Secrets On Lake Drive (20 page)

“The Dells?”

“Oh, it was nice…very hot during the day,
cooler at night. We spent Saturday morning shopping, played some
miniature golf, and took a jet boat tour.”

Sean slid a little closer to me. “So, did
you miss me?”

“Yeah, a little. I missed hearing your big
mouth.”

“Ouch. It’s like that?”

“Nah, I’m playing with you.”

“Your friend Keisha seems like a nice
girl.”

“Yeah, she’s cool. That’s my girl right
there. She’s like a sister to me.”

“Can I ask you a question, Monica?”

“Sure. What’s up?” I answered, after turning
to some news show. I took my legs off of the table and put the
remote on the arm of the couch. I didn’t know if or when he was
going to bring up the subject of Eric, but I knew it was going to
be soon. Sean didn’t just let things like that pass without knowing
about them. And if he wanted to know something, no matter how
personal it was, he would always ask.

“When I was outside getting your suitcase
out of the car, Keisha said you liked Roman so much because he
reminded you of Eric. At first, I thought maybe Eric was an old
boyfriend of yours, but then why would my son remind you of an
ex-boyfriend? It doesn’t make any sense. So who is he?”

“He’s a part of my past.”

“Okay, but that’s not telling me
anything.”

“Well, it’s enough. I don’t want to
elaborate on it.”

“Why not?”

“It’s personal, Sean, and I don’t want to
talk about him. So, just drop it.”

“No, I can’t drop it. I share so many aspects of my
life with you, and I ask you one question, just one – and you can’t
give me an answer. Why do you keep everything so secretive? Why
don’t you share your life with me like I share my life with
you?”

“Because you’re my employer. I’m not here to
share my life with you. I’m here to work for you.” I rose from the
couch, put on my fluffy pink slippers, and left the room.

“Where are you going, Monica?” Sean asked,
hot on my trail. “I’m talking to you.”

“I’m going to my room,” I yelled back. “Or
do I need your permission for that?”

Sean caught up to me by the bottom of the
stairs. “Just talk to me,” he pleaded in a low monotone voice, but
I wasn’t ready to share anything about Eric with him.

“Sean, I’m really exhausted. I just want to
rest. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Yeah, ah’ight.”

I managed to dodge that bullet,
I
thought to myself. However, I knew it wasn’t the last of it. Sean
was upset. He wanted his questions answered then and there, but at
the same time, he knew I wanted to be left alone. So, Sean did what
Sean does best – pretend as if it didn’t bother him. As far as I
was concerned, the conversation about Eric was over and his name
would never be mentioned again.

SEAN WENT TO work the next day and didn’t
call home to check on Roman and me like he usually would, which
could only mean one thing. He was mad at me. I know he was
displeased with my unwillingness to disclose every aspect of my
life with him, but I didn’t see the point. And contrary to his
earlier statement, he didn’t tell me
everything
about his
life. I didn’t know everything there was to know about who Sean
Beauvais really was. I’m sure there were some secrets on Lake Drive
that I didn’t know about. If he could keep a few things to himself,
why couldn’t I?

“Monica!” I heard Sean shouting my name just
as the front door closed. It was a little after six in the evening,
and I was sitting in the family room with a bowl of popcorn in my
lap watching
Shrek II
with Roman. Warren was there, too.
Warren and I had been sitting around talking while Roman enjoyed
the movie. Not saying a word to anyone, Sean walked in, grabbed my
hand, and pulled me up off of the couch.

“We need to talk,” he said, as he
haphazardly tugged on me.

Luckily, I was able to avoid spilling
popcorn everywhere. No man had ever grabbed me like that, and I was
pissed.

“What is it, Sean?”

“We just need to talk! Ah’ight?”

“Okaaaaaay, but stop pulling me! I’m
coming.” I tried to yank my hand free from him, but of course, I
couldn’t. “Sean, what’s going on?” I asked nervously. I had no clue
what he was up to, or let me rephrase that, I had no idea what I
had done this time. We ended up outside near the pool.

Sean turned to me and said, “Tell me who
Eric is.”

“Sean, I told you that was personal.”

“No, it’s not personal. You’re living in my
house and keeping secrets from me.”

“I’m not keeping secrets!” I was getting
upset, as evident by the raised pitch of my voice. “You don’t have
to know everything about me just because I’m living in your house!
I’m sure there are things about your personal life that you haven’t
shared with me, and I’m not drilling you for information.”

“Even if you did want to know something, I
would tell you. I just want to know who Eric is. That’s it.”

There wasn’t any getting out of this
situation. There I stood by the pool with another dilemma – having
to tell Sean who Eric was. Sean released my hand and I sat down. I
would’ve told him who Eric was a long time ago, but every time I
thought of Eric, I cried. Even standing here now with the thought
of telling Sean who Eric was made me teary eyed. I couldn’t hold
back from what I felt, and I doubt if he could even see me crying
since my head was angled towards the ground. He kneeled in front of
me.

“I’m sorry, Monica. I didn’t mean to yell at
you. I just…I just…”

There was nothing else to do but tell him
what he wanted to know. He wasn’t going to give up. If I didn’t
tell him now, it would spring up again later.

“Eric is the little boy I gave birth to. e’s
my HHhhhhhhhhHhhhhhhf;dfj;ldfkdlfkd;lfkds;hhhhhhffffHe’s my son,
Sean.” I cried harder.

Sean embraced me. “Monica, look at me.”

I didn’t look up. I was too embarrassed.

“Monica, look at me.” Sean gently placed his
soft hands on my face and positioned my head so I could have a view
of his face, while he simultaneously wiped my tears away. “I’m not
here to judge you, and it’s killing me to see you cry like this.
All I want is for you to talk to me. That’s it. Do you think you
can do that?”

“I’ll try.” I wiped my eyes.

Sean took me by the hand and led me back
into the house and into his bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed
with my arms folded.

“Sean, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you
this.”

“Don’t apologize to me.”

“No, I want to. You should’ve known about
Eric.”

“Where is Eric now?”

“I don’t know. Eric is not even his real
name…just the name I gave him to make him a real person. I actually
don’t know what his name is.”

“What happened to him?”

“My parents made me give him up for
adoption.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, for one, I was a senior in high
school. They said I had my whole life ahead of me and couldn’t let
a baby get in the way of a college education. My mom said if I
wanted a life, to go to college and
be somebody
and make a
name for myself, then I couldn’t raise a baby.”

“So why didn’t she offer to help you?”

“Please…my mom didn’t even want me, so I
know she didn’t want a baby that wasn’t even hers.”

“Wow. That’s sad.”

“It is sad. I had to endure the entire birth
alone. I remember how painful it was, unlike anything my young,
immature mind had ever experienced. The pain was so great I just
cried, but the labor pains weren’t as painful as the thought of
having to give my baby away. I remember hearing the doctor say,
just one more push
– and then I heard him cry. I never did
get the chance to see him. They gave him away immediately. And that
was that.”

“You’ve never seen him?”

“No.” I went into Sean’s bathroom to get a
tissue, then came back into the bedroom and took my same position
on the bed. “I’ve never even seen my own son. How pathetic is
that?”

“Have you ever tried searching for him?”

“No. I wanted to look for him, but then I was
reading the adoption laws, and it said there is no provision for
birth parents to search for their adopted children. But I just
can’t give up. I’m going to try again.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? I have to. I have a
child in this world somewhere that I don’t even know. Wouldn’t you
want to know your child?”

“Of course, I would. Let me ask you this.
Was your boyfriend cool with you being pregnant?”

“Yeah. He wanted the baby just as much as I
did.”

“Then why would you give the baby up if you
and the father wanted it?”

“Because I was forced to. My parents said it
was the right thing to do because I couldn’t support a child.”

“But if you and the father wanted the baby, you two
should’ve fought to keep the baby…not give him away to some
stranger.”

“You’re right, Sean. I can’t argue with
that. But understand I can’t change the past. That’s why I’m not
going back to teach in September. Finding Eric is my new job. I
want to know who my son is.”

“Is that why you’re leaving in September? To
go and find him?”

“No. I’m leaving because you’re paying me to
watch Roman until school is back in session. School turns in after
Labor Day. You won’t need me when Roman is back in school.”

“What about Roman’s needs? My son needs a
mother, and like it or not, babydoll, that’s you.”

“How can I be a mother to a little boy that’s not
even mine, but yet, I can’t be a mother to the son that I gave
birth to? How hypocritical is that?”

“The same way I can be a father to Roman.
He’s adopted.”

“Are you serious?” Victoria mentioned to me
that Roman was adopted, but I didn’t let Sean know that I knew
anything about it.

“Yeah. I adopted him right after me and
Shanelle got married.”

Right away I remembered Sean telling me
about Shanelle, about how he didn’t love her. Not only did it not
make sense for him to marry someone he didn’t love. It was also
foolish to adopt a child with the woman. There was no logic in
that. I wasn’t going to bring that up, though.

I said, “But he looks so much like you.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s what everybody says.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that you don’t have to have
the same blood type to love a child.”

“I never said I didn’t love Roman.”

“You’re leaving him…isn’t that saying you
don’t love him?”

“No, Sean, it’s not. If Roman was old
enough, he would understand.”

“I’m thirty-two years old and I don’t
understand.”

“What is there not to understand? This isn’t rocket
science. I want to find my son. It’s as simple as that. And I will
not be someone else’s fill-in mother after I haven’t fulfilled my
own obligations.”

“Oh, so it’s all about
you….
again
.”

Boy did he pinch a nerve with that one. I felt like
I was about to lose it.

“All about me? Sean, what did you think was going to
happen when I moved in here? Did you think I would stay here for
the rest of my life?”

“No, but I did expect that you would do
anything in your power to make my son happy.”

“And staying here is supposed to make him
happy?”

“You think it wouldn’t?”

“And just how long do you propose that I
stay while I’m busy making Roman happy?”

“However long it takes.”

“What kind of answer is that? Last I checked
Roman was happy. So I guess it’s okay for me to leave today then,
huh?”

“No, I’m not saying that.”

“Then what are you saying, Sean?”

“I’m saying that when you leave, you’re
going to leave my son upset and confused. He doesn’t understand
everything that’s going on.”

“You know what? I don’t want to talk about
this anymore.”

I got up quickly and headed to the door,
while Sean stood on the opposite side of the bed.

“Monica, just remember that Roman is not the
only person that needs you.”

I politely closed the door and went across
the hall to my bedroom. I needed time to think about what
I
really wanted to do. Sean had kept throwing hints my way as if he
wanted me to stay for him. He wouldn’t just come out and say it,
though. I guess he was too high-minded for that, too important,
belonging to too high of a social status with Milwaukee’s
finest.

Taking my thoughts outside, I sat on the
front steps with my legs closed and knees pressed together tightly
as if I was wearing a mini skirt and didn’t want anyone to see
between my legs. Outside, it was just cool enough to give me a
chill, but not cold enough for a coat or sweater.

Warren came walking out of the house,
leaving to go home apparently. “Hey, Monica.”

I turned around and looked at him, thinking
to myself how he could look so much like Sean, and yet, be of such
a different demeanor…a milder, gentler, kinder one. Warren was the
kind of guy that I could tell anything. He knew how to treat a
lady.

“Hey, Warren. You’re on your way out,
huh?”

“Yep. I have to work tomorrow.” He sat down.
“What are you doing out here?”

“Just thinking.”

“About what? You look like you just lost
your best friend.”

I forced myself to smile. “I’m just sitting
out here thinking about my transition in September. That’s when I’m
supposed to be leaving.”

“Man, that’s right around the corner.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So what’s the deal? You don’t want to
go?”

“Well, it’s just that Sean is trying to make
me feel guilty for leaving. He keeps on saying how Roman needs a
mother, then, just a lil’ while ago, he said Roman wasn’t the only
person that needed me.”

Warren grinned. “Sean is a piece of work,
but I’m sure you know that.”