Ravensong (41 page)

Joshua felt a wash of fear and his
gaze snapped to the nurse, but she was already leaving the room. He
started toward the door, but Ray moved closer into the room and
Joshua stopped abruptly.

“
What are you doing
here?”

“
Visiting my drug addict of
a son. I had to hear about it through the newspapers. Can you
believe that? Your bitch of a mother couldn’t even call to tell me
you’d almost killed yourself.”

Joshua knew his breathing had
accelerated. “Get out.”

“
Don’t talk to me like
that. I’m not the one who screwed up your life. You did. You had
everything you could ask for. Movies, record deals. How could you
be so damn stupid?”

“
I guess I inherited that
from you.”

“
I never became a drug
addict.”

Joshua sneered. “No, you’re just a
drunk.”

Ray’s face contorted and he took a
step closer. “I’d be careful if I were you. I’ve always held a job,
taken care of myself. I’ve never had to be committed for my own
safety. What a loser!”

“
Really? Well, we both know
what you’ll be someday. Someday you’ll be a filthy bum, begging for
food on street, dying in a gutter…”

Ray struck, just as Joshua knew he
would. He belted Joshua on the side of the face, knocking him
almost off his feet, then he struck again, connecting with his
temple. Joshua’s legs crumpled and he dropped to his hands and
knees. Black spots crowded his field of vision and he sank toward
the ground, but a blow in his abdomen had him arching his back. He
gasped for air, but his lungs wouldn’t contract. The next kick
heaved him up and onto his side. His vision cleared enough for him
to see the nurse throwing herself at Ray even as he aimed a kick at
Joshua again. The blow glanced off his shoulder, knocking him back
into the bed tray.

His abdomen spasmed and air rushed
into his lungs, making him gasp in agony. White hot pain raced
along every nerve and he could only lay where he’d fallen, staring
up at the track lights in the ceiling overhead.

* * *

Joshua tried to hide how much it hurt
to lower himself into her chair. She was watching him with a frown,
her glasses curled in a fist. He wondered if she knew he’d provoked
Ray and if she thought it was another attempt at suicide. He wasn’t
sure why he’d done it himself, but he didn’t think it had been
suicide driven. That was one way of dying he didn’t really
relish.

Honestly, he suspected it was a test.
Could he control himself when he was on edge all of the time? The
need for the drug made him feel as if his temper was always raw.
Could he take Ray’s beating and not retaliate? He had to know. How
could he ever leave the hospital if he didn’t know?

“
You look like hell,” she
remarked.

He shrugged, then grimaced. Not a good
idea. His ribs were still tender.

“
I understand that you
refuse to press charges against him?”

Joshua raised a brow, but didn’t
respond.

“
Why?”

“
I don’t want to go to
court. Seems hypocritical considering what I am.”

“
Then defend
yourself.”

“
No.”

“
Why not?”

“
I can’t.”

“
Everyone can. You don’t
have to take that abuse. If you won’t put a permanent stop to it,
you have every right to hit him back.”

“
I can’t.”

She leaned on the desk and clasped her
hands. “Please stop saying that. Why can’t you?”

“
Because if I do, I’ll
become him. If I defend myself one time, I will become him. I know
it.”

She gave a sigh of understanding. “You
think you’ll become an abuser?”

He nodded.

“
It’s a true concern,
Joshua, but it doesn’t have to be a reality.”

“
How so?”

“
Obviously, you’ve not
given in to that impulse so far. I’m not suggesting you visit the
same abuse on him, I’m just suggesting you defend yourself. There
is a difference.”

“
Not once the line has been
crossed.”

She narrowed her eyes on him. “Are you
saying you’ve never struck anyone? Never gotten into a fight, say
in school?”

“
I’ve never struck anyone,
but I’ve been in plenty of fights.”

“
You mean on the receiving
end of them, right?”

He nodded again.

“
How many? Did you get
bullied often?”

He gave a bark of laughter. “I don’t
know how many, but yeah, I got my share of bullying.”

“
More than
James?”

“
You might say
that.”

“
Why? With your talent and
looks…”

Joshua shook his head in grim
amusement. “Funny thing that. There’s something about being
prettier than half the girls that makes other boys want to beat the
shit out of you.”

She opened his file again and flipped
a few pages. “Is that the reason for all of the women? Did you
think you had to prove yourself?”

He couldn’t help but smile. “No, I
just like women. You aren’t very good at this, are you?”

“
Again with the sarcasm.”
But she was smiling. “You can be charming when you want, you know?
How did things get this bad, Joshua? What happened?”

His smile fell away and he shook his
head wearily. “I don’t know.”

She cocked her head in that look that
said he was being difficult.

He wasn’t trying to be. “I’m serious,”
he said, “You don’t even know when it’s happening. It all comes so
quickly, you know? One minute we were playing birthday parties and
the next, we were in Hollywood. We had a record deal and then there
was modeling. After that, they offered me movie parts, small things
at first, then larger. You’re going all hours of the day and late
into the night. You get tired.”

“
Go on,” she said, putting
down her pen and glasses.

He shifted his weight in the chair,
trying to ease the ache in his bruised ribs. “They offer you a pill
to help wake you up, and you take it because you don’t want to seem
ungrateful, but you can’t sleep that night, so they give you
another pill to bring you down. Pretty soon, the pills take too
long to work, so it’s a snort of this to get you up. The next thing
you know, you’re sticking a needle in your arm and waiting for
oblivion to take you. Towards the end, I was taking heroin just so
I could sleep.”

“
Who gave this to
you?”

“
The first was a movie
producer and his assistant. After that, I got it on my
own.”

“
Will you give me the name
of the producer?”

He braced his aching head
with a hand. “You really want to see me dead, don’t
you?”

“
Of course not. What do you
mean?”

Joshua studied her face for a moment,
then sighed. “I’ll give you his name,” he said, realizing he didn’t
care what the retribution might be.

* * *

Joshua watched the swans swimming in
the lake, gliding back and forth with an effortless, lazy push of
one leg or the other. He knew the scene was contrived, designed to
make the hospital prisoners feel calm and serene, but it worked. He
could sit here for hours, watching the swans glide past, listening
to the lap of the water against the bank.

Since he’d been cooperating with Dr.
Staddler, he’d been granted unlimited access to the grounds. He
spent as much time out here as he could, hours on end, wandering
aimlessly or just sitting and watching. The swans were his
favorite, hypnotic in their grace, and for a short time, a very
short time, they eased the nagging want of the drug.

His mind registered the person
standing in front of him and he looked up, blinking to pull his
thoughts back to the present. For a panic-stricken moment, he
didn’t recognize her.

She was slight with long blond hair
and large blue eyes. She had a pretty face, but she was looking him
over as if he’d done something to offend her. Name? What was her
name?
“Hello, Joshua,” she said.

“
Hello.” He drew it out,
trying frantically to remember who she was.

“
Terry?” she
supplied.

That was it. He gave a short
nod.

“
You look like shit,” she
said, then tilted her head to see the side of his face. “You get
hit by a truck or something.”

“
Tree,” he answered.
“Actually,
I
hit
the tree.”

“
You’ve been here almost
two months. That’s still from the car accident?”

Joshua finally understood. “Oh, no,
no, not that.”

She exhaled in exasperation. “God,
what did you do, fry your brains?”

He shrugged. He didn’t think so, but
he could get so distracted at times. Dr. Staddler told him that
would fade. “Why are you here?”

“
We need to
talk.”

He frowned and his memory came back.
He remembered who she was. “Do you have a disease or
something?”

She gave him a very dissatisfied look.
“No, amazingly you didn’t give me anything.” She took a seat beside
him and he shifted so he could face her. “I need to know something
and I need you to tell me the absolute truth. It’s important,
Joshua.”

“
All right.”
“Were you using when we were together?”

His frown deepened.

“
Were you on the drugs
then?” she rephrased.

Something about her question was
destroying the calm he’d built. “Yes,” he answered.

“
Shit!” She turned away
from him and clasped her hands in her lap.

“
Why?”

“
I’m pregnant.”

She said it so casually, Joshua wasn’t
sure he heard her right. “What?”

“
I’m pregnant. You know,
with a baby?”

“
What?” For some reason he
couldn’t think of any other words.

“
I’m having a baby. Shit!”
She stared over the lake. “What a mess!”

Joshua narrowed his eyes on her,
trying to focus his wayward thoughts. “I don’t
understand.”

She gave him a hateful look. “You got
me pregnant, idiot!”

He wanted to dispute what she said,
but his thoughts wouldn’t form into words. Time was difficult for
him, especially in the hospital, but he should be able to pull it
together. His eyes lowered to her stomach. He couldn’t tell
anything from that. She wasn’t showing yet.

“
You’ve really messed
everything up,” she said. “Now I have to have a whole bunch of
tests done.”

“
Tests?”

She glared at him over her shoulder.
“To see if it’s a retard or something.”

He flinched. “You’re going to have
it?”

“
Of course,” she sneered.
“It’s my meal ticket.” She gave a laugh, then noting the look on
his face, she rolled her eyes. “Besides, I don’t believe in
abortion.”

“
What if…what if there’s
something wrong?”

She shrugged. “Guess you’d better pull
yourself together and get out of here. If something’s wrong, we’re
gonna need a lot of money.” She glanced at him from the corners of
her eyes. “Better stop letting people use your pretty face for a
punching bag.”

Joshua grimaced as the muscle spasms
began – a tightening in his abdomen, circling around to the middle
of his back. His flesh crawled as if ants were marching across his
skin.

She didn’t notice his distress. “Shit!
I sure wish you hadn’t been using. It would have been so much
easier.” Pushing herself to her feet, she gave him an annoyed look.
“If this kid is messed up, it’s all your fault.”

Joshua didn’t hear her leave. After
awhile, he realized that the wind was picking up and he was
shivering with cold. He unfolded himself from the bench and rose,
turning away from the lake and heading to the hospital.

He knew he’d hurt his family with his
drug use. That guilt was almost too much to take, but to know he
might have caused permanent damage to an innocent person, a person
incapable of protecting itself, he couldn’t wrap his mind around
that.

He might eventually be able to make
things right with his family, but he’d never make things right if
the child turned out to be damaged. All his fault? Terry was right.
He had done something unforgivable, something so bad there was no
recovering from it.

Staring at himself in the mirror, he
realized he didn’t know how he’d gotten into the bathroom.
Sometimes there were great dark holes where his memory fell and
never surfaced again. They were terrifying, this one
especially.

He looked around the interior of the
room, but they’d taken everything from him – belts, shoelaces, even
the ties on his robe. His gaze rose again and focused on the face
in the mirror. A muscle spasm stole his breath and left him
clinging to the sink, his head bowed against it.