Relative Happiness (35 page)

Adrian's demeanour had changed. He was no longer the confident man who walked in. She felt more familiar with this man. Her heart thawed a little, and she forgot about herself. There was only the story to listen to.

“One day, a long line formed outside the doctor's tent, where they gave vaccines to the children, to prevent measles. It's a deadly disease in these places. It kills so many. There aren't enough health facilities in the country. It was hot and windy. The kind of day you want to scream because there's no escape from the sand or the dust. I happened to walk by with forms for the office, when I felt a small tug on my sleeve. I turned around and there she was. She looked frantic. She held up her baby girl. I knew there was something wrong. The baby was limp, unconscious. They'd stood at the end of the line in that hot sun.”

Adrian wrung his hands. “I grabbed the baby and she ran after me. I went into the medical hut, and asked someone to help me. They took the baby and put her on a table. Two nurses started to undress her. They did what needed to be done. Her mother stood by the bed, so I left.”

Adrian had to stop and swallow.

“At dinner that night, one of the nurses came up and told me it was a good thing I brought the baby when I did. She was dehydrated and suffering from sunstroke. So many things can happen to these children, who are vulnerable already. It's heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.”

“I went back to the medical tent the next day. There she was. She sat by her baby in a makeshift cot in a corner of the room. She turned around and smiled the sweetest smile. She came over and took me by the hand, back to the cot.”

“The baby was awake and looked much better. I touched her cheek. I pointed to the baby and said ‘Binti,' the word for ‘daughter' in Swahili. She nodded her head but said nothing else. Since I had no other name, that's what I called her.”

He stopped for a moment and looked down. “I felt protective of her and the baby. I soon realized she was very attached to me.”

Lexie finally spoke. “You saved her child.”

“Yes. Soon I found excuses to see her, or to be near her. She didn't speak, but I knew how she felt about me. One of my friends noticed it and told me to back off, because it wouldn't do to have the staff give more attention to one than the others. I thought he was being overly dramatic. I wanted her close to me. She was alone. I hated to see her without a friend.”

Adrian got up from the chair and paced, as if to stay ahead of the facts he brought to light. Lexie got edgy. This didn't feel good.

“One day she came over and handed me a small piece of paper. I felt uneasy as I took it, because sometimes people watched us, but it seemed a harmless enough thing to do.”

He stopped and looked down at his hand as if he held the paper. “It was a small drawing of the view just outside the camp, a lone tree against the flat plateau that made up our landscape. I pointed to it and then to her and I. She nodded her head.”

He closed his fist and suddenly dropped in his chair. He didn't look at her. His eyes focussed inwards.

“We arranged a signal to meet, because to go near her all the time looked suspicious. Three small stones in the hollow by the office. If I put them there, we'd meet at the tree after sunset.”

Adrian did look up now, as if to make her understand. “I should never have done that, lure her out of the camp after dark. I didn't think because I was selfish. I wanted to make love to her.”

Adrian grabbed his wine and gulped it down. “Everything was fine for awhile. We'd meet and we needed no words. I thought about how I might get her out of that camp, her and Binti.”

Adrian didn't speak for a long time. Lexie watched him. His face looked haunted as he stared in the fire.

“Adrian, you don't have to talk. I don't need to know anymore. I don't want you to be upset.”

He looked over at her, but it was as if she hadn't spoken. “One day I couldn't find her. I went to her tent. I'd never done that before. I asked an old woman if she'd seen her. She didn't say anything, just lifted the covering on a little bundle by her side. It was Binti. I knew something was wrong. She'd never leave her child unless it was to come to me. I looked everywhere for her. The sun was going down and I ran out of places to look. Then I thought of the hollow. There were three stones…I hadn't put them there.”

Adrian found it hard to keep his voice steady. Lexie didn't want to hear it.

“I started to run. She might have gone to the well. I had to believe that. I started to panic because I had a feeling I couldn't get rid of. Something was wrong. I shouted ‘Binti' over and over. I had no other name. I looked and looked and had to keep going. I was responsible for her, Lexie. She had no one else.”

Adrian looked at her, bewilderment in his eyes. “What had she gone through to make her never want to speak again? Where were her husband, her mother, and her family? Why was she so alone?”

Before Lexie knew what happened, Adrian got on the floor and grabbed the old pillow he used to love to sit on. He held it close to his chest, and rocked back and forth. She wanted him to stop.

“Adrian, please stop. Please. It's all right. I don't want to know.”

He was past hearing her. He wasn't in the room anymore. He ran on an African plateau, under a moonlit sky, out of breath and searching.

“That's when I found her.”

He started to sob. He wouldn't stop. Lexie got on her knees and tried to hold him but he just rocked and rocked. She couldn't believe this was happening. He was in desperate pain.

He put his hands over his face, as if he didn't want to see.

“Oh Lexie.”

She tried to hush him like a baby. “Don't Adrian. Don't.”

He cried into his hands. “The things they did to her, Lexie. The things they did to her.”

Oh my God. This has to stop.

“Adrian. She's not in pain anymore. She's not there.” She was frantic to try and help him in some way. “It's over dearest. It's all over. She's safe now. She's not there. She's at peace now.”

He didn't talk. That part was over. But he cried. He cried his heart out. She sat on the floor beside him, her arm across his back. She gave him Kleenex. Sophie came over and rubbed against him. He picked her up and held her close, stroking her fur over and over. He stopped rocking so hard. The three of them swayed together until the embers died away.

Lexie told him she'd get him a taxi. He was calm now, but he didn't say very much. She said he should try to get some sleep. He turned before he left.

“I didn't mean for it to be like that. I only wanted to explain.”

“It's okay Adrian. You need to rest now.” And she opened the front door for him. “Goodbye.”

“Thank you.” He took her hand for a moment and gave it a squeeze. Then he turned around and left. She watched the red taillights fade into the night.

She took her clothes off and crawled into bed. It was near daybreak. She fell into a dead sleep.

Chapter Eighteen

Joss sold most of his possessions and paid up the lease on his apartment. He wouldn't be back. He was going home to Cape Breton to stay.

His father was pretty low when he arrived. He shouted and grumbled about everything. Stuck up in his bedroom like an old woman, he refused to read or watch television. His mother was ready to wring his neck. But Joss knew the temper was really fright. To Danny, not being on the water meant he was dead.

Joss sat with his dad on his first evening back. His mother brought up their tea on a tray with a plate of ginger cookies. Joss waited until their tea was almost gone.

“Da. You have to retire.”

His father shoved his mug onto the side table. “Who says so? You?”

“Yeah, me.” Joss took a deep breath. This wouldn't be easy. “Da, lobster fishing is for men my age. You've had your run. It's time to let go.”

“Christ Almighty,” Danny yelled. “You want me to give up my licence? I'd rather be put down.”

“I don't want you to sell it to a stranger. I want you to sell it to me.”

His father looked at him. “You live half way around the world. I thought you wanted to get away from here. You made that pretty damn clear when you left.”

Joss tried to be patient. “Da, I was twenty then, of course I wanted to leave. That was ten years ago but I'm a grown man now and I want to come home. I'd like to buy you out and take over the boat. You know I'm good at it.”

His father didn't say anything. He grabbed his tea again and took a mouthful. Joss waited.

“Well, I don't know.”

“I won't put you out to pasture. I expect you to come and work for me. I'll need a hand. Someone has to drive the boat.”

His father looked out the window that faced him, the one that looked out over the harbour. “I expect a good price.”

“Of course, Da.”

He cleared his throat. “Well, son. I guess we have a deal.” He held out his hand and Joss shook it. His father hung on to it, tight. That's how his mom found them.

Lexie knew there was unfinished business but she didn't want to deal with it. She opened her heart again, just a little and it slammed shut before she had a chance to let it out.

Lexie finally understood Adrian's pain. It explained a lot. But she knew all she wanted to know.

He didn't call the next day or the next. She wasn't sorry. She had to deal with her own heartache. She had to steel herself, not get involved with someone else's sorrow. She didn't want to walk around like an open wound anymore.

When Lexie got home from work on Monday, there were six messages, all from him. She didn't call him back.

On Tuesday, she was at work, when Marlene hurried over.

“There's this guy out at the desk who wants to know if you're here. Looks like a dish,” she winked and cracked.

“Tell him I'm not.”

“Frig off! A guy like that comes calling and you brush him off? You need someone to adjust your antennas.”

“Marlene, it's none of your business. Please tell him I'm not here. Please.”

“Well, you're a brick short of a load, if you ask me,” she said as she walked away.

When the day was over, Lexie said, “Goodnight girls,” and pulled her car keys out of her purse. She pushed the library door open with her hip, the usual load of books and papers with her. And there was Adrian, waiting by Betsy.

Her heart did that usual cartwheel when she laid eyes on him, but her brain told her to keep him at a distance. She was tired of being upset. She needed normal. She just wanted to find some schmo who worked nine to five, had a beer on the weekend and watched the hockey game, end of story. Maybe Ernie had a brother.

“Lex, don't run away from me.”

“I won't run. I'll drive.”

“I haven't finished what I wanted to tell you.”

“You mean there's more horror in store for me? I can't bloody wait to hear it.”

She opened the car door and threw her stuff in the back. Adrian put his hand on her coat sleeve.

“Don't touch me, Adrian.”

He let go.

“I don't intend to have a scene here in the parking lot. Not with Judy and Marlene in the window behind me.”

He looked over her shoulder. “You're right.”

“I know I'm right. As a matter of fact, forget this. Get in the damn car.”

She got behind the wheel and roared the engine to life. Before Adrian had his door closed she took off. She had no idea what she'd do, but it felt good to be in charge. She tore up the street and dared other cars to hit her. She squealed her tires and hit the brakes as hard as she could at every stop sign. Adrian knew better than to say a word.

Lexie drove home. She hadn't intended to take him there but it was too cold to stand around outside and have an argument. She took her keys and jumped out. She ran to the front door, had it open in a second and stormed inside. She threw off her coat. She didn't know if he was behind her or not. She ran upstairs, tore into her room and lifted the trunk at the end of her bed. She grabbed Adrian's finished sweater.