Operation Soulmate (9 page)

      Geraldine was stunned. “Oh God Ben...there’s just no hope for me, is there?” she said, slumping into a chair with her coffee. Ben smiled sympathetically, and handed her a bowl of coconut yoghurt with fruit, organic oats, nuts and a splash of agave nectar.

     “Let’s just go along on Thursday. See how it feels to have lots of choice and just ...keep your options open for a while. He’ll call you when you least expect him to. When you let go of the
idea
and start seeing the person. Okay, what does he do? Remind me..”

      “He’s a head-teacher,” she said quickly, still slightly dazzled by Ben's laser-like insight.

      “Okay, so he’s overworked, overtired, underappreciated and wondering how he’s ever going to fit a relationship into his crazy schedule. The weekend was relaxed and fun by comparison , and the long Summer holiday had him thinking maybe he could do it. Monday morning comes around. First week of the Autumn term and he comes crashing back into the real world, a world that's exploding with inset days, upset days, staff covers to arrange - due to a sudden late Summer flu epidemic - parents' complaints about too much homework last term, or not enough homework last term, challenging kids readjusting to the school vibe after six weeks of X Box and cola, hundreds of kids to organise. Who are they all? Where did they all come from - all these new faces? Staff meetings, governors meetings, the PTA! It just never ends. Monday night he probably gets to bed around midnight, no sleep, no support, no one to kiss goodnight, no time or energy to even
arrange
a date.... It’s just one more thing to think about. His life rolls on and on in a loop. In his mind, tomorrow isn’t even Tuesday, its still Monday, his whole life is just one, long, Monday. He doesn’t want a date, he wants an instant wife, a woman who’s very low maintenance, not too demanding, someone who can just fit in around his week nicely. Someone who’s so busy herself, she won’t even mind that she never sees him; she’ll be
grateful
he’s never around.”

      “I can be that person,” said Geraldine, excitedly. “I
am
that person.”             

      “Friday afternoon is his time to begin to imagine he has a life again. He dreams about doing stuff he’s too tired to do, arranging weekend stuff he’ll bail out on at the last minute, catching up with friends he never sees. Three O’clock, there’s a knock on his office door. The caretaker wants to talk about the graffiti outside the boy’s toilets, the school governors want him to set a date for the next meeting, the special needs co-ordinator thinks she might be having some kind of a breakdown. He collapses back into the loop. It’s
still
Monday
. Sunday is like a pre-Monday. The new week looms large: preparations, evaluations, disgruntled friends and relations, ‘
Where have you been; we never see you, come for lunch, no pressure
. So
Saturday
is
his
day. If you wait till Saturday, I’m ninety-five per cent certain he’ll call. If he calls before, he’s already in love with you.... It’s possible. Guys are funny like that, given the right materials... Anyway, my advice is to put him out of your mind until Saturday. If he calls in the mean time, it’s a
huge,
bonus.”

      “Wow! Okay, thanks Ben; I feel so much better.” Geraldine could feel the anxiety lifting, as she sat back and sipped her coffee...

      “That’s okay... he
will
call. I’m really intrigued by something you just said, though.”    

      “Uh huh!? What’s that?”

    “Well the description I just gave was a penetrating analysis of someone who didn’t really have much time to be with you, I mean to
really
be with you. And when I mentioned that he might be looking for someone who’s
"so busy herself, she’ll be grateful he’s never around," you got really excited.”

     “So...”

     “So, I’m just wondering what's the fascination guys who can never really be there for you...fully..? That’s all...” He said, nonchalantly throwing a spoon into the sink and marching back towards the office, “Just a thought...” he called back over his shoulder.

    Geraldine huffed, and quickly got up to follow him out. Ben was! By
anyone’s
standards!!! A truly
maddening
individual!!!! Yes deeply insightful, but also very,
very
infuriating!!! And tricky! And as much as she appreciated his help, she was getting tired of constantly being picked apart in this way. It was having a strange effect on the dynamics of their relationship, and surely it just wasn’t healthy for her to be continually reminded of how deeply and irredeemably defective she was.

      “Okay,” She countered, marching into the office, behind him, “First of all, I didn’t say that I was
looking
for that in a man, I just meant that,
if
I liked someone who already happened to
be
that way, I’d probably be okay with it, because
I’m
so busy all the time. The last thing I want is someone really demanding and needy, constantly hanging around me, stopping me from working...” Even as she said it, Geraldine could feel her conviction floating away.

       “Oh, you mean like you are now?” he said, not missing a beat. “Seems to me that all this time you spend thinking about, talking about, plotting and scheming and dreaming about that idea of an
ideal
of a relationship, could be just as easily and happily spent
in
a
real
relationship, with someone you love and who can love you back. Or is that just... too... scary?” He said, holding both his hands up in a playfully terrified gesture, and smirking exasperatingly. As she looked at him, she could feel a mysterious sensation of rage creeping into her blood and threatening to find its way out through tears. He really knew how to press her buttons.

      “Yes, Ben,” She said, “Maybe it
is
a bit scary, and maybe that’s why
I’m
having coaching. What are
you
doing about it?!” Before he could say another word, she quickly turned on her heels and marched off towards the bathroom, at full speed, leaving him to offer his button-pressing and lecturing to the empty room.

       “I’m working on it,” he called back, “don’t you worry about that.”

       “I’m not,” She shouted back to him, “I’m too busy having a
life
!!!”

A long silence followed as they both collected themselves in their respective corners, but after brief reappraising the importance of trust in the coaching relationship, Ben was the first to give in.

       “Still on for Thursday?” he asked, resolutely calling down the hall in the general direction of the angry-woman vibes.

      “Yes,” came the somewhat grumpy reply, followed by a cautious, “You?”

     “Yes.” He said, closing the office door firmly behind him.

Ben sat staring at his diary in a complete daze. It was at least ten minutes before he realised he hadn't read or taken in anything that was written on the page in front of him for quite a while. Shaking himself back into the present, he somehow managed to smile and grimace at the same time. Coaching Gerry was proving to be a lot more complicated than he’d first anticipated. It was getting hard for him to keep the professional distance that was required for coaching while, also, looking out for his best friend. She was really starting to get to him for some reason. Why was it really any of her business who he was dating? And, yet, now that she was opening up to
him
on such a grand and unprecedented scale, it seemed only fair that he should also loosen up a bit more. Why was he suddenly being so closed about it anyway? Was he embarrassed? Surely Gerry had seen him in enough compromising situations, and heard about enough of his poor choices to be completely okay with anything he shared with her.

       It was getting to be very hard to figure out exactly what was going on between them. It was very strange. It just wasn’t
like
Gerry to be so pushy for information about his love-life either. But then, that was the problem with sharing a flat with someone and being best friends as well. There was no
in-development
period, when you figured out whether a new relationship was going somewhere before introducing that person to your friends. The whole thing was just
out there
from the very beginning, right under the nose of someone whose opinion you probably valued more than anyone else’s, long before you’d even had a chance to figure out whether it was even going to
be
a relationship. He decided he was going to have to put a bit of distance between the two of them if he really hoped to coach Geraldine successfully, and figure out what he was doing with his own life at the same time.

       Gerry was such a cool woman. He could talk to her about anything, and even though
he
was the one with all the coaching skills and training in psychology, he always learnt so much, just from being around her. She had a deeper wisdom, and almost faultless instincts, except, of course, when it came to men. If he stayed away too long, surely he would miss her company, her humour, her laser-like insight, and their playful banter. He shook his head and smiled as he remembered their last exchange. Perhaps he didn’t really have to stay away physically; he could just keep the coaching talk down to a minimum in their spare time, only coaching when absolutely necessary. And why
shouldn’t
he just carry on being vague about his love life?! Surely, he was entitled to remain resolutely silent on the subject, until there was actually something note-worthy to share, and it didn't look as if that was about to happen any time soon..

Geraldine emerged from the bathroom half an hour later, showered, dressed and ready to face the day. She glanced over at the calendar and tried to picture Toby, laughing, joking, watching her blow out thirty candles, maybe playfully teasing her a little about her age and effortlessly winning over all of her closest friends. Probably best not to have a big party, just a small group of friends in a restaurant ...and probably Toby. She smiled and put a circle around Saturday. She would do as Ben had suggested and put him out of her mind until Saturday. He would definitely call on Saturday.  

     Then, in a burst of sudden curiosity, she turned a few pages to see what Ben had been scribbling earlier. When she, eventually arrived at the date of her impending birthday, she saw that he’d circled it, written
J’s BD
and drawn a smiley face next to it. Geraldine was touched. She hoped he wasn’t planning anything. The last thing she wanted was a big surprise bash and to turn up once again to her own party with no boyfriend! No, that wasn’t going to happen. She had to have a bit more faith in Operation Soulmate. Ben had promised her she’d find someone by then and she already had one very strong contender, even though they’d only just started...
and
there was still speed-dating to come. It was looking good. Things were looking up. Still no clues about Ben’s mystery woman though.

     Despite her new resolve to put him out of her mind until Saturday, Geraldine spent all day Wednesday checking her phone intermittently for a call from Toby. She remembered what Ben had said about his probable workload and tried to focus extra hard on her own, in order to distract herself but she just couldn’t stop thinking about him. His gorgeous smile, his thick, velvety voice, just the whole sense of him, kept coming back to her, vividly. She could hardly remember what he looked like now, but she remembered his smile.

      When she arrived home, Ben was working on her online dating profile. “Tell me what you think,” he said grinning expectantly. Geraldine read through the profile over his shoulder as he stared at the screen of his lap top. She was impressed ....sort of.

       “Wow,” she said, a little facetiously, “I can’t wait to meet me!” Ben was disappointed by the passionately lukewarm response.

       “Okay,” He said patiently, “What
don’t
you like about it? Just tell me and I’ll make a few changes, do a bit of tweaking...”

       “I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound like
me.
Don’t you think it makes me sound a bit...well ...up myself?”

      “I
knew
you were gonna say that!!” He got up from the computer and stood facing her.

       “Gerry...honey...” He said staring into her eyes, “This is who you
are
...don’t you see that?”

       “Well, okay, I know it’s all kind of, a
possible
way of seeing me, an
edition
of me, an
ultimate revision,
but I think I’m a bit more of a...work-in-progress... than any of this really suggests....a rough draft along the way. And yes, okay, I
do,
do all of those things but, well, isn’t it just a bit boastful to, actually,
say
it?”

       “Okay then, let’s get down to some specifics. What bits do you
specifically
not like?”

      “I don’t know; it’s just the whole ....
tone
of it.” Ben sighed. Geraldine just couldn’t see how exciting she was. She just didn’t
get
how fascinating and inspiring her job was, or how incredible her achievements were. “I mean, don’t guys get all... threatened by a woman who over-achieves, anyway?”

     “Yeah, some guys do, I'm sure. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that
those
were the kind of guys you were looking for. I thought you wanted someone with enough confidence, balls and pride in his own achievements to be able to celebrate yours
with
you... someone a bit more evolved...”  As usual, he had a point. Geraldine was confused for a minute. Was he right? Was it really possible to find a man with that kind of strength ...who could love her just as she was? “Gerry, you’re going to have to change your beliefs about this. There are a LOT of men in the world. They can’t all be the same can they? You do
not
have to dumb down or play small to find a man, and you do
not
need to go searching for anyone else with self-esteem issues or major, fear stuff who needs you to save them from themselves...Stop working that shift now! I thought you wanted something different this time.....a little give and take...”

    Geraldine could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes again. Why
did
she always go for guys who drained her, burnt her out, and leaned on her, for her seemingly endless inner resources? She was no better than Ben really, with his endless stream of girlfriends who inevitably morphed into 24hour coaching clients. Maybe there was just something about her that turned men to mush...and not in a good way!

     “Oh Ben, why do I keep
doing
this? What is it that makes me choose these men, men who need me? And
why
do perfectly good men seem to turn into babies around me? Why can’t I find someone
I
can lean on for a change?”

       “Because you don’t want to. You’re too scared to lean on anyone in case they let you down. So you stay strong and unconsciously seek out weak men, men who’ll never
allow
you to lean on them, because they’re just not strong enough. Then you bring out those fine, mothering instincts and organisational skills so that they’ll eventually start to feel as if they can’t live without you. So, as well as never having to surrender and allow yourself to be taken care of, or to experience vulnerability and interdependence - thereby risking being let down - you also get the perfect excuse to dump them in the end when the burden of their neediness and your own resentment become too overwhelming, leaving you to safely conclude, once again, that no one will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. In other words...
not
being strong enough is just another way for a guy to be unavailable to you...emotionally... and therefore, irresistibly unattainable. D’ you get it?”

       “Wow!” Once again, Geraldine was stunned. Operation Soul Mate had layers and layers and layers she’d never dreamed it might have ...and so did Ben. There seemed to be no end to his understanding of her. It was almost eerie. Ben smiled sympathetically and said,

       “Look, Gerry, none of this is a criticism; I hope you don’t ever see it that way. This isn’t about picking you to pieces. Hey, I’m not perfect myself and I
know
that underneath all this fear, you’re just
used
to taking care of everyone else, and you do what you do you because you’re such a beautiful person. But who’s taking care of
you
?” Geraldine took in everything Ben had said and then slowly sat down next to him and hugged him, leaning her head quietly on his shoulder and saying nothing for a while. Ben sat staring at the cursor on his computer screen, mesmerised by the innocuous blinking, and trying to make sense of the confusing array of feelings rushing through him. After a while, he cleared his throat, squeezed her hand gently and got up to leave. “I’ve left a belief-change exercise in your file. It’s okay, you can do it alone. It’s just for you to sort out some of those feelings. Let’s get this up online and I’ll just leave you to it for a couple of days. Let’s go deeper now.” He added, smiling and tapping his fist playfully on her chin as he got up to head for the bathroom. “Chin up, you’re doing great. We’re gonna get there. It’s as good as done.” Half-way down the hall, he paused for a second as a sudden thought struck him. “Oh, and don’t go editing out anything you think might sound “weird” ...about your job or anything like that. Be up-front and proud of who you are and ....what’s that phrase you always use....
stand in your truth.
The right guy will find all the stuff about you that you think is weird...beautiful. Anyway, it’s only going up on dating sites for spiritual people....K?”

      “Okay,” she shouted back, stopping guiltily in the middle of deleting the  sentence about her mediumship. She was still engrossed in the online profile when Ben reappeared, looking and smelling gorgeous. “Wow!!” She said, in a completely unguarded moment, then blinked a couple of times.

     “Is it okay?” he asked looking kind of shy and sweet. Geraldine’s heart melted. She decided not to pry but hoped that whoever was about to be treated to an evening of Ben’s company would have even a glimmer of an idea of how privileged she was. Why couldn’t she fancy him? All the pieces were certainly in place, there was no doubt about that.

    “Hmmm, you look gorgeous!!” she said truthfully but strangely detached. “New jacket?”

   “Yeah, kind of....” Ben was even being evasive about his clothing now. What was
wrong
with him? Best not to ask anymore questions...best to just leave it at that.

   “Okay, well, have fun. Going anywhere nice?” She just couldn’t help herself!!!

   “Just dinner...and dancing....”

    Geraldine raised her eyebrows in awe. “Ouch, dinner
and
dancing, on a Wednesday night!!! What am I doing with my life!?”                    

   “It’s a coaching thing.” He said, quickly gathering up his wallet and phone and making a dash for the door. Well it was sort of true. Ben decided that this was the best way to deal with Gerry and her questions for a while, until he was a bit more certain about where things were going. Tell the truth but not the whole story. He was actually off to a special, singles dinner and dance gala evening, organised by a couple of fellow relationship coaches and he’d been invited as the guest speaker. The fact that he was bringing Susanna with him as his date was, at that moment, irrelevant. It was just a date after all. Okay, a third date but still, who
knew
where it might be leading. He certainly didn’t. She’d already asked him, on a couple of occasions, what he thought she needed to do to take her dress-designing company to the next level, but he’d managed to studiously avoid the issue both times. He wasn’t sure how long he could hold out, though. He could see so clearly where she was going wrong, just from what she’d said, and from overhearing a few of her phone conversations with some of her disenchanted staff. Would it really be so wrong to just ...help her out a
bit
, with a few well-placed hints and suggestions, here and there? So far, he’d managed to keep her off the subject, by concentrating on her as a woman and thinking about how attractive he found her, focussing on getting to know her as a person. But somehow, the conversation always, mysteriously, found its way back to the subject of her work, and he’d find himself wrestling, incessantly with every rescuing instinct in his soul, instead of just enjoying the company of a woman he just liked being with. Ben felt torn...again. He knew only too well, exactly, where a few well-placed hints and suggestions would take him...deep into the heart of the friend-zone, without so much as a backward glance. It was just so hard not to reach out to someone who so obviously needed his help. It was what he did.