Life With Toddlers (16 page)

One of my friends will deny her daughter’s request to join the adults at night, but offers morning cuddle time in Mommy’s bed.  Does her daughter ever take Mommy up on the offer?  Of course not.  Mommy knows the requests are just a ploy to stay up, so she offers a reasonable solution to her daughter’s “distress” over the need to snuggle – thereby nixing the issue.  Her consequence (C) is a true and loving deterrent/punishment because she does not give in to the undesirable behavior.   

Now, if you really want to stop the wandering and keep your kiddo safe, there’s always the gate-option.  The downside is, if your child is potty training (or already a professional pottier), putting up a barrier means you must respond to yodels and lug yourself out of sleep to come and open the gate whenever Nature calls.  But heck, who are we kidding?  You’d be up anyway responding to the calls to help wipe her bottom. 

Freaking out: Separation Anxiety

Freaking out when left alone can be a toddler’s certified memorandum that (a) you’re a sucker or (b) separation anxiety is a wee bit out of hand.  If separation anxiety is truly the case (as opposed to your leg being yanked out of socket), you need to slowly work with your little guy and get him to love his own bed and trust that you won’t leave forever when you walk out the door. 

1. Give him time to play on his own during the day to foster independence.  Teach him that he won’t die if you leave the room.
   
2. Balance attention and independent play.  Don’t spend your existence living to please and entertain the darling.  But don’t ignore him either, insisting he entertain himself all day.  Find a balance.
   
3. Be honest about limits and time frames.  Keep your word and do what you say.  Building trust in you is of utmost importance!
   
4. Independence Activity:
   

• Sit with your child as you normally do, then start to back off a bit.
  
• Leave the room for 15-30 seconds to ‘do something’ then come back and resume play with him.
  
• Do this a few times a day, increasing the time.  And leave him be if he’s playing nicely on his own!
  
• If he looks up and realizes you aren’t there, pop your head in and say, “I’m right here.”  Go on as normal, even if he’s crying hysterically.  Console and give comfort, but don’t act like you’ve left him out on a busy intersection.  This allows needs to be met, but teaches a new reality; it’s okay to be by yourself for two minutes.
  

When the Bed Freaks Him Out:
  If the bed itself is the source of angst (he acts like it’s a hotplate) then he needs to actually play in the bed during the day. 

1. Get him comfortable with the bed.  Work up from a few minutes at a time.  He needs to know that being put in bed is not a death sentence.
   
2. Play with him at first, then gradually get him to play on his own while sitting in bed.
   
3. Once he’s comfortable on his own, let him be for several minutes.  Then casually ask if he’s ready to come with you to (i.e.) help make lunch.  Gradually work up to the point where he spends longer periods of time playing on the bed, with or without you.  Make the bed a happy place.  The play should be fun.
   
4. Try not to wait until he freaks out before you let him down.  When you wait until he realizes he should be wailing, then the bed is again associated with negativity.  Not the end of the world, but try to avoid it.  Take him out while he still thinks life is just peachy.
   
5. Caution:  If your child has never actually slept in his own bed, DO NOT use this adjustment time to start putting him there to sleep at night.  Wait until he’s comfortable in it,
   then
   give sleeping a try.
   

It doesn’t matter which method you choose, or what kind of problem you have; you need a bedtime routine and plan.  Work out a routine because toddlers absolutely thrive on bedtime rituals.  Once in place, STICK WITH IT, and make your child secure with the consistency. 

Anticipate all wants (water, books, etc.) and have them ready.  When bedtime comes, give your toddler a time frame as to how long you’ll stay and read books, sing, or talk quietly.  Set a timer if you need or tell her “Last song/book” to prepare her for the transition.  When time is up, give her a big hug and kiss, and put her in bed. 

Do NOT climb in bed or cuddle with her until she falls asleep.  DO make sure your child has a favorite stuffed toy or other comforting object.  Leave on a nightlight or closet light because the imagination of a toddler is a thing to behold.  When you leave your toddler alone in her room, project your secure knowledge that she is safe and you love her.  If you know or suspect your toddler is secure enough, yet she still throws a fit, use the same strategies as you would if it were during the day.  TAG it and do not give in.  Most likely the fit is to get attention, and if you give her none, she will eventually realize the tactic doesn’t work anymore.

Overtired, Overstimulated:
  In assessing fits of fury when you leave the room, take into consideration if your child is over-tired or over-stimulated.  If so, and he happens to
still safely use a crib
, put him to bed and leave him alone.  Make the room dark (save that night light) and quiet, and let your toddler de-stress and wind down.  He doesn’t need you coming in and messing up the cycle, so let him be.  If he’s just starting to calm down and you open the door to check on him, it could startle the poor darling out of a perfectly wonderful state of drifting off and start the whole cycle over again. 

When cribs aren’t an option, proceed the same, but treat it as a time-out.  There’s a delicate balance to achieve when - praise the Lord and glory be - we realize our child is actually calming down and going to sleep on his own.  Leave well enough alone!  He’s not tying sheets together, planning to open the window and repel down two stories to freedom.  There’s a degree of common sense to utilize (yes, I hear you whimpering, “He could be sick!  He could be hurt!”) but we must balance it with letting our children learn to fall asleep on their own.  Let’s not distract them into psychosis.

Stick it Out:
  The magic solution in getting your child to love his own space is to
start
as
early
as possible
and
be consistent! 
Throwing in the towel after two months of progress with bedtime issues is a complete waste of 60 days.  There will always be an early meeting or doctor’s appointment in which you don’t feel like arriving half dead.  You need your sleep, I get that.  But you are not solving any problems by giving up.

As soon as you teach your child to get to sleep on his own and stay asleep all night, it’s inevitable you’ll be thrown for a loop.  If I weren’t here to tell you in advance, you’d quickly find out for yourself that things continually change.  No sooner do you have a nap schedule of noon everyday than your cooperative little angel refuses to nap at all for a week.  No sooner do you triumph over the monstrous task of getting your toddler to eat vegetables than he reverts back to refusing anything but peanut butter and jellybeans. 

This is an ongoing process, so don’t be surprised when babydoll has been sleeping well for weeks at a time, yet you’re shocked out of a perfectly sound slumber with shrieks of terror at two a.m.  What on earth?!  You’ve worked your tail off for months getting your child to sleep through the night, so what the heck is this?  She’s got to be dying!  Fight or flight response - you grab the first weapon you find on your night table (a box of Kleenex or chapstick) and sprint down the hall like there’s a boogey man you need to kill.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jolted awake, heart pounding, and rushed into Poppy’s room whereupon she immediately ceased the murderous squawks and merrily signed, “Juice!” 

Good, bad, or indifferent, here’s where that sign language comes in!  The first time this happened, I was thrilled she could actually communicate what she wanted.   On the other hand, I wanted to screech, “No way!  There’s GOT to be a monster in here!”  But no, all she wanted was some juice.  Quickly deducing my neglected darling was sure to shrivel up from lack of fluid, we marched off to the kitchen to quench that poor, parched, baby throat.

The self-satisfied feeling of coming to the swift aid of your suffering child will carry you for a while.  Only after being jerked out of R.E.M sleep for five nights in a row do you realize that maybe, just maybe, your midnight owl is playing you like a fiddle.  Aside from the occasional ear infection or teething episode, sudden crying in the middle of the night (your baby, not you) is generally not cause for hitting the panic button. 

While there’s no need for your heart to leap right out of your chest, it’s definitely cause for checking things out.  Nightmares are quite common among toddlers, in which case, hugs and kisses are needed.  Or, your bewildered love bug could’ve just thrown up and scared herself half to death.  It’s a good idea to eliminate illness, fever, or physical discomfort.  There’s nothing worse than letting your child cry for forty-five minutes only to discover a diaper full of diarrhea.  My own mother has been in a permanent state of remorse for leaving my sister to sob with a noxious diaper.  Forty years later, Mom still feels guilty.

Illness and nightmares aside, toddlers may change things up a bit just to keep you confused and doting, so don’t start a habit.  And don’t let guilt rear its ugly head!  If your gut tells you Margie the Merrymaker is getting up because she thinks there’s a scheduled party in her crib, then don’t feel guilty.  Who the hell feels like making margaritas and shaking your bootie to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in the middle of the night?  Not me!  Expecting a two a.m. apple juice cocktail is not cool.  Gently inform your party animal that you’re not a bartender, and she needs to go back to sleep. 

Once you’ve rescued all loveys, checked for fever or poopy diaper, and established your angel isn’t desiccated from thirst, your Mommy duty is complete.  Be my guest in getting a blanket and sitting outside the nursery door to weep with heartache, but remember, she’ll have to learn how to put herself back to sleep at some point.

No saintly problem solver, my kids are just as normal as any others.  Indulging in eight hours of uninterrupted sleep is a rare pleasure.  I swear there are months on end when my insomniacs wake up five times a night with one upset or another.  Through it all, I’m certain of one thing; the entire process of getting to sleep and staying asleep will be thrown into chaotic turmoil if I get them too far off their daily schedule.  Kids love predictable schedules, and too much deviation stresses happily structured kiddos, throwing their sleep patterns into bedlam.

My friend Carey says her toddler will be pretty forgiving for one day of being off schedule, but two days straight, and you’ll pay dearly.  With shopping and running around on weekends, Mondays are not always smooth sailing for little Tessa.  It’s not uncommon for Tessa’s sitter to scold Carey at Monday evening pick-up with an exasperated, “What did you
DO
to this child over the weekend?!” 

When nap or bedtime rolls around, stop your shopping, socializing, and scurrying about, and
go home
. 
You must provide consistency and respect if you want your child to cooperate with you
.  It’s bad enough these guys are stuck with you lugging them around or forcing them to entertain themselves in a stroller for hours at a time.  How boring is that? 

Unreasonable expectations loom behind the idea that toddlers should behave like angels when the need for quiet, uninterrupted sleep is snubbed.  When your children are sleeping, don’t run the vacuum, practice singing, go outside and mow the lawn (as if!), or test out the new stereo system.  You might even turn on a fan or air filter in their room for some white noise.  Life is not pleasant when children are yanked out of a perfectly good sleep by a circular saw, obnoxious motorcycle, or someone banging in a new roof.  Some of us rather obsessed Mommies have been known to march down the street, shaking fists and shouting obscenities at anyone daring to wake up our babies.

None of my children have cheerfully endured the rite of passage to sippy cups, and I still count myself lucky in surviving the ordeal at all.  Seeing the occasional three-year-old with a bottle or binky hanging from their mouth, I immediately sympathize with the Mommy.  How can we, as the source of greatest comfort to our children, take away the most treasured item in the house? 

Some would recommend letting toddlers keep the darned things for as long as they like.  The need to have a nipple cemented to their tongue will eventually swagger and die, right?  If you don’t mind bottle duty and have no problem with your child keeping it, then by all means, let everyone else’s well intentioned comments roll right off you. 

However, if you’re getting sweaty and anxious thinking about your nipple laden child taking the bottle out of his mouth only long enough to blow out four candles on his birthday cake, just prepare yourself for this mandatory battle.  Believe me, the task may seem intimidating now, but once the ordeal is over, it’ll be forgotten just as quickly as the location of your keys.  Just go slow with the process, especially if your toddler is terribly fond of the bottle.

In order to hack the use of bottles during the day:

1.  Get rid of all liquid in the bottle except milk.  And don’t heat it.  If you or your child feels strongly about cold liquids, heat the milk to room temperature only, then slowly heat it up less and less to get them used to the temperature of cold milk. 

2.  Switch all non-milk liquids to regular cups or sippy cups.  If need be, introduce one new drink in a sippy cup (or cup) per week.  Give your child time to get used to all non-milk drinks in a cup of some sort. 

3.  When catastrophic cup-protests have ceased, start giving milk in a cup during the day.  Start off presenting the milk during a meal, as toddlers will be more likely to accept it and less likely to simply toss the thing behind the couch and give you a dirty look for attempting to pull a fast one.