Operation Soulmate (25 page)

Geraldine had no idea how she was going to get through the rest of her life without Ben. However, she’d done it a few times before so she could, no doubt, probably find the inner resources somewhere. By now he was probably all cozied up with Lena, enjoying more bagels in some New York deli or worse still, some New York hotel. Or even worse than that, in some New York Wedding Planner’s office, once again, planning a wedding that
should
have included her, but didn’t. She wanted to scream as she sat wondering how many more lifetimes she and Ben were going to play out this ridiculous scenario. One thing was for certain, the next time she came across him, in any future lifetime, she’d know exactly what to do with him. There’d be no more of this messing about. They’d meet in kindergarten and be inseparable until the day they died...together.....married, whether he liked it or not. The only saving grace in all of this had been, at least, the fact that Ben had obviously never even
entertained
any of those finer feelings for her in
this
lifetime. Apart from that fateful night, of course, when he’d been almost convincing as someone who was deeply in love, rather than just a curious friend... Not hard when you genuinely liked someone. And it was certainly easy enough to get overemotional and overexcited when you’d had that much champagne...

     But... Ben hadn’t really
had
any champagne, had he... and he certainly hadn’t been hung-over the following morning when he’d been just as depressed as she was, and had dutifully started banging on about love and people being in love or whatever...just to make her feel better. It was all just words somehow. Words, words, words, floating around somewhere in her memory of that horrible morning. But why did some of them suddenly
feel
like real words of love...real love. And why did Ben’s face, as she remembered it that day, suddenly look as if he’d really meant them?

     Her mind was playing tricks on her again. History had now taken it upon itself to begin rewriting itself in
every
lifetime, even this one.
Had
Ben said he loved her? And if he had, then where had all this information been hiding all this time!!! No! Of course he hadn’t, nothing like it! As her mind wandered back over the events of that magical night, she could feel the tears welling up again, dangerously, but she was now, even getting tired of feeling bad, so she kept the tears from resurfacing and simply
refused
to cry anymore.

     Purely on impulse, she called Brogan instead. There was too much happening in such a short space of time, what with the whole of the time-space continuum unravelling around her, and she needed to talk it through with someone she trusted to be fairly grounded about the whole thing, without thinking she was completely insane!

      By the time she arrived at Brogan’s flat, she was feeling a bit calmer. She hadn’t even told her how she’d been feeling. All she'd said was that she didn't feel like being alone. Brogan let her in and sat her down on the sofa, watching her closely from the kitchen as she waited for the kettle to boil. “Aww, hon, you must be feeling really crap now that Ben’s gone, huh?” She said, with her usual directness, then watched with horror, as Geraldine's resolve slowly crumbled, and a fresh flood of tears began to escape treacherously down her cheeks, carrying a layer of clever concealer and mascara with them as they went. Brogan quickly abandoned the kettle and sat down beside her, rubbing her hand sympathetically and reaching for a pile of tissues. She couldn’t help thinking that for someone in such deep denial about her feelings, Geraldine, certainly seemed to be taking this business with Ben
really
badly. “Aww, hon, its okay, I’m sure he’ll be back for visits, darlin’. I’m sure they both will. Then you’ll get to meet this temptress who’s had the audacity to take him away from us.” Geraldine erupted in another avalanche of copious tears, just at the thought of meeting Lena. Brogan sat back in a chair and shook her head slowly. “Oh God! Geraldine! Don’t tell me you’ve finally gone and realised you’re in love with the guy!!! Finally!! Ah, Gerry, what I'm I gonna do with you! He was right all along wasn’t he?”

     “What do you ....
mean
?” said Geraldine, dabbing at her nose with tissues, sniffing incessantly and staring at Brogan through the soreness in her overworked eyes.

     “This ‘thrill of the unattainable’ thing: You only want him, now, because you can’t have him anymore.”

     “That is not
true,
Brogan. How can you
say
that! I’ve loved him all along; I was just too stupid to see it.” Brogan shook her head...

     “Gerry, I’m sorry Hon, but I don’t think you’re being completely honest with yourself."     “What do you
mean
?”

      “Even
I
could see that there was something between you guys, and
I’m
not always the brightest button in the box when it comes to men.” Brogan could have kicked herself as soon as she had spoken, but somehow the words had just rolled off her tongue before she could stop them. Anyway, she reasoned, how long could Ben reasonably expect her to keep his little secret to herself!? Geraldine was her best friend for goodness sake!

       Geraldine sat bolt upright. “What do you mean
between
us? Ben doesn’t feel the same, does he? Oh ...God!! Brogan!!! Does he?!”

      Brogan looked panic-stricken. She’d somehow, against every natural impulse and inclination, kept Ben's maddening little confession to herself for several weeks! And now, just as it had ceased to be relevant to him, but had suddenly become no less that potentially devastating for Geraldine,
this
was the time she'd chosen to recklessly slide it on out into the universe in a sudden act of Freudian passive aggression. Just at the point when Ben had finally found someone else to love, and had miraculously managed to extricate himself from the whole, dysfunctional, love-buddy drama with Gerry,
this
was the time she’d suddenly decided to fall in love with him and start demanding information!! Brogan was lost for words. She just couldn't win! Even as she tried to wriggle away, she could feel Geraldine trying to tune in to her psychically, while watching her closely for any signs of deception...

     “Well
does
he!?”

    “Errrrrrm. Errrrrr....Hmmmm.... Let's check on that kettle.. ” Brogan got up quickly, hoping that her speed would catch geraldine off guard, but Geraldine grabbed her arm with the reflexes of a lioness.

       “I’m gonna get some tea, darlin’; D’you want some?” She said, carefully struggling free and edging away, towards the kitchen. But Geraldine stopped her again with a long, hard glare, a glare which Brogan recognised instantly as the desperate look of a woman on the edge.

     “Oh God, Gerry, I
told
you this,
months
ago...” she said, incredulously.

     “You
said
you
thought
he
fancied
me. You say that about every guy we know!!” Brogan stood there, silently staring at the floor. She honestly didn’t know what to say, next. Her thoughts drifting back to the speed-dating night, when she’d been paired up with Ben for a speed-discussion on
the meaning of friendship.
Ben had kicked off the discussion, and his thoughts and reflections on the subject had been seemingly endless
..."You enjoy the same activities, you share the same or similar interests, they’re always there for you, their smile lights up a room and makes you feel warm and peaceful inside, and when you’re with them you feel better and stronger than you ever were without them. Not because you need them in order to be strong, but because just the fact that you know them at all, and the thought of getting to spend more time with them, makes you feel strong enough to live through anything. And even when they're being ridiculous and impossible, and you both know they're being ridiculous and impossible, they can always put a smile on your face.... You would do absolutely anything for them, just to see them smile again, or to hear them laugh out loud because of something witty or silly you said or did... something that only you two would get. The  best times you ever have, are the times you spend with them, because you can totally be yourself with them, and when you're with them, it always feels like coming home."
Those were just a few of the points she could remember him sharing, as he’d stared, wistfully into the distance before suddenly stopping, sighing and turned back to look at her questioningly. “What about you Brogan, what’s your idea of true friendship?”

     Brogan remembered how shocked she’d been at the time, by his description of friendship and how she’d mused to herself that he must have a lot of
very
special friends. However, after a cursory glance around the room, it had suddenly occurred to her that the whole time he’d been speaking he’d been looking over at the place where Geraldine was currently seated next to tall, sinewy man with glasses.

      “Ben,” she’d said, feeling so deeply sad for him, “Those don’t all sound like friendship qualities to me, hon... That sounds like what someone in love might say....
about
the person they’re in love with..?...” He hadn’t even bothered to deny it. He’d just looked confused... Then just as he’d been about to speak again, the bell rang and he’d literally begged her not to say anything to Geraldine, to keep it to herself. He’d made sure she’d promised before she could eventually manage to get him to leave and make way for her next speed-discuss-ee.

       In the weeks following his inadvertent confession, she’d wrestled with her conscience. It seemed so wrong at first to be keeping secrets from Gerry. But she’d told herself that, in the long-term, it was probably for the best. But it wasn’t as if she hadn’t
tried
to tell her. She’d done enough hinting for any
sane
person to join the dots. But Geraldine, much as she loved her, was the mistress of all self-delusion. Even now, it was unfathomable just how dense she was
still
being...

      “Brogan, if you know something that you think I should know, you
have
to tell me.” She said unblinkingly. Brogan slumped back into the chair opposite her, assailed by a brief moment of resignation, before determination and common sense took over, once again.

      “What’s the point, hon; he’s gone now. What good would it do you to know what I think? It’s only my opinion anyway.”

       “Please Brog, I need to know. I can handle it, honestly.”

      “Okay but you
have
to promise me it’s gonna help you to feel better and not worse. I’m gonna tell you what I think, and then it
stops right there.
All of it! K? You’re gonna sit quietly and chill the heck out about all this nonsense with Ben. I’ll tell you, right up front, what I think, then we’re gonna have some tea, have a nice chat. It's over, done! You go home, give yourself a mini facial, watch some chick flicks, book a mani-pedi, talk to your guides, whatever.. Meditate, masturbate, medicate or menstruate. I don't care!! Do whatever you gotta do to get him out of your system and move on! You come in to work tomorrow
completely
over him, and Ben’s gonna keep right on, riding off into the sunset....k?”      

      “Okay, okay, I promise.” At this point, Geraldine would have agreed to almost anything to gain any kind of new insight. She took a big, shaky deep breath and Brogan prepared for the worst. “Ben was
hopelessly
in love with you darlin’” She said, squeezing her  hand in a way that was meant to be reassuring but that actually hurt a little bit. Geraldine gasped loudly. “But you just couldn’t see it, hon. Oh, he was good at hidin’ it, no doubt about it, but he couldn’t hide it from me. He told me at the speed dating event. Made me swear to keep it to myself.”

      “Oh
nooooooo
,” Geraldine whined. Maybe she wasn’t ready for the truth after all. “So why didn’t he
say
anything?”

       Brogan rolled her eyes. “Would you, if you were him!?” she asked, with all the patience she could muster. You treated him like shit, hon; let’s be honest. It’s not your fault, you didn’t know but ...come
on
, how do you think he must have felt, watching you with all those guys, and then you teasing him about his love-life all the time and treating him like a lost puppy. And then when something
did
happen between you, you acted like it was
nothing!!
How do you think he felt when you sat there worrying about what Toby would think, when
he
probably realised he’d found the love of his life?”

      “But, but.... if you knew all this time, why didn’t
you
say something.” Brogan sighed.

      “I tried, hon, honestly I did. But in the end I just kind of backed off when I could see you just weren’t getting it. And probably because I knew that, however much pain Ben was in, it would have hurt you both much more to lose your beautiful friendship... Tell the truth, darlin'. Be honest with yourself at least. If you’d
known
Ben was in love with you all this time, if I’d just come right out and told ya, what difference d’ya think it would’ve made?” Geraldine put her face in her hands and shook her head slowly. Brogan found herself reaching automatically for the box of tissues with one hand and reaching out to hug Geraldine with the other.