Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (17 page)

“Jason…please…it…it wasn’t
nothing
…that’s what I wanted to say to you… It was so much
more
than nothing…but now…now I think you just need to go.”

Jason chuckled darkly again. “You really are a prick tease, aren’t you? Little Miss Fucking Prim and Proper.” His fist slammed into the wall beside her. “You’re so damned frustrating!”

Her eyes snapped open to see the fire in his. “Yeah? Well I guess we know now whose blood you have flowing through
your
veins, don’t we?” She immediately regretted her words.

He staggered backward as if she had punched him in the guts. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open in disbelief. “I’m…I’m nothing like
him
… How could you even
think
that? Let alone speak the fucking
words
to me? That was a fucking low and painful blow, but at least now I know how you really feel.” Pain and anguish glowed vividly in his eyes just before he turned away.

She covered her mouth with shaking hands. “I’m…I didn’t mean it… You were intimidating me, Jason—”

Before she could get him to calm down and listen, he pulled the handle and walked out of the door, leaving it wide open. Her chest heaved, and she was suddenly terrified. What had she done? No matter
what
he’d said to her, that was the
cruellest
blow she could have possibly struck. Comparing him to his abusive father was the worst thing to do, and she felt disgusted with her behaviour.

Once her legs regained the ability to function and her brain was once more engaged, she ran after him but he was nowhere to be seen. Panic ripped through her as she ran to the main hut. The kids weren’t there and neither was David. She ran out and back to the main clearing and found the bus.

“Oh there you are, Mrs. Norton. Where’ve you been? Mr. Reynolds can’t make the trip now, so we’ve got Harry instead. He’s a qualified instructor, so it’s fine. Dorcas said you were worried about the lifejackets, but I said it was probably just nerves…you know with you being a bit new to all this outdoors stuff. Anyway, come on, hop in the bus. We can go now that you’re here.”

David’s words went in one ear and out the other. “Oh… David, I’m sorry but I need to speak to Mr. Reynolds very quickly. Do you know where I can find him?”

David leaned in and whispered harshly, “Mrs. Norton, do I need to remind you that we are here on
school
business? I think your…whatever it is…with Mr. Reynolds will have to wait. Don’t you?”

She stared at him, ready to retaliate but clamped her mouth shut. Whatever she said now would only make things worse. And he was actually quite right.

Reluctantly, she boarded the bus, not remembering if she had even closed her cabin door, never mind locked it. Her personal belongings were in there, but she was past caring. She stared out the window as they made the twenty-minute coach journey to their destination.

The Cairngorms National Park was a truly magnificent place. The colours were so vivid. The verdant green of the trees was a striking contrast to the cornflower-blue sky overhead. She could honestly now see the attraction to the place, miles from anywhere but so beautiful in all its Scottish splendour.

The bus and its passengers arrived in the car park at Loch Morlich. Once they had all climbed down and walked through the trees toward the shore of the loch, she paused and looked out at the still water with its mountain backdrop. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in the colours and smells of this most stunning location. The water idled lazily toward the shore, lapping at the shingles as the kids chased around and splashed each other. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, listening to the wind as it gently rustled through the lush green giants surrounding her. Yes, she could definitely see the attraction of being here. Suddenly, she thought of Jason.

Oh God, please let him be okay. And please let him forgive my cruel stupidity.

The kayaks were laid neatly by the water’s edge in all their gregarious yellow glory, being checked by Harry. He delivered the safety instructions to the students with great competence. Each was issued with a lifejacket and helmet. The kayaks were allocated, too. She had been informed she could sit it out if she’d preferred, but she’d decided that it would take her mind off things and pulled on her lifejacket and helmet, ready to face another new challenge. David seemed impressed.

He made his way over to where she stood, glanced around and then back at her, lowering his voice. “Look…I wanted to apologise. I have no clue what’s going on with you and Jason and it’s none of my business… If I’m completely honest, it was jealousy talking. Now forgive me for saying what I’m about to say, as I’m aware that it’s highly inappropriate, but I feel it needs to be said by way of explanation for my outburst. I find you very attractive, Stevie, and I’d kind of hoped that us being here together might give us a chance to get to know each other better and that maybe you’d realise you liked me too. I see now that it’s not going to happen. And it’s obvious that there’s something between you and Jason. But…the way
he
looks at you is…well…
odd
. He looks at you like he’s known you forever. Like you’re the love of his life or something. He looks like he wants to swallow you whole. What I mean is…just be careful, okay? He looks like he could chew you up and spit you out. And…I just wanted to say that I’m here if you need me.”

She was shocked by this latest development and of his description of the looks Jason had given her. But she smiled sweetly and nodded, unsure of what else to say.

Once her sprayskirt was fixed in place, helmet on, and her perfectly fine lifejacket was zipped up, Harry secured her into her boat. She joined the rest of the kids as she paddled like crazy getting nowhere fast. Before long she was upside down under the freezing cold water of Loch Morlich. Once she righted herself again, she started the whole cycle over. Paddle like crazy, lose control, roll, repeat. In the end, she gave up and sat stationary in her kayak, watching the others have fun.

Even as the clouds closed in over-head and she was finally subjected to the rain that Scotland was noted for, her thoughts continually drifted back to Jason and his arrogant defence mechanism. There was no wonder he hadn’t had a proper relationship in ten years if that was how he behaved. It was as if he was terrified to let anyone get close.

Seeing his eyes this morning filled with a combination of rage and lust was quite frightening and—even more disconcerting—a major turn on. Clearly, he was a man who could be fierce, a trait he had surely picked up along the way. It was certainly not something he was known for ten years ago. Back then he was sensitive, mild and calm, a deep thinker. He had called his former self a
prissy wimp
this morning. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. She had never viewed him that way. But he clearly disdained his past, and that was understandable considering what he had endured.

She shook her head, deciding that mulling over this was a waste of her time. She began paddling once more, but no sooner had she begun than she was under the water yet again.

****

At the end of a very long and tiring day, the students had all disembarked the bus in the low light of the mid-evening and made their weary way to their cabins to shower and change for dinner. Stevie felt achy and bedraggled. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were still damp from the rain and capsizing countless times, despite the instructions Harry was shouting over the noise of the raucous teenagers.

Once all the students and David were out of sight, she made her way to Jason’s cabin. She had no clue what to expect. She had no clue if he’d even
be
there. But something compelled her to go and find out.

Chapter Twelve

The lights were off when Stevie arrived at the cabin. Not letting this discourage her, she walked around to his door to find that it had been left ajar. She pushed it open and stepped inside. The place was silent.

“What do
you
want?” came a gruff voice from behind her. She physically jumped. He stood silhouetted in the doorway, and as it had dropped quite dark outside, his face wasn’t visible.

She sighed heavily. “I came to apologise for what I said this morning.”

“Right. Well you’ve said it, so you can fuck off back to your cabin now.”

She inhaled sharply as his words cut her. “Jason…
please
. I didn’t mean it. You are
nothing
like your father. It was wrong of me to make such an evil comparison.”

“Nope, you were right. I
have
got his blood running through my veins. I just never imagined it would be
you
who pointed that out to me. Now, please leave.” He stepped aside for her, but she stayed rooted to the spot.

“No, I’m not leaving. Not this time.”

“Suit yourself. I’m having another drink, and then I’m off to bed to try and forget this past few days ever happened.” He walked past her. “You can let yourself out.”

He walked over to the counter top and flicked a switch which made the under cabinet lighting illuminate. He grabbed a half empty bottle of single malt, poured three fingers of the amber liquid into a glass, and downed half in one gulp, hissing through his teeth after he’d swallowed. He turned to face her, and his eyes were red rimmed.

“You still fucking here?”

She nodded. “Jason, I don’t want to leave you like this.”

“Nah, leaving is
my
job, eh? And I’m fucking good at it apparently. The
best
,” he mumbled, the Scottish tinge to his accent strengthening in his less than sober state.

Tentatively, she walked toward him. “Are you drunk? You’re swearing a lot. Have you had a lot of that today?”

He shook his head. “Nah. This is only my second…maybe my third…fourth. Why?”

“Because I need to say some things to you, and I want you sober.”

His head lolled back and he groaned. “Awww, Stevie don’t
do
this, okay? Enough. I’ve heard just about as much as I can take of your fucking judgemental words of wisdom. Save it for your students, all right?” He rubbed his eyes.

Oh great. I’ve really done a number on him, haven’t I?

“Please, Jason. Come and sit with me.”

He puffed out his cheeks and acquiesced as if he had no energy to argue. He slumped down on the sofa while she fumbled with a lamp on the table. She removed the glass from his fingers and grasped his now empty hand in hers. He looked down at their entwined fingers and frowned.

“Jason, I need you to know that what I said was totally out of line. I was just…” She sighed heavily. “I felt intimidated by you when you backed me up to the wall. I had a boyfriend…not Miles…someone else…who hit me a couple of times when I wouldn’t sleep with him, and so it made me feel uncomfortable when you—” She was caught off guard by the groan that left his chest as he leaned forward and punched the sofa at the opposite side to where she sat. She jumped.

“Fucking
idiot
!” he shouted. “I always make such a damned mess of everything! Why can’t I just do the right thing, eh?”

She stroked his leg in a bid to soothe him. “No…no…you weren’t to know, and I know you well enough to realise that you were just upset and frustrated by my mixed signals. It doesn’t give you a right to intimidate me. I won’t let any man do that to me again. But I know you well enough—”

He snapped his head around to her. “No, you don’t! That’s the trouble! You know eighteen-year-old me, who was all sweetness and fucking light. Who I am now bears no resemblance to him. I’ve seen active service in some of the scariest places on earth. I’ve killed people. You have no clue
who
I am anymore. I’m not even sure
I
know who I fucking am!”

Hearing this admission made her heart ache. This already damaged man had joined the army to put his anger to good use, but it clearly hadn’t worked in his particular case and had only served to damage him further. She closed her eyes as tears cascaded down her face.

“Don’t cry, Stevie, please. It breaks my heart that you cry because of me. I used to make you smile…and now look what I do… I can’t bear it, sweetheart…please.” He scrambled closer to her and pulled her into his lap where he held her to his chest. “Please…shhh. Please don’t cry. Not because of me. I’m not worth it.” He stroked her hair as she sobbed into him. He began to kiss her hair and her cheeks where the tears had left damp trails.

After a few moments, she began to kiss him too. She cradled his face and kissed his mouth. She could see the moisture around his eyes glistening in the lamplight. She kissed him again, wiping under his eyes with her thumbs, there was no talking, just kissing and caressing. He reciprocated gently at first.