Secrets On Lake Drive (24 page)

“Hey, Keisha.”

“Monica, where are you, girl? I just got off
the phone with Sean and he was frantic, saying you weren’t
answering your cell phone and he didn’t know where you were or if
you were okay. What’s going down?”

“I just needed some time alone.”

“Why don’t you come over so we can talk?
It’s after midnight. You shouldn’t be out there by yourself this
late at night.”

“Keisha, I’m fine.”

“Well, at least tell me where you are. Now
I’m getting worried.”

“I’m sitting in Jalisco’s with a strawberry
margarita.”

“And why aren’t you taking Sean’s
calls?”

“Because he’s putting too much pressure on
me.”

“Pressure on you to do what?”

“I don’t know…to love him, I guess, and be a
mother for Roman.”

“Do you love him?”

I was silent. Maybe I was starting to fall
for him, but I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t give my life to
Sean knowing that I have another life out there I knew nothing
about.

“I think I do, but…”

“Then why do you got that man sitting at
home worried to death about you?”

“I…I can’t fall in love with him right now.
I just can’t do it. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

I sat in Jalisco’s crying and everyone
sitting around me was looking at me weird like they were about to
call the cops on me or something. Since when is crying in public a
crime? Sheesh!

“No, you can do it. You just don’t
want to. Look, Monica. I’m going to give it to you straight. A good
man is hard to find, and you have one that’s totally in love with
you. Not only is he fine, he has a great career, a nice home, and a
son that loves you like you were his very own mother. Just now, on
the phone, Sean sounded like he was about to cry because he didn’t
know where you were. Sean loves you! Go home, Monica. Please….for
me.”

I felt like Keisha was chastising me.
However, she had a point and good reason to snap like that. Truth
be told, there is a short supply of good, decent black men for us
well-educated sisters. Most of them I know are plagued with baby
momma drama, drug abuse, hustling, crime of all varieties, and just
plain ignorance. And usually, the ones who had nothing going for
themselves were the main ones who would try to holla. So, when a
black man like Sean comes your way, you hold on for dear life.

“Okay, Keisha, I will go home. I’m leaving
right now.”

“Good, and one more question. Are you still
writing in that journal?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t have the time. If I have a
problem, I’ll just find other ways to deal with it. I’ll take a hot
bath or something. I don’t know.”

“Alright, girl. Well, I’ma let you go. Love
you, and if you need me, you know where I am.”

“Alright. Thanks, Keisha.”

I took her advice and went home. I knew Sean
would be upset with me, but what else is new? When I opened the
front door, Sean was sitting in the recliner, while Warren and
Derrick sat on the couch.

Warren stood up. “Ay, girl. Where you
been?”

“Out for a while.”

Sean just gave me a fierce look. Then he got up and
walked out of the room. That wasn’t good. I would prefer to have
him yell at me than to give me the silent treatment.

“Sean was worried ‘bout you,” Derrick said,
as he stood up to stretch.

“He tried calling and you didn’t answer the
phone,” Warren added.

“Is it wrong for me to want to be alone
every now and then?”

“No, it isn’t, Monica, but you could have at
least answered your phone. Sean was worried sick, and he usually
doesn’t get like that,” Derrick said.

Sean burst through the kitchen door, heading
straight for me.

“Where have you been?”

“I just went out for a while.”

“Out for a while? A while is a couple of
hours or so. It’s after midnight, Monica!”

“I lost track of time, okay? I was thinking
about what I would do to find my child. What’s wrong with
that?”

“I was worried about you. I had no idea
where you were! And on top of that, you can’t even answer my calls?
I’m sitting here with all kind of thoughts running through my head,
not knowing where you are or if you’re in trouble or sick, or if
you need me…and you don’t even care how I feel, do you?” Sean’s
eyes were tearing up.

And I just cried; my face was completely wet
with my own sadness. Derrick and Warren just sat there and
watched.

“Sean, let me explain. I do care about how
you feel.”

“No, you don’t, because if you did, you
would’ve answered your freakin’ phone when I called you!” he
yelled. “But you didn’t do that…you could have, but you didn’t. Now
how am I supposed to take that, Monica?”

In all of Sean’s ranting, I don’t think I’ve
ever seen him this upset. I guess this was the straw that broke the
camel’s back. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was
fed up.

“You act as if this is such a hard decision
for you. Everything is always you, you, you. Am I a priority to
you? Is Roman a priority?” Sean was inches away as he stood in
front of me firing off questions. His face was flushed and his lips
were trembling just enough for me to notice. He was holding all of
his emotions inside, and though his eyes were full of water, not
one tear fell. “You know what…don’t even answer that. I know the
answer already. You know how I feel about you. A blind person can
see that I’m in love with you, but, for some reason, you can’t. I
will not beg you to stay. I’m not going to beg for your attention
and I will not beg to be important to you. I’ve never begged anyone
for nothing and I’m surely not going to start now. So, if you don’t
know if you want to stay or go, let me make the choice for you. Get
your stuff…and get out of my house!”

I couldn’t move. It took a minute for me to process
what he just said. Then he threw in a few more words.

“I guess rich guys don’t get everything they want
after all.”

I could accept the fact that he was angry
with me. Yet and still, where was the respect, the compassion, and
the sympathy? I got nothing from the man but the boot. So what else
could I do? I went upstairs and started throwing some clothes in a
suitcase while crying my eyes out. Though I knew my relationship
with Sean would end eventually, I didn’t want it to end on a bad
note with Roman caught in the middle.

“You know he didn’t mean none of that,” I
heard Warren say from behind me.

“I don’t care anymore, Warren. And you
shouldn’t either. I’ll be fine. Tell Roman I said bye and tell Sean
that he can throw away anything I leave behind.”

I wasn’t the type to beg for anything
either. However, I did want to talk to Sean and explain my position
to him. Now, it was too late for that. All negotiating was off.
Sean was fed up with me and there was nothing I could do about it.
He showed me that same proud attitude he exhibited when I first met
him at school. But that’s okay. I will be alright. If I had nothing
at all, I still had my pride and self-respect. That was more
important to me than any income. Unlike other women in Milwaukee
who treated Sean like a local celebrity, I wasn’t about to idolize
the man just because he had a nice size bank account, drove nice
cars, and lived in a house fit for a king.

So, I did as I was told. I packed my bags
and I left. Honestly, I was tired of the madness. It was time for
my life to return to normal.

Chapter 23 -
Back to
Basics

Two months later, I was nicely settled back
into my cozy one-bedroom apartment. It felt good to be back in my
home, and I wasn’t going to trip off of Sean. I’ll admit it was
hard for the first few weeks, but eventually, I got back into the
swing of things. Sean wanted me out, so I got out. Simple as that.
It did hurt me the way he just threw me out as if I had done some
unthinkable wrong against him. But that’s how men like Sean are,
and in their eyes, women are in no way equals I concluded. I felt
like I was banished from his house, never to see Roman again.

I was sitting on my five-year-old couch with
my legs propped up, tuned into Lifetime Movie Network when Keisha
called.

“Hey, girl,” she said.

“Hey, Keisha. What’s up?”

“Guess who I ran into today?”

In the back of my mind, I knew she was going
to say Sean. I just knew it. I played it off because I didn’t want
to say the man’s name. And what if she wasn’t even talking about
Sean? Then she would conclude I was sitting around miserable,
thinking about him. So, I played her game.

“Who?”

“Guess,” she insisted.

“Keisha, just tell me.”

“Okay. He’s tall, handsome, has black
hair…”

I hated when Keisha did that to me. She
could have just came out and told me who it was, but nooo…she had
to make a spectacle of this mystery person and play a game of
telephone charades.

“Denzel Washington! Did you get his
autograph for me? You know I love me some Denzel.”

She laughed. “Nah, you know I’m not talking
about Denzel.”

“Who you talking about then?”

“Sean.”

“Oh. Okay.” She could’ve just left it at
that. I didn’t want to know anything about the guy. I didn’t care
to hear nothing he had to say. So, for the rest of the
conversation, I had made up my mind that I would tune Keisha out
and say
unh huh
to everything she told me from that point on
about Sean so she could think I was listening to her.

“He was looking good, too, girl…”

“Unh huh.”

“Looks like his hair grew out a little.”

“Unh huh.”

“He asked me where you were and what you
were doing.”

That caught my attention.
Why would Sean
want to know where I am after so long?

“And what did you tell him?”

“I told him that you were fine and still
teaching.”

“Okay.”

“From the way he talked, it seems as if he
misses you. It’s like that’s all he wanted to talk about was you.
So I said, ‘Maybe you should call her sometimes’.”

“You did what!”

“I told him to call you.”

“I don’t know why you told him that…like I’m
going to answer a phone call from him.”

“Oh, come on, Monica. I know you miss him,
just a little bit at least.”

“Okay, maybe I do, but I don’t want to talk
to him.”

Keisha laughed. “Girl, you crazy. Whatcha
doing anyway?”

“Lying on the couch watching a Lifetime
movie. I’ve been watching movies all day.”

Precisely at that moment, I wondered what
Roman was doing. I felt guilty about leaving him behind, but I had
to
get out
like his father demanded. Then I got serious with
Keisha.

“You know, it’s crazy how you think someone
likes you and then they talk to you like you’re a nobody.”

“You talking about Sean?”

“Yeah, and to think he actually told me that
he loved me.” I chuckled. “He just turned out to be another lying
man.”

“Well, love is tricky. And you know what
they say. There’s a thin line between love and hate.”

“Yeah, I know. But again, it just proves
that men are no good.”

“Whoa. You took it there.”

“I mean, seriously. Why would he tell me
that he loves me and then turn around and kick me out of his
house?”

“I don’t know, Monica. Have you taken into
account that it’s a possibility you actually hurt the man?”

“Hurt him? How?”

“By pushing him and Roman aside to go and
look for Eric?”

“I hadn’t even officially started looking
for Eric back then. I was just considering it.”

“Okay, so maybe he felt rejected.”

I didn’t care what he felt. I just wanted to
drop the conversation. I needed to get off the phone as soon as
possible without hanging up on the girl.

“Well, I’m going to get back to this movie.
Talk to you later.”

When I hung up, all I could do was lie there
and think about Sean. I hadn’t seen him since he kicked me out. I
missed his family – Roman, Warren, Derrick, Nikki, and his mom
Victoria. I missed them all. In the midst of my mediocre
relationship with Sean, I’d somehow become a part of the family.
And they felt like my family. I loved them. They were the family
that I never had.

I RAN INTO Warren at the Pic’ N Save at
Midtown Shopping Center, where I normally did my grocery shopping
every two weeks. From a distance, I couldn’t tell if it was Warren
or Sean, but when he smiled, I knew it was Warren. He was always
happier than Sean, and I doubt Sean would smile if he seen me.

“Hey, Warren!”

“Hey, Monica. How you been?”

Warren walked up to me and squeezed me
tight. It was the first time I’d seen him in a couple of
months.

“I’m doing good and yourself?”

“I can’t complain.”

“Okay. How’s the family?”

“Ah…let’s see…Derrick just got a new
girlfriend. I know you’re not surprised. Nikki is doing good. She
just got back from Vegas. Mom is okay. And Roman is a handful, as
always. He misses you. We all do.”

I peeped right away that Warren didn’t
mention anything about Sean. It was almost as if he wanted me to
ask about him. I felt like he was testing me to see if I still gave
two cents about his brother. However, I didn’t ask.

He continued. “Oh, and Sean…let me just say
that I wish you would come back, because he hasn’t been happy since
you left.”

He wasn’t happy while I was there
, I
thought to myself. Then I asked Warren, “Why is it that you think
I’m the reason he’s not happy?”

Warren smiled. “I already know you’re the reason.
Ever since you left, he’s been…he’s been…quiet.”

“Quiet?”

“Yeah. Before you moved in, he had the same
demeanor. He was always quiet and reserved. We thought it was
because of Dad dying…then his divorce, but when you moved in the
house to babysit, he changed. He was happy. Now, he’s not.”