Operation Soulmate (26 page)

      “But I’ve lost him now, anyway,
completely
...I’ve lost
everything
.... The friendship, the love, the, the, the...the love...”

      “Hey, come
on,
darlin’...There’s still plenty more great guys out there. Look at it this way, at least you know what you’re looking for now...”

      Geraldine suddenly felt as if she wanted to cry forever. Brogan really just didn’t seem to get it...the whole love thing. Guys weren’t just interchangeable like that. They were real
people
and it was
actually
possible to have real and deep feelings for one of them - for one
particular
guy - which
couldn’t
just be conveniently transferred over to some other,
new
guy just like him, like getting a new library card! Geraldine had never, in her entire life, been so confused. She held onto her head and tried desperately to put all the pieces of the puzzle together in her mind. It still didn’t make sense. It was all wrong. It
had
to be wrong.

      “NO!” She was almost angry now. Why was Brogan doing this to her? “You’re wrong, Brogan. You
must
be. If he was so in love with me,
why
has he gone off with this Lena character then? And Ben was so
good
at communicating...he would have said something...there would have been clues....”

      Brogan shook her head. This was all, still, so exhausting. “Oh God, I don’t know, Hon, I only know what I saw and heard with my own eyes and ears...”

     “And why on
earth
was he coaching me into finding my twin flame? Huh? Answer me
that
...will you.....”

      “Because he wanted you to be happy hon. Because he wanted you to be happy....”

Geraldine was suddenly, once again, like a woman in a trance. Words from her own twin flame check list came floating into her mind: “
You may, each, have a feeling that you would do almost anything to see the other person happy, even if it meant losing them to someone else...”

Over the last few bewildering weeks, she’d somehow imagined that
she
had been the one who had so generously let
him
go, in search of his happiness with Lena, but that one small act of cowardice, now paled into insignificance when compared with what he had done for her over the past few months. It was horrible. She found herself suddenly haunted by a clear picture of Ben’s twinkly smile and endless scenes from their magical, magnetic and fated bond. She began speaking as she collected her things and moved slowly towards the front door.

       “Brogan, I really appreciate your trying to make me feel better, but I have to go now, because you haven’t....and ...I don’t ....and none of this makes any sense, and I’m going home now. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll be fine...please don’t worry.”

      “Oh
God
, Gerry,
please
don’t just go like this. At least let me come with you, to the bus stop.”

      “No, sorry Brogan, I’m sort of overwhelmed, sort of overloaded with information. I keep thinking, if I collect enough of it, it will all start to make sense of things...but it doesn’t.... it just gets more... ridiculous!” Geraldine straightened up, and prepared to brave the outside world. “I’m fine,” she said, and as she moved slowly towards the front door, Sandra’s words came echoing back through the ethers.
He will run away from you rather than face the possibility of more heartbreak.
And suddenly, the horrible truth was upon her. Ben
had
loved her. At some point in the not so distant past, in
this
lifetime, she’d had her chance to be with her greatest love ever, across all time and space ...and she’d blown it...again... spectacularly. Lovely Ben with his beautiful ways, his deep insight into her very soul, and that unique sexy, spiritual, sweetness ...all of it belonged to someone else now...Gorgeous Ben who she’d failed to see as he truly was, until it was too late. Ben, her true twin flame - handed to her on a plate by fate and tossed aside like a dry sandwich at a party - had once loved her as much as she loved him, but had now chosen to be with someone else.

      As she stood at the bus stop, Geraldine felt harassed and irritated with herself. She was alone again, just as she had obviously, always, unconsciously, planned to be. But this time, perhaps for the first time ever, she didn’t want to be alone! It finally felt truly wrong. All of the lifetimes she'd spent denying herself love, and all the soul-stirring, life-affirming work she’d done on that squeaky, leather therapy couch, it suddenly all meant nothing, because she was, once again, just too late. Now, of all times, when she was so ready, perhaps for the first time in all eternity, to fully embrace that love, it had, once again been wrenched away before she could even to come to her senses and say
I love you
, in the
right
way... and mean it.

    She was glad to be outside again. She felt slightly better as the cool, Autumnal evening air lapped at her cheeks and dried the endless tears. She could always call Brogan when she got home to let her know she was alright. She pulled her coat around her and let its warmth shield her from the wind. As she stood at the bus stop, wondering whether she should perhaps try to eat something again one day, she suddenly felt a presence and a strange sensation of cool breath on the back of her neck, as if there was someone standing a little too close, just behind her. She instinctively stepped away, and turned around to see an old woman with white hair and a slight stoop, who seemed to be glowing with a peculiar kind of radiance, against the contrast of the dark, indigo night.

    “You can still get him, you know...” She said.

     “Huh?” Geraldine jumped and suddenly felt very paranoid. Who
was
this woman and why did she know so much about her personal life? Why did she know
anything
about her personal life, in fact, when she, herself, didn’t even know anything about it? Geraldine was certain she
must
have misheard her. “Excuse me?” She said, turning around to face her fully. Just at that moment, the bus approached at a treacherous speed, and Geraldine turned around quickly, reaching out her hand to stop it. The doors opened and she turned around once again, to let the old woman on first (probably a fellow psychic on an impromptu spirit-inspired, mercy mission) and to hopefully continue their bizarre exchange. But when she turned around, she was gone. Geraldine shook her head violently. It was official now; she had completely lost the plot.

Someone shouted from inside the bus. “You gettin’ on the bus, luv, or what?”

She hopped, swiftly into its stuffy warmth, and quickly found herself a seat, still glancing nervously through the window, as the bus began to move away from the stop. There seemed to be a lot of people out tonight. It was strange to see them all wrapped up for the Autumn, when just a short while ago she’d been dreaming about attending school Summer fetes with Toby.

      Geraldine was pulled out of her reverie by the unusual sight of a man a few seats in front of her who seemed to be dressed in Elizabethan costume. She couldn’t help thinking it seemed a bit early for pantomime season. She smiled as she forgot her troubles for a while and allowed herself to enjoy the eccentricity and the wonderful peculiarity that was, 21
st
Century London. When she hopped off the bus at her stop, she couldn’t help noticing
again
, how odd it was that so many people had been crammed onto the bus at such a quiet time on a weekday evening, but it was exactly the same on her walk home from the bus stop. The streets were thronging with people.

      Geraldine began to feel very strange. As she walked past the bus stop at the corner of her street, she noticed a little girl of about seven years old, sitting on the bench beside it, waiting for a bus. It seemed so late for her to be out alone, and so odd that she was wearing a summer dress and ankle socks, “Excuse me,” She said, “Are you okay?” The little looked girl up at her completely startled, as if no one had ever addressed her directly before. She looked all around and behind her, checking that there was no one else Geraldine could possibly be speaking to. Then, when she was sure it
was
her who had been addressed, she disappeared without a trace, before Geraldine’s incredulous eyes...Geraldine rushed in through her front door, turning frequently to look behind her as she went. What the heck was going on
now
?!

       She woke up the next morning with a heavy heart. She had hoped it might be possible to  meet up with Ben’s higher self in a dream again, but it hadn’t happened, or if it had, she hadn't remembered. She curled up into a ball and tried not to think about how he might now be curled up in a spooning situation with Lena, a woman he'd seemingly known for a matter of weeks! Some
other
woman who couldn’t possibly appreciate him or
begin
to understand all of the complex and magical layers and treats that comprised her Divinely ordained Mr. Wright. She quickly shook off her self-pity. She wanted Ben to be happy, whatever that meant. Brogan was right; she had to let him go now.

     As she stirred from her slumber and reluctantly returned to full awareness, she suddenly began to remember some of the more mysterious events of the previous night. And somehow, in her semi-conscious state, she knew intuitively that P’tah’s willingness to release centuries of regret over the loss of her avatar status, had been the catalyst for reawakening Geraldine’s long lost gift of physical clairvoyance. Until that point, she had mainly been a clairsentient, clairaudient and only
mentally
clairvoyant medium. In other words, apart from the occasional orb-sighting, she would usually receive her messages from the spirit world in the form of feelings, sounds, pictures and impressions in her mind's eye, or in and around her body and her energy field. Now, though, she was actually seeing the spirits of those who had passed on,
outside
her mind, looking as real and as solid as anyone else who happened to be standing nearby. She was relieved to discover that it didn’t frighten her as much as she’d previously imagined it might, and, in fact, she was pretty excited to see how this new development would affect her work.

     She leapt out of bed and rushed to the kitchen, where, once again, she was suddenly caught off-guard by the absence of Ben and his freshly brewed coffee. His presence was everywhere, completely engulfing the flat. And every experience, every insight, every moment of contact they had ever shared between those walls was imprinted upon everything she saw, felt, heard, smelled or didn’t smell, touched or couldn’t touch, knew and didn't know - Biblically or otherwise - because, in truth, he was still there, imprinted upon her heart. But it was more than that. She could almost swear sometimes that she could still
feel
him around her...energetically...it was strange.

      As usual, she hurried through that first section of the day as quickly as possible, showering and dressing at lightening speed and leaving the Ben-free shell of a flat fifteen minutes earlier than usual. For days now, she’d been watching her phone like a hawk, waiting for any signs of at least an electronic reconnection with Ben. She’d thought about emailing him several times but just didn’t know where to start with explaining how she felt. It wouldn’t be right to just send some frivolous, catch-up message, knowing the depth of her feelings. It felt dishonest and unsatisfactory. And what if he decided to simply ignore her messages in the same way he’d so studiously disregarded
her
since his departure? Surely that would hurt far more than this current, tacit rejection. At least this way, she could imagine that he was simply up to his eyes in work and relocation stuff, and simply hadn't had a spare second to let her know he was okay. None of it mattered. Whatever else was missing from her life, at least she could still count on his enduring friendship. But if he blatantly ignored a message from her which was brazenly laden with love and self-disclosure or worse-still, replied with a few glib lines, possibly something signed off ‘
With love from Ben and Lena
,’ she knew it would be a crushing blow from which she might never recover. Better to stay calm, breathe, meditate, be still and wait until further notice. She’d already taken a big chance by calling his old New York mobile number, knowing that when they spoke, her voice would almost certainly betray her feelings. Fortunately, she’d been greeted by a recording, announcing that it had not been possible to connect her call at this time, but she should be sure to have a nice day.    

      All the way to work she saw spirit people. They were everywhere: hanging out on street corners, chatting merrily in groups; in strange clothing; speaking in a muddle of different languages and dialects; observing life; observing people; observing each other and, all the time, assuming that they went about their peculiar business, completely undetected. Geraldine smiled to herself and pretended not to notice them, but she was suddenly struck by a rogue impulse to creep up behind one of them and say “Booo!” She wasn’t sure how long she could cope with all this new, other-worldly insight, but she was certainly going to have fun with it today.

       Her first reading was with a woman whose father followed her into the room. He seemed surprised when Geraldine looked straight at him. He’d obviously been expecting good, old-fashioned telepathy. “Tell her, Dad says hi!” He said. Okay, well it was something.

      “You father says hi” Said Geraldine, obediently. The woman burst into tears. She was only young, and there was no way anyone would assume she’d already lost a parent. She was impressed already and deeply moved by the speed of communication and by Geraldine’s clear and direct approach. No questions asked; no need. Geraldine, handed the woman a box of tissues, smiled sympathetically, and continued to listen to her father.

    The woman sat staring open-mouthed, as Geraldine casually reeled off fact after fact, accompanied by an endless stream useful advice. The woman thanked her profusely and left smiling from ear to ear, as a stunned Geraldine took advantage of a free slot and went in search of coffee.

     Faith, their celebrated leader was still giving a reading, so she left quietly and bought her a skinny latte, on the advice of her deceased mother, who was also hanging around in the vicinity. A few minutes later, Geraldine returned to find an insanely lengthy queue of spirit people, standing politely outside her cubicle. She almost screamed at the extremity of it. “Oh my God,” she said as she jostled herself and her coffees right through half of them. It felt
very
weird. Faith had just finished her last reading and was standing outside her cubicle, watching the spectacle with growing amusement.

     “Whose are all these ghosts?” She said, smiling at a flustered-looking Geraldine.

     “Oh,” said Geraldine, “I think they might be mine...?”

     “Well what are they all doin’ here?” Faith was pretty much as used to seeing people from the spirit world as she was to seeing her own friends and family. But she’d learnt, over the years that they could be just as cheeky as any living person when it came to taking advantage of a softie like Geraldine.

     “I, I don’t know....I went to this past life therapy session and released an ancient pact and ever since then, I’ve been seeing them everywhere. Last night, one of them sat on the chair at the end of my bed ....
all night.
Some old woman who followed me home from the bus stop. Ugh...I thought it was fun at first, but now I don’t know what to do with them all! There’s just too many of them...” Geraldine sighed. It was at times like this that she was really glad no one else could hear some of the bizarre conversations that were just perfectly normal at
Magic and Miracles.

     Faith threw her head back and laughed. Geraldine was hilarious. She was one of her best readers but her life was bordering on insane! She seemed to completely bypass normality on the scale of ‘things that could possibly happen in a human lifetime’ and always, somehow, ended up getting herself into what could only be described as...situations. 

     Faith cast her mind back to the time
she’d
first noticed the spirit-people, as a child, and how they’d almost threatened to take over her life at first, once they’d realised that she could actually see them. She threw her head back again and laughed so loudly, some of their uninvited guests began to look a bit nervous. Geraldine joined in with the laughter. It was the first time she’d felt like laughing in ages. Faith always lifted her spirits with her no-nonsense approach to their work. “Just tell ‘em all to go away... Tell ‘em you’re busy!”

     Geraldine looked horrified. Surely it wouldn’t be very respectful to speak to the dead that way! Wasn’t that just as bad as speaking ill
of
them??!! Faith huffed good-naturedly at the very suggestion that they were dead. “Do they
look
dead to you?” she said, eyeing a particularly roguish-looking pick-pocket she’d recognised from her long history in the store. 

     “Some of these are more alive than you and me!” Geraldine looked around at the motley crew. She was due to begin another reading soon. At least some of these characters had to have come for
that
, surely. How on earth was she going to filter them out so that only the right ones came in for the reading? “Alright,” said Faith, loudly, sensing Geraldine’s discomfort and lack of experience with physical phenomena. “Who’s here for the next reading? A man, a woman and a small boy put their hands up. “Right, so everyone else, scram!!! Go on!! If anyone else has got a living person coming today, for a reading, they can come back
when they get here
and not before. You’re frightening the mediums! If you frighten the mediums, they can’t work, can they?”  Geraldine watched in amazement as a hundred or so lost souls turned away and disappeared through various doors and walls.

     “Now, I don’t want to see anymore uninvited, dead people hanging around here or hanging around Geraldine unless it’s absolutely necessary. Is everyone clear on that? Some of the spirit people who’d been a bit more hesitant about leaving, nodded respectfully before reluctantly turning to follow the others. 

     “We’ll pass the message on,” said an old man carrying a small dog. He smiled sheepishly.

    “Wow,” said Geraldine “Thanks Faith. That was amazing.”

    “That’s alright Sweet-pea, that’s what we’re here for, to help each other out, now get yourself sorted and let me see you handle those stragglers in your cubicle. You’ve got a reading in five. Come on, chop, chop!”

      Geraldine was alarmed to find that there were still a couple of spirit people hiding out in her booth, and following Faith’s lead, she folded her arms and looked at them sternly, watching with a slight feeling of remorse, as they drifted through the wall in front of her. “Phew,” she thought, “Physical mediumship is no picnic.” Faith smiled broadly before returning to her own cubicle.

      “Well done,” she said, smiling cheekily.

     Later on, Geraldine thought about the amazing clarity and fluency her newly enhanced connection with the spirit world had brought to her work. It had literally added a whole other dimension of possibility. As she thought about all the people she could now help and all the extra hope and comfort she could now offer them, she suddenly felt very grateful for her regressions, even though she didn't have Ben! She thought of all the lives she could change and the suffering she could end, by simply sharing clear evidence of the truly eternal nature of existence. She felt so blessed to have Faith as a guiding force in her life. Thanks to her, she could at least be assured of peace at work, a
partial
return to normality and, perhaps, a more restful night’s sleep than she’d had the previous night. She went to bed still missing Ben unbearably, but feeling deeply satisfied with life in general.