature of their needs puts this method on the difficult side, but it is possible.  Try it.  Just make sure to balance it. 
Don’t
offer explanations once emotions stir on the negative or your child gets out of control.  Your requests are what they are, and kids can simply learn to live with it.     

Oh, Mommy.  How do I put this delicately?  Forget it, I can’t.  DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR RULES!  And don’t tell your toddler to do something, then turn around and ask him if it’s okay.  Example:  A Mommy in the mall earnestly tells her little track stars, “Stop running, okay?!”  I mean, are you
kidding
me?  Do you think her kids are actually going to agree with the ridiculous request?  Running in the mall is fun, and if you ask me to stop then give me the option to agree or not…I’m thinking, “NOT!” 

There is no way you’ll get the respect you deserve if you apologize for your rules and give your kids the option to disagree with what you say.  “I’m sorry, but it’s not time to go to gym class” and “I’m sorry but you can’t have candy for dinner, okay?” are sentences to be stricken from your Mommy-to-toddler vocabulary.  Just get rid of the words “sorry” and “okay”.  I know you’re sympathetic when boo-boo-face doesn’t understand why he can’t have the box of Raid Roach Kill or why he can’t just hop in the car and go to his favorite tumbling class, but it’s not your fault!  There’s no need to apologize or add “okay?” to the end of your sentences.

If you feel strongly about letting your child know you are equally heartbroken, then validate his feelings.  Say something like “I know you’re upset because you can’t have Daddy’s hammer.  You want to play with it and Mommy won’t let you.  This must make you very sad.”  Let him know you’re listening and understand his trauma.  Just don’t plead with him to stop breaking all your windows and apologize when you have to wrench the weapon out of his iron grip.  

Some people say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”, but this phrase makes me think someone is disappointed in their child’s feelings.  Look, people can feel the way they feel, and if you tell them otherwise, it promotes a sense of insecurity.  Besides, (prepare for another humble opinion) the phrase is just lame.  When someone tells you ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’…what the hell is that supposed to mean?  They aren’t sorry.  Sounds more like a passive aggressive way to say, ‘you’re an idiot and you’re wrong.’  We don’t want to do that to our kids.  Validation is certainly fine; “I understand you feel X, Y, and Z.  I hear you.”  Beyond that, there’s no real reason to comment on how
you
feel about how
they
feel.   

The Appropriate “I’m Sorry
”:  We all know Mommy and Daddy are the big people on the campus of life, but that’s no reason to bully your children.  This may be very difficult to hear, Mommy, but we’re not always right.  I recall with shame an incident when my daughter was playing with a bar of soap in the bathtub.  Confiscating the soap when the bath was over, I snatched it out of her hand too quickly, and it fell to the floor, making her upset.  And you know what?  I almost didn’t apologize.  Why, I can’t say.  Pride, ego, stupidity - whatever it was almost kept me from doing what was right, even though I truly felt bad and didn’t mean to grab the soap in such an abrupt manner.  To this day, I’m so glad I got over myself, giving her a hug and telling her I was sorry.

If you make a mistake and your child gets upset, apologize!  Appropriate apologies convey your care and concern about how you treat your family.  Acts of contrition model fairness and accountability.  Apologizing is completely dignified and lets your toddler know that everyone makes mistakes.  Society must play a big part in making people feel like mistakes are not okay because most people seem to run like the blazes from admitting fault.  Don’t give in to this line of thinking.  Apologize to your child when you’re wrong.  When you show him you care, he’ll reciprocate with love and respect.

Now to the other extreme – sappy parenting.  Here’s the scenario: Our kid gets the wrong color Jell-O, so he throws the entire bowl on the floor, shattering the dish.  He promptly gets yelled at and thrown into time-out.  Five minutes of wailing later, what do we parents do?  We go to our child, wracked with guilt, and offer up slobbering apologies, hugs, and another bowl of Jell-O.  Excuse me, but….
aaaaahhhh!
  What are we thinking?!  We can’t DO that if we’re to teach our children respect!  Offering apologies when we’re clearly in the wrong is one thing.  But offering rewards because we feel guilty when our
child
was clearly in the wrong is just plain screwy.  Again, find that balance.  Apologize when you’re wrong, but do not reward undesirable behavior.      

Before we go any further, let’s get something out in the open.  SHARING IS NOT NATURAL.  Okay?  I’ve said it.  Sharing is not natural for mature people, much less our egocentric young.  Really, how many of you don’t mind lending your corvette to your sister every other day?  What about merrily shacking up your husband’s best friend until he finds a job?  Any of you pregnant Mommies mind sharing your food?  Maybe you’re a better person, but when I’m pregnant, anyone so much as glancing at my hamburger is in for hell.  Honestly, we don’t share because we
want
to.  We share because we should.  From a very young age, we’ve been taught to share with others.  We don’t want to, but we do. 

Toddlers are uncivilized versions of adults.  They have not yet learned how to grit their teeth and smile while handing over a prized possession.  When playing with an object or toy, some toddlers are very agreeable to handing it over or giving it up when asked.  If not, they can learn this skill. 

But we really aren’t talking about sharing in the true sense of “this is mine and you can have some.”  What we’re really talking about
here is
not stealing
.
  Toddlers have no idea, nor do they give a horse’s patoot, that it’s uncouth to screech “Mine!” and forcefully seize any desired object from any person.  Operating on raw emotion, toddlers are expected to act vehemently possessive because they have total freedom from guilt or conscience. 

At some point, we have to teach the undomesticated little darlings some manners.  I completely concede that sharing is not natural for the clueless little sweeties.  But part of the life of a toddler is learning to temper your emotions and play nice with the other kiddies.  Those are the rules, and there’s no getting around these life lessons.

The best time to start teaching our toddlers how to interact with other civilized human beings is NOW.  The longer we wait, the longer our children go along in life thinking they rule the roost.  I nearly put a choke hold on a four-year-old recently who decided he was thirsty and literally tried to snatch my daughter’s drink right out of her hand –
as
she was drinking. 
What…what??
  Where the heck were the manners?  And for that matter, where the hell was the parent?  This was a birthday party, for heaven’s sake.  Letting your offensive kid run wild at a party and expecting other Mommies to sweep up the mess is really dropping the ball, girl!  Grrr!

Don’t wait until your toddler’s old enough to understand the concept of sharing (not stealing) before you introduce the need.  You’d be waiting for the cows to come home, and besides, it bursts too big a bubble.  Speaking from a purely logistical standpoint, it would also be a monster of a battle.  If our little dumplings have been able to grab and yell their way through the first three or four years of life, it’d be a stand up fight convincing them the need to change.  The longer you wait to introduce the life rule of sharing, the harder it’ll be on everyone, especially your child.

The “Mine!” complex is the antithesis of sharing.  This complex is the extreme version of “I want it, I want it now, I’m going to take it, and you’re going to deal with it.”  The rather unkind characteristics include excessive yelling of “Mine!” or “No!” and/or forcefully grabbing objects from innocuous hands. 

The reason behind this aggressive complex starts out innocently enough.  When first learning language, there’s a process of figuring out what works.  Children don’t understand the inappropriate nature of grabbing desired objects, grunting, crying, and yelling, but they sure understand the quick results. 

Toddlers can learn by example to moderate their abrupt approach and still get the same results.  As a good modeling Mommy, we teach them to say something much more socially acceptable like, “I want to play with that” instead of, “MINE!”  So when a toddler first starts to demonstrate the “Mine!” complex, jump on it.  Model the correct response.  If the ploy for possession hasn’t become a habit, and your harmless cutie is still just getting the hang of language, there’s no need to make a big deal about it.  You can calmly tell your child, “When we want a toy, we say ‘I want to play with that.’”  And okay, maybe that’s a bit wordy for a one-year-old – but even teaching a simple, “please” gets the point across.      

As your child gets older, stronger, more mobile, and less inhibited, frankly, it’s just too darn easy to snatch whatever they want whenever they want it.  The quickest way to get the job done is to grab and go.  Most toddlers will have an innate desire to possess every object in visual range.  We just have to guide our children and demonstrate the sharing rules. 

If your little one has carried the possessiveness too far and other kids start scrambling every time they see your child, then wake up.  A few time-outs are needed.  Whenever your child takes a toy from someone, TAG it quick.  Why did she do it?  When it’s truly only because she wanted the toy, gently tell her that we do not take toys from other children and make her return the object.  Be kind but firm, and if she throws a fit, put her in time-out.  Giving no attention to the tantrum decreases the likelihood of recurrence.

You never really outgrow the need to have your own possessions or want what others have.  I know a woman who for twelve long years has refused to share her most cherished cookie recipe with anyone, let alone me.  Knowing her daughter for over twenty years allows no advantage – for the love of sugar, I was in SECOND GRADE with this girl!  Her mom’s frosted delights really are the best things I’ve ever tasted, but this woman acts as though someone will be stricken dead (or worse, profit from the sale) if she shares the recipe.  I’m perpetually dumbfounded over the possessiveness.  It’s not as if the woman is willing to patent the secret ingredients and sell it; if she did, I’d be first in line to buy.  She just refuses to share.  It’s absolutely crazy, selfish, and downright silly – which I’m not afraid to say since there’s no hope of ever getting that recipe!  Given this, my point is reiterated.  First of all, it’s her recipe.  Second, I want it. 

Isn’t “Mine” Fine?  They’ll Outgrow it, Right?
  Occasionally, a child will develop the “Mine!” complex in the extreme form.  When overwhelmed with the behavior, a Mommy might desperately cling to any advice that assures her child will outgrow the aggressiveness.   This is sadly misleading.  Yes, toddlers are perfectly predictable in their nature to yell and take toys from other children.  All of our kids do it.  And they’ll still occasionally grab and shriek at each other despite our desperate attempts to guide them on decreasing the ferocious fights over toys.  BUT, this does not mean that extreme possessiveness and consistent aggressive behavior is acceptable. 

Constant badgering is disrespectful to other children and their Mommies.  If your child grabs a toy from another little kid, be gentle, but let her know it’s not tolerable.  TAG it to figure out what’s reinforcing the behavior.  Hate to say it, girly, but it’s probably you.  So stop!  When you don’t insist your toddler refrain from snatching, it’s blatantly rude to the injured party and his (or her) Mommy.  And good gravy, my friend, this creates an outright social minefield. 

Being Objective:
  When looking at possessive behavior, be objective.  It’s perfectly okay for a child to want to hide his favorite baseball and bat from the twenty scavengers you’ve invited over for his third birthday party.  But if the little guy’s screaming “MINE!” and “NO!” while taking 90% of the toys away from 100% of the guests, then something is off. 

Yes, spats will happen.  Kids will grab and yell, even
with
needs being met - and if siblings are around, sheesh.  Headache-ville.  Just keep an eye on the frequency.  Aggressive possessiveness should not be to such an extreme that other Mommies and kids are constantly ticked.   

Be honest and objective.  How often is your little precious yanking toys and demanding the enemy retreat?  Is it a habit?  Stop making excuses and address it, girl! Breaking up brawls is a must-do is when your child is the instigator (hard to imagine, but it does happen).

Mommy Has to Play Nice, Too:
  We need to play nice with other Mommies and children because it models respect.  Feeling it’s my professional duty, I must request your assistance as a fellow Mommy of future world leaders and peacemakers.  No matter how you feel about it, if you happen to see your perfect pumpkin initiate an aggression (yell, push, bite, or unjustly take a toy from someone else’s child), then I beg you to step in – as a matter of simple consideration for other adults and children.

I can’t tell you how many times I witness an atrocious act or have an irked friend report one to me – and the Mommy of the offender does nothing.  That goes against our Mommy Code of Ethics, ladies!  If you see it happen or it’s clear your kid was in the wrong, troubling as it is, you own it.  Nothing gets you kicked out of the Girlfriend Club quicker than ignoring or being oblivious.