Ravensong (42 page)

Dr. Staddler thought he could defend
himself and not become his father, but he’d already done so. He’d
already harmed the person he was supposed to protect. A choking
rage rose inside of him and he struck the mirror with his fist. It
splintered, chunks falling into the sink, pattering on the floor.
He extended his hand and stared at the glass sticking out of his
knuckles, the ribbon of blood dripping off his hand. A drop
splattered on a piece of glass in the sink and he stared at it in
fascination.

Slowly he rotated his arm until his
wrist was turned up, then he reached for the glass in the sink. He
knew which way to cut, slicing from the base of his palm toward his
elbow. He didn’t even feel the pain over the agony from the muscle
spasms.

Blood pooled in the wound, then
overflowed, pulsing with each beat of his heart, gushing into the
sink. He sliced the other wrist the same way, but already his head
was getting light and his knees were shaking. He backed up a few
steps and connected with the open door, then slid down the surface
of it until he was sitting on the floor. Both wrists were pulsing
with his heartbeat and he carefully laid them across his thighs and
let his eyes fall closed.

The other pain had become distant and
dull as a buzzing filled his head. He blinked when he heard someone
call his name, then motion exploded all around him.

“
Help!” came his brother’s
voice and something was pressed onto his wrists. “Help me,
please!”

He wanted to tell James to leave him
alone, but he couldn’t make his mouth form the words. He tried to
pull away, but his body wouldn’t respond, then the need to sleep
became overwhelming.

* * *

“
Talk to me, Joshua.” She’d
had difficult patients before, but this one was proving harder than
most. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

He narrowed his dark eyes on her and
looked through her. Sometimes he seemed so far away, so lost in his
own mind. What a hell that must be!

“
You said I wouldn’t become
him, but I did.”

“
Become him? Your
father?”

“
You said that I didn’t
have to follow his path.”

She nodded. “I meant that. We all have
choices we can make, Joshua.”

“
But I did. I became
him.”

She frowned. She knew there was a
reason for his actions, but often she couldn’t trace the pattern.
That’s what made him so dangerous to himself, he was so
unpredictable and she was always a step behind. “You struck
someone?”

He shook his head. “Worse. I damaged
my own child.”

She leaned back in her chair and
studied him. This is why she was never on pace with him. She never
had all of the information. “I don’t think I understand. I didn’t
know you had a child.” She flipped the pages of his file. “There’s
nothing in here about it. Your family didn’t indicate
anything.”

“
They don’t
know.”

“
Ah,” she said. “How did
you find out? Better yet, when did you find out?” The missing piece
fell into place just as she spoke. “The day you slit your
wrists?”

His eyes dropped to his bandaged
wrists. She’d lost another week over this one. He’d been serious
about it, cutting in the most damaging direction. And he might have
been successful, if his brother hadn’t come in when he did. So much
for suicide watch. She knew it was almost impossible to stop
someone who was as determined as he was, but they should have made
a better showing of it. His family had been equally outraged. She
could still see the desperate, crippled look in his mother’s
eyes.

“
You had a visitor that
day, right? A young woman?” She’d approved it herself, hoping that
the woman would spark some sign of life in him, but it had done the
opposite. She held herself responsible. She should have been more
insistent on knowing what the visit was about before she approved
it. “What did she tell you?”

“
That she’s
pregnant.”

At least he was giving the information
without her dragging it from him. She gave a nod. “I
see.”

“
She wanted to know if I
was using when we were together.” He looked at her, his eyes bleak.
It scared her. “I was.”

“
And she wanted to know
why?”

“
She said she had to have
tests to see if the baby was damaged.” He closed his eyes and
exhaled. “How can it not be? I was high all of the
time.”

Dr. Staddler leaned forward in her
chair. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We still don’t know
enough about fetal development, Joshua. The baby might be
fine.”

“
And it might
not.”

She nodded. “It might not, but don’t
you think it would want to have a father to help it face
that?”

“
One that caused the
defect?”

“
Even then, Joshua.” She
drummed her fingers on the desk in worry. “I assume she intends to
keep the baby no matter the outcome of the test.”

Joshua stared at her. “She said it was
her meal ticket.”

Dr. Staddler grimaced. Great, another
thing for her to try and mitigate. “You don’t seem irresponsible to
me, Joshua. How could you take your own life, knowing someone else
might need you?”

His expression crumbled. Such misery
stared back at her that she felt her heart pick up speed. She’d
seen this look before. Not all suicide was a cry for help.
Sometimes the person really did want to die. Those were almost
impossible to prevent.

“
I can’t take anymore. I
can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. All I see is shame,
such shame. It’s more than I can take. Everywhere I look I’ve
caused unbearable pain. And now a baby?” He wrapped a bandaged arm
around his stomach in an unconscious gesture. “I just can’t do
this. I’m not strong enough.”

She came out of her chair and crossed
around to him. Taking his free hand in hers, she squeezed it. “Yes,
you can. You can do this. Let me help you. Let me carry some of
this for awhile.”

He met her gaze. “You can’t,” he
whispered.

CHAPTER 17

Elena studied Joshua. He was asleep in
the seat across from her, his expression far from serene. Even in
sleep, he was frowning and flinching at things she could only
imagine. He wouldn’t give her much information about what was
wrong, but it was starting to gnaw at her.

She’d confided in Kate, but Kate
hadn’t been much help, telling her she didn’t know what to say.
Kate didn’t approve of the relationship and thought Elena ought to
cut her losses, that is until Elena told her she was in love with
Ravensong and wasn’t about to walk away now.

In truth, Elena’s dedication surprised
no one more than herself. No man had ever put her through as much
doubt and confusion as Joshua, but it didn’t even cross her mind to
leave. The way he clung to her in the night was enough to keep her
here, knowing that whatever demons he faced, she gave him some
level of comfort.

She heard the bus driver swear and
glanced up as Elliot rose to his feet and peered out of the window
next to her. She looked out as well. She couldn’t see the radio
station, where the band was supposed to give an interview, due to
the mob of people surrounding it. They filled the sidewalks and had
even begun to move toward the bus as soon as they caught sight of
it.

Elena stared in shock. The interview
was supposed to be done in secret, the public not knowing the
location until after it aired, but fans were converging on the bus,
forcing it to crawl to a halt.

Elena reached over and touched James’
knee. He blinked open his eyes and squinted at her. She pointed out
the window, where hands were beginning to appear, tapping against
the glass.

“
Holy shit!” he said,
startling Joshua.

Joshua rubbed a hand over his face and
then turned to the windows, leaning toward his brother for a better
view.

“
What the hell is this?”
shouted Julian, hurrying from the back of the bus to the
front.

“
The station is
surrounded,” remarked the bus driver, applying the brake. “I can’t
even get close.”

Julian grabbed his cell phone and
dialed frantically. Elena could see the flashing light of police
cars as they crawled through the crowd. She could hear Julian
speaking rapidly into the phone as the doors of the radio station
opened and a figure, escorted by security guards, forced his way
through the crowd and to the doors of the bus. The bus driver
opened the door only long enough to allow him inside.

Julian slammed the phone shut and
turned on him. “Are you Phillip?”

“
Yes, and you must be
Julian.” He held out his hand to shake, but Julian moved closer to
him, speaking into his face.

“
What the hell is this? We
arranged a private interview with the band. No one was supposed to
know about it until it aired.”

Phillip frowned at him.
“Yesterday you called and said that Ravensong…” He paused and
smiled at Joshua. “…was signing five hundred autographs and posing
for pictures with each recipient.”

“
What?”

Phillip’s frown deepened. “We started
promoting yesterday afternoon. Honestly we didn’t expect it to be
this big, but who are we to complain? We’re the most popular radio
station in the city right now.”

The bus suddenly swayed and everyone
grabbed for a hold. Joshua’s eyes whipped to the window and Elena
could see the panic light in their dark depths. She reached over
and took his hand, squeezing it.

“
I don’t know what you’re
playing at,” said Julian in his coolest voice, “but I would never
have made such an arrangement. We don’t drawn attention to any band
member over the others. If this is some gimmick…”

“
Hold on a minute!” said
Phillip. “I received your call myself. You made it very clear that
you wanted a bigger promotion because you were getting ready to
launch your European tour. Are you telling me that you aren’t going
to honor our deal?”

“
I’m telling you…” began
Julian.

Joshua rose from his seat. “I’ll do
it, Julian,” he said. His eyes shifted to Phillip. “Just get us
into the studio safely. The band can give the interview, while I
sign the autographs.”

“
Five hundred?” said
Elliot, turning on him.

Joshua shrugged.

“
We want Ravensong in on
the interview. That will reach a lot more than five hundred,”
complained Phillip.

“
That’s the deal,” said
Joshua, casting an anxious glance at the window. The bus swayed
again. “You’d better hurry and make up your mind. Someone’s liable
to get hurt.”

The station manager didn’t seem happy
about the arrangement, but when the bus swayed once more, he gave
in. “All right, I agree, but I wouldn’t have made this arrangement
if I’d known it would turn out this way.” He glanced at the
security guards. “Let us get the situation contained and we’ll
begin.” He left the bus surrounded by his men and forced his way
through the crowd back into the building.

James pushed past his brother and
advanced on Julian. “Are you sure you didn’t make this
arrangement?”

Julian’s eyes bulged. “Really? Do you
really think I’d want to draw this much attention to your brother?
I’m pushing for the band to become more independent. Ask him
yourself.”

Joshua pulled his brother back beside
him. “I don’t think he did this, James. Not like this.”

“
Damn right I didn’t.
Besides that, we have a concert tonight. Do you know how long this
is going to take?” He glared at Joshua. “You shouldn’t have
agreed.”

“
And risk a riot!”
interrupted James. “Look out there.”

Julian rubbed his eyes in frustration.
“This tour has been one fiasco after another. It’s like we’re
operating under a curse.”

James’s gaze narrowed on him. “Exactly
who knew about this interview? How many people did you
tell?”

Julian shrugged. “Same as always know.
The band, the station, and my assistant.”

“
No one else?”

Julian shook his head. “Of course not.
Who else would I tell?”

“
What about your assistant?
Is he trustworthy?”

A look crossed Julian’s face. “I think
he is, but he’s new.” He glared at Elena now. She glared back at
him. “Yeah, he’s trustworthy. Besides, this strange shit was
happening before he came on board.”

“
Until this tour is over, I
suggest you keep these events as secret as possible. Don’t tell
your assistant, don’t tell anyone but the band members in the
privacy of your morning meetings. No one else.”

Julian considered that for a moment,
then he nodded. “You’re probably right.”

“
Here they come,” said
Elliot, motioning out the window.

* * *

Joshua flexed his fingers and rubbed
his palm. His mouth felt as stiff as his hand from smiling for so
many pictures. He watched the last group press their way out of the
door, fighting the crowd that still stood shoulder to shoulder
outside.