Ravensong (44 page)

“
I understand that, but
what about another band? Are there any bands you know who would
like to have his talent, his charisma? There must be some way you
can get him an audition. There must be a band somewhere that needs
a lead singer.”

James shook his head. “Do you know how
difficult that’s going to be? His drug rehab has been posted all
over the web and the news.”

Emily opened her desk drawer and
reached for the CD. She tossed it onto the blotter in front of
James. “I understand that, but we’ve got this. If you can get them
to listen, they might take a chance on him.”

James reached for the CD and curled
his fingers around it. “You might be right, but you’ve forgotten
something else. Joshua isn’t going to go along. I don’t know how
you’re going to get him to agree.”

“
I’ll work on him,” she
said with false brightness. She really had no idea how she was
going to get him to agree either, but she’d figure out a
way.

* * *

Joshua watched the swans meander
lazily around the small pond. The last time he’d sat here was weeks
and weeks ago before Terry had told him about the baby and he’d
tried to kill himself. He turned his wrists over, pushed back his
sleeves, and studied the raised, newly healed pink scars. When the
shadow fell over him, he crossed his arms, hiding them, and leaned
back on the bench.

“
Hey, Josh,” said
James.

Joshua blinked up into the sun, seeing
his brother’s silhouette and that of Dr. Staddler. A touch of anger
snaked through him and he wondered what secrets she’d been
divulging to his family now.

“
Can we talk to you for a
minute, Joshua?” asked Dr. Staddler.

Joshua sighed. He was beginning to
hate it when people said those words to him. There was no way it
was good news. As if she guessed the direction of his thoughts, she
hunkered down out of the sunlight and gave him a tight
smile.

“
We have some good news,”
she said with false brightness.

He narrowed his eyes on her, but
didn’t respond. No matter how hard he tried to dislike her, her
perpetual cheer and genuine good will slipped under his
defenses.

“
Go on, James,” she said,
squinting up at him.

James also hunkered down in front of
him. Joshua frowned at him, pressing back into the bench. They were
both acting so odd, he knew he wasn’t going to like what they
said.

“
I found a band in San
Francisco. Four players right now – guitar, bass, keyboard and
drums. They’re really good. Cool bluesy sound and some raw vocals.
They’ve been playing some fairly large clubs and they just got a
record deal.”

“
I thought you were going
into the police academy?”

James gave a jerky nod. “Yeah, next
month. Anyway, the record company signed them with one stipulation.
They had to get a defining sound for the band, one unifying voice…”
He paused and glanced at the psychologist. “So they’ve been looking
for a lead singer.”

Joshua was up and moving before James’
voice trailed away. He stepped between the two of them and started
back for the hospital.

“
Don’t walk away, Joshua,”
said Dr. Staddler, but Joshua didn’t hesitate.

He’d just reached the steps
when James said the one thing that could bring him back around.
“They were really impressed with the
Blazes
CD. Actually, they were
impressed with you – your voice.”

Joshua came to a halt and curled his
hands into fists. He whirled around and advanced on his brother
again. “You gave them that CD? You let them listen to
it?”

James nodded. “They were
impressed.”

“
I hate that CD and you
know it. How could you betray me like this?”

James flinched, but Dr. Staddler moved
to his side. “I told him to do it. I gave it to him. Blame
me.”

Joshua glared at her. “I’m not going
to blame you. You got your bubblegum degree by collecting box tops,
you don’t know anything.” She placed her hands on her hips in
outrage, but he ignored her, focusing on his brother. “But you, you
knew how I felt about this. How could you do this to
me?”

“
Because you need to get
back into the music, Josh.”

“
No, I don’t.”

“
Yes, you do. It’s inside
of you. Nothing else is going to make you happy. Nothing else has
such meaning for you.”

Joshua went toe to toe with his
brother. “You’re wrong. Nothing has meaning. Nothing has purpose. I
ruined it all – even the music.”

“
That’s not true, Josh.
Listen to the CD. You’ll see what everyone else sees…hears. It was
still there, even then, it was there.”

“
Stop saying that! It was
an addict’s nightmare. I don’t even remember doing half of it.” He
took a step back and exhaled. “I can’t do it again. I can’t chance
it again.”

“
What’s there to chance?
You know the music. You know how to create and play and
perform.”

“
Only when I’m
high.”

“
No, Josh, you did it for
years before that. You can find that purity again. And this time,
it can be better. You’ve got more experience, more knowledge, more
maturity.” He came forward and grabbed his brother’s shoulders.
“You can be in control, Josh, just like you’ve always
wanted.”

“
Besides,” said Dr.
Staddler, “you now have a baby to support. How are you going to do
that, Joshua?”

Joshua recoiled. He hadn’t thought
about that. He tried to think of all the things he was good at and
nothing came to mind. He’d never been a very good student, he
couldn’t sit still in the desks, and he hated manual labor. The
only thing he’d been good at was music. It was all he’d ever
wanted, all he’d ever known.

“
They’ve agreed to meet
with you at the beginning of next week,” she said, reaching out and
touching his arm. He knew she did it to ground him, but this time
he didn’t focus on her. He was still trying to figure out what he
could do for a living. “Just you and James will go. What do you
say?”

Finally Joshua looked at her. He
didn’t know what to say. He was too confused.

* * *

“
They’ve got this really
raw sound, Josh, pure, untamed.” James winked at him. “Not
commercial in any way.”

Tall, grey buildings filled the street
around them. Fog crept between them, sliding past like an ethereal
snake. Joshua could smell the ocean, the salty tang and the
unmistakable odor of seafood. He felt as if the fog closed him off,
hid his anxiety from his brother and himself. He liked the
anonymity of it.

“
I think it’s your sort of
sound.”

Joshua wanted to say he didn’t have a
sound, not anymore, but that seemed too melodramatic and he was
tired of being tragic. Still he couldn’t match his brother’s rabid
enthusiasm. He was afraid.

He hadn’t played in so many months and
he didn’t dare sing. Not a word, not a note. What if he couldn’t
anymore? What if his voice wasn’t there? It had been so natural
before, but he’d damaged so much in his body. What if he’d lost
that too?

He rubbed a thumb across the raised
scar on his wrist, then stopped when James’ gaze focused on it.
Looking around, he let his brother’s prattle lull him into a
hypnotic calm. He was a little surprised when James stopped at a
non-descript door and reached for the knob.

“…
and the guitarist is
something, better than I ever dreamed of being…”

“
James?”

James stopped talking and gave him a
quizzical look.

“
What the hell is this
place?” he asked, looking up at the bland façade, the grey siding
and the utility windows overhead. “It looks like a
warehouse.”

“
It is. This is
where
Avalanche
practices.”

Joshua quirked a brow. “In a
warehouse?”

James laughed. “They haven’t cut the
record deal yet, Josh.” He shrugged. “It’s better than practicing
in our parents’ basement.”

Joshua made a face. “If you say
so?”

James laughed again and pulled open
the door. They stepped through into a room that was only marginally
brighter than the foggy day outside. A makeshift stage dominated
the room and a few folding chairs were strung out before it. Joshua
caught sight of the guitarist and bassist before two men approached
them.

One moved faster than the others – a
stout man with curly brown hair. He beamed at James and reached
out, shaking his hand. “You must be James Connor,
right?”

“
Yeah,” said James,
accepting the vigorous handshake. “And you’re David?”

“
Sure am.” David’s eyes cut
to Joshua. “And you’re Joshua Ravensong.”

Joshua accepted the hand offered to
him, but he couldn’t speak. In fact, he couldn’t make himself move
farther into the warehouse. James must have seen that he was ready
to bolt because he put his arm around Joshua’s shoulder and pulled
him to his side.

David motioned the second man forward.
“This is my assistant manager, Julian Howard.”

Julian didn’t offer a hand. He ignored
James and looked Joshua up and down over the rim of his glasses.
“You’ve got the looks, all right, but can you duplicate the sound
that we heard on the CD?”

Joshua flinched. He didn’t want to
talk about the CD. James’ hand tightened on his shoulder. “I think
my brother’s voice is an excellent match to your band.”

Julian finally looked at him, raising
his brows.

David smiled. “I think so too. Come,
meet the band,” he said, motioning toward the stage.

Joshua felt panic begin to edge toward
the surface. He couldn’t make his legs move, and he folded his arms
across his chest to hide the sudden trembling in his hands. This
was too fast. He couldn’t do this, not like this. He was used to
playing with his brother. He couldn’t even think about venturing
out on his own, not now.

James could feel the tension in his
body and David marked the panic in his eyes. He looked to James for
help. James gave a forced laugh. “Maybe we can hear them perform
first? Ease our way into this?”

David nodded. Cupping his hands around
his mouth, he shouted at the band to play something. He continued
to beam good cheer on both of them as they watched the band take
position. Joshua felt Julian’s speculative gaze on him, but he
refused to meet the challenge.

Then the music started. At first, all
Joshua could think about was the desire to flee, but gradually the
pulsing rhythm of the song seeped into his body and forced him to
relax. He lost himself in the pleasure of it.

Sure, there were rough spots that
could be smoothed out – he’d already decided what had to be done
with that, and that guitar was badly in need of a tuning, but that
didn’t negate the guitarist’s talent. He liked the harmonizing they
did on the vocals, but he could see that they needed a lead singer,
one dynamic voice to unify the varying threads. They hovered on the
edge of brilliance. A small adjustment here and there, and they’d
achieve it – especially if that guitar was in tune.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed,
but he realized that for the first time in months, he felt calm. He
didn’t feel the undercurrent of hunger that always lay beneath the
surface, the constant itching of need for the drug. For a brief,
beautiful moment, he felt whole again and sane. So damn
sane.

Then they stopped.

“
Take a break,” David said,
turning to James, who gushed profusely at the
performance.

Joshua hardly heard them, he was
focused on the guitarist. While the others had disappeared toward a
table covered in sweets and drinks, he’d taken a seat on a stool
and was messing with the guitar. He’d turned the amplifier down
low, but Joshua could feel the vibration of it from where he
stood.

He moved toward him, drawn by the
music, unable to stop himself. He climbed up the steps onto the
stage and stopped before him. The guitarist looked up and smiled.
He had shaggy brown hair and a wicked grin. With one hand, he
gripped the neck of the guitar and offered the other to
Joshua.

“
Elliot Evans,” he
said.

Joshua gave him his own hand. “Joshua
Ravensong.”

“
I know,” he remarked with
another wicked smile. He released Joshua and plucked a few strings
on the guitar.

“
You know it’s out of tune,
right?”

Elliot laughed. “Yeah, but that’s not
one of my talents. I hate that fussy work and this baby is
fussy.”

Joshua’s eyes were fixed on the
instrument and he spoke without realizing what he was going to say.
“Can I try?”

“
Sure,” said Elliot,
slinging it over his head and holding it out to Joshua. “Here, take
my seat.”

Joshua’s eyes shot to his face and he
took a step back. He hadn’t meant to be so bold. In fact, he never
meant to touch a guitar again. Still, he couldn’t help reaching for
this one, and once it was in his hands, it was natural to lean
against the stool and let his fingers wander over the
strings.