Life With Toddlers (10 page)

One night my daughter was desperately bawling to Daddy, “Hebeju, hebeju!” but he just couldn’t understand what she wanted.  The minutes ticked on, the wailing got worse, but the sentence (do you call that a sentence?) was the same…“Hebeju, hebeju!”  Exhausted after an incredibly busy day, he could have just stuck her in bed and let her deal with it.  Instead, my husband spent ten minutes going through our entire kitchen pantry trying to figure out what she was trying to communicate.

Maintaining his calm demeanor, he finally told her to point out what she wanted.  She went straight to the juicer and said it again, “Hebeju.”  I heard Daddy say, “
Ooooh!
  You want to help make juice?”  Her cries turned to relief mixed with laughter as she repeated the phrase.  She’d been helping Daddy make fresh juice every night with our electric juicer, and she was ready for the ritual again.  Had he not exercised great patience, she would have been put to bed heartbroken over something so easy to fix.  All she wanted was to keep up with the routine Daddy had established. 

When your toddler shreds the deed to your house or makes a marker mural out of baby brother, and you’re two seconds from morphing into a pit bull, dig deep down into your reserves of patience.   Mommies are usually the last stop when toddlers look for approval, love, and help.  When you miss the chance to be tender and kind with your child, you know as well as I, the regrets and remorse stink!      

Don’t Pull a Sister Phyllis:
  For my generation, growing up in Catholic schools insured having a nun for a teacher at least one year of your academic career.  The fate of fifth grade had me placed in the class of a nun who was, I swear to habaneros, mean as a snake.  In all fairness, I must say she was the only nasty nun I ever ran into, but why on God’s green Earth she was placed working with children, I will never fathom.  Sister Phyllis was a woman whose pot was always boiling and ready to blow.  If you were unfortunate enough to be a scatterbrain like me, you’d catch her wrath lightening quick.  Once making the inexcusable mistake of handing in the math homework from page 75 instead of 76, and being all of eleven years old, I was sure I’d never see the light of another day.  She’d close her eyes, clench her teeth, and slowly count to ten.  When she finally opened those dark, raging slits of fury, boom!  You’d see it.  Your life flashing before you.  Goner!  Say your prayers, Rabbit! 

By sheer force of nature, children push us to our outer most limits of patience.  If you find yourself about to pull a Sister Phyllis, put your child someplace safe, and
walk
away
.  Take a five-minute break, get a glass of iced tea, do some deep breathing, or go bruise your toes on the couch.  Do whatever’s necessary to keep your calm and not take out inferno-anger on your kids. 

Everybody is allowed a bad day every now and then, but in the midst of your day from hell, try to remember your child’s age.  They’re just learning what makes the world go round.  It isn’t their intention to drive us batty.  They just want to know what’ll happen if they shake chocolate milk onto your four thousand dollar Karastan rug or how long they’ll need to howl before you give them an Oreo.  It’s not personal - just the business of being a toddler.   

Six ways to set up an environment of trust, security, and control:

1. Start with Respect
   
2. No Yelling
   
3. Model Desirable Behaviors
   
4. Provide Structure and Routine
   
5. Repetition of Rules
   
6. The Two Rules of Engagement
   

Eight
Power Phrases
to increase cooperation.

Five Phrases to help with Transitions.

When to drop the Baby Talk.

The importance of praise (don’t over-do it!).

Teaching toddlers patience, and being the patient Mommy.

I’d love to tell you to duck and run when the going gets rough.  In fact, you know what?  I will.  Run like the wind!  Go, go, go!  Right behind ya, baby!

Okay, seriously.  The harsh reality is that the going will get rough almost everyday, and if it doesn’t, count your blessings.  Can we even begin to recall how many times we feel like whimpering and crawling back under the covers of our toasty bed?  Or how many times we’ve called our husbands or friends, venting in hysteria, only to glance at the clock and see that lunch was still a dreadfully long two hours away? 

Being a fantastic Mommy definitely has its mental dilemmas.  For example, how on earth do we know what strategies to implement and when?  Let’s say sixteen-month-old Ralphie is whining because he’s not allowed to eat the dishwashing crystals.  We’ve got three choices: listen to his complaint, distract him from misery, or put our foot down and insist he learns to stay away from the countless toxins we use to clean our home.  The hard part is figuring out
when
to listen, distract, or put our foot down.  We Mommies tend to second-guess ourselves right into therapy.  

Listening: 
One of the most valuable lessons in child rearing is to listen to kids when they’re upset.  Many Mommies try to distract their toddlers when the tantrums start, but this only crams the child’s emotion back in like stuffing a genie into a bottle.  I see these same kids throw fits and act out more than any others.  Distraction definitely has a place in the life of a toddler, but consistently using it to ward off tantrums sounds more like a bribe to me. 

When your child gets upset for any reason other than hunger or fatigue,
let her go through the emotions!
  Let her cry sometimes and get the frustrations out instead of immediately trying to distract her.  Get down to her level, offer a hug, then look her in the eye and listen to the gobbledygook of toddler talk.  Say something understanding; “Really?  You must feel awful.”  If you know exactly what your child’s upset about, you can also validate her feelings by saying something like, “I know you’re very upset because Mommy turned off your video.  I’m sure that makes you feel sad.”  When you validate the trampled feelings of your little one, it puts a label on the emotion and lets your child know that you hear and understand the reason for the tears. 

Distracting:  Redirection is good for things like repeatedly touching a no-no, intense screaming due to frustration (i.e., they can’t get a toy into a container and refuse to give up), or yelling in the car.  For example, when screeching in the confines of an automobile, softly sing a song and try to get them engaged.  Or crank up some classical music and open up the windows.  (And yes, we’re all human, so when this doesn’t work, pull over, turn around, and glare the fear of God into them.)  However, when it comes to tantrums, for the most part I do not recommend distraction unless the wailing is a direct result of hunger or fatigue.  If toddlers are fed, rested, and truly upset about one of life’s many disenchantments, they need to learn how to deal with disappointment, sadness, frustration, and anger. 

Many children lack this skill and it’s evident in the amount of crying they do.  Mommies of these kids tend to whip out the coolest things from their purse, or pull the first thing they find off a store shelf and wave it around hypnotically.  Rather amazing, really, the talent these Mommies have for coming up with new and interesting things to divert the attention of the little time bomb.  (Remember Evelyn from the baseball movie, “A League of Their Own”?  Whip out the chocolate!  Shut that kid up!)  But habitually using distraction to ward off tantrums will eventually come back to bite you.  You’re just trying to avoid the emotional outburst, but toddlers are too smart.  They’ll quickly figure out your ruse and refuse to be fooled.

Distraction is appropriate after you’ve given sympathy to the damaged ego and let your precious know that you hear and understand the cries of injustice.  If your child cannot seem to regain composure after one to three minutes of wailing, and you’re frantic to hold on to what’s left of your sanity, feel no guilt in breaking out the juice and other culinary Band-Aids.  Be my guest and distract away.  Fish crackers or cookies work wonders when kids get into a scuffle, can’t get their socks on, or fall and scrape their knees.  Suggesting a treat is nothing less than miraculous whenever feelings are battered, tempers flare, and hearts break.

This is also a great tool if you desperately need your toddler to cooperate.  No one will die if you let your little one play with your phone when you’re late for a doctor’s appointment and she’s refusing to put her shoes on.  Whatever gets the task accomplished quickly is sometimes the best avenue.  I know it’s hard and the inevitable kink will occur, but plan ahead as much as possible, giving yourself enough time to get ready; you’ll cut down on the lack of cooperation.  Remember, the little psychics forever sense haste and choose that time to decide, “I do it byself!” 

Distracting
 with Television:
 Tons of toddler experts and parents abhor the idea of using the boob tube as a babysitter.  They are right.  However - I must take a moment to extol the virtues of limited television.  Now hold on, Mommy!  Don’t faint with horror just yet!  This outlandish opinion isn’t quite as disgraceful as it sounds upfront.

Having raised two toddlers and fully engaged with #3, I refrain from freaking out over the issue of
selective
T.V., because I happen to be a rather realistic gal.  I’m well aware that sticking a toddler in front of the television turns them into a slack-jawed zombie.  I’m also well aware that I sometimes get so overloaded with toddler turmoil that I need the peace and quiet more than I need to feel guilty for letting my kids watch thirty minutes of a charming educational video.   

The early evening crank monster has a tendency to possess young children without any consideration for whether or not you’re having a bad day.  Cramps, a missed shower or strep throat are of no consequence to end-of-day toddlers.  My own little gerbils would consistently scurry around the house and try to attack each other if I didn’t keep them fed, separated, and occupied. 

There are times when I’m feverish and miserable, or so fed up that “no” (or several variations on that theme), are the only utterances out of my crabby mouth.  When my poor children get nothing but exasperated attention from me, I’m fairly certain the positive alternative is to separate the little pixies from my grumpy attitude.  If television is the only thing (or okay, the easiest thing) that’ll dissolve the angry glue holding us together, so be it.   

Sure, I could set them up with some paint or blocks, and cheerfully tell them to play nicely so I can double over on the couch for ten minutes, frantically wash my face and douse myself with powder, or go and gargle with hot salt water.  But the reason I forego using activities as a distraction when the entire family is circling the drain is because the activity materials end up being used as props in a theatrical production starring my unruly children.  Unfailingly, the paint winds up splattered all over my kitchen, and the blocks are labeled “Exhibit A” from a crime scene in which the perpetrator dumps the entire container of wooden squares on the victims head.

Any Mommy currently taming wild critters will tell you there are times when you simply need a break.  I’m forever convinced that thirty minutes of selective T.V., here and there, will not bestow children with permanent brain damage or drop their I.Q.’s enough to warrant repeating preschool.  There are plenty of fabulous toddler videos pairing classical music with creative imagery of seasons, numbers, letters, animals, shapes, and a myriad of other fascinating toddler topics.  Little people go nuts over them.  Plus, I have yet to find anything wrong with Barney (other than being extremely irritating), Dora, and Blues Clues. 

Obviously, these shows don’t replace the value and importance of actually playing and being active, but it’s a darn nice option of distraction when Mommy’s about to reach cerebral meltdown.  If anyone gets on your tail about letting your kids watch a little supervised and selective T.V., tell them to stuff it.  Otherwise, they’re more than welcome to come and take over.  I'm thinking, "Have at it, you unsympathetic nag!"

When to Plant Your Foot:
  After you’ve listened to your child’s trauma and demonstrated understanding, do not give in to any protests.  Sure, it stinks when Mommy insists the pet snake not be swung around like a lasso, but that’s life, kiddo.  After you’ve been sympathetic to the emotional distress,
put your foot down
.  Once your little zookeeper gets out of control and starts throwing a colossal fit, it won’t help to listen, distract, or offer comfort.  Leave him alone and let him recompose.  

Planting your foot is also needed when your child so much as
begins
to be demanding.  Even if little Troy isn’t in full battle gear yet, you can be sure that demanding behavior means he’s gearing up for tantrum combat.  Lending your ear when he’s insistent and overbearing will serve no purpose but to make him think you can be manipulated.  Listening and being sympathetic will not make Troy any less demanding.  What
will
make him less demanding is to give a calm, but resolute, “no” to his bossy mandate. You can certainly “mirror” or repeat his concern to let him know that you did indeed hear what he said – “I understand you want to go outside now, but it’s not time to go outside.  It’s time to eat.”  After that, lay down the law and stand your ground. 

If little Troy decides to commence with Armageddon, let him go through the emotions.  Walk away or pick him up and deposit him in another room away from you, and go back to what you were doing.  Give him some time to calm down while you try to figure out the problem.  Is he hungry and tired?  If so, meet those needs.  First, do your best to get him to eat.  Don’t go hog wild and set out five different entrees, but offer what you’ve prepared and tell him he’ll feel better if he eats.  If he refuses and continues to tantrum, put the little guy to bed.  Don’t follow him around in an attempt to shove two more bites down his throat or try every trick in the book so he’ll consume one more ounce of sandwich.  If you sit him at the table and he chooses not to eat, respect his decision.  He won’t starve, and his need for sleep may be greater than food.

When the going gets rough, toys are often a good place to implement some positive change.  Some toddlers need the playroom scaled down.  The more demanding the child, the more limits are needed.  If your child has a plethora of toys, yet still seems whiny, irritable, difficult, and cannot seem to entertain herself well, start by boxing up half (or more) of her toys.  This gives your child a much-needed break from the task of having to choose from so many items to play with. 

When deciding which toys to put away and which to leave out, opt for boxing up the high-tech toys and leaving the old fashioned and classic items in the toy bin.  There are certain playthings kids consistently entertain themselves with day after day.  Simple items like puzzles, blocks, dolls, crayons, stuffed animals, baskets, cars, books, balls, shape sorters, and of course, the animal sounds farm are usually highly prized items.  The anxiety of putting away the expensive and oh-so-cute (but over-stimulating) toys may have you thinking twice, but relax.  The anxiety is yours, not your kid’s.  Take a chill pill and give the kid a break from the overload.  You can get the dadgum toys back out later.  Plus, if push came to shove and you were to get rid of 80% of the lot, I bet your kid wouldn’t miss a beat.   

When it comes to explaining why we don’t do X, Y, or Z, here’s a rule you can live by and feel good about:

Once emotions start to stir, you do not owe your child an explanation. 

Period.  End of story.  If the child is out of control, there is no need to explain anything.  She’s beyond reckoning.  Explanations are absolutely appropriate – and sometimes extremely helpful – but only when you’re both calm and in control.  When peacefully playing together and your toddler gets a bit rough with the dog, you can say, “We do not hit doggie.  It hurts.”  Or, you can provide instruction and alternatives: “We do not hit the dog.  We pet gently.”  Explanations are acceptable during relaxed interactions.  But once emotions begin to stir from either of you, turn off the explanation button.   

My friend Amy uses an approach to raising her child that we call “the explanation method”, which she came up with on her own.  Her method consists of explaining - well,
everything
.  (Makes me dizzy.  Seriously.)  You give reasons ‘why’ anytime they come up.  “We don’t pull on cabinet doors honey; they could break off.”  “You need to get dressed quickly or we’ll be late for school, and then you’ll miss morning calendar.”  “Please eat over the table or you’ll get crumbs all over the floor.”  There’s no simple “put the book away.”  It’s always “put the book away
because
…” 

Amy’s theory is that when a child understands “why” they’ll be more likely to cooperate.  I believe it’s true – especially with certain personalities.  As long as a child isn’t out of control, explaining does seem to increase cooperation, especially as the child matures.  For some reason (who knows what) they seem to appreciate knowing why they can’t do such-in-such or why you’re making such a fuss over getting out the door quickly.  For Amy, this method is a way of life, not something you implement only when you feel like it or remember.  Taken as a whole, it raises the child with respect as a family member while teaching respect for others and appropriate actions. 

And now…the catch.  (You just knew I’d say that, didn’t you?)  This method works, to be sure; I’ve tried it myself.  With good consistency, limits, and structure already in place, this method ties it all together.  However, as with all things in life, there’s a true hickey to this works-so-well-method.  The hitch is this: time.  This method is so darn time consuming that you need some serious discipline and motivation to keep it up.  Amy’s an über-mom, giving her daughter 100% of her time at
all
times.  And guess what that means?  Amy is exhausted.  All the time.  She moans and groans about needing a break ten times more than me and she only has
one
kid; but a darn happy one.  Lily’s a true peach – cooperative, smart, and caring.  Is it innate, or because Amy spends so much time letting Lily’s character develop in the best way possible?  Who knows?  But it’s a great example of what could be if you put forth the effort.