Ravensong (40 page)

“
Have you been here all
that time?”

“
One of us has always been
here, Josh. Most often your mother. It’s been impossible to get her
to leave. We love you, boy. We want you to get well.”

Joshua felt his face heat with shame
and hurt. He closed his eyes over the burn of tears. How could they
love him? He’d done the unspeakable, failed them.

“
Adam, I…” He didn’t have
the words to express what he was feeling. “I shouldn’t be
here.”

Adam mistook what he meant. “I know,
son, but we’re going to get you well. It’s going to be all right,
Joshua. We’ll get through this together.”

Joshua kept his eyes closed, but a
tear leaked out under his lashes and rolled across his
temple.

CHAPTER 16

The woman wore a mousey brown suit
with matching brown shoes. Her hair was neatly cropped and curled
around her face. Her eyes behind her glasses looked enormous, a
chocolate brown with heavy lashes framing them.

She thrust her hand out at him and
beamed a smile. “Hi, I’m Dr. Staddler and you must be
Joshua.”

Joshua stared at her hand, but didn’t
take it. The minute his mother had told him about the psychologist
he was on the alert. Being tied to a hospital bed, being committed
against his will – those were bad enough. Having some quack pry
into his life was another issue entirely.

She tilted her head when he didn’t
accept her hand, then swung it wide and motioned to her office.
“Come in, please.”

Joshua rose slowly, watching her, and
waited for her to enter before him. She walked briskly behind her
desk and settled into the seat, clasping her hands in her lap. With
an abrupt motion, she indicated the chair before her desk. It was
black leather with a rounded back. Joshua warily sank into it, his
hands gripping the curving arms.

“
I’m pleased to meet you
finally. I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough for a
session.”

Joshua simply nodded.

She paused as if she’d expected him to
say something, but when he didn’t, she picked up her good natured
prattle. “Why don’t you tell me something about yourself,
Joshua?”

His eyes drifted to the clock on the
edge of the desk. The frantic spinning of the second hand
distracted him. It seemed that strange, mundane things had the
ability to hypnotize him now.

“
Joshua?” she said with
just a touch of annoyance, enough to make sure he knew who was
running the show.

He blinked up at her.
“What?”

“
Tell me something about
you. Who is Joshua Ravensong?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t
know.”

She sank back in her chair. Her
expression changed from happily ditsy to whip-cracking serious. “I
want this to be a good experience, Joshua, but we should establish
some realities at the beginning. Counseling is a mandatory part of
the rehabilitation program. Without it, the rate of relapse is
alarmingly high. Therefore, we can do this easily or you can make
me work at it, but it helps a lot more if you participate
willingly.”

“
Are you saying I can’t
leave this hospital unless I spill my guts to you?”

“
I’m saying that you can’t
leave until you show me that you are ready to face the daily
challenges of being a recovering drug addict.”

“
So, I can’t leave until
you say so?”

She drew a deep breath. “No, you
can’t. You’ve been committed. Your parents have taken over legal
responsibility for your life. That won’t be returned to you until
you prove that you are able to handle it.”

Joshua stared at her, trying hard to
still the sudden pounding of his heart. He felt light headed and
nauseous. He supposed he’d known this, but he hadn’t really thought
of the implications. It made him feel claustrophobic.

“
Does that idea bother
you?” she asked, narrowing her eyes on him.

He forced himself to shrug. He might
have to divulge information that he’d rather keep private, but he
didn’t have to let her see what he felt about it. “I guess it might
bother any prisoner to know they are being held
prisoner.”

“
Do you feel you are ready
to take control of your own life?”

He glanced at the clock again. “I
guess not.”

“
Why do you keep looking at
the clock?” she asked.

“
Trying to see how much
time we have left. Don’t you operate by the hour?”

She smiled, but it wasn’t a pleasant
smile. “I’m not like a typical counselor, Joshua. I deal with
people who are facing life and death crises. We can take as long as
I think is necessary.”

Joshua sank back in the chair with a
grimace of pain. The muscles in his abdomen and back had begun
their familiar spasm. His hands tightened on the chair arms so he
could hide their trembling.

“
Now,” she said, folding
her hands beneath her chin, “tell me about yourself. What do you
like to do? What are your passions in life?”

“
I wasn’t lying to you,” he
said miserably. “I don’t know anymore. I really don’t know who I
am. I’ve forgotten how to live without the drugs.”

Her look grew sympathetic. He hated
that almost as much as he hated her dominant role. “What about the
music? Isn’t that still an important part of who you
are?”

Joshua looked down. He honestly didn’t
know. He hated the fact that the last few recordings had been done
when he was high. He hadn’t heard them again, but he was afraid it
would be obvious, at least to him.

“
I just don’t
know.”

She studied him a moment. He found he
couldn’t meet her eye. “What about your family? They must be
important to you.”

His eyes lifted and met hers. A
shudder went through him. “My family?” He almost choked on the
words.

“
They love you dearly. I’ve
never seen a family so focused on the welfare of one of their own
the way they are.”

Joshua looked away. “You’ve got it
wrong,” he said. “I destroyed any love they felt. All they see is
what I’ve become, what I am. They look at me and they see an
addict, a failure. And all I see is the pain I’ve caused them. It
would have been easier for all of us if I hadn’t survived the car
crash.”

“
I don’t believe that. I’ve
talked with them myself.”

“
You’ve talked with
them?”

“
Of course. That’s part of
the treatment. We have to know how much support the patient has
outside of the hospital.”

Joshua grimaced. “So whatever I tell
you will be reported to them?”

“
Not at all. Everything you
say here will be confidential… well, unless you tell me you intend
yourself or anyone else harm. That I can’t keep secret.”

Joshua stared at the ground. God, he
wanted to be anywhere else at this moment.

“
Joshua, I need to know
something and I need you to be honest with me.”

He slowly lifted his head.
“What?”

“
Did you really want to die
when you drove your car into that tree?”

Joshua narrowed his eyes on her. “My
family believes I lost control of the car.”

“
I understand,” she
responded. Then she leaned forward. “But this is just you and me.
I’ve read the police report, Joshua. There was no sign you
attempted to break, no skid marks, just a straight line through the
lawn right up to the tree.” She paused and fixed him with a stare.
“Did you really want to die?”

“
Yes.”

“
Why?”

“
I already told you. I
didn’t want my family to ever look at me that way again, as if they
were staring at a stranger. I didn’t want to see that pain again.”
He shook his head. “It would have been better for all of us if I
died.”

“
How? The grief would have
been crippling for them.”

Joshua met her gaze. “But it would
have ended. Eventually, they would have gone on with their lives
and they would have forgotten. Now they can’t.” He eased forward in
the chair. “When someone dies, you forget the bad things, you
remember only the good. They would have remembered only the good.
Now they have only the shame.”

Again her expression softened to
sympathy. “I understand. And you still believe this?”

He nodded.

“
That makes my job more
difficult. Obviously, the suicide watch will continue.”

Joshua didn’t respond. He hadn’t
realized he’d been on one, but it made sense. He didn’t much care
either way.

She wrote something on the pad of
paper in the middle of her desk. Joshua couldn’t read it from where
he was, but he didn’t care about that either. She put her pen down
and looked at him intently.

“
Let’s talk about your
father now.”

“
Adam? What’s there to say?
He’s the worst of them all. He was the one who was there when I
first woke up, he’s been there every day since and I’m not even a
blood relative. He took me in and he gave me a good life, and I
repaid him by tearing his life apart. He’s not even working right
now. He spends all of his time in this damn hospital.”

“
Seems to me he wouldn’t be
here if he didn’t want to be. I don’t think blood relations matter
to him at all. I think he feels you are his son in every way
possible.” She picked up a file on the edge of the desk and rifled
through it. “Actually, I wasn’t asking about Adam. I was asking
about your biological father, Ray Ravensong. The documentation I
have here is alarming. Every time you’ve seen this man, he’s
resorted to physical abuse.” She looked up at him, but Joshua’s
eyes were riveted on the file. “Tell me about him,
Joshua.”

“
No,” he said.

She closed the file and lowered it.
“No? Obviously, I’ve touched a nerve. This seems to be an important
key to the puzzle.”

Joshua’s eyes lifted to her. “No, it
isn’t. He isn’t to blame for my drug addiction. I am.”

“
While I commend you for
taking responsibility, you have to understand that child abuse can
create a situation where the adult is more vulnerable to
self-destructive behavior. It most certainly has a bearing on your
own drug use.” She opened the file again and read from it. “And
these attacks were brutal, Joshua. Concussions, broken ribs…broken
pelvis? My god.”

Joshua shifted his attention to the
clock again and watched the second hand go round and
round.

“
Your family feels it’s
important. They shared with me that during all of the attacks, you
never once fought back, you never once protected yourself. Why
not?”

Joshua tried to drown out the sound of
her voice. This was something he wasn’t going to open. Not for his
freedom, not for his family. He wasn’t going to go here.

“
Joshua? Talk to me. Tell
me what you’re thinking.”

The second hand spun merrily on, never
stopping, never slowing. He let his eyes go unfocused and allowed
it to hypnotize him into a calmer state.

She gave an exhalation and closed the
file. “Please don’t do this.”

He shut his eyes. “I’m tired. I just
want to sleep.”

“
That’s a sign of
depression, Joshua. I can give you something to help with
that.”

He opened his eyes and gave a bark of
laughter. “Drugs? You’re going to give me drugs?”

“
A controlled substance
that I will carefully monitor.”

He laughed again. “Are you sure you
have a degree in this?”

“
Sarcasm is defensive.
You’re trying to avoid the real issue.”

He sighed. “I don’t want your drugs. I
just want to go back to my room. Please.”

She stared at him and he couldn’t read
her expression. Finally, she sank back in her chair. “All right,
Joshua. We’re done.”

* * *

Joshua stared out of the
window in his room. He could see the street and the people walking
by, going on with their lives, talking and laughing and enjoying
their freedom.

He’d had seven sessions
with Dr. Staddler so far. He knew the exact number. Each one was so
painful and so long that he’d watched the clock spin obsessively.
Not that being in this room was any better. He paced the length of
it. He stared out of the window. He tried to watch TV, but nothing
interested him. They brought him books and that gave him a few
hours of relief. James had brought him a keyboard, but Joshua had
left it on the table, walking wide around it whenever he had to
pass by. He’d never so much as touched a key and he would never
admit he wanted to, but knowing it was in the room caused a
restless feeling to build inside of him. It was different from his
usual restless feeling. He understood the other. The other feeling
was longing, longing for the drug, a burning ache that never, ever
went away. Even in sleep. Even in sleep, he was aware of the want
for it.

“
You have a visitor,” said
the nurse at his back.

He sighed and turned, tensing himself
for the pitying look one of his family members always gave him.
What he saw instead was pure disgust. Ray stood in the doorway and
looked him up and down.